Sister gave up dating at 40

[Anonymous]

And increasingly been relying on me and my nuclear family to make up for the nuclear family she’s decided to give up on. She wants to be very involved as an aunt but it’s gone overboard with too much interest in my kids. It’s starting to feel unhealthy. Our parents don’t help, either. They encourage her involvement, even provide the transportation. They invite her along every time they visit us or meet us somewhere for the weekend, for example.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with her— she’s well off with a great job, she’s attractive, she’s kind… I feel like she’s just decided to take the easy way out and more or less has turned to me and said, well, I’ll live vicariously through you, ok?

I think in the long run this situation could damage our relationship. DH has run out of patience, too. I do believe to some extent that if someone of her means and position with hobbies and friends wants a family in todays world, they can (most of the time) make it happen. I personally think she just doesn’t want to take a risk and put in the effort, and she knows she has our parents willing to push her, literally and figuratively, through my doorway if need be.

[Anonymous]

There's so little detail in your post I don't even know what you want or if there's an actual question here. Have you tried talking to your sister about these concerns?

My only thought is that if she wants to be a free babysitter/helper, let her! Throughout the ages children have been raised by their extended family, not just their parents. My mother's sister helped raise me and she was much more sane than either of my parents and most of the reason I am successful today.

[Anonymous]

You sound like you want to be smug and judge your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like you want to be smug and judge your sister.

+1

[Anonymous]

Send the kids to spend time with her instead of having her join your nuclear family as much. You and hubby enjoy some adults only time and send the kids to aunt playdates.

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP, without more details, you don't sound very kind.

Your parents bring her along when they visit? Why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, without more details, you don't sound very kind.

Your parents bring her along when they visit? Why not?

+1 that's different from her barging in unannounced at random times

[Anonymous]

OP here. I’m not smug. My kids are getting older and she’s going to have to back off. I have two SILs in the same position as my sister who do not behave this way. They live our kids but have boundaries and my MIL doesn’t drag them along every time she visits. My sister doesn’t think boundaries apply to her. I do not think she should be relying on me and my family to provide that experience for her because she decided to throw in the towel on dating. Do some here think I should invite that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, without more details, you don't sound very kind.

Your parents bring her along when they visit? Why not?

I do not think it’s healthy for her to put all of her eggs in one basket at her age. Maybe because if I were in her shoes, I would not be doing what she does. She’s attached at the hip to our parents, she blew off dates with interesting me , she gave up on grad school and other things that would have enriched her life, and she turned down job offers that would have helped her grow as a person.

My parents want me to take responsibility for her feelings and happiness. But how much of it really is my and my DH’s responsibility? Yes, she absolutely should come over for holidays. But does she have to be invited every time my retired parents come to watch one of our kids at a swim meet, let’s say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, without more details, you don't sound very kind.

Your parents bring her along when they visit? Why not?

I do not think it’s healthy for her to put all of her eggs in one basket at her age. Maybe because if I were in her shoes, I would not be doing what she does. She’s attached at the hip to our parents, she blew off dates with interesting me , she gave up on grad school and other things that would have enriched her life, and she turned down job offers that would have helped her grow as a person.

My parents want me to take responsibility for her feelings and happiness. But how much of it really is my and my DH’s responsibility? Yes, she absolutely should come over for holidays. But does she have to be invited every time my retired parents come to watch one of our kids at a swim meet, let’s say.

*interesting men. Yes, she did that. She wanted to get married but cancelled dates for frivolous reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m not smug. My kids are getting older and she’s going to have to back off. I have two SILs in the same position as my sister who do not behave this way. They live our kids but have boundaries and my MIL doesn’t drag them along every time she visits. My sister doesn’t think boundaries apply to her. I do not think she should be relying on me and my family to provide that experience for her because she decided to throw in the towel on dating. Do some here think I should invite that?

We get it. You're special and important because you managed to catch a man and get married. Your nuclear family is now the most important and unique thing in the world. A family member who wants to spend time together must want to live vicariously through you because she can't get a man, because you're so amazing, and you accomplished the one thing in life that a woman is meant to do.

[Anonymous]

You are so judgmental. How is it the easy way out for her to accept, with what must be sadness and maturity, that she is going to be stepping away from creating her own nuclear family? I can't imagine my sister feeling the way you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are so judgmental. How is it the easy way out for her to accept, with what must be sadness and maturity, that she is going to be stepping away from creating her own nuclear family? I can't imagine my sister feeling the way you do.

She’s taken it to the extreme. My kids should not be her plan. I’ve watched this go down for the last 20 years. She’s been”accepting” is since college. Her situation is not an accident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are so judgmental. How is it the easy way out for her to accept, with what must be sadness and maturity, that she is going to be stepping away from creating her own nuclear family? I can't imagine my sister feeling the way you do.

She’s taken it to the extreme. My kids should not be her plan. I’ve watched this go down for the last 20 years. She’s been”accepting” is since college. Her situation is not an accident.

OP you sound awful. It's ok to communicate boundaries but it's not ok to judge her and expect anyone else to applaud your smug attitude. And if your kids are nearly grown they can communicate with their aunt themselves and leave you out of it.

[Anonymous]

How lucky some of us would feel to have the problem of a loving childless sister who wants to be involved in our kids' lives....