Sister gave up dating at 40

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If It was my sister I would talk to her and encourage her to explore options for having kids on her own if she wants to have a family. And if that doesn’t appeal to her than I would offer help to help her start dating so she can meet someone to build a family with. She is t too old to have kids.

I can see why this is an issue. Your kids are older and want to do their own thing. You end up having to put your energy into getting them to hang out with their aunt and not be rude and I bet you want to hang out with your kids but bc they are at the age when they prefer not to then the time is more limited and it can feel like your sister is encroaching in that limited time.

She lives a plane ride away - how much time is she encroaching on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If It was my sister I would talk to her and encourage her to explore options for having kids on her own if she wants to have a family. And if that doesn’t appeal to her than I would offer help to help her start dating so she can meet someone to build a family with. She is t too old to have kids.

I can see why this is an issue. Your kids are older and want to do their own thing. You end up having to put your energy into getting them to hang out with their aunt and not be rude and I bet you want to hang out with your kids but bc they are at the age when they prefer not to then the time is more limited and it can feel like your sister is encroaching in that limited time.

She lives a plane ride away - how much time is she encroaching on?

Does it matter how much time? It sounds like the nature of the relationship is toxic. If her parents are asking her to consider the sister all the time, they don’t seem to be considering OP (or the needs of OPs family). The sister gets quality alone time with the parents, why is OP not allowed the same? Parents sound like they are overwhelmed with sister and foisting her on OP. This will be a problem when parents arent around anymore because the sister will transfer that attachment to OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If It was my sister I would talk to her and encourage her to explore options for having kids on her own if she wants to have a family. And if that doesn’t appeal to her than I would offer help to help her start dating so she can meet someone to build a family with. She is t too old to have kids.

I can see why this is an issue. Your kids are older and want to do their own thing. You end up having to put your energy into getting them to hang out with their aunt and not be rude and I bet you want to hang out with your kids but bc they are at the age when they prefer not to then the time is more limited and it can feel like your sister is encroaching in that limited time.

She lives a plane ride away - how much time is she encroaching on?

Does it matter how much time? It sounds like the nature of the relationship is toxic. If her parents are asking her to consider the sister all the time, they don’t seem to be considering OP (or the needs of OPs family). The sister gets quality alone time with the parents, why is OP not allowed the same? Parents sound like they are overwhelmed with sister and foisting her on OP. This will be a problem when parents arent around anymore because the sister will transfer that attachment to OP.

You people are nutzzz

But also OP is definitely a troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If It was my sister I would talk to her and encourage her to explore options for having kids on her own if she wants to have a family. And if that doesn’t appeal to her than I would offer help to help her start dating so she can meet someone to build a family with. She is t too old to have kids.

I can see why this is an issue. Your kids are older and want to do their own thing. You end up having to put your energy into getting them to hang out with their aunt and not be rude and I bet you want to hang out with your kids but bc they are at the age when they prefer not to then the time is more limited and it can feel like your sister is encroaching in that limited time.

She lives a plane ride away - how much time is she encroaching on?

Does it matter how much time? It sounds like the nature of the relationship is toxic. If her parents are asking her to consider the sister all the time, they don’t seem to be considering OP (or the needs of OPs family). The sister gets quality alone time with the parents, why is OP not allowed the same? Parents sound like they are overwhelmed with sister and foisting her on OP. This will be a problem when parents arent around anymore because the sister will transfer that attachment to OP.

You people are nutzzz

But also OP is definitely a troll

And you are trolling OP. Is it so hard for you to believe that someone could be overwhelmed with their family? Or is it because your family doesn’t want to be around you?

[Anonymous]

OP thinks she is better than her sister because she found a man. Simple as. She'll tolerate her parents because they are at least legitimate humans in her eyes because they married and had children. The sister did not manage to do this so OP thinks less of her. That's why the thread title is what it is rather than "sister is encroaching on our family time." OP bases her entire worldview of her sister on the fact that she believes she has given up on dating and having a family.

[Anonymous]

This is why I didn't take multiple therapists' advice and try to be a more involved aunt when I figured out we couldn't have our own kids.

Much like with OP, it wouldn't have worked out. Seems to me that the patent of the children chooses who the kids will be close to, so the sibling or inlaw relationship is more important than anything else.

If OP isn't a troll, then apparently she doesn't like her sister and doesn't want to see her or have her do stuff with the kids. As a woman in that position, I took the hint and f'd off to do my own thing.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore the haters. This would annoy me too. I'd have a frank talk with your parents and let them know its too much for you and they need to dial it back. Maybe in the immediate short term you need to dial it back with your parents too. It honestly just sounds like too much togetherness. If the three of them want to act like a nuclear family, that's their choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the haters. This would annoy me too. I'd have a frank talk with your parents and let them know its too much for you and they need to dial it back. Maybe in the immediate short term you need to dial it back with your parents too. It honestly just sounds like too much togetherness. If the three of them want to act like a nuclear family, that's their choice.

Agree. I think there is one troll on here that has a chip on their shoulder about never marrying/having kids. I’ve seen similar responses on another post about an overbearing, unmarried sibling. Btw there is nothing wrong with being unmarried/childless. It’s not for everyone. But if OPs family finds the sibling’s behavior overwhelming, it doesn’t mean they are judging them. Too much time together can damage relationships.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, my aunt saved my life when I was a teenager.

My mother was pretty terrible and we had a horrid relationship (though she thought it was stellar and I was her perfect, straight A, blond, pretty child -- I was an anxious wreck and had some real issues). My aunt was a resource, not a drain, even when I was a normal teenager who wasn't "eager" to see her, I did confide in her and she did help me (an abortion, for example. If I hadn't gotten one, I literally wouldn't be where I am now.).

My mother complained constantly because my aunt was single and "always around because she doesn't have her own husband and kids."

Then again, my mother hated her kids and was in an unhappy married and complained constantly, so maybe in hindsight, this behavior was an effort to isolate us. Honestly, looking between the lines at OP, I have severe suspicions. What are you hiding, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the haters. This would annoy me too. I'd have a frank talk with your parents and let them know its too much for you and they need to dial it back. Maybe in the immediate short term you need to dial it back with your parents too. It honestly just sounds like too much togetherness. If the three of them want to act like a nuclear family, that's their choice.

Yeah, “too much” given they are a plane ride away.

Must be a private plane that ferries them to OP every week to annoy her. Too much! Lol.

Give it up, troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, my aunt saved my life when I was a teenager.

My mother was pretty terrible and we had a horrid relationship (though she thought it was stellar and I was her perfect, straight A, blond, pretty child -- I was an anxious wreck and had some real issues). My aunt was a resource, not a drain, even when I was a normal teenager who wasn't "eager" to see her, I did confide in her and she did help me (an abortion, for example. If I hadn't gotten one, I literally wouldn't be where I am now.).

My mother complained constantly because my aunt was single and "always around because she doesn't have her own husband and kids."

Then again, my mother hated her kids and was in an unhappy married and complained constantly, so maybe in hindsight, this behavior was an effort to isolate us. Honestly, looking between the lines at OP, I have severe suspicions. What are you hiding, OP?

I am not going to suggest that OP has issues like your mom. However, your broader point stands. Having aunts that your kids can turn to can be a blessing. Not going to be needed by every child and in every family. But strong extended family relationships can be part of the network of raising your teens and young adults.

My kids are close to their aunts. I know things come out to their aunts that I don’t know. My sisters will tell me if they think I need to know (safety, something they are worried about), but for the most part, this is their relationship and I am not a part of it.

[Anonymous]

My 40 year old sister is also childless and likes spending time with my kids. And also spends a lot of time with our mom

I'm glad our mom has someone we can trust to get her to appointments and errands.

I'm glad my kids have another adult who cares about them. Seriously she can sometimes get them to do things I can't or see my side and as a mom to teens that's priceless.

She's also offered to pay for college, which we.were saving for , but my kids getting a bonus isn't something I'm going to turn down

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, without more details, you don't sound very kind.

Your parents bring her along when they visit? Why not?

Not OP but my parents know not to invite anyone to my house. They need to run it by me first. And if I say no, it’s no.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you.

I’d have a chat with the sister about her plans, hopes and dreams and would gently suggest trying new things, meeting people, etc.

I’d also chat with the parents along the lines of encouraging sis to try new things, don’t make her feel obligated to accompany parents all the time.

Other than that I would say yes to things I want to do with them/her and no to requests that feel like an imposition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spidey sense says that OP is still in the grips of sibling rivalry. She wants all of Mom and Dad‘s attention and is mad when (pretty, financially successful) sister is there, because Mom and Dad are not completely focusing on her and her kids. I mean she deserves it, right? Because she did things the right way, caught a man, got married, and had kids?

OP here. Oh lord, no way. I moved a plane trip away from them to keep my sanity.

PP here and now I’m really confused. You live a plane ride away from both your parents and your sister? But you still have too much contact with her and she’s a fixture in your kids’ lives?

They are retired and fly out for extended visits and bring her. She can work remotely and just brings her laptop. We’ve let her stay with us but we’ve asked her to break up the days and stay at a hotel because she stays for more than a week and it’s too much.

This I understand. Hosting an extra person for a week is a lot.