Sister gave up dating at 40

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get the sense that this is a story that is falling apart.

A major part of my skepticism has to do with that OP really hasn't provided details of how sister is too intrusive in the family's life. What does that really mean? What does she do that is interfering?

This. OP can’t keep her fanciful story straight.

Troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your sister needs ways to fill her time outside of work and is developing a codependency on your family to fill that time too much for your comfort and availability.

If the getting together feels too much too often, can you just reduce the family events and visits to a more manageable schedule?

One sister visiting another a few times a year is codependency? wow.

Of course OP can "set boundaries" (which as a reminder is something you set and hold for yourself, not something other people hold for you) and never see her sister at all if she wants to, but wanting to be an involved aunt by visiting a few times a year and trying to build a relationships with nieces and nephews beyond sending them gifts does not make you "codependent". I have my own family and still try to build a relationship with my sisters kids so that I can be another trusted and supportive adults in their lives, and I'd love for my kids to have that with my sister. Our aunts and uncles were very distant. Its their choice that they wanted to do that, but also sad my sister and I only had our parents versus a community of adults we knew were there for us.

Swim meets and holidays are not a few times a year. Sounds like she comes several weekends a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your sister needs ways to fill her time outside of work and is developing a codependency on your family to fill that time too much for your comfort and availability.

If the getting together feels too much too often, can you just reduce the family events and visits to a more manageable schedule?

One sister visiting another a few times a year is codependency? wow.

Of course OP can "set boundaries" (which as a reminder is something you set and hold for yourself, not something other people hold for you) and never see her sister at all if she wants to, but wanting to be an involved aunt by visiting a few times a year and trying to build a relationships with nieces and nephews beyond sending them gifts does not make you "codependent". I have my own family and still try to build a relationship with my sisters kids so that I can be another trusted and supportive adults in their lives, and I'd love for my kids to have that with my sister. Our aunts and uncles were very distant. Its their choice that they wanted to do that, but also sad my sister and I only had our parents versus a community of adults we knew were there for us.

Swim meets and holidays are not a few times a year. Sounds like she comes several weekends a month.

She said she lives a plane ride away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You describe her in your initial post as successful, independent, but then later on describe her as attached by the hip to your parents with no life of her own. So that’s confusing.

I’m having trouble understanding how this concrete affects your life in a negative way. Attendance at a swim meet wouldn’t bother me.

How do your kids feel about her?

They used to be enthusiastic about seeing her but now she’s a fixture to them they're so used to they say hi to and then disappear into their rooms to do homework or call friends.

She’s successful in that she has a lot of resources but our parents step in with her too much and she welcomes it. Sometimes, I see it like this—imagine someone who has plenty of job offers that would pay enough to afford a great apartment but opts to stay in mom and dad’s basement because it’s so cozy and mom and dad just adore the company.

So you think they're all pathetic - not your problem. They're far away and can be as co-dependent on each other as they want. My uncle lived in my grandparents house for his entire life in a codependent relationship. Was it sad thats the way his life turned out? Sure. But it also ended up having a silver lining in the end when my grandma was infirm for 20 years after her husband died and my uncle spent 20 years taking her out to lunch, learning how to make her dinner instead of the other way around, taking her to doctors appointments, and being a companion. It's not a life I would want and we all judged it, but in the end all appreciated that he was there in the end (that lasted 20 years!) as well

[Anonymous]

A good way to reduce contact of this nature is for your DH to develop a more limited tolerance for your sister in his life. It’s generally the case that when a BIL or SisIL aren’t particularly fond of each other they put their foot down and contact shrinks to tolerable levels, without much in the way of hard feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m not smug. My kids are getting older and she’s going to have to back off. I have two SILs in the same position as my sister who do not behave this way. They live our kids but have boundaries and my MIL doesn’t drag them along every time she visits. My sister doesn’t think boundaries apply to her. I do not think she should be relying on me and my family to provide that experience for her because she decided to throw in the towel on dating. Do some here think I should invite that?

We get it. You're special and important because you managed to catch a man and get married. Your nuclear family is now the most important and unique thing in the world. A family member who wants to spend time together must want to live vicariously through you because she can't get a man, because you're so amazing, and you accomplished the one thing in life that a woman is meant to do.

Nailed it. I don’t understand though, who wouldn’t want more people to help care and love on their children?

Having been in the position of the OP, the issue is not more help with the kids. It’s overstepping boundaries. The parents invited the sister to stay at someone else’s house without asking. Now the OP has to host additional people for a week and wasn’t consulted if that was how she wanted to spend her time and money. Family closeness is NOT an excuse for lack of boundaries. When this happens repeatedly, it feels like everyone expects you to fulfill their needs and they don’t actually care about your needs.

I also have an almost 40 yo single sister who comes with my parents when they’re in town. In the past, I’ve always welcomed her and encouraged her to visit but she’s not loving or even friendly most of the time. She often gets snappy with my kids, helps herself to most of the food we’ve prepared for the whole family, and is generally selfish. It’s not egregious enough behavior to tell her not to visit but she’s an unpleasant person. The kids don’t like her much and neither do I. OP’s sister sounds nice though I wonder if there are any issues like this she’s not mentioning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are so judgmental. How is it the easy way out for her to accept, with what must be sadness and maturity, that she is going to be stepping away from creating her own nuclear family? I can't imagine my sister feeling the way you do.

OP, you are really mean!

[Anonymous]

If this isn't a troll post, the "problem" isn't the sister, but your parents.

Your contempt for your sister is clear. But I if you're really upset about the visits you need to talk with your parents who are clearly the ones inviting your sister.

Tell them that you understand they want to include your sister but they need to consult with you and have your approval before inviting anyone, even your sister to your house. You can say having the extra guest is a lot for you and you don't necessarily want to do it each time they visit. If they say your sister needs to come with them - then you have the choice to just invite your parents less.

[Anonymous]

I think I get where you are going, OP. It's not in the details of every visit; it's the mental/emotional space. Essentially her life plan is to be a close part of your family, which is very nice and loving, but it can also be emotionally intrusive. The expectations of joinder without the understanding of what a family schedule is and how much of your mental work goes into it. The subtle expectation, unstated and maybe not yet even front of mind, that your kids will be the ones to care for her in her old age (in addition to caring for you). The need to always factor in another person, who will be alone if you don't make the plans to include them, sometimes at the expense of having core family time.

On the one hand, you want to do this, and every family has the single, potentially lonely person they need to keep an eye on and keep in the loving family loop. But, what you are probably feeling at the same time is that although she chose this (in your opinion), ultimately it has become your responsibility to make sure she isn't alone in life (or your parents are making you feel that way), and one day, because of her choices, it will be your children's responsibility. You are feeling a twinge of resentment, even though you probably will never act on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m not smug. My kids are getting older and she’s going to have to back off. I have two SILs in the same position as my sister who do not behave this way. They live our kids but have boundaries and my MIL doesn’t drag them along every time she visits. My sister doesn’t think boundaries apply to her. I do not think she should be relying on me and my family to provide that experience for her because she decided to throw in the towel on dating. Do some here think I should invite that?

We get it. You're special and important because you managed to catch a man and get married. Your nuclear family is now the most important and unique thing in the world. A family member who wants to spend time together must want to live vicariously through you because she can't get a man, because you're so amazing, and you accomplished the one thing in life that a woman is meant to do.

Nailed it. I don’t understand though, who wouldn’t want more people to help care and love on their children?

Having been in the position of the OP, the issue is not more help with the kids. It’s overstepping boundaries. The parents invited the sister to stay at someone else’s house without asking. Now the OP has to host additional people for a week and wasn’t consulted if that was how she wanted to spend her time and money. Family closeness is NOT an excuse for lack of boundaries. When this happens repeatedly, it feels like everyone expects you to fulfill their needs and they don’t actually care about your needs.

This is crux of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I send my kid to three different relatives on weekends. It's so nice. I don't see anything bad coming from it.
I spend my childhood summers at grandparents. Best time.
Are you and your DH both controlling? Why wouldn't you want to spend time just the two of you?

DP: Here's the thing, though. Not everyone wants to send their kids away for the weekend, at least not often. And if the kids are in sports, like swimming, most weekends are meets, and most parents have to/want to work the meets or watch the kids compete. Some people want to be with their kids all summer and look forward to that. Creating the expectation that now you have to send your kid away, interrupt their sports, miss out on time with them because someone else needs your kids to fill an empty spot in their life, well, that can be stressful and cause resentment. And to be told there is something wrong with you, or that you are controlling, because you want to be with your own kids is just rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You describe her in your initial post as successful, independent, but then later on describe her as attached by the hip to your parents with no life of her own. So that’s confusing.

I’m having trouble understanding how this concrete affects your life in a negative way. Attendance at a swim meet wouldn’t bother me.

How do your kids feel about her?

They used to be enthusiastic about seeing her but now she’s a fixture to them they're so used to they say hi to and then disappear into their rooms to do homework or call friends.

She’s successful in that she has a lot of resources but our parents step in with her too much and she welcomes it. Sometimes, I see it like this—imagine someone who has plenty of job offers that would pay enough to afford a great apartment but opts to stay in mom and dad’s basement because it’s so cozy and mom and dad just adore the company.

So you think they're all pathetic - not your problem. They're far away and can be as co-dependent on each other as they want. My uncle lived in my grandparents house for his entire life in a codependent relationship. Was it sad thats the way his life turned out? Sure. But it also ended up having a silver lining in the end when my grandma was infirm for 20 years after her husband died and my uncle spent 20 years taking her out to lunch, learning how to make her dinner instead of the other way around, taking her to doctors appointments, and being a companion. It's not a life I would want and we all judged it, but in the end all appreciated that he was there in the end (that lasted 20 years!) as well

This here.

OP is fake, but for discussion purposes, let’s imagine OP’s reaction if her sister wasn’t involved, and when OP’s mom breaks a hip or dad gets dementia, and OP would get all huffy about having to step away from her perfect family life to care for her parents. The horror! You just know that when the time comes, she will dump it all on her sister’s shoulders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m not smug. My kids are getting older and she’s going to have to back off. I have two SILs in the same position as my sister who do not behave this way. They live our kids but have boundaries and my MIL doesn’t drag them along every time she visits. My sister doesn’t think boundaries apply to her. I do not think she should be relying on me and my family to provide that experience for her because she decided to throw in the towel on dating. Do some here think I should invite that?

Honestly, having a single, loving aunt can be a huge blessing for many kids. Will she babysit? Would she host them in the summer? Is she interested in taking them to travel places, maybe even 1 on 1? I'd find ways to channel her desire to bond with your kids.

Instead you seem to find it suffocating and annoying, which is unfortunate.

[Anonymous]

I have a family member like this who was not a plane ride away but also expected to be invited to *everything*. Soccer games, Sunday dinners, everything. And yes, that 'fun aunt' trope works when the fun aunt actually helps. But this family member just was a drain -- it was like having an additional child that I always had to think about, making sure she had invited, etc.

The other issue was that she started to behave as though she was a parent -- she would tell my kids she would take them to things without checking with me or DH. This is a problem when there are family logistics to worry about. This is a problem when kids are led to believe they get to go do this thing fun aunt says, even though they are already scheduled for piano lessons.

She was just emotionally exhausting, and could not comprehend very basic boundaries (e.g., "ask me before suggesting some event for my kids"; "It is time-consuming and mentally draining to make sure you know where/when every swim meet is").

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And increasingly been relying on me and my nuclear family to make up for the nuclear family she’s decided to give up on. She wants to be very involved as an aunt but it’s gone overboard with too much interest in my kids. It’s starting to feel unhealthy. Our parents don’t help, either. They encourage her involvement, even provide the transportation. They invite her along every time they visit us or meet us somewhere for the weekend, for example.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with her— she’s well off with a great job, she’s attractive, she’s kind… I feel like she’s just decided to take the easy way out and more or less has turned to me and said, well, I’ll live vicariously through you, ok?

I think in the long run this situation could damage our relationship. DH has run out of patience, too. I do believe to some extent that if someone of her means and position with hobbies and friends wants a family in todays world, they can (most of the time) make it happen. I personally think she just doesn’t want to take a risk and put in the effort, and she knows she has our parents willing to push her, literally and figuratively, through my doorway if need be.

How old are your kids OP? My kids are in their late teens, and I would love it if they had a close relationship with my sister. My sister has her own kids, and they have a "normal" aunt relationship (enjoy being around her and the cousins, but not a close one where they would talk to her about things). Knowing that things will come up that my kids may not be comfortable discussing with me, and knowing that there is another adult in the family who loves and cares for them, and can guide them to make good choices would be ideal.