Secretly starting to resent husband and all the care of his elderly mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to work so much? Both of you should cut back. 60 with travel is a lot.

Who’s going to pay for MIL’s care?

You, in a different job that is more suitable to your situation.

Don't listen to this person. Must be someone who's retired. Jobs aren't growing on trees and her kids will need those resources eventually. MIL's situation is temporary.

It doesn’t change the fact that having both parents have 60+ hrs/wk jobs with three kids is unsustainable for most families. I worked part-time when my dh had a job like that. He’s stepped back now and I’ve ramped up to full-time with some travel. I don’t see how we would have managed otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to work so much? Both of you should cut back. 60 with travel is a lot.

Who’s going to pay for MIL’s care?

You, in a different job that is more suitable to your situation.

Don't listen to this person. Must be someone who's retired. Jobs aren't growing on trees and her kids will need those resources eventually. MIL's situation is temporary.

It doesn’t change the fact that having both parents have 60+ hrs/wk jobs with three kids is unsustainable for most families. I worked part-time when my dh had a job like that. He’s stepped back now and I’ve ramped up to full-time with some travel. I don’t see how we would have managed otherwise.

It can be sustainable with a great nanny

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will most likely benefit when your own children treat you with the same loving care, concern and attention that you and your husband have given to his mother. Your children are benefiting more from learning this example than suffering any negative stress related to it.

Rarely the case. Everyone I know who saw their parents burned out by elder care management ran away from it when it was time to care for their own parents. Better to model boundaries and outsource more of managing elder stuff. You can hire an expert to visit and advocate.

[Anonymous]

Hire help.
Otherwise, family stress can cause divorce. I know

[Anonymous]

He needs to accept that he can’t continue down this path and come out the other end with a wife and kids who don’t resent him. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

He needs to wind down. She’s over 90 and has dementia. She doesn’t know or remember that he is there. If she really was great, she would be horrified that her son is breaking his marriage , hurting his career and abandoning his children, I know that I would.

[Anonymous]

OP, this isn't the best place to be asking for advice or venting. Many posters are incredibly selfish. Life is all about them, how dare any family member intrude into their lives.

The reality is that your husband's mother is in a demanding position with her dementia. You can't abandon her to the state. Someone does have to be there to make the decisions. Your husband is doing what is right and just.

It will pass in due time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to wind down. She’s over 90 and has dementia. She doesn’t know or remember that he is there. If she really was great, she would be horrified that her son is breaking his marriage , hurting his career and abandoning his children, I know that I would.

This. I keep flipping this and asking myself what I want my kids to do with me when I'm 90. I definitely do not want to become their burden. I hope to downsize and set myself up in a transitional adult community with assistance available. I doubt his mom would have wanted to cause this much grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to work so much? Both of you should cut back. 60 with travel is a lot.

Who’s going to pay for MIL’s care?

You, in a different job that is more suitable to your situation.

Don't listen to this person. Must be someone who's retired. Jobs aren't growing on trees and her kids will need those resources eventually. MIL's situation is temporary.

It doesn’t change the fact that having both parents have 60+ hrs/wk jobs with three kids is unsustainable for most families. I worked part-time when my dh had a job like that. He’s stepped back now and I’ve ramped up to full-time with some travel. I don’t see how we would have managed otherwise.

It can be sustainable with a great nanny

If they had a great nanny then OP wouldn’t be struggling to pick up her kid from a field trip and take the other kid to basketball after five 12hr work days in a row

[Anonymous]

Given that she is in a facility, and you have hired people to visit her several times a week, I'm curious how often your husband is really there? Is it a nightly thing...weekly thing...every few months when you have to move her?

I guess I'm asking...what so really bothering you? Because she's not in the home with yo, you're not responding for daily care.

So what do you really resent? I sense maybe you're displacing your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this isn't the best place to be asking for advice or venting. Many posters are incredibly selfish. Life is all about them, how dare any family member intrude into their lives.

The reality is that your husband's mother is in a demanding position with her dementia. You can't abandon her to the state. Someone does have to be there to make the decisions. Your husband is doing what is right and just.

It will pass in due time.

Red flag. The word "selfish" is thrown like a dagger to manipulate people into feeling guilty for having boundaries. Reject that manipulation. You have a right to outsource. The health of the family you create comes first. I don't know about you, but I was left with any sitter who was breathing and over the age of 8 as a kid and fended for myself a lot. Even pulling back he will be providing a lot better care than many of us received as kids.

I did not set boundaries for too long and my health and the mental and physical health of one of my kids suffered greatly. I made a mistake and re-calibrated. Mom is well cared for by people trained to deal with her. We have someone trained to advocate and make medical decisions. When I see her I no longer feel angry, burned out and resentful and when she gets difficult, I can leave and know she has a professional ally.

[Anonymous]

Hugs my dear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to work so much? Both of you should cut back. 60 with travel is a lot.

Who’s going to pay for MIL’s care?

You, in a different job that is more suitable to your situation.

Don't listen to this person. Must be someone who's retired. Jobs aren't growing on trees and her kids will need those resources eventually. MIL's situation is temporary.

It doesn’t change the fact that having both parents have 60+ hrs/wk jobs with three kids is unsustainable for most families. I worked part-time when my dh had a job like that. He’s stepped back now and I’ve ramped up to full-time with some travel. I don’t see how we would have managed otherwise.

The two parents working 60+ plus hours is really the crazy part of this whole scenario. Elderly parents get ill, siblings don't step up in meaningful ways, kids need care. The kids stopping their activities doesn't seem like a viable solution, nor does simply abandoning a sick 90-year-old woman. Getting some additional assistance with kids and mom would help. And one or both parents need to step back. It's almost as if OP and DH are in some competition to see who can burn out first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to work so much? Both of you should cut back. 60 with travel is a lot.

Who’s going to pay for MIL’s care?

You, in a different job that is more suitable to your situation.

Don't listen to this person. Must be someone who's retired. Jobs aren't growing on trees and her kids will need those resources eventually. MIL's situation is temporary.

It doesn’t change the fact that having both parents have 60+ hrs/wk jobs with three kids is unsustainable for most families. I worked part-time when my dh had a job like that. He’s stepped back now and I’ve ramped up to full-time with some travel. I don’t see how we would have managed otherwise.

The two parents working 60+ plus hours is really the crazy part of this whole scenario. Elderly parents get ill, siblings don't step up in meaningful ways, kids need care. The kids stopping their activities doesn't seem like a viable solution, nor does simply abandoning a sick 90-year-old woman. Getting some additional assistance with kids and mom would help. And one or both parents need to step back. It's almost as if OP and DH are in some competition to see who can burn out first.

Or they have worked hard and are successful or on the path to becoming successful in their careers. They should not step back from their careers. They are already funding the elderly women’s 90k a year nursing care. They need to step back from the 90 year old and let the people they hired to take care of her do it.

The idea that OP should give up her job or mommy track herself for MIL is insane. I guess to pay for the nursing care then the kids can give up college. No self respecting grandmother would ever want this to happen.

[Anonymous]

I hate to sound cold-hearted, but this problem has an end point, and it's probably not that far away. If you can't work less or change anything, then at least you can look forward to that (without telling DH, of course).