Middle school boys suck

[Anonymous]

Middle school stinks. My son was in 7th and 8th during Covid. 6th is probably the worst year for kids but 7th and 8th are right behind. He was happy not to be in school because he was bullied and then was always blamed somehow for reporting it or not reporting it.

It gets better in high school. Really. Kids don't care as much about making others look bad so they look good in comparison. Kids are more focused on themselves which is a good thing.

Hang in there. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a frequent concern of his or just a one-off emotions dump? At this age I feel like my kid has a bit of an off day every few weeks where everything gets magnified

I think that it was mostly an emotions dump (I mean he hung out with these kids all weekend this weekend, so seemingly things are okay) but he has been complaining since early elementary about not having any friends that are into science, so I know that this is something on his mind. We do lots of science stuff for him (camps, clinics, museums, etc.).

I am hoping he starts to branch out a bit and talk to other people at school. He has been friends with this core group of boys since he was in kinder, which is both wonderful and has its downsides clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he in AAP? Luckily, my son has found a very supportive group of friends that don’t care about sports through the AAP center school.

My DS has as well. Frankly, I’d leave this area in a heartbeat, but we’d never find a cohort like this for DS anywhere else so we’ll stick it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ds is 9 and already dealing with this, I agree it is awful. These boys treat each other so terribly and it’s all very much based on whatever a few kids decide is the most compelling “currency”. I’m hopefully that ds will find some nice friends but he’s really struggling. There are days when he doesn’t want to go to school at all because of the bullying behavior of the other boys.
Sorry I don’t have any advice, just solidarity.

This is so heartbreakingly true. My DS is also 9, and despite being at the absolute top of a couple of sports, the only sports his class of boys think matter right now are football and lacrosse. That is the only currency. Those are not his sports. As he puts it, "the only thing they care about is being cool, and being cool means excluding people." What this has translated to is a total icing out of kids who aren't in the football and lacrosse crew, with a some on the outside trying hard to get in by being mean to others. DS has a couple of nice friends, but basically these boys are horrible to one another.

The only things that have helped a little are tripling down on hangouts with a few of the boys who tend to be a little nicer, doing as much as we can to set up hangouts with non-school friends, and frankly, doing a lot of things as a family.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I wasn't there for that trash talk, but sometimes I see my kids (one boy, one girl) pile on each other just to score points/try to be funny/have something to say. I discourage it and sometimes they'll tell me, "That's just how we talk!" I truly see them not knowing what to talk about sometimes, so they'll just go in on each other. I'm not proud of it and not excusing it, but maybe that's an answer to the, "Why so much trash talk?"

.

There’s a difference between trash talk amongst peers and friends and cruel ridicule of kids who are weaker. They know the difference.

No they don't the difference. At all. Kids are horribly insecure at that age. They can't tell the difference. They know whey they are doing it but to the recipient of the trash talk, their feelings are easily hurt.

OP here: Yup. These are his friends. I mean as I said the main kid here practically lives at our house. These are people he considers his best friends, and they consider him their best friends. It still hurts when your friends rag on you. The kids don't seem to know the line. Which I know they are learning and will figure it out one day (i hope!). Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt along the way.

I don't think he has any desire to ditch these people, but just wishes they would recognize his other accomplishments sometimes and not just care about sports.

You said in your original post that his one true friend moved. Now you’re saying they consider your son their best friend. Best friends go to each others activities.

My son was horrible at sports. One summer when he was nine years old I sent him to a local that was held at a private school that had a lake. I did not realize that the sports would be taken so seriously. His first two days the bullies were laughing at him, mimicking him, mocking him. I called to tell them the problem he was having. They apologized and the bullying stopped right away.

That was the last time I made the mistake of thinking I could just sign him up for any camp. I picked appropriate camps from then on with no problems.

The top athletes usually don’t bother tormenting the less talented team mates. It’s usually the ones who are better than their target but not that great themselves. And his sobbing makes it apparent that it wasn’t just fun trash talking.

I hope you can find a great STEM summer camp program where he will be his element and can hold his own.

Oh i don't think I said "one true friend" I said the one new friend he made this year. He has camps he love (mostly outdoor survival camps and he goes to sleep away camp). But he is doing a marine science based camp in Florida this year which is new. He is excited

That sounds excellent. He’s got a lot going for him. There is no need for him to play basketball if it makes him that unhappy.

+1 basketball is kind of a trash talk sport traditionally. It’s very physical and you are literally in people’s faces. If wants to play a sport he could try baseball. There are lots of opportunities to be good at something between the positions

The trash talking can be almost as bad in baseball. I’ve been in tournaments and games where the umpires have had to call time to reprimand teams for their lack of sportsmanship. Of course, parents do it too. I’ve heard cross country parents are very supportive.

But agree basketball is bad because it’s so physical and spectators are jammed packed next to each other.

We’ve had a good experience on rec baseball, even being on terrible teams

Rec baseball is way better than travel. Travel baseball players act like entitled jerks, because their parents and coaches treat them like professional players. It's the worst. But rec is usually fine.

We've been through a lot of sports: baseball, basketball, soccer, volleyball, flag football, softball, wrestling, and tackle football.

The two best, when comes it respect and teammate support: wrestling.

It is very rare to see a wrestler showboat or trash-talk their opponent. And if they do, their coach usually shuts it down immediately. Anyone that steps on the mat gets respect. And I've never heard of any issues with teammates. They're all in it together.

Something to consider for your son, OP, especially since wrestling takes all sizes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. Sports culture has become really gross. A lot of the parents are making it worse.

The parents are right in the middle of it, in our experience. Kids repeat what they hear at home, and a lot of parents are trying to experience first-time cool through their kids' sports. Hierarchies are the bread-and-butter of parents who have a weird need to feel cool through their kids, so they create them through their words and actions at home. Rampant insecurity and zero-sum mindset that seems like it can't get any worse these days, with college and everything else feeling so competitive to people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son stopped playing sports at school once he hit 9th grade because while he loved his sport, he was a middle of the pack player and got nothing but grief.

He has other passions and interests so it's not as if quitting his sport left him with nothing else at school but trash talk culture is a bummer. Because NONE OF THESE KIDS ARE GOING TO THE NFL/NBA/MLB. None.

+1

20 years from now, 99.999% of them will be playing in beer leagues. Heck, statistically 70% of them will quit by high school. The trash talk and posturing is so weird.

My DS is in the same boat. Athletically he’s middle of the pack, good skills but not especially aggressive or self-confident. The A team kids in his grade make fun of his hair, call him a nerd, and constantly roast him. He can beat them 1 on 1 at recess, even when they blatantly cheat, but at tryouts they all gang up and never pass the ball to him. We ended up dropping down to rec because the local club/travel teams were full of the same toxic behavior. The extra expense wasn’t worth the constant hits on his self-esteem. He has a lot more fun playing with kids who aren’t out to prove something.

His worst bully ended up also making the B team this year. After they played together for a season (and lost every single game, lol) the bully calmed down a lot and was nicer to DS. Hopefully they’ll all settle down once they realize they’re not That Guy.

A lot of very successful men were athletes. I’m not saying they played professional or even college sports but they were all athletic.

DH played sports. He wasn’t a recruit or anything but he played varsity high school. He enjoys playing and watching sports. His brother was valedictorian of his high school, not into sports, does t like to watch sports. He seems to struggle more socially and professionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son stopped playing sports at school once he hit 9th grade because while he loved his sport, he was a middle of the pack player and got nothing but grief.

He has other passions and interests so it's not as if quitting his sport left him with nothing else at school but trash talk culture is a bummer. Because NONE OF THESE KIDS ARE GOING TO THE NFL/NBA/MLB. None.

+1

20 years from now, 99.999% of them will be playing in beer leagues. Heck, statistically 70% of them will quit by high school. The trash talk and posturing is so weird.

My DS is in the same boat. Athletically he’s middle of the pack, good skills but not especially aggressive or self-confident. The A team kids in his grade make fun of his hair, call him a nerd, and constantly roast him. He can beat them 1 on 1 at recess, even when they blatantly cheat, but at tryouts they all gang up and never pass the ball to him. We ended up dropping down to rec because the local club/travel teams were full of the same toxic behavior. The extra expense wasn’t worth the constant hits on his self-esteem. He has a lot more fun playing with kids who aren’t out to prove something.

His worst bully ended up also making the B team this year. After they played together for a season (and lost every single game, lol) the bully calmed down a lot and was nicer to DS. Hopefully they’ll all settle down once they realize they’re not That Guy.

A lot of very successful men were athletes. I’m not saying they played professional or even college sports but they were all athletic.

DH played sports. He wasn’t a recruit or anything but he played varsity high school. He enjoys playing and watching sports. His brother was valedictorian of his high school, not into sports, does t like to watch sports. He seems to struggle more socially and professionally.

You seem to understand all about your BIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son stopped playing sports at school once he hit 9th grade because while he loved his sport, he was a middle of the pack player and got nothing but grief.

He has other passions and interests so it's not as if quitting his sport left him with nothing else at school but trash talk culture is a bummer. Because NONE OF THESE KIDS ARE GOING TO THE NFL/NBA/MLB. None.

+1

20 years from now, 99.999% of them will be playing in beer leagues. Heck, statistically 70% of them will quit by high school. The trash talk and posturing is so weird.

My DS is in the same boat. Athletically he’s middle of the pack, good skills but not especially aggressive or self-confident. The A team kids in his grade make fun of his hair, call him a nerd, and constantly roast him. He can beat them 1 on 1 at recess, even when they blatantly cheat, but at tryouts they all gang up and never pass the ball to him. We ended up dropping down to rec because the local club/travel teams were full of the same toxic behavior. The extra expense wasn’t worth the constant hits on his self-esteem. He has a lot more fun playing with kids who aren’t out to prove something.

His worst bully ended up also making the B team this year. After they played together for a season (and lost every single game, lol) the bully calmed down a lot and was nicer to DS. Hopefully they’ll all settle down once they realize they’re not That Guy.

A lot of very successful men were athletes. I’m not saying they played professional or even college sports but they were all athletic.

DH played sports. He wasn’t a recruit or anything but he played varsity high school. He enjoys playing and watching sports. His brother was valedictorian of his high school, not into sports, does t like to watch sports. He seems to struggle more socially and professionally.

You seem to understand all about your BIL.

All I’m saying is my BIL never got along with the jocks and it hurts him professionally. DH isn’t the best golfer but he likes to socialize. He goes to Super Bowl or baseball or basketball games. BIL just isn’t interested and never has been interested in sports.

I have friends with boys not good at sports. They say their boys struggle socially. My boys have always liked and played sports. They have always had friends and don’t struggle socially.

[Anonymous]

Pp again. I was an unathletic kid, last to get picked in kickball. I was a girl and no one picked on me. I didn’t play sports. This society values sports. It is what it is.

Like my brother in law, I sometimes or often was left out of out of work events. I don’t know if it was because I was female with all men but the guys didn’t invite me to go to a baseball game or go play tennis or golf after work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son stopped playing sports at school once he hit 9th grade because while he loved his sport, he was a middle of the pack player and got nothing but grief.

He has other passions and interests so it's not as if quitting his sport left him with nothing else at school but trash talk culture is a bummer. Because NONE OF THESE KIDS ARE GOING TO THE NFL/NBA/MLB. None.

+1

20 years from now, 99.999% of them will be playing in beer leagues. Heck, statistically 70% of them will quit by high school. The trash talk and posturing is so weird.

My DS is in the same boat. Athletically he’s middle of the pack, good skills but not especially aggressive or self-confident. The A team kids in his grade make fun of his hair, call him a nerd, and constantly roast him. He can beat them 1 on 1 at recess, even when they blatantly cheat, but at tryouts they all gang up and never pass the ball to him. We ended up dropping down to rec because the local club/travel teams were full of the same toxic behavior. The extra expense wasn’t worth the constant hits on his self-esteem. He has a lot more fun playing with kids who aren’t out to prove something.

His worst bully ended up also making the B team this year. After they played together for a season (and lost every single game, lol) the bully calmed down a lot and was nicer to DS. Hopefully they’ll all settle down once they realize they’re not That Guy.

A lot of very successful men were athletes. I’m not saying they played professional or even college sports but they were all athletic.

DH played sports. He wasn’t a recruit or anything but he played varsity high school. He enjoys playing and watching sports. His brother was valedictorian of his high school, not into sports, does t like to watch sports. He seems to struggle more socially and professionally.

You seem to understand all about your BIL.

All I’m saying is my BIL never got along with the jocks and it hurts him professionally. DH isn’t the best golfer but he likes to socialize. He goes to Super Bowl or baseball or basketball games. BIL just isn’t interested and never has been interested in sports.

I have friends with boys not good at sports. They say their boys struggle socially. My boys have always liked and played sports. They have always had friends and don’t struggle socially.

What is your point here? Are you just so relieved that things worked out for your boys that you came here to low-key gloat? There are many boys who are athletic and good at sports, and they struggle socially for whatever reason, including that boys often like to take the best players down a peg. You seem very weird, OP, coming here to compare your kids to others and your DH to your BIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son stopped playing sports at school once he hit 9th grade because while he loved his sport, he was a middle of the pack player and got nothing but grief.

He has other passions and interests so it's not as if quitting his sport left him with nothing else at school but trash talk culture is a bummer. Because NONE OF THESE KIDS ARE GOING TO THE NFL/NBA/MLB. None.

+1

20 years from now, 99.999% of them will be playing in beer leagues. Heck, statistically 70% of them will quit by high school. The trash talk and posturing is so weird.

My DS is in the same boat. Athletically he’s middle of the pack, good skills but not especially aggressive or self-confident. The A team kids in his grade make fun of his hair, call him a nerd, and constantly roast him. He can beat them 1 on 1 at recess, even when they blatantly cheat, but at tryouts they all gang up and never pass the ball to him. We ended up dropping down to rec because the local club/travel teams were full of the same toxic behavior. The extra expense wasn’t worth the constant hits on his self-esteem. He has a lot more fun playing with kids who aren’t out to prove something.

His worst bully ended up also making the B team this year. After they played together for a season (and lost every single game, lol) the bully calmed down a lot and was nicer to DS. Hopefully they’ll all settle down once they realize they’re not That Guy.

A lot of very successful men were athletes. I’m not saying they played professional or even college sports but they were all athletic.

DH played sports. He wasn’t a recruit or anything but he played varsity high school. He enjoys playing and watching sports. His brother was valedictorian of his high school, not into sports, does t like to watch sports. He seems to struggle more socially and professionally.

You seem to understand all about your BIL.

All I’m saying is my BIL never got along with the jocks and it hurts him professionally. DH isn’t the best golfer but he likes to socialize. He goes to Super Bowl or baseball or basketball games. BIL just isn’t interested and never has been interested in sports.

I have friends with boys not good at sports. They say their boys struggle socially. My boys have always liked and played sports. They have always had friends and don’t struggle socially.

What is your point here? Are you just so relieved that things worked out for your boys that you came here to low-key gloat? There are many boys who are athletic and good at sports, and they struggle socially for whatever reason, including that boys often like to take the best players down a peg. You seem very weird, OP, coming here to compare your kids to others and your DH to your BIL.

I don’t know what your problem is. One of pps said 99% of these kids won’t play in nba, nfl, etc. I was just saying that in America, sports is very much part of the culture and boys who don’t play or don’t like sports struggle socially.

I’m not on the field but there is plenty of trash talking. Boys need to grow a thicker skin. People are too sensitive.

I say this as a parent of a kid who didn’t make his first choice AAU basketball team. My kid is a great athlete but not an elite athlete. I don’t know who or what anyone said to him but he looked sad going to school today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son stopped playing sports at school once he hit 9th grade because while he loved his sport, he was a middle of the pack player and got nothing but grief.

He has other passions and interests so it's not as if quitting his sport left him with nothing else at school but trash talk culture is a bummer. Because NONE OF THESE KIDS ARE GOING TO THE NFL/NBA/MLB. None.

+1

20 years from now, 99.999% of them will be playing in beer leagues. Heck, statistically 70% of them will quit by high school. The trash talk and posturing is so weird.

My DS is in the same boat. Athletically he’s middle of the pack, good skills but not especially aggressive or self-confident. The A team kids in his grade make fun of his hair, call him a nerd, and constantly roast him. He can beat them 1 on 1 at recess, even when they blatantly cheat, but at tryouts they all gang up and never pass the ball to him. We ended up dropping down to rec because the local club/travel teams were full of the same toxic behavior. The extra expense wasn’t worth the constant hits on his self-esteem. He has a lot more fun playing with kids who aren’t out to prove something.

His worst bully ended up also making the B team this year. After they played together for a season (and lost every single game, lol) the bully calmed down a lot and was nicer to DS. Hopefully they’ll all settle down once they realize they’re not That Guy.

A lot of very successful men were athletes. I’m not saying they played professional or even college sports but they were all athletic.

DH played sports. He wasn’t a recruit or anything but he played varsity high school. He enjoys playing and watching sports. His brother was valedictorian of his high school, not into sports, does t like to watch sports. He seems to struggle more socially and professionally.

You seem to understand all about your BIL.

All I’m saying is my BIL never got along with the jocks and it hurts him professionally. DH isn’t the best golfer but he likes to socialize. He goes to Super Bowl or baseball or basketball games. BIL just isn’t interested and never has been interested in sports.

I have friends with boys not good at sports. They say their boys struggle socially. My boys have always liked and played sports. They have always had friends and don’t struggle socially.

What is your point here? Are you just so relieved that things worked out for your boys that you came here to low-key gloat? There are many boys who are athletic and good at sports, and they struggle socially for whatever reason, including that boys often like to take the best players down a peg. You seem very weird, OP, coming here to compare your kids to others and your DH to your BIL.

I don’t know what your problem is. One of pps said 99% of these kids won’t play in nba, nfl, etc. I was just saying that in America, sports is very much part of the culture and boys who don’t play or don’t like sports struggle socially.

I’m not on the field but there is plenty of trash talking. Boys need to grow a thicker skin. People are too sensitive.

I say this as a parent of a kid who didn’t make his first choice AAU basketball team. My kid is a great athlete but not an elite athlete. I don’t know who or what anyone said to him but he looked sad going to school today.

Yep, everyone just needs to buck up. Keep spreading the love, OP. Sorry your son sucks.

[Anonymous]

OP here: Wow I never thought this would turn into such a long post ha ha. I don't think my kid struggles socially. He has lots of friend, just wishes they would care about what he cares about sometimes. I think it can still feel lonely sometime even if you have friends or a good social life. I think that is probably a large part of what he feels sometimes. Which I guess is just part of life, but still hurts when your kids hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son stopped playing sports at school once he hit 9th grade because while he loved his sport, he was a middle of the pack player and got nothing but grief.

He has other passions and interests so it's not as if quitting his sport left him with nothing else at school but trash talk culture is a bummer. Because NONE OF THESE KIDS ARE GOING TO THE NFL/NBA/MLB. None.

+1

20 years from now, 99.999% of them will be playing in beer leagues. Heck, statistically 70% of them will quit by high school. The trash talk and posturing is so weird.

My DS is in the same boat. Athletically he’s middle of the pack, good skills but not especially aggressive or self-confident. The A team kids in his grade make fun of his hair, call him a nerd, and constantly roast him. He can beat them 1 on 1 at recess, even when they blatantly cheat, but at tryouts they all gang up and never pass the ball to him. We ended up dropping down to rec because the local club/travel teams were full of the same toxic behavior. The extra expense wasn’t worth the constant hits on his self-esteem. He has a lot more fun playing with kids who aren’t out to prove something.

His worst bully ended up also making the B team this year. After they played together for a season (and lost every single game, lol) the bully calmed down a lot and was nicer to DS. Hopefully they’ll all settle down once they realize they’re not That Guy.

A lot of very successful men were athletes. I’m not saying they played professional or even college sports but they were all athletic.

DH played sports. He wasn’t a recruit or anything but he played varsity high school. He enjoys playing and watching sports. His brother was valedictorian of his high school, not into sports, does t like to watch sports. He seems to struggle more socially and professionally.

You seem to understand all about your BIL.

All I’m saying is my BIL never got along with the jocks and it hurts him professionally. DH isn’t the best golfer but he likes to socialize. He goes to Super Bowl or baseball or basketball games. BIL just isn’t interested and never has been interested in sports.

I have friends with boys not good at sports. They say their boys struggle socially. My boys have always liked and played sports. They have always had friends and don’t struggle socially.

What is your point here? Are you just so relieved that things worked out for your boys that you came here to low-key gloat? There are many boys who are athletic and good at sports, and they struggle socially for whatever reason, including that boys often like to take the best players down a peg. You seem very weird, OP, coming here to compare your kids to others and your DH to your BIL.

I don’t know what your problem is. One of pps said 99% of these kids won’t play in nba, nfl, etc. I was just saying that in America, sports is very much part of the culture and boys who don’t play or don’t like sports struggle socially.

I’m not on the field but there is plenty of trash talking. Boys need to grow a thicker skin. People are too sensitive.

I say this as a parent of a kid who didn’t make his first choice AAU basketball team. My kid is a great athlete but not an elite athlete. I don’t know who or what anyone said to him but he looked sad going to school today.

Yep, everyone just needs to buck up. Keep spreading the love, OP. Sorry your son sucks.

Umm thanks? We will get through it.