Sister gave up dating at 40

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You describe her in your initial post as successful, independent, but then later on describe her as attached by the hip to your parents with no life of her own. So that’s confusing.

I’m having trouble understanding how this concrete affects your life in a negative way. Attendance at a swim meet wouldn’t bother me.

How do your kids feel about her?

They used to be enthusiastic about seeing her but now she’s a fixture to them they're so used to they say hi to and then disappear into their rooms to do homework or call friends.

She’s successful in that she has a lot of resources but our parents step in with her too much and she welcomes it. Sometimes, I see it like this—imagine someone who has plenty of job offers that would pay enough to afford a great apartment but opts to stay in mom and dad’s basement because it’s so cozy and mom and dad just adore the company.

I think there is a lot to be said for intergenerational living. My parents are visiting us now for a whole month and I wish I could keep them here forever, honestly. Are you threatened by how close your sister is with your parents?

[Anonymous]

Your story fell apart when they’re all suddenly a plane ride away. Now it makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You describe her in your initial post as successful, independent, but then later on describe her as attached by the hip to your parents with no life of her own. So that’s confusing.

I’m having trouble understanding how this concrete affects your life in a negative way. Attendance at a swim meet wouldn’t bother me.

How do your kids feel about her?

They used to be enthusiastic about seeing her but now she’s a fixture to them they're so used to they say hi to and then disappear into their rooms to do homework or call friends.

She’s successful in that she has a lot of resources but our parents step in with her too much and she welcomes it. Sometimes, I see it like this—imagine someone who has plenty of job offers that would pay enough to afford a great apartment but opts to stay in mom and dad’s basement because it’s so cozy and mom and dad just adore the company.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Kids are supposed to feel that way as they get older and more independent. They probably feel that way about your parents - and about you, for that matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like you want to be smug and judge your sister.

+1

+100. Another judgmental post

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just encourage her to be more independent especially wrt your parents. Tell her to travel on her own or convince book her a women groups tour, take a swing dancing or salsa class with her, or pickle ball. You are right that she needs to build her own identity and group of friends and pull away from your parents, especially. But the best way to do that is to help her try new experiences.

Yeah, tell her! She'll really respond well. Make sure to add in some condescension and contempt to really drive the point home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You describe her in your initial post as successful, independent, but then later on describe her as attached by the hip to your parents with no life of her own. So that’s confusing.

I’m having trouble understanding how this concrete affects your life in a negative way. Attendance at a swim meet wouldn’t bother me.

How do your kids feel about her?

They used to be enthusiastic about seeing her but now she’s a fixture to them they're so used to they say hi to and then disappear into their rooms to do homework or call friends.

She’s successful in that she has a lot of resources but our parents step in with her too much and she welcomes it. Sometimes, I see it like this—imagine someone who has plenty of job offers that would pay enough to afford a great apartment but opts to stay in mom and dad’s basement because it’s so cozy and mom and dad just adore the company.

I think there is a lot to be said for intergenerational living. My parents are visiting us now for a whole month and I wish I could keep them here forever, honestly. Are you threatened by how close your sister is with your parents?

What’s stopping you from ‘keeping them forever’ then? Try it out and report back to us if it’s so easy.
I love the advice people give when they have no clue how difficult it is to have someone like this in their lives. My sibling lives with my parents and expects my family to drop everything to cater to their whims. It’s very difficult. Op is not the only one dealing with a situation like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your story fell apart when they’re all suddenly a plane ride away. Now it makes no sense.

Not true at all. My SIL lives in another country and I have the same problem of being expected to fulfill her emotional needs. She visits 4-5 times a year (often through work trips). I would be fine with visits of a reasonable length if asked but she has done surprise visits with no notice that I’m not okay with. She gets upset when we don’t want to host for 3 weeks or don’t take her on summer vacation with us. When visiting, she makes plans with the kids and doesn’t consult us. She wants to share a bed with my 8 year old daughter (despite the fact we have a guest room) and it’s very disruptive to our routine.

[Anonymous]

You realize “your” kids are actually their own separate people moving around the universe, and not some kind of actual physical extension of you, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You describe her in your initial post as successful, independent, but then later on describe her as attached by the hip to your parents with no life of her own. So that’s confusing.

I’m having trouble understanding how this concrete affects your life in a negative way. Attendance at a swim meet wouldn’t bother me.

How do your kids feel about her?

They used to be enthusiastic about seeing her but now she’s a fixture to them they're so used to they say hi to and then disappear into their rooms to do homework or call friends.

She’s successful in that she has a lot of resources but our parents step in with her too much and she welcomes it. Sometimes, I see it like this—imagine someone who has plenty of job offers that would pay enough to afford a great apartment but opts to stay in mom and dad’s basement because it’s so cozy and mom and dad just adore the company.

I think there is a lot to be said for intergenerational living. My parents are visiting us now for a whole month and I wish I could keep them here forever, honestly. Are you threatened by how close your sister is with your parents?

What’s stopping you from ‘keeping them forever’ then? Try it out and report back to us if it’s so easy.
I love the advice people give when they have no clue how difficult it is to have someone like this in their lives. My sibling lives with my parents and expects my family to drop everything to cater to their whims. It’s very difficult. Op is not the only one dealing with a situation like this.

OP didn't say anything about the sister wanting everyone to drop everything to cater to her whims. She seems angry that OP's sister has prioritized her nuclear family over building a family of her own. She's upset that the sister likes coming to visit and going to swim meets - and that she shares a home with their parents. Even though I can't see how that affects OP except that she's really snooty about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You describe her in your initial post as successful, independent, but then later on describe her as attached by the hip to your parents with no life of her own. So that’s confusing.

I’m having trouble understanding how this concrete affects your life in a negative way. Attendance at a swim meet wouldn’t bother me.

How do your kids feel about her?

They used to be enthusiastic about seeing her but now she’s a fixture to them they're so used to they say hi to and then disappear into their rooms to do homework or call friends.

She’s successful in that she has a lot of resources but our parents step in with her too much and she welcomes it. Sometimes, I see it like this—imagine someone who has plenty of job offers that would pay enough to afford a great apartment but opts to stay in mom and dad’s basement because it’s so cozy and mom and dad just adore the company.

I think there is a lot to be said for intergenerational living. My parents are visiting us now for a whole month and I wish I could keep them here forever, honestly. Are you threatened by how close your sister is with your parents?

What’s stopping you from ‘keeping them forever’ then? Try it out and report back to us if it’s so easy.
I love the advice people give when they have no clue how difficult it is to have someone like this in their lives. My sibling lives with my parents and expects my family to drop everything to cater to their whims. It’s very difficult. Op is not the only one dealing with a situation like this.

OP didn't say anything about the sister wanting everyone to drop everything to cater to her whims. She seems angry that OP's sister has prioritized her nuclear family over building a family of her own. She's upset that the sister likes coming to visit and going to swim meets - and that she shares a home with their parents. Even though I can't see how that affects OP except that she's really snooty about it?

^ Me again and I think reading between the lines, OP seems nervous that the sister, by having such a close relationship with the parents, may get more of their estate once day. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that is the undertone I am getting here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You describe her in your initial post as successful, independent, but then later on describe her as attached by the hip to your parents with no life of her own. So that’s confusing.

I’m having trouble understanding how this concrete affects your life in a negative way. Attendance at a swim meet wouldn’t bother me.

How do your kids feel about her?

They used to be enthusiastic about seeing her but now she’s a fixture to them they're so used to they say hi to and then disappear into their rooms to do homework or call friends.

She’s successful in that she has a lot of resources but our parents step in with her too much and she welcomes it. Sometimes, I see it like this—imagine someone who has plenty of job offers that would pay enough to afford a great apartment but opts to stay in mom and dad’s basement because it’s so cozy and mom and dad just adore the company.

I think there is a lot to be said for intergenerational living. My parents are visiting us now for a whole month and I wish I could keep them here forever, honestly. Are you threatened by how close your sister is with your parents?

What’s stopping you from ‘keeping them forever’ then? Try it out and report back to us if it’s so easy.
I love the advice people give when they have no clue how difficult it is to have someone like this in their lives. My sibling lives with my parents and expects my family to drop everything to cater to their whims. It’s very difficult. Op is not the only one dealing with a situation like this.

OP didn't say anything about the sister wanting everyone to drop everything to cater to her whims. She seems angry that OP's sister has prioritized her nuclear family over building a family of her own. She's upset that the sister likes coming to visit and going to swim meets - and that she shares a home with their parents. Even though I can't see how that affects OP except that she's really snooty about it?

^ Me again and I think reading between the lines, OP seems nervous that the sister, by having such a close relationship with the parents, may get more of their estate once day. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that is the undertone I am getting here.

Oh, I'm not getting that. I think the OP is having difficulties with the amount of emotional attention that sibling needs, and the amount of disruption in routine caused by the sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You describe her in your initial post as successful, independent, but then later on describe her as attached by the hip to your parents with no life of her own. So that’s confusing.

I’m having trouble understanding how this concrete affects your life in a negative way. Attendance at a swim meet wouldn’t bother me.

How do your kids feel about her?

They used to be enthusiastic about seeing her but now she’s a fixture to them they're so used to they say hi to and then disappear into their rooms to do homework or call friends.

She’s successful in that she has a lot of resources but our parents step in with her too much and she welcomes it. Sometimes, I see it like this—imagine someone who has plenty of job offers that would pay enough to afford a great apartment but opts to stay in mom and dad’s basement because it’s so cozy and mom and dad just adore the company.

I think there is a lot to be said for intergenerational living. My parents are visiting us now for a whole month and I wish I could keep them here forever, honestly. Are you threatened by how close your sister is with your parents?

What’s stopping you from ‘keeping them forever’ then? Try it out and report back to us if it’s so easy.
I love the advice people give when they have no clue how difficult it is to have someone like this in their lives. My sibling lives with my parents and expects my family to drop everything to cater to their whims. It’s very difficult. Op is not the only one dealing with a situation like this.

OP didn't say anything about the sister wanting everyone to drop everything to cater to her whims. She seems angry that OP's sister has prioritized her nuclear family over building a family of her own. She's upset that the sister likes coming to visit and going to swim meets - and that she shares a home with their parents. Even though I can't see how that affects OP except that she's really snooty about it?

^ Me again and I think reading between the lines, OP seems nervous that the sister, by having such a close relationship with the parents, may get more of their estate once day. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that is the undertone I am getting here.

Lots of ‘reading between the lines’ on your part. OP didn’t say anything about anyones estate. That statement tells me exactly the type of person you must be…viewing your parents as just an inheritance once they have passed instead of having a good relationship with them while they are alive.
How exactly is OP ‘snooty’ about it? She has expressed that this situation is starting to wear on her spouse. I’ve been in the same situation and believe me when I tell you that her marriage will suffer if she doesn’t set boundaries with her sister.
You honestly sound like someone with no boundaries (and only interested in an inheritance ) in your responses…if I’m reading between the lines (but correct me if I’m wrong). SMH

[Anonymous]

Are your parents foisting her on you because it's too much for them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You describe her in your initial post as successful, independent, but then later on describe her as attached by the hip to your parents with no life of her own. So that’s confusing.

I’m having trouble understanding how this concrete affects your life in a negative way. Attendance at a swim meet wouldn’t bother me.

How do your kids feel about her?

They used to be enthusiastic about seeing her but now she’s a fixture to them they're so used to they say hi to and then disappear into their rooms to do homework or call friends.

She’s successful in that she has a lot of resources but our parents step in with her too much and she welcomes it. Sometimes, I see it like this—imagine someone who has plenty of job offers that would pay enough to afford a great apartment but opts to stay in mom and dad’s basement because it’s so cozy and mom and dad just adore the company.

I think there is a lot to be said for intergenerational living. My parents are visiting us now for a whole month and I wish I could keep them here forever, honestly. Are you threatened by how close your sister is with your parents?

What’s stopping you from ‘keeping them forever’ then? Try it out and report back to us if it’s so easy.
I love the advice people give when they have no clue how difficult it is to have someone like this in their lives. My sibling lives with my parents and expects my family to drop everything to cater to their whims. It’s very difficult. Op is not the only one dealing with a situation like this.

OP didn't say anything about the sister wanting everyone to drop everything to cater to her whims. She seems angry that OP's sister has prioritized her nuclear family over building a family of her own. She's upset that the sister likes coming to visit and going to swim meets - and that she shares a home with their parents. Even though I can't see how that affects OP except that she's really snooty about it?

^ Me again and I think reading between the lines, OP seems nervous that the sister, by having such a close relationship with the parents, may get more of their estate once day. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that is the undertone I am getting here.

Oh, I'm not getting that. I think the OP is having difficulties with the amount of emotional attention that sibling needs, and the amount of disruption in routine caused by the sibling.

This is exactly what is happening. Ask me how I know. This situation quickly will start consuming all of her time (thus taking time away from her spouse and children) if she doesn’t address it head on.

[Anonymous]

If It was my sister I would talk to her and encourage her to explore options for having kids on her own if she wants to have a family. And if that doesn’t appeal to her than I would offer help to help her start dating so she can meet someone to build a family with. She is t too old to have kids.

I can see why this is an issue. Your kids are older and want to do their own thing. You end up having to put your energy into getting them to hang out with their aunt and not be rude and I bet you want to hang out with your kids but bc they are at the age when they prefer not to then the time is more limited and it can feel like your sister is encroaching in that limited time.