Middle school boys suck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just a vent post. DS12 came home after sports practice last night and just opened the car door and started sobbing. I guess kids were trash talking his skills in basketball (and height) and he just reached a breaking point. He was upset and saying how is isn't good at any sports (not true, but he is just average) and how no one cares about what he cares about (science/academics) and he just wants friends that can care about science as much as he does. He was so upset and cried for a long time, and I just feel so bad for him.

We talked a lot about how you don't need to remain friends with people who don't make you feel good about yourself. But at this point he feels like he doesn't know anyone at his school who is into what he is into science/STEM wise. His one friend he had made this year that was just as into science moved to Ashburn I think he was really upset because he was the only 6th grader at his school to move on to regional science fair and none of his friends congratulated him. Which I know MS kids (and maybe boys in particular) can be self-centered and don't think about these things, but ugh I feel for him.

I guess i just wish that sports weren't so important at this age or middle school boys didn't care so much about strength or height. I mean 10 years from now when they are in college the percent of them still playing sports will probably be small!

But also why so much trash talking? I feel like that is all they do! My husband said it was normal when he was growing up too, but I know if it bothers him it probably bothers more of them. There is such a fine line between being funny and hurtful.

OP I am super sorry.

He is a rockstar.

Maybe try and find some robotics club or even some board gamers club outside of school. (some very smart science guys play board games) Something science based.

Kids are cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Google NCAC STEM Scouts. It is a local program run by the NCAC BSA Scout Council. Stupid easy to run, they provide you with the lecture notes, projects, and gear. You provide 3-5 adults who are willing to go through the training (3-4 hours) and a Chartering Organization (like a PTA or Church or VFW Post) willing to support the organization. STEM Scouts is so much easier to run then a regular Scout unit. There is no fund raising, no camping or outdoor activities, no committee, no bank account. The modules (4-6 per unit) are pretty solid and leave room for the adult volunteers to be creative.

There are a few labs in t he area, I am not certain if there is one in Arlington. But it is a great program. You might just need to create the program yoru kid needs.

Thanks! I will check it out. He is in BSA and LOVES it (doing a chemistry program later this month through BSA). I will look more into STEM scouts .

STEM Scouts rocks. We have loved it. You will probably need to put together a Lab but it really isn't that hard to do. The projects that they do are pretty cool. So far this year we have completed a Space Exploration and Structural Engineering module. We are working on a soft robotics module. It really is easy to run, the Council provides everything for the annual fee that you pay. Great program. They have material for ES and MS labs. I think they have stuff for HS labs as well but we are not at that place yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel you OP.

I have a high school boy who is into the arts and is also athletic and a big kid and excels at one sport. But it’s not his passion at all. He has consistently found “mainstream” boys to be not his scene and he hasn’t had much in common with them his whole life. And he likes his arts friends a lot better. Toxic masculinity is alive and well and they are often awful to each other. We as adults encourage it from the time they are little too. What is the first question a boy gets…what sport do you play. Meanwhile if an adult bothers to ask the question what are you into my son will light up and not talk about sports.

It’s a season in life. These kids will thrive as adults.

I have a kid like yours and get copies of group chats of my kid's arts, STEM, and sports groups. By far the worst are the STEM kids followed by the arts kids followed by the sports kids.

[Anonymous]

Honestly the STEM kids should be talked to. Racist jokes, intelligence jokes, homophobia, even violence. Do not expect these other groups to behave just because they are not "mainstream".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wasn't there for that trash talk, but sometimes I see my kids (one boy, one girl) pile on each other just to score points/try to be funny/have something to say. I discourage it and sometimes they'll tell me, "That's just how we talk!" I truly see them not knowing what to talk about sometimes, so they'll just go in on each other. I'm not proud of it and not excusing it, but maybe that's an answer to the, "Why so much trash talk?"

.

There’s a difference between trash talk amongst peers and friends and cruel ridicule of kids who are weaker. They know the difference.

No they don't the difference. At all. Kids are horribly insecure at that age. They can't tell the difference. They know whey they are doing it but to the recipient of the trash talk, their feelings are easily hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry your son is struggling. That's really hard as a parent.

I will say, though, that I think the trash talking among boys especially is pretty universal, even if it's not right, and it can target anything, not just academics and STEM.

Keep trying to encourage connections where you can. But I'd also suggest avoiding commentary about smarts over sports. Putting another entire category of talent down is not okay, either....

This. This whole thread is a bit odd with some of the comments.

FWIW, my kid is on a competitive Math team and PLENTY of the ‘smart’ boys on that Math team trash talk and gatekeep. It’s not just sports. Some boys are just competitive and it comes out in various arenas.

And, there are plenty of jerky STEM kids. Also, plenty of nice, supportive athlete-types.

OP, don’t worry so much about finding similar STEM kids or non-athletes. Most people don’t fit into one singular box. Just help your kid make connections with other NICE kids, regardless of what those kids’ interests are.

+1

My husband and I were both “smart kids” growing up and always thought we’d put a huge emphasis on academics. However, our oldest child doesn’t care much for academics (even though he is fairly smart) but he is a naturally gifted athlete. He is passionate about sports and this is the area where he really shines. So we encourage him to get decent grades and we support him as much as we can in his athletics, because that’s what really lights him up. And he is the nicest, most empathetic boy a parent could hope for.

At his current school (private) the boys are NOT into sports and he’s been the recipient of some bullying from the other students who are REALLY into politics and seem to delight in telling him he is a terrible person if he dares to disagree with the consensus opinions. It has gotten so bad that we are switching schools for next year. All he wants is to have some friends to shoot hoops with or kick a ball around at break or after school; not get into political debates.

So, it’s not just the “normal” kids or the athletes that are guilty of bullying behavior. It’s just the age. And I completely agree with the two PP’s that it’s not okay to build up your STEM kids by trying to tear down the other kids. That’s the same type of behavior in a different package but worse because it’s coming from the adults.

[Anonymous]

My son was really short and not into sports but he found plenty of friends who were like him. Maybe it’s time for a private school.

[Anonymous]

MS does suck.. And for almost everyone. But I encourage you to use this as a reaching moment. Sticks and stones. Teach resiliency. So important these days. I don’t want my DC to give this crap much credence in MS b/c this can happen in HS and college when I am not there to mitigate it.

Sorry this happened. Same thing happens to girls, though in a slightly different manner.

[Anonymous]

So interesting bc my MS age son was just saying this morning that the girls were so much meaner than the boys, which has certainly been my experience!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wasn't there for that trash talk, but sometimes I see my kids (one boy, one girl) pile on each other just to score points/try to be funny/have something to say. I discourage it and sometimes they'll tell me, "That's just how we talk!" I truly see them not knowing what to talk about sometimes, so they'll just go in on each other. I'm not proud of it and not excusing it, but maybe that's an answer to the, "Why so much trash talk?"

.

There’s a difference between trash talk amongst peers and friends and cruel ridicule of kids who are weaker. They know the difference.

No they don't the difference. At all. Kids are horribly insecure at that age. They can't tell the difference. They know whey they are doing it but to the recipient of the trash talk, their feelings are easily hurt.

OP here: Yup. These are his friends. I mean as I said the main kid here practically lives at our house. These are people he considers his best friends, and they consider him their best friends. It still hurts when your friends rag on you. The kids don't seem to know the line. Which I know they are learning and will figure it out one day (i hope!). Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt along the way.

I don't think he has any desire to ditch these people, but just wishes they would recognize his other accomplishments sometimes and not just care about sports.

[Anonymous]

It is not just the kids, my DS’s middle school focused on athletics. We would get emails about the morning announcements and it was all soccer, soccer, soccer. Maybe a very brief mention of an academic achievement. Maybe. But they clearly celebrated sports over academics. Even the freaking gifted teacher mocked kids who wanted to apply to more academically challenging schools.

[Anonymous]

OP here: I didn't mean to start some war between sports and academics. Again, my kid plays sports AND loves STEM stuff. You are right no one should be made fun of for what they love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wasn't there for that trash talk, but sometimes I see my kids (one boy, one girl) pile on each other just to score points/try to be funny/have something to say. I discourage it and sometimes they'll tell me, "That's just how we talk!" I truly see them not knowing what to talk about sometimes, so they'll just go in on each other. I'm not proud of it and not excusing it, but maybe that's an answer to the, "Why so much trash talk?"

.

There’s a difference between trash talk amongst peers and friends and cruel ridicule of kids who are weaker. They know the difference.

No they don't the difference. At all. Kids are horribly insecure at that age. They can't tell the difference. They know whey they are doing it but to the recipient of the trash talk, their feelings are easily hurt.

OP here: Yup. These are his friends. I mean as I said the main kid here practically lives at our house. These are people he considers his best friends, and they consider him their best friends. It still hurts when your friends rag on you. The kids don't seem to know the line. Which I know they are learning and will figure it out one day (i hope!). Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt along the way.

I don't think he has any desire to ditch these people, but just wishes they would recognize his other accomplishments sometimes and not just care about sports.

For my son about the same age its the video games. Some of the boy are into sports or other activities but the video games are a common denominator. They trash talk and there are hurt feelings but I do see the boys call each other out telling them when they take a joke too far or if they are too mean so there is some hope there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of your kids sound like magnet STEM kids who are stuck with normies. They are being picked on because they are high achievers.

They are nerdy and small

[Anonymous]

OP your son is a middle school boy