Sister gave up dating at 40

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spidey sense says that OP is still in the grips of sibling rivalry. She wants all of Mom and Dad‘s attention and is mad when (pretty, financially successful) sister is there, because Mom and Dad are not completely focusing on her and her kids. I mean she deserves it, right? Because she did things the right way, caught a man, got married, and had kids?

OP here. Oh lord, no way. I moved a plane trip away from them to keep my sanity.

PP here and now I’m really confused. You live a plane ride away from both your parents and your sister? But you still have too much contact with her and she’s a fixture in your kids’ lives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spidey sense says that OP is still in the grips of sibling rivalry. She wants all of Mom and Dad‘s attention and is mad when (pretty, financially successful) sister is there, because Mom and Dad are not completely focusing on her and her kids. I mean she deserves it, right? Because she did things the right way, caught a man, got married, and had kids?

OP here. Oh lord, no way. I moved a plane trip away from them to keep my sanity.

PP here and now I’m really confused. You live a plane ride away from both your parents and your sister? But you still have too much contact with her and she’s a fixture in your kids’ lives?

Yeah, how are they showing up all the time at things like swim meets if they’re a plane ride away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You describe her in your initial post as successful, independent, but then later on describe her as attached by the hip to your parents with no life of her own. So that’s confusing.

I’m having trouble understanding how this concrete affects your life in a negative way. Attendance at a swim meet wouldn’t bother me.

How do your kids feel about her?

They used to be enthusiastic about seeing her but now she’s a fixture to them they're so used to they say hi to and then disappear into their rooms to do homework or call friends.

She’s successful in that she has a lot of resources but our parents step in with her too much and she welcomes it. Sometimes, I see it like this—imagine someone who has plenty of job offers that would pay enough to afford a great apartment but opts to stay in mom and dad’s basement because it’s so cozy and mom and dad just adore the company.

There's nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spidey sense says that OP is still in the grips of sibling rivalry. She wants all of Mom and Dad‘s attention and is mad when (pretty, financially successful) sister is there, because Mom and Dad are not completely focusing on her and her kids. I mean she deserves it, right? Because she did things the right way, caught a man, got married, and had kids?

OP here. Oh lord, no way. I moved a plane trip away from them to keep my sanity.

PP here and now I’m really confused. You live a plane ride away from both your parents and your sister? But you still have too much contact with her and she’s a fixture in your kids’ lives?

They are retired and fly out for extended visits and bring her. She can work remotely and just brings her laptop. We’ve let her stay with us but we’ve asked her to break up the days and stay at a hotel because she stays for more than a week and it’s too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are so judgmental. How is it the easy way out for her to accept, with what must be sadness and maturity, that she is going to be stepping away from creating her own nuclear family? I can't imagine my sister feeling the way you do.

She’s taken it to the extreme. My kids should not be her plan. I’ve watched this go down for the last 20 years. She’s been”accepting” is since college. Her situation is not an accident.

OP, she may have emotional problems. My sister who did started going off the deep end did so after 40. Youth was over and she hadn’t made anything of her life, lots of failures. I think she just couldn’t cope, and also I think she had always had psychological problems, but they became more obvious at that age. She ended up retreating and hiding from people. Some people are not very resilient and have a hard time in life. They don’t have the same inner resources as the rest of us. This is why she’s close to your parents. Think about it, this is her family. This is all she has. There have probably been signs that she may not be able to establish her independence for a long time and she’s always expected you to be her sort-of mate. My sister did this and I had to move on. Your parents know that she doesn’t have many options and are sympathetic to her. It’s possible she’ll meet someone, but if she’s like my sister, she’ll sabotage it. You will be dealing with this for a long time, so I would get help for it.

Often in this situation the parents created the dependency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You describe her in your initial post as successful, independent, but then later on describe her as attached by the hip to your parents with no life of her own. So that’s confusing.

I’m having trouble understanding how this concrete affects your life in a negative way. Attendance at a swim meet wouldn’t bother me.

How do your kids feel about her?

They used to be enthusiastic about seeing her but now she’s a fixture to them they're so used to they say hi to and then disappear into their rooms to do homework or call friends.

She’s successful in that she has a lot of resources but our parents step in with her too much and she welcomes it. Sometimes, I see it like this—imagine someone who has plenty of job offers that would pay enough to afford a great apartment but opts to stay in mom and dad’s basement because it’s so cozy and mom and dad just adore the company.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Stay tuned for the post 15 years from now when the sister who moved on and moved a plane ride away and criticized her sister for being not as great as herself, is aghast that the parents leave the majority of their estate to the unmarried sister who stayed close and cared for them.

[Anonymous]

I send my kid to three different relatives on weekends. It's so nice. I don't see anything bad coming from it.
I spend my childhood summers at grandparents. Best time.
Are you and your DH both controlling? Why wouldn't you want to spend time just the two of you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spidey sense says that OP is still in the grips of sibling rivalry. She wants all of Mom and Dad‘s attention and is mad when (pretty, financially successful) sister is there, because Mom and Dad are not completely focusing on her and her kids. I mean she deserves it, right? Because she did things the right way, caught a man, got married, and had kids?

OP here. Oh lord, no way. I moved a plane trip away from them to keep my sanity.

PP here and now I’m really confused. You live a plane ride away from both your parents and your sister? But you still have too much contact with her and she’s a fixture in your kids’ lives?

They are retired and fly out for extended visits and bring her. She can work remotely and just brings her laptop. We’ve let her stay with us but we’ve asked her to break up the days and stay at a hotel because she stays for more than a week and it’s too much.

So they are stopping by for swim meets, etc., and they’re a plane ride away? This is very odd. If your sister came to visit on a plane, then of course you don’t exclude her from the little stuff that happens when she’s there. Why on earth would you expect her to stay at home while the rest of the family goes out to a swim meet?

OP, you are way too invested in your story about what your sister should be doing with her life. We get it, you think she’s emotionally stunted, too enmeshed with your parents, and is too clingy with your family.

But her emotional development, her life choices, and her relationship with your parents is absolutely none of your business. You can draw boundaries for what happens with your own family, but please at least try to conceal your utter scorn for her life choices. If you can, fake love and respect.

And if she needs to get onto a plane to stalk you, and only comes when your parents are visiting, how often is this actually happening anyway?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your sister needs ways to fill her time outside of work and is developing a codependency on your family to fill that time too much for your comfort and availability.

If the getting together feels too much too often, can you just reduce the family events and visits to a more manageable schedule?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spidey sense says that OP is still in the grips of sibling rivalry. She wants all of Mom and Dad‘s attention and is mad when (pretty, financially successful) sister is there, because Mom and Dad are not completely focusing on her and her kids. I mean she deserves it, right? Because she did things the right way, caught a man, got married, and had kids?

OP here. Oh lord, no way. I moved a plane trip away from them to keep my sanity.

PP here and now I’m really confused. You live a plane ride away from both your parents and your sister? But you still have too much contact with her and she’s a fixture in your kids’ lives?

They are retired and fly out for extended visits and bring her. She can work remotely and just brings her laptop. We’ve let her stay with us but we’ve asked her to break up the days and stay at a hotel because she stays for more than a week and it’s too much.

How often in a year are these visits?

[Anonymous]

I get the sense that this is a story that is falling apart.

A major part of my skepticism has to do with that OP really hasn't provided details of how sister is too intrusive in the family's life. What does that really mean? What does she do that is interfering?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m not smug. My kids are getting older and she’s going to have to back off. I have two SILs in the same position as my sister who do not behave this way. They live our kids but have boundaries and my MIL doesn’t drag them along every time she visits. My sister doesn’t think boundaries apply to her. I do not think she should be relying on me and my family to provide that experience for her because she decided to throw in the towel on dating. Do some here think I should invite that?

We get it. You're special and important because you managed to catch a man and get married. Your nuclear family is now the most important and unique thing in the world. A family member who wants to spend time together must want to live vicariously through you because she can't get a man, because you're so amazing, and you accomplished the one thing in life that a woman is meant to do.

Nailed it. I don’t understand though, who wouldn’t want more people to help care and love on their children?

Having been in the position of the OP, the issue is not more help with the kids. It’s overstepping boundaries. The parents invited the sister to stay at someone else’s house without asking. Now the OP has to host additional people for a week and wasn’t consulted if that was how she wanted to spend her time and money. Family closeness is NOT an excuse for lack of boundaries. When this happens repeatedly, it feels like everyone expects you to fulfill their needs and they don’t actually care about your needs.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you really don't like your sister. Which is fine, you're allowed to not like your sister and distance yourself.

But trying to blame her for it make YTA. I know plenty of friends who have sisters very involved in their kids lives, helping cart to activities, being the regular babysitter, coming to all kids events? Does it come with some give and take? Of course - almost all family relationships do. But that doesn't make these adults weird or pathetic to be an invested and supportive family member. So stop blaming your sister and creating some narrative about how she's using you, and just admit you don't like her or want to spend much time with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your sister needs ways to fill her time outside of work and is developing a codependency on your family to fill that time too much for your comfort and availability.

If the getting together feels too much too often, can you just reduce the family events and visits to a more manageable schedule?

One sister visiting another a few times a year is codependency? wow.

Of course OP can "set boundaries" (which as a reminder is something you set and hold for yourself, not something other people hold for you) and never see her sister at all if she wants to, but wanting to be an involved aunt by visiting a few times a year and trying to build a relationships with nieces and nephews beyond sending them gifts does not make you "codependent". I have my own family and still try to build a relationship with my sisters kids so that I can be another trusted and supportive adults in their lives, and I'd love for my kids to have that with my sister. Our aunts and uncles were very distant. Its their choice that they wanted to do that, but also sad my sister and I only had our parents versus a community of adults we knew were there for us.

[Anonymous]

Just encourage her to be more independent especially wrt your parents. Tell her to travel on her own or convince book her a women groups tour, take a swing dancing or salsa class with her, or pickle ball. You are right that she needs to build her own identity and group of friends and pull away from your parents, especially. But the best way to do that is to help her try new experiences.