Secretly starting to resent husband and all the care of his elderly mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this isn't the best place to be asking for advice or venting. Many posters are incredibly selfish. Life is all about them, how dare any family member intrude into their lives.

The reality is that your husband's mother is in a demanding position with her dementia. You can't abandon her to the state. Someone does have to be there to make the decisions. Your husband is doing what is right and just.

It will pass in due time.

Red flag. The word "selfish" is thrown like a dagger to manipulate people into feeling guilty for having boundaries. Reject that manipulation. You have a right to outsource. The health of the family you create comes first. I don't know about you, but I was left with any sitter who was breathing and over the age of 8 as a kid and fended for myself a lot. Even pulling back he will be providing a lot better care than many of us received as kids.

I did not set boundaries for too long and my health and the mental and physical health of one of my kids suffered greatly. I made a mistake and re-calibrated. Mom is well cared for by people trained to deal with her. We have someone trained to advocate and make medical decisions. When I see her I no longer feel angry, burned out and resentful and when she gets difficult, I can leave and know she has a professional ally.

Outsource what?

Grandma has dementia and is in assistant living/hospice/hospitals.

What do you expect? Say sorry to grandma and tell her she's on her own when she's not capable of doing anything or making decisions? Really?

OP's husband clearly has power of attorney and is the designated person with the legal responsibility for his mother. Which means by default he does have to be there to sign the papers and deal with the needs.

Kids and OP have to understand that right now they are not the most important people around. And that is why you come across as selfish and self-centered because it's all about you, right? That's why words like "boundaries" are major red flags. YOU are not important. Accept it.

Right now I am dealing with aging parents that is taking up more time than I'd like but it's the right thing to do. Just as they sacrificed all their time for me as a child as that was the right thing to do, too. Selfishness has no place here.

At what point should kids be "the most important people" to their own father? Because for the past 5 years, they haven't been.

[Anonymous]

this is a tough situation. But your husband needs to have conversation with his siblings. What you're describing is not sustainable. Yet another reason why euthanasia should be an option. I would hate to do this to my kids. I've repeatedly told my wife and kids to pull the plug if my mental state is compromised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this isn't the best place to be asking for advice or venting. Many posters are incredibly selfish. Life is all about them, how dare any family member intrude into their lives.

The reality is that your husband's mother is in a demanding position with her dementia. You can't abandon her to the state. Someone does have to be there to make the decisions. Your husband is doing what is right and just.

It will pass in due time.

Red flag. The word "selfish" is thrown like a dagger to manipulate people into feeling guilty for having boundaries. Reject that manipulation. You have a right to outsource. The health of the family you create comes first. I don't know about you, but I was left with any sitter who was breathing and over the age of 8 as a kid and fended for myself a lot. Even pulling back he will be providing a lot better care than many of us received as kids.

I did not set boundaries for too long and my health and the mental and physical health of one of my kids suffered greatly. I made a mistake and re-calibrated. Mom is well cared for by people trained to deal with her. We have someone trained to advocate and make medical decisions. When I see her I no longer feel angry, burned out and resentful and when she gets difficult, I can leave and know she has a professional ally.

Outsource what?

Grandma has dementia and is in assistant living/hospice/hospitals.

What do you expect? Say sorry to grandma and tell her she's on her own when she's not capable of doing anything or making decisions? Really?

OP's husband clearly has power of attorney and is the designated person with the legal responsibility for his mother. Which means by default he does have to be there to sign the papers and deal with the needs.

Kids and OP have to understand that right now they are not the most important people around. And that is why you come across as selfish and self-centered because it's all about you, right? That's why words like "boundaries" are major red flags. YOU are not important. Accept it.

Right now I am dealing with aging parents that is taking up more time than I'd like but it's the right thing to do. Just as they sacrificed all their time for me as a child as that was the right thing to do, too. Selfishness has no place here.

At what point should kids be "the most important people" to their own father? Because for the past 5 years, they haven't been.

They'll cope.

Do you really think the kids are angry and resentful of grandma? The kids *know* grandma is in a difficult place. They know why dad is so busy with grandma. The kids naturally assume they have a life that is infinity stretching ahead of them. This is just how the dice is rolling for the family and it sucks but there really is no alternative other than to abandon grandma to the state and deal with the ethics of it and dad is clearly not going to do that, understandably. The kids are learning something about the reality of life and the importance of caring for family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to work so much? Both of you should cut back. 60 with travel is a lot.

Who’s going to pay for MIL’s care?

You, in a different job that is more suitable to your situation.

Don't listen to this person. Must be someone who's retired. Jobs aren't growing on trees and her kids will need those resources eventually. MIL's situation is temporary.

It doesn’t change the fact that having both parents have 60+ hrs/wk jobs with three kids is unsustainable for most families. I worked part-time when my dh had a job like that. He’s stepped back now and I’ve ramped up to full-time with some travel. I don’t see how we would have managed otherwise.

The two parents working 60+ plus hours is really the crazy part of this whole scenario. Elderly parents get ill, siblings don't step up in meaningful ways, kids need care. The kids stopping their activities doesn't seem like a viable solution, nor does simply abandoning a sick 90-year-old woman. Getting some additional assistance with kids and mom would help. And one or both parents need to step back. It's almost as if OP and DH are in some competition to see who can burn out first.

Or they have worked hard and are successful or on the path to becoming successful in their careers. They should not step back from their careers. They are already funding the elderly women’s 90k a year nursing care. They need to step back from the 90 year old and let the people they hired to take care of her do it.

The idea that OP should give up her job or mommy track herself for MIL is insane. I guess to pay for the nursing care then the kids can give up college. No self respecting grandmother would ever want this to happen.

Both parents working 60+ hours plus travel is insane. OP and her husband are actively courting disaster.

OP will have a rude awakening when MIL dies and her family life is still a train wreck.

This. You can absolutely hire someone to check on grandma, make sure she is getting proper care and advocate. Many kids do not easily adjust to a stressed out household and you only have a finite of time before they are adults. You model healthy boundaries by making them a priority, taking care of your marriage and checking on grandma and hiring the appropriate supports so grandma does not take over the family. I have known a few tragic cases where family life was forever damaged by making everything revolve around aging parents. In one case it led to divorce, another it has been serious marriage problems and not being fully aware the teen had gotten into drugs and suicidal ideation and in another the martyr mom/daughter of elder was rewarded with late stage cancer. Families need health and balance. From my own experience the serious decline even with dementia can last well over a decade and really do in you health if you don't outsource enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this is a tough situation. But your husband needs to have conversation with his siblings. What you're describing is not sustainable. Yet another reason why euthanasia should be an option. I would hate to do this to my kids. I've repeatedly told my wife and kids to pull the plug if my mental state is compromised.

My grandpa felt this way. He was in a lot of pain and just stopped eating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this isn't the best place to be asking for advice or venting. Many posters are incredibly selfish. Life is all about them, how dare any family member intrude into their lives.

The reality is that your husband's mother is in a demanding position with her dementia. You can't abandon her to the state. Someone does have to be there to make the decisions. Your husband is doing what is right and just.

It will pass in due time.

Red flag. The word "selfish" is thrown like a dagger to manipulate people into feeling guilty for having boundaries. Reject that manipulation. You have a right to outsource. The health of the family you create comes first. I don't know about you, but I was left with any sitter who was breathing and over the age of 8 as a kid and fended for myself a lot. Even pulling back he will be providing a lot better care than many of us received as kids.

I did not set boundaries for too long and my health and the mental and physical health of one of my kids suffered greatly. I made a mistake and re-calibrated. Mom is well cared for by people trained to deal with her. We have someone trained to advocate and make medical decisions. When I see her I no longer feel angry, burned out and resentful and when she gets difficult, I can leave and know she has a professional ally.

Outsource what?

Grandma has dementia and is in assistant living/hospice/hospitals.

What do you expect? Say sorry to grandma and tell her she's on her own when she's not capable of doing anything or making decisions? Really?

OP's husband clearly has power of attorney and is the designated person with the legal responsibility for his mother. Which means by default he does have to be there to sign the papers and deal with the needs.

Kids and OP have to understand that right now they are not the most important people around. And that is why you come across as selfish and self-centered because it's all about you, right? That's why words like "boundaries" are major red flags. YOU are not important. Accept it.

Right now I am dealing with aging parents that is taking up more time than I'd like but it's the right thing to do. Just as they sacrificed all their time for me as a child as that was the right thing to do, too. Selfishness has no place here.

At what point should kids be "the most important people" to their own father? Because for the past 5 years, they haven't been.

They'll cope.

Do you really think the kids are angry and resentful of grandma? The kids *know* grandma is in a difficult place. They know why dad is so busy with grandma. The kids naturally assume they have a life that is infinity stretching ahead of them. This is just how the dice is rolling for the family and it sucks but there really is no alternative other than to abandon grandma to the state and deal with the ethics of it and dad is clearly not going to do that, understandably. The kids are learning something about the reality of life and the importance of caring for family.

Not the person you are responding to, but I had a therapist who specialized in sandwich generation issues and yes, kids can be very angry and resentful and not be able to fully express it. It's not either or, but there has to be priority list and grandma does not get to top the list. Grandma had a full life and now you need to make sure she is safe and cared for. That is not the expense of a developing human who is not even an adult yet or marriage or an adult child's mental or physical health.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t you hire help?

Signing documents for a parent at a nursing home is usually time sensitive. He may not have the time to explain that to you or the inclination.

Having her in a nursing home is a lot of help that many people don’t have.

As far as being late for picking up kids, if you are in reasonably good health, you either have to do it yourself, hire a caregiver to do it, or rely on community members to help if you have that.

Have you tried to negotiate a decrease in travel with your employer? That might be the biggest issue here. Something to consider. In this day and age, unless you are presenting at conferences, there is usually a virtual option. And if you are presenting, you can negotiate for a decrease in travel while your DH is doing what he has to do.

Marriage is compromise. If you let resentment in, be prepared to divorce. It’s happened over much less, and if you are already at resentment, that’s not a good sign.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will most likely benefit when your own children treat you with the same loving care, concern and attention that you and your husband have given to his mother. Your children are benefiting more from learning this example than suffering any negative stress related to it.

This. You may be doing this already, but try to involve your kids with visits to see their grandmother. Talk to them about what you are doing and why. See, if your husband is agreeable, if the two of you or the whole family can get away for a weekend or a week. Ask the other family to be there for her when you do this. Unfortunately my husband got really impatient with me over the time spent with my mom. He insisted we go away and then discouraged me from returning early when I got a call from hospice. I was on the beltway when my mom passed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will most likely benefit when your own children treat you with the same loving care, concern and attention that you and your husband have given to his mother. Your children are benefiting more from learning this example than suffering any negative stress related to it.

This. You may be doing this already, but try to involve your kids with visits to see their grandmother. Talk to them about what you are doing and why. See, if your husband is agreeable, if the two of you or the whole family can get away for a weekend or a week. Ask the other family to be there for her when you do this. Unfortunately my husband got really impatient with me over the time spent with my mom. He insisted we go away and then discouraged me from returning early when I got a call from hospice. I was on the beltway when my mom passed.

No do not do this to your kids. Your kids should be able to live their lives not be chained and drained to grandma just because you want them chained and drained to you later in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this isn't the best place to be asking for advice or venting. Many posters are incredibly selfish. Life is all about them, how dare any family member intrude into their lives.

The reality is that your husband's mother is in a demanding position with her dementia. You can't abandon her to the state. Someone does have to be there to make the decisions. Your husband is doing what is right and just.

It will pass in due time.

Red flag. The word "selfish" is thrown like a dagger to manipulate people into feeling guilty for having boundaries. Reject that manipulation. You have a right to outsource. The health of the family you create comes first. I don't know about you, but I was left with any sitter who was breathing and over the age of 8 as a kid and fended for myself a lot. Even pulling back he will be providing a lot better care than many of us received as kids.

I did not set boundaries for too long and my health and the mental and physical health of one of my kids suffered greatly. I made a mistake and re-calibrated. Mom is well cared for by people trained to deal with her. We have someone trained to advocate and make medical decisions. When I see her I no longer feel angry, burned out and resentful and when she gets difficult, I can leave and know she has a professional ally.

Outsource what?

Grandma has dementia and is in assistant living/hospice/hospitals.

What do you expect? Say sorry to grandma and tell her she's on her own when she's not capable of doing anything or making decisions? Really?

OP's husband clearly has power of attorney and is the designated person with the legal responsibility for his mother. Which means by default he does have to be there to sign the papers and deal with the needs.

Kids and OP have to understand that right now they are not the most important people around. And that is why you come across as selfish and self-centered because it's all about you, right? That's why words like "boundaries" are major red flags. YOU are not important. Accept it.

Right now I am dealing with aging parents that is taking up more time than I'd like but it's the right thing to do. Just as they sacrificed all their time for me as a child as that was the right thing to do, too. Selfishness has no place here.

At what point should kids be "the most important people" to their own father? Because for the past 5 years, they haven't been.

They'll cope.

Do you really think the kids are angry and resentful of grandma? The kids *know* grandma is in a difficult place. They know why dad is so busy with grandma. The kids naturally assume they have a life that is infinity stretching ahead of them. This is just how the dice is rolling for the family and it sucks but there really is no alternative other than to abandon grandma to the state and deal with the ethics of it and dad is clearly not going to do that, understandably. The kids are learning something about the reality of life and the importance of caring for family.

Not the person you are responding to, but I had a therapist who specialized in sandwich generation issues and yes, kids can be very angry and resentful and not be able to fully express it. It's not either or, but there has to be priority list and grandma does not get to top the list. Grandma had a full life and now you need to make sure she is safe and cared for. That is not the expense of a developing human who is not even an adult yet or marriage or an adult child's mental or physical health.

OR… try teaching your kids not to be selfish, entitled brats, and maybe to have some empathy for both their suffering grandma AND their suffering father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this isn't the best place to be asking for advice or venting. Many posters are incredibly selfish. Life is all about them, how dare any family member intrude into their lives.

The reality is that your husband's mother is in a demanding position with her dementia. You can't abandon her to the state. Someone does have to be there to make the decisions. Your husband is doing what is right and just.

It will pass in due time.

Red flag. The word "selfish" is thrown like a dagger to manipulate people into feeling guilty for having boundaries. Reject that manipulation. You have a right to outsource. The health of the family you create comes first. I don't know about you, but I was left with any sitter who was breathing and over the age of 8 as a kid and fended for myself a lot. Even pulling back he will be providing a lot better care than many of us received as kids.

I did not set boundaries for too long and my health and the mental and physical health of one of my kids suffered greatly. I made a mistake and re-calibrated. Mom is well cared for by people trained to deal with her. We have someone trained to advocate and make medical decisions. When I see her I no longer feel angry, burned out and resentful and when she gets difficult, I can leave and know she has a professional ally.

Outsource what?

Grandma has dementia and is in assistant living/hospice/hospitals.

What do you expect? Say sorry to grandma and tell her she's on her own when she's not capable of doing anything or making decisions? Really?

OP's husband clearly has power of attorney and is the designated person with the legal responsibility for his mother. Which means by default he does have to be there to sign the papers and deal with the needs.

Kids and OP have to understand that right now they are not the most important people around. And that is why you come across as selfish and self-centered because it's all about you, right? That's why words like "boundaries" are major red flags. YOU are not important. Accept it.

Right now I am dealing with aging parents that is taking up more time than I'd like but it's the right thing to do. Just as they sacrificed all their time for me as a child as that was the right thing to do, too. Selfishness has no place here.

At what point should kids be "the most important people" to their own father? Because for the past 5 years, they haven't been.

They'll cope.

Do you really think the kids are angry and resentful of grandma? The kids *know* grandma is in a difficult place. They know why dad is so busy with grandma. The kids naturally assume they have a life that is infinity stretching ahead of them. This is just how the dice is rolling for the family and it sucks but there really is no alternative other than to abandon grandma to the state and deal with the ethics of it and dad is clearly not going to do that, understandably. The kids are learning something about the reality of life and the importance of caring for family.

Not the person you are responding to, but I had a therapist who specialized in sandwich generation issues and yes, kids can be very angry and resentful and not be able to fully express it. It's not either or, but there has to be priority list and grandma does not get to top the list. Grandma had a full life and now you need to make sure she is safe and cared for. That is not the expense of a developing human who is not even an adult yet or marriage or an adult child's mental or physical health.

OR… try teaching your kids not to be selfish, entitled brats, and maybe to have some empathy for both their suffering grandma AND their suffering father.

Just stop. The kids have already given up a lot as Dad tends to grandma. The older generation has got to stop sucking everything and everyone dry.

[Anonymous]

God bless him for being a good son and doing the right thing. My selfish husband started ignoring his parents, then me and the kids and then had a marriage ending affair. I’d much rather have your husband.

That being said- you need help. Hire some and tell him you’re proud of him, but you and the kids need more of his time.

[Anonymous]

I was in this exact position myself 8 years ago and divorced over it. Marriage was already strained and with his parents needing constant care, his 2 childless unwed selfish siblings refusing to help it all fell on my husband at the time. My husband at the time and I had 3 kids which everything fell onto me while he played nurse. His father was adamant they wouldn’t go to nursing homes so it fell on husband to drop of pick up at dialysis 3 times a week, plus helping to get him up and ready, to making sure they were eating etc whatever all while mom had dementia. Father finally passed about 2 years ago and he’s still caring for mom who’s dementia/health is worse. There is no help from nurses or siblings only him caring for now mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this isn't the best place to be asking for advice or venting. Many posters are incredibly selfish. Life is all about them, how dare any family member intrude into their lives.

The reality is that your husband's mother is in a demanding position with her dementia. You can't abandon her to the state. Someone does have to be there to make the decisions. Your husband is doing what is right and just.

It will pass in due time.

Red flag. The word "selfish" is thrown like a dagger to manipulate people into feeling guilty for having boundaries. Reject that manipulation. You have a right to outsource. The health of the family you create comes first. I don't know about you, but I was left with any sitter who was breathing and over the age of 8 as a kid and fended for myself a lot. Even pulling back he will be providing a lot better care than many of us received as kids.

I did not set boundaries for too long and my health and the mental and physical health of one of my kids suffered greatly. I made a mistake and re-calibrated. Mom is well cared for by people trained to deal with her. We have someone trained to advocate and make medical decisions. When I see her I no longer feel angry, burned out and resentful and when she gets difficult, I can leave and know she has a professional ally.

Outsource what?

Grandma has dementia and is in assistant living/hospice/hospitals.

What do you expect? Say sorry to grandma and tell her she's on her own when she's not capable of doing anything or making decisions? Really?

OP's husband clearly has power of attorney and is the designated person with the legal responsibility for his mother. Which means by default he does have to be there to sign the papers and deal with the needs.

Kids and OP have to understand that right now they are not the most important people around. And that is why you come across as selfish and self-centered because it's all about you, right? That's why words like "boundaries" are major red flags. YOU are not important. Accept it.

Right now I am dealing with aging parents that is taking up more time than I'd like but it's the right thing to do. Just as they sacrificed all their time for me as a child as that was the right thing to do, too. Selfishness has no place here.

At what point should kids be "the most important people" to their own father? Because for the past 5 years, they haven't been.

They'll cope.

Do you really think the kids are angry and resentful of grandma? The kids *know* grandma is in a difficult place. They know why dad is so busy with grandma. The kids naturally assume they have a life that is infinity stretching ahead of them. This is just how the dice is rolling for the family and it sucks but there really is no alternative other than to abandon grandma to the state and deal with the ethics of it and dad is clearly not going to do that, understandably. The kids are learning something about the reality of life and the importance of caring for family.

Not the person you are responding to, but I had a therapist who specialized in sandwich generation issues and yes, kids can be very angry and resentful and not be able to fully express it. It's not either or, but there has to be priority list and grandma does not get to top the list. Grandma had a full life and now you need to make sure she is safe and cared for. That is not the expense of a developing human who is not even an adult yet or marriage or an adult child's mental or physical health.

OR… try teaching your kids not to be selfish, entitled brats, and maybe to have some empathy for both their suffering grandma AND their suffering father.

Please get help. Children who need their parents are not selfish and entitled brats and it doesn't mean they don't have empathy for grandma and their dad. Your responses are becoming abusive.

OP, a therapist who works with families in this situation can help him figure out boundaries that work for the family and help you all find balance. The responses, I suspect by one poster on here are getting increasingly disturbing and I have reported a few for crossing a line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this isn't the best place to be asking for advice or venting. Many posters are incredibly selfish. Life is all about them, how dare any family member intrude into their lives.

The reality is that your husband's mother is in a demanding position with her dementia. You can't abandon her to the state. Someone does have to be there to make the decisions. Your husband is doing what is right and just.

It will pass in due time.

Red flag. The word "selfish" is thrown like a dagger to manipulate people into feeling guilty for having boundaries. Reject that manipulation. You have a right to outsource. The health of the family you create comes first. I don't know about you, but I was left with any sitter who was breathing and over the age of 8 as a kid and fended for myself a lot. Even pulling back he will be providing a lot better care than many of us received as kids.

I did not set boundaries for too long and my health and the mental and physical health of one of my kids suffered greatly. I made a mistake and re-calibrated. Mom is well cared for by people trained to deal with her. We have someone trained to advocate and make medical decisions. When I see her I no longer feel angry, burned out and resentful and when she gets difficult, I can leave and know she has a professional ally.

Outsource what?

Grandma has dementia and is in assistant living/hospice/hospitals.

What do you expect? Say sorry to grandma and tell her she's on her own when she's not capable of doing anything or making decisions? Really?

OP's husband clearly has power of attorney and is the designated person with the legal responsibility for his mother. Which means by default he does have to be there to sign the papers and deal with the needs.

Kids and OP have to understand that right now they are not the most important people around. And that is why you come across as selfish and self-centered because it's all about you, right? That's why words like "boundaries" are major red flags. YOU are not important. Accept it.

Right now I am dealing with aging parents that is taking up more time than I'd like but it's the right thing to do. Just as they sacrificed all their time for me as a child as that was the right thing to do, too. Selfishness has no place here.

At what point should kids be "the most important people" to their own father? Because for the past 5 years, they haven't been.

They'll cope.

Do you really think the kids are angry and resentful of grandma? The kids *know* grandma is in a difficult place. They know why dad is so busy with grandma. The kids naturally assume they have a life that is infinity stretching ahead of them. This is just how the dice is rolling for the family and it sucks but there really is no alternative other than to abandon grandma to the state and deal with the ethics of it and dad is clearly not going to do that, understandably. The kids are learning something about the reality of life and the importance of caring for family.

DP here and nope I don’t think little kids understand this at all bc developmentally they aren’t able to.

All they understand is their dad doesn’t want to spend time with them and no matter what they do or try it’s still not good enough and he still won’t spend time with them. That’s how little kids think bc they are little kids. There is no explanation that you can give them that will stop this thinking internally. Again it’s developmental so it’s not something to be fixed or that can be fixed