Husband offering to help another woman

[Anonymous]

I am at a loss I dont know how to bring up him offering to get her a job at his workplace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here
He once told me I would never leave you because you are the mother of my son.
But when our marriage has been rocky , he said something along the lines that I can do whatever I want to do, ie leave him if I want to.

Does it matter if he has an affair? He's already disrespectful and treats you like crap.
My guess is he hangs on until your son is 18 so he's not paying child support.
This man doesn't want to be with you and I know that's harsh and not what you want to here. But that's the truth.tge problem is him and not her.
If he cared about you or the marriage he'd be the one creating boundaries.
You need to prepare yourself for a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Who would want to be in a marriage where you feel certain they’d have an affair if they worked together?

[Anonymous]

Flirting with someone, especially in front of you and in a group setting is highly disrespectful.

If nothing else, you should voice your feelings about this.

He will get defensive, no doubt. But, you need to let him know that this is how you feel and that him denying it is negating your feelings.

Let him know that since you see them flirting, you feel that him working with her and seeing her on a daily basis without you around makes you feel uncomfortable.

Ask him how he would feel if you were flirty with some good looking guy, and you helped that guy get a job at your workplace. More than likely, he will say that he'd be fine with it because to say otherwise would be acknowledging the situation. But even so, this might help him see your view, even if it's just planting that seed.

If he disregards your feelings about this completely and goes ahead with it, I think you can see the writing on the wall. Get your affairs (no pun intended) in order, and be ready for whatever may come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just talk to him about what you’ve noticed and your worries? Put down a boundary. Flirting is disrespectful to you and the marriage.

OP can't put down a boundary. DH can.
If OP puts down a boundary, DH will sneak around it or be resentful.
If DH doesn't put down a boundary, he made his choice.

She can and she should, together with him in a conversation. If he doesn’t respect how she feels about this then OP has her answer of how much or how little the marriage means to him. When the alarm goes off there is usually good reason. Express that to him.

[Anonymous]

Protect yourself. Start with the financials.
In my experience men do not help out other women in this way unless they are interested and the interest is mutual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here
He once told me I would never leave you because you are the mother of my son.
But when our marriage has been rocky , he said something along the lines that I can do whatever I want to do, ie leave him if I want to.

Does it matter if he has an affair? He's already disrespectful and treats you like crap.
My guess is he hangs on until your son is 18 so he's not paying child support.
This man doesn't want to be with you and I know that's harsh and not what you want to here. But that's the truth.tge problem is him and not her.
If he cared about you or the marriage he'd be the one creating boundaries.
You need to prepare yourself for a divorce.

Op here
100% agree with everything you said about him wanting to set the boundary if he wanted to and perhaps also waiting for 2 more years …

[Anonymous]

I get your concern about his relationship with this woman, but look at it from her perspective.

It would be reasonable and understandable if you asked your husband not to be alone with another woman. If you were asking him not to do handyman repairs at her home for example, you may come off a bit paranoid but normal.
However if she is a friend or close acquaintance and presumably she is qualified for the job at his company - it would be really strange not to pass along her resume. I submit referrals all the time for randos my mom meets - her book club member’s nephew, her physical therapist’s wife, etc. I work for a large company and it’s a small good deed that doesn’t cost me anything besides 15 min. If I had a comfortable friendly acquaintance relationship with a neighbor who worked in my field and they refused to refer me for an open role I would ask why and assume they did not like me or felt I would reflect poorly on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just talk to him about what you’ve noticed and your worries? Put down a boundary. Flirting is disrespectful to you and the marriage.

OP can't put down a boundary. DH can.
If OP puts down a boundary, DH will sneak around it or be resentful.
If DH doesn't put down a boundary, he made his choice.

She can and she should, together with him in a conversation. If he doesn’t respect how she feels about this then OP has her answer of how much or how little the marriage means to him. When the alarm goes off there is usually good reason. Express that to him.

No. His actions towards her have told her how he feels about her and the marriage. It's on op to decide if she wants to stay or go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just talk to him about what you’ve noticed and your worries? Put down a boundary. Flirting is disrespectful to you and the marriage.

OP can't put down a boundary. DH can.
If OP puts down a boundary, DH will sneak around it or be resentful.
If DH doesn't put down a boundary, he made his choice.

She can and she should, together with him in a conversation. If he doesn’t respect how she feels about this then OP has her answer of how much or how little the marriage means to him. When the alarm goes off there is usually good reason. Express that to him.

No. His actions towards her have told her how he feels about her and the marriage. It's on op to decide if she wants to stay or go

op here-
i am scared of going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just talk to him about what you’ve noticed and your worries? Put down a boundary. Flirting is disrespectful to you and the marriage.

OP can't put down a boundary. DH can.
If OP puts down a boundary, DH will sneak around it or be resentful.
If DH doesn't put down a boundary, he made his choice.

She can and she should, together with him in a conversation. If he doesn’t respect how she feels about this then OP has her answer of how much or how little the marriage means to him. When the alarm goes off there is usually good reason. Express that to him.

No. His actions towards her have told her how he feels about her and the marriage. It's on op to decide if she wants to stay or go

op here-
i am scared of going.

Make an appointment with a divorce attorney.

Step 1 is to get your finances in order. Maybe now is the time to enroll in a certificate program so you can get a job. Time to open credit cards, buy a car in your name and put a lot of money down. Maybe even buy an investment property that you could possibly live in after a divorce. Things like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just talk to him about what you’ve noticed and your worries? Put down a boundary. Flirting is disrespectful to you and the marriage.

OP can't put down a boundary. DH can.
If OP puts down a boundary, DH will sneak around it or be resentful.
If DH doesn't put down a boundary, he made his choice.

She can and she should, together with him in a conversation. If he doesn’t respect how she feels about this then OP has her answer of how much or how little the marriage means to him. When the alarm goes off there is usually good reason. Express that to him.

No. His actions towards her have told her how he feels about her and the marriage. It's on op to decide if she wants to stay or go

op here-
i am scared of going.

He knows that and that's why he's treating you badly.
This is what's being modeled for your son.
Treat women badly and as if they're disposable.
.
The marriage is over in all but name.
And you may not have a choice when it officially ends.
I would bet these two have been engaged in a affair for years. They are just becoming more brazen.
She got her divorce and now it's his turn.
She's been waiting for years.
He's been promising he will and I'd wager he will once your son is 18.
They are pathetic people Op.
You're not pathetic.
Do you're going to goto therapy and get stronger so you know that you're going to survive and thrive.
Get your ducks in a row

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should talk to him, but it cannot come off as accusatory. More like: DH, we have been through so much and I love you so much even though I know sometimes things are very hard. I want to bring something up that is deeply distressing to me; I trust you and your commitment to our family, but it’s so hard to watch you around X. It’s so clear that you have chemistry; I’d be an idiot to not see that. I know you haven’t acted on it by any means in an inappropriate way, but I get so scared thinking what may happen if she gets a chance to work with you and see you every single day, spend more time with you than sometimes I would get to, because I know she must see what a good man you are. I don’t know the right solution for my anxiety about this, but I wanted to be honest with you and that it’s hurting me right now.

+1 Also: refer to her as Larla.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just talk to him about what you’ve noticed and your worries? Put down a boundary. Flirting is disrespectful to you and the marriage.

OP can't put down a boundary. DH can.
If OP puts down a boundary, DH will sneak around it or be resentful.
If DH doesn't put down a boundary, he made his choice.

She can and she should, together with him in a conversation. If he doesn’t respect how she feels about this then OP has her answer of how much or how little the marriage means to him. When the alarm goes off there is usually good reason. Express that to him.

No. His actions towards her have told her how he feels about her and the marriage. It's on op to decide if she wants to stay or go

op here-
i am scared of going.

He knows that and that's why he's treating you badly.
This is what's being modeled for your son.
Treat women badly and as if they're disposable.
.
The marriage is over in all but name.
And you may not have a choice when it officially ends.
I would bet these two have been engaged in a affair for years. They are just becoming more brazen.
She got her divorce and now it's his turn.
She's been waiting for years.
He's been promising he will and I'd wager he will once your son is 18.
They are pathetic people Op.
You're not pathetic.
Do you're going to goto therapy and get stronger so you know that you're going to survive and thrive.
Get your ducks in a row

I generally agree with this and especially the bolded. Think about it, OP.

[Anonymous]

I would have nipped this in the bud the very first time I noticed something like this. And I would have said something to my DH. I don't play second fiddle and I expect respect.

I'm sorry OP. It sounds like you are afraid to have a conversation because you already know what the answer is.