Secretly starting to resent husband and all the care of his elderly mom
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Anonymous
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Love my husband and my MIL. He’s a great dad/ son. She was terrific MIL.
But after 5 years of taking care of his 90year old mom with dementia, I’m just starting to feel resentment. We have three active kids and he is always dealing with her. He has two useless siblings who don’t help at all… so the entire situation has fallen to us. We are only ones of siblings with young children and full time jobs (60 hour plus week and tons of work travel)- were at max capacity prior to this. I was onboard and have been so impressed with his devotion. But now, 5 years in, I am feeling resentment. Often in evening, I’m juggling all three kids and tonite for instance- he was at her nursing home signing paperwork and delayed so I missed picking my daughter up from a field trip- late for sons basketball and haven’t yet packed for a biz trip. Yet I know in my heart and head, he is even more torn. It’s a huge and emotionally/ physically constant issue dealing with her. I don’t say anything - but I am just worn out and feel my kids have suffered (really) with stressed out parents and their dad missing so much of their stuff. How should I feel? What’s wrong with me to feel that way! |
Anonymous
| Hire help. |
Anonymous
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I’m so sorry. That sounds hard.
I don’t know what to suggest yet hope you find a resolution soon. |
Anonymous
| Why do you need to work so much? Both of you should cut back. 60 with travel is a lot. |
Anonymous
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The reality is that she will most likely pass within the next 5 years.
Hire help and give grace. |
Anonymous
| That sounds very hard. I am sorry. Can you hire some help? |
Anonymous
| If he’s signing nursing home paperwork isn’t the end in sight for the really demanding caregiving? Obviously he’ll still visit and call often - you really have to in order to make sure that the nursing home is taking good care of your loved one. But the really involved level of care will be less now, right? Are you selling her home now? I assume she is widowed. That will also be a time suck but it’s such a sellers market right now that you might not have to do much especially if you sell to a developer. |
Anonymous
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We do have help- we pay a lady to go over few times a week - we also have her in facilities- sadly this is her 7th place in 5 years and two of the locations were 90k a year. So we have selected top notch, but sadly they are still not great and we have to manage a lot and plus, want to visit and check on her.
If you haven’t gone though caring for an aging parent, it’s hard to comprehend- I had visions of her joining us for kids events and over for dinner Sunday when we moved her up to us. Since day 1, it’s been a lot. She didn’t adjust- had more advanced dementia - then stroke - then broken leg- shingles- flu- two UTIs. Been in hospital 6 times. Facility can be top notch, then management change and we are having to move her- her level of care changes- you name it. But at the end of the day, having another special needs “family”not child is dividing ours. |
Anonymous
Yes she just got out of hospital last night - he was gone all night at hospital waiting for shuttle to move her to “rehab”- but we know she won’t last in rehab but a month and then we have decided to put her into hospice and long term nursing care. But it has been almost daily care and issues for 5 years. I do love both of them- but it’s too much to manage two families of high needs- young kids and super senior parent. |
Anonymous
Who’s going to pay for MIL’s care? |
Anonymous
It sounds like you have made the decision to move her to hospice, which sounds like the right decision. |
Anonymous
| You will most likely benefit when your own children treat you with the same loving care, concern and attention that you and your husband have given to his mother. Your children are benefiting more from learning this example than suffering any negative stress related to it. |
Anonymous
| OP, can you hire some help re: the kids and driving? Any household stuff that can be outsourced? |
Anonymous
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I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s tough! I can imagine your DH feels resentment toward his mother and siblings too. He probably feels he cannot talk about it with you.
We are in a similar boat, but we are the deadbeat sibling family. My BIL has taken in my MIL with dementia and a whole host of other medical problems. She has a live in caregiver at BIL’s house. I’m grateful the burden is not coming to us. We are the only ones on that side of the family to have children and there is just no way I can imagine taking her on too. I do want to make sure she gets treated well, but I don’t think it has to be by family. |
Anonymous
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If you’re discussing hospice, it would seem this situation is approaching an end point. What I was told was that most people typically pass within five years of a dementia diagnosis.
I’m sorry for what y’all are dealing with. Is it possible for the siblings to do visits at least? |