Middle school boys suck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have him play tennis. Tennis is filled with a bunch of smart kids that love STEM.

Tennis culture can be toxic too, just like any sport. I got burned out when I was a kid so my talented kids only play rec or with mom and dad for fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have him play tennis. Tennis is filled with a bunch of smart kids that love STEM.

Tennis culture can be toxic too, just like any sport. I got burned out when I was a kid so my talented kids only play rec or with mom and dad for fun.

Disagree, mostly. Tennis is great for most kids. It’s an individual sport. Especially if you aren’t doing high level tournaments, the behavior is mild or completely fine, especially when compared to football, basketball,
Etc.

[Anonymous]

Trash talking is directed at your opponents not your teammates.

It’s not clear in this case but it appears to be straight up bullying not trash talking. Unless they’re on different teams?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I wasn't there for that trash talk, but sometimes I see my kids (one boy, one girl) pile on each other just to score points/try to be funny/have something to say. I discourage it and sometimes they'll tell me, "That's just how we talk!" I truly see them not knowing what to talk about sometimes, so they'll just go in on each other. I'm not proud of it and not excusing it, but maybe that's an answer to the, "Why so much trash talk?"

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There’s a difference between trash talk amongst peers and friends and cruel ridicule of kids who are weaker. They know the difference.

No they don't the difference. At all. Kids are horribly insecure at that age. They can't tell the difference. They know whey they are doing it but to the recipient of the trash talk, their feelings are easily hurt.

OP here: Yup. These are his friends. I mean as I said the main kid here practically lives at our house. These are people he considers his best friends, and they consider him their best friends. It still hurts when your friends rag on you. The kids don't seem to know the line. Which I know they are learning and will figure it out one day (i hope!). Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt along the way.

I don't think he has any desire to ditch these people, but just wishes they would recognize his other accomplishments sometimes and not just care about sports.

You said in your original post that his one true friend moved. Now you’re saying they consider your son their best friend. Best friends go to each others activities.

My son was horrible at sports. One summer when he was nine years old I sent him to a local that was held at a private school that had a lake. I did not realize that the sports would be taken so seriously. His first two days the bullies were laughing at him, mimicking him, mocking him. I called to tell them the problem he was having. They apologized and the bullying stopped right away.

That was the last time I made the mistake of thinking I could just sign him up for any camp. I picked appropriate camps from then on with no problems.

The top athletes usually don’t bother tormenting the less talented team mates. It’s usually the ones who are better than their target but not that great themselves. And his sobbing makes it apparent that it wasn’t just fun trash talking.

I hope you can find a great STEM summer camp program where he will be his element and can hold his own.

Oh i don't think I said "one true friend" I said the one new friend he made this year. He has camps he love (mostly outdoor survival camps and he goes to sleep away camp). But he is doing a marine science based camp in Florida this year which is new. He is excited

That sounds excellent. He’s got a lot going for him. There is no need for him to play basketball if it makes him that unhappy.

+1 basketball is kind of a trash talk sport traditionally. It’s very physical and you are literally in people’s faces. If wants to play a sport he could try baseball. There are lots of opportunities to be good at something between the positions

The trash talking can be almost as bad in baseball. I’ve been in tournaments and games where the umpires have had to call time to reprimand teams for their lack of sportsmanship. Of course, parents do it too. I’ve heard cross country parents are very supportive.

But agree basketball is bad because it’s so physical and spectators are jammed packed next to each other.

We’ve had a good experience on rec baseball, even being on terrible teams

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I wasn't there for that trash talk, but sometimes I see my kids (one boy, one girl) pile on each other just to score points/try to be funny/have something to say. I discourage it and sometimes they'll tell me, "That's just how we talk!" I truly see them not knowing what to talk about sometimes, so they'll just go in on each other. I'm not proud of it and not excusing it, but maybe that's an answer to the, "Why so much trash talk?"

.

There’s a difference between trash talk amongst peers and friends and cruel ridicule of kids who are weaker. They know the difference.

No they don't the difference. At all. Kids are horribly insecure at that age. They can't tell the difference. They know whey they are doing it but to the recipient of the trash talk, their feelings are easily hurt.

OP here: Yup. These are his friends. I mean as I said the main kid here practically lives at our house. These are people he considers his best friends, and they consider him their best friends. It still hurts when your friends rag on you. The kids don't seem to know the line. Which I know they are learning and will figure it out one day (i hope!). Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt along the way.

I don't think he has any desire to ditch these people, but just wishes they would recognize his other accomplishments sometimes and not just care about sports.

You said in your original post that his one true friend moved. Now you’re saying they consider your son their best friend. Best friends go to each others activities.

My son was horrible at sports. One summer when he was nine years old I sent him to a local that was held at a private school that had a lake. I did not realize that the sports would be taken so seriously. His first two days the bullies were laughing at him, mimicking him, mocking him. I called to tell them the problem he was having. They apologized and the bullying stopped right away.

That was the last time I made the mistake of thinking I could just sign him up for any camp. I picked appropriate camps from then on with no problems.

The top athletes usually don’t bother tormenting the less talented team mates. It’s usually the ones who are better than their target but not that great themselves. And his sobbing makes it apparent that it wasn’t just fun trash talking.

I hope you can find a great STEM summer camp program where he will be his element and can hold his own.

Oh i don't think I said "one true friend" I said the one new friend he made this year. He has camps he love (mostly outdoor survival camps and he goes to sleep away camp). But he is doing a marine science based camp in Florida this year which is new. He is excited

That sounds excellent. He’s got a lot going for him. There is no need for him to play basketball if it makes him that unhappy.

+1 basketball is kind of a trash talk sport traditionally. It’s very physical and you are literally in people’s faces. If wants to play a sport he could try baseball. There are lots of opportunities to be good at something between the positions

op here: he does play baseball I think he is actually good, but he does not your believe me. Ha ha.

[Anonymous]

Reach out to the counselor or teacher.vthere must be some sort of stem or robotics club at the school or in the community and if not can you start one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Middle school kids suck, period. When I was younger I used to be a teachers aide in middle school programs, and it’s just a terrible age. Your kid will need to find himself and gain the confidence to turn around and tell those kids trash talking him to eff off and toss something right back. Bullying works by picking off the perceived weakest in the group. If it doesn’t work, it loses its luster.

That being said, my non-sporty kid went through APS schools and never got crap from anyone, and he’s not particularly confident. I can’t see any APS middle school being so anti science that there isn’t someone else to hang with. It sounds like he’s focused on one group of kids and isn’t looking at all the other kids in school. Your kid sounds like he’s in the group that never gave my kid the time of day - but my son and his cohort were there the whole time. So maybe see where the “dorky weirdos” are and find a new tribe. And also, girls exist. My son’s closer friends are female.

The point about girls being friends is a good one. Some of these non-bro energy boys, girls are great friend options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have him play tennis. Tennis is filled with a bunch of smart kids that love STEM.

I posted before that my kid did Science Olympiad and his partner was mean to him. My kid is a very good tennis player. He wins tournaments and very good for his age. The kids may not be outwardly mean or say anything but the kid may just be ignored. I am not sure that is better either.

I have three kids and they all play tennis. The tennis kids and parents can be very snobby. My boys also play golf and it is the same. There are some real jerks playing golf.

The basketball kids are loud and obnoxious but I personally think the tennis, golf and science parents are worse.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:All of your kids sound like magnet STEM kids who are stuck with normies. They are being picked on because they are high achievers.

This comment is just gross. And I have a kid at an MCPS STEM Magnet high school.

Agreed. I have a SN kid. So from the other end of the spectrum, please cease and desist using this term immediately.

[Anonymous]

It will pass. My 13yr old DS is in the same boat. Luckily he has some friends from elementary who have had his back and he theirs consistently, but it's an odd alpha one upmanship thing that just sucks. Just say you support him and be there when he needs to vent. I have no easy answers but it's common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just a vent post. DS12 came home after sports practice last night and just opened the car door and started sobbing. I guess kids were trash talking his skills in basketball (and height) and he just reached a breaking point. He was upset and saying how is isn't good at any sports (not true, but he is just average) and how no one cares about what he cares about (science/academics) and he just wants friends that can care about science as much as he does. He was so upset and cried for a long time, and I just feel so bad for him.

We talked a lot about how you don't need to remain friends with people who don't make you feel good about yourself. But at this point he feels like he doesn't know anyone at his school who is into what he is into science/STEM wise. His one friend he had made this year that was just as into science moved to Ashburn I think he was really upset because he was the only 6th grader at his school to move on to regional science fair and none of his friends congratulated him. Which I know MS kids (and maybe boys in particular) can be self-centered and don't think about these things, but ugh I feel for him.

I guess i just wish that sports weren't so important at this age or middle school boys didn't care so much about strength or height. I mean 10 years from now when they are in college the percent of them still playing sports will probably be small!

But also why so much trash talking? I feel like that is all they do! My husband said it was normal when he was growing up too, but I know if it bothers him it probably bothers more of them. There is such a fine line between being funny and hurtful.

Hugs OP. I am here to tell you it’s going to be fine. My 16 year old sounds a lot like yours was. He is surprisingly good at his sport (plays on the varsity team). And he gets along fine with his teammates - they joke around and what not. But his close friends are the academic guys (and girls). And he os more focused on chemistry than soccer. Which isn’t making me sad or anything…

Your kid will find his way and may even be able to keep up with his sport without becoming a part of the culture he doesn’t like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a sweet DD. Let me tell you, MS girls suck even more. Especially the poorly parented ones, of which there is an abundance in our private.

Agree. Honestly, the poorly parented private school kids are so worse than the poorly parented title 1 public school kids.

+1. Not limited to anyone geographic area and it starts before ms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son stopped playing sports at school once he hit 9th grade because while he loved his sport, he was a middle of the pack player and got nothing but grief.

He has other passions and interests so it's not as if quitting his sport left him with nothing else at school but trash talk culture is a bummer. Because NONE OF THESE KIDS ARE GOING TO THE NFL/NBA/MLB. None.

+1

20 years from now, 99.999% of them will be playing in beer leagues. Heck, statistically 70% of them will quit by high school. The trash talk and posturing is so weird.

My DS is in the same boat. Athletically he’s middle of the pack, good skills but not especially aggressive or self-confident. The A team kids in his grade make fun of his hair, call him a nerd, and constantly roast him. He can beat them 1 on 1 at recess, even when they blatantly cheat, but at tryouts they all gang up and never pass the ball to him. We ended up dropping down to rec because the local club/travel teams were full of the same toxic behavior. The extra expense wasn’t worth the constant hits on his self-esteem. He has a lot more fun playing with kids who aren’t out to prove something.

His worst bully ended up also making the B team this year. After they played together for a season (and lost every single game, lol) the bully calmed down a lot and was nicer to DS. Hopefully they’ll all settle down once they realize they’re not That Guy.

[Anonymous]

Is this a frequent concern of his or just a one-off emotions dump? At this age I feel like my kid has a bit of an off day every few weeks where everything gets magnified

[Anonymous]

I'll remind the middle schooler to congratulate his peers on their accomplishments