Secretly starting to resent husband and all the care of his elderly mom

[Anonymous]

Your DH is in a tough spot. Show compassion and help him handle things so he isn't the designated villain here while trying his best to do right by everyone.

I would reach out to his siblings and ask them to help him out as it's draining him personally and putting his marriage at risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is in a tough spot. Show compassion and help him handle things so he isn't the designated villain here while trying his best to do right by everyone.

I would reach out to his siblings and ask them to help him out as it's draining him personally and putting his marriage at risk.

I have posted before, but as someone who has been in this stage for years and attended support groups, expecting siblings to do more than they are willing is not a solution. If they planned to do more they would. You cannot demand they do more or try to guilt trip them with how drained he is or even that they are someone responsible for what goes on in his marriage. He can certainly make sure they are aware of how much work there is and see if they will do more, but then you have to let it go.

Also, OP is showing compassion and she has a right to her feelings. I venture to say everyone makes sacrifices, has compassion, etc those first few emergencies. In our case it has gone on for close to a decade.

It is up to OP and her husband to figure out their limits and solutions that usually involved hiring people to take on certain roles with the elderly parent if siblings will not. it is one thing to tell OP to have more compassion and suck it up for a visit, or a few emergencies or even a year. This can go on for much longer than expected and it absolutely does take a toll on marriages and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP, this isn't the best place to be asking for advice or venting. Many posters are incredibly selfish. Life is all about them, how dare any family member intrude into their lives.

The reality is that your husband's mother is in a demanding position with her dementia. You can't abandon her to the state. Someone does have to be there to make the decisions. Your husband is doing what is right and just.

It will pass in due time.

Red flag. The word "selfish" is thrown like a dagger to manipulate people into feeling guilty for having boundaries. Reject that manipulation. You have a right to outsource. The health of the family you create comes first. I don't know about you, but I was left with any sitter who was breathing and over the age of 8 as a kid and fended for myself a lot. Even pulling back he will be providing a lot better care than many of us received as kids.

I did not set boundaries for too long and my health and the mental and physical health of one of my kids suffered greatly. I made a mistake and re-calibrated. Mom is well cared for by people trained to deal with her. We have someone trained to advocate and make medical decisions. When I see her I no longer feel angry, burned out and resentful and when she gets difficult, I can leave and know she has a professional ally.

Outsource what?

Grandma has dementia and is in assistant living/hospice/hospitals.

What do you expect? Say sorry to grandma and tell her she's on her own when she's not capable of doing anything or making decisions? Really?

OP's husband clearly has power of attorney and is the designated person with the legal responsibility for his mother. Which means by default he does have to be there to sign the papers and deal with the needs.

Kids and OP have to understand that right now they are not the most important people around. And that is why you come across as selfish and self-centered because it's all about you, right? That's why words like "boundaries" are major red flags. YOU are not important. Accept it.

Right now I am dealing with aging parents that is taking up more time than I'd like but it's the right thing to do. Just as they sacrificed all their time for me as a child as that was the right thing to do, too. Selfishness has no place here.

At what point should kids be "the most important people" to their own father? Because for the past 5 years, they haven't been.

They'll cope.

Do you really think the kids are angry and resentful of grandma? The kids *know* grandma is in a difficult place. They know why dad is so busy with grandma. The kids naturally assume they have a life that is infinity stretching ahead of them. This is just how the dice is rolling for the family and it sucks but there really is no alternative other than to abandon grandma to the state and deal with the ethics of it and dad is clearly not going to do that, understandably. The kids are learning something about the reality of life and the importance of caring for family.

Not the person you are responding to, but I had a therapist who specialized in sandwich generation issues and yes, kids can be very angry and resentful and not be able to fully express it. It's not either or, but there has to be priority list and grandma does not get to top the list. Grandma had a full life and now you need to make sure she is safe and cared for. That is not the expense of a developing human who is not even an adult yet or marriage or an adult child's mental or physical health.

OR… try teaching your kids not to be selfish, entitled brats, and maybe to have some empathy for both their suffering grandma AND their suffering father.

Please get help. Children who need their parents are not selfish and entitled brats and it doesn't mean they don't have empathy for grandma and their dad. Your responses are becoming abusive.

OP, a therapist who works with families in this situation can help him figure out boundaries that work for the family and help you all find balance. The responses, I suspect by one poster on here are getting increasingly disturbing and I have reported a few for crossing a line.

The PP is psychotic and sounds like the deranged childless poster on the other thread about smug child free people. Some people were obviously hated and abused as children and are trying to spread their hurt to other people’s innocent children.

[Anonymous]

If you haven’t lived this, you have no idea what “hiring someone” involves. The amount of time juggling all this stuff is ridiculous.

OP, if your kids are old enough, ask them what they feel like they want the most in the way of support rn. Be frank, everyone doesn’t get everything right now, but ask for their input. Maybe an afterschool driver? Lunch maker? Something that relieves some stress all ar
by talking about it with you and your husband, at least they get input. We can’t do x but we can do y…

It’s exhausting, and it’s hard, even when you love everyone involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this isn't the best place to be asking for advice or venting. Many posters are incredibly selfish. Life is all about them, how dare any family member intrude into their lives.

The reality is that your husband's mother is in a demanding position with her dementia. You can't abandon her to the state. Someone does have to be there to make the decisions. Your husband is doing what is right and just.

It will pass in due time.

Red flag. The word "selfish" is thrown like a dagger to manipulate people into feeling guilty for having boundaries. Reject that manipulation. You have a right to outsource. The health of the family you create comes first. I don't know about you, but I was left with any sitter who was breathing and over the age of 8 as a kid and fended for myself a lot. Even pulling back he will be providing a lot better care than many of us received as kids.

I did not set boundaries for too long and my health and the mental and physical health of one of my kids suffered greatly. I made a mistake and re-calibrated. Mom is well cared for by people trained to deal with her. We have someone trained to advocate and make medical decisions. When I see her I no longer feel angry, burned out and resentful and when she gets difficult, I can leave and know she has a professional ally.

Outsource what?

Grandma has dementia and is in assistant living/hospice/hospitals.

What do you expect? Say sorry to grandma and tell her she's on her own when she's not capable of doing anything or making decisions? Really?

OP's husband clearly has power of attorney and is the designated person with the legal responsibility for his mother. Which means by default he does have to be there to sign the papers and deal with the needs.

Kids and OP have to understand that right now they are not the most important people around. And that is why you come across as selfish and self-centered because it's all about you, right? That's why words like "boundaries" are major red flags. YOU are not important. Accept it.

Right now I am dealing with aging parents that is taking up more time than I'd like but it's the right thing to do. Just as they sacrificed all their time for me as a child as that was the right thing to do, too. Selfishness has no place here.

At what point should kids be "the most important people" to their own father? Because for the past 5 years, they haven't been.

They'll cope.

Do you really think the kids are angry and resentful of grandma? The kids *know* grandma is in a difficult place. They know why dad is so busy with grandma. The kids naturally assume they have a life that is infinity stretching ahead of them. This is just how the dice is rolling for the family and it sucks but there really is no alternative other than to abandon grandma to the state and deal with the ethics of it and dad is clearly not going to do that, understandably. The kids are learning something about the reality of life and the importance of caring for family.

DP here and nope I don’t think little kids understand this at all bc developmentally they aren’t able to.

All they understand is their dad doesn’t want to spend time with them and no matter what they do or try it’s still not good enough and he still won’t spend time with them. That’s how little kids think bc they are little kids. There is no explanation that you can give them that will stop this thinking internally. Again it’s developmental so it’s not something to be fixed or that can be fixed

Would you advocate for a woman who’s husband is deployed to divorce him since he is choosing not to spend time with his family? Or would you encourage her to explain to her kids, as often as she can, they their father DOES want to spend time with them but that he just can’t right now because he has other responsibilities?

[Anonymous]

If your MIL is 90, I doubt your kids are that young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your MIL is 90, I doubt your kids are that young.

I was thinking that, too. Maybe MIL had OP's DH when she was 40 and OP had his oldest when he was 40? But realistically the kids have got to be approaching middle school if not already in middle school.

Two of my grandparents were dying when I was in 5th/6th grades and I do remember my either my father or mother being extremely preoccupied with their last year of life. I do remember missing them because they were so busy dealing with the doctors and healthcare and hospitals. But it never once occurred to me to complain. Even at that age I understood what was going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your MIL is 90, I doubt your kids are that young.

I was thinking that, too. Maybe MIL had OP's DH when she was 40 and OP had his oldest when he was 40? But realistically the kids have got to be approaching middle school if not already in middle school.

Two of my grandparents were dying when I was in 5th/6th grades and I do remember my either my father or mother being extremely preoccupied with their last year of life. I do remember missing them because they were so busy dealing with the doctors and healthcare and hospitals. But it never once occurred to me to complain. Even at that age I understood what was going on.

My mom moved out of state for six months to take care of my dying grandmother when I had just started high school. I missed her, and I also felt sorry for her because it was a very difficult time. But I mostly remember that I admired her for doing that for her mother. And I admired my Dad for stepping up and doing everything to care for me and my siblings while she was away. I don’t recall ever hearing him complain. I did and still do think my parents are amazing.

[Anonymous]

I think you need child care help.

[Anonymous]

My good friend did what your husband did. It was the final nail in her marriage, it did her in with stress, age gained 40 pounds, her kids are a mess and she and her siblings are at war. Her mom appreciated nothing and complains that she never visits or cares. (Dementia). Now they hire our everything, she is on Ozempic, in individual therapy, getting couple's counseling, the kids are in therapy and she is on all sorts of meds for health issues. I can't imagine this is what decent elderly parents want for their kids and if they do that tell you a lot. You can hire someone to manage their care, visit and facetime in without doing yourself in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My good friend did what your husband did. It was the final nail in her marriage, it did her in with stress, age gained 40 pounds, her kids are a mess and she and her siblings are at war. Her mom appreciated nothing and complains that she never visits or cares. (Dementia). Now they hire our everything, she is on Ozempic, in individual therapy, getting couple's counseling, the kids are in therapy and she is on all sorts of meds for health issues. I can't imagine this is what decent elderly parents want for their kids and if they do that tell you a lot. You can hire someone to manage their care, visit and facetime in without doing yourself in.

Yep, that's right. People's marriages break up because spouse is busy dealing with a parent with dementia in their final year or so of life.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry.
Three kids is already a lot, plus a demanding job. I don’t know why people choose to do it -there’s no room for any additional issues which inevitably arise.
I have family like that - the wife is insisting on high pressure life for them, and is resentful when husband isn’t quite up to speed or has any additional things to take care of. But it was her choice to make their life so intense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My good friend did what your husband did. It was the final nail in her marriage, it did her in with stress, age gained 40 pounds, her kids are a mess and she and her siblings are at war. Her mom appreciated nothing and complains that she never visits or cares. (Dementia). Now they hire our everything, she is on Ozempic, in individual therapy, getting couple's counseling, the kids are in therapy and she is on all sorts of meds for health issues. I can't imagine this is what decent elderly parents want for their kids and if they do that tell you a lot. You can hire someone to manage their care, visit and facetime in without doing yourself in.

Yep, that's right. People's marriages break up because spouse is busy dealing with a parent with dementia in their final year or so of life.

I have been through dementia with 2 parents and an inlaw. It isn't just one year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My good friend did what your husband did. It was the final nail in her marriage, it did her in with stress, age gained 40 pounds, her kids are a mess and she and her siblings are at war. Her mom appreciated nothing and complains that she never visits or cares. (Dementia). Now they hire our everything, she is on Ozempic, in individual therapy, getting couple's counseling, the kids are in therapy and she is on all sorts of meds for health issues. I can't imagine this is what decent elderly parents want for their kids and if they do that tell you a lot. You can hire someone to manage their care, visit and facetime in without doing yourself in.

Yep, that's right. People's marriages break up because spouse is busy dealing with a parent with dementia in their final year or so of life.

I have been through dementia with 2 parents and an inlaw. It isn't just one year.

Wow. What a coincidence. Three out of four parents get dementia. The odds!

Anyone who walks away from a marriage because spouse is dealing with parents with dementia is a selfish cad. It's that plain and simple. There may be other problems and in that case it's really going to be the other problems, not the dementia.

Some of you are advocating people abandon their parents. Why don't we do the reverse? Abandon your babies when their ten months old? Why not? I am chortling at the image of a certain poster up thread scolding a baby and saying "boundaries are important!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this is a tough situation. But your husband needs to have conversation with his siblings. What you're describing is not sustainable. Yet another reason why euthanasia should be an option. I would hate to do this to my kids. I've repeatedly told my wife and kids to pull the plug if my mental state is compromised.

I have a 90+ mother who is not mentally compromised. There is rarely a "plug" to pull, PP. This is an expected life stage of decline, often it is not quick. People may be mentally sharp but physically becoming more frail.