Christmas...and ONLY Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your DH decide what you are ok with. Then you need to work very hard to stop caring that they are upset. It's not easy, especially if you've been a doormat in the past (which you have!). It's mainly your DH that need to buck up here.

He just needs to tell them you aren't doing Christmas with them this year. End of story. Don't give reasons, don't list other options, just say it's not going to work. If they ask why you empathize that it's hard to hear but that it's not possible this year. Let them throw a temper tantrum.

This. You just have to decide that your peace and calm is more important than their temper tantrum. And you are not shutting them out, you are offering very reasonable alternatives. If they don't want to accept them, that is on them.

[Anonymous]

Oh wow, op. If my parents or ILs poles this sh*t they would loose ALL christmases with our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see a lot of evidence you’re both controlling. The Georgia cabin story on their side, but requiring preapproval for kids’ gifts on your side. Something to think about.

Really? I'd always ask for parents' OK to buy any significant gift for their kid.

[Anonymous]

So normally my suggestion would be just no…but you’ve caved before when they escalate and they have booked tickets without telling you in the past. I’d suggest lying and telling them you are all going on a vacation instead, already booked no debate and just laugh if they ask you to send anything in writing. Be clear that if they show up on their own, no one will be home. You can even book a hotel room ..just make sure it has a no penalty cancellation.

You don’t have to craft an elaborate lie about the vacation. Just say one of you got sick or a work emergency came up and you cancelled last minute. Do this at the very last minute so they don’t hop on the next plane. Hopefully be clearly not being available they will make other plans, maybe visit one of their other kids or settle in to staying home.

Afterwards you and your husband can decide what you want to do. You can alternate or decide no hosting during Christmas. You’ve broken the cycle and it’s easier to then be firm on no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here--thanks for the input, all. (And I do enjoy being called both nasty and a doormat, lol.)

DH definitely is the messenger on all of this, though we discuss together before he engages. I think the real issue is that we've run out of productive ideas and know it's really in my ILs hands of how they want to deal with our preferences/requests. I'm

That said, I really like the "12 days of Christmas" frame! I admit having my kids wake up at home on Christmas morning is important to us, but I wonder if we could simply offer to fly to see them on the 26th or whatever for a few days before NYE. Seems like a simple solution that I should have thought of by now. Thanks!

You are definitely not nasty, OP. But your DH has definitely given way too much control to his parents. Time for the two of you to align on what works for your family and stick with it. Your ILs have learned that a no from your DH is not really a no. They might put up a fuss at first but if you hold tight to your plans, they will get over it and learn how to make plans that work for everyone vs their way being the only way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws demand to have Christmas with us every year, and I really do mean demand. One year when we proposed getting together at Thanksgiving as opposed to Christmas due to some unavoidable business travel that was going to make the end of December stressful on our end, his parents accused us of intentionally hurting them and requested we put in writing that they would be able to come up for every Christmas in the future. (We did not do that because we both thought it was absolutely insane.)

DH isn't an only child, but he is the only one with kids. My ILs do not see any of their other kids for other holidays.

I do try to give them some grace because we live near my parents and they've seemed jealous of that relationship on occasion. On the other hand, they are objectively tough guests to host. Don't pick up after themselves, don't want to leave the house to go sightseeing or whatever with us, and have even booked their tickets without checking dates with us in advance some years. They've also ignored our requests to check with us before buying presents for the kids, which has caused some headaches to boot.

We've thought that maybe if we could find times to see them outside the stress of Christmas, it would make for a more comfortable visit around Christmas. But when we've asked to get together over the summer or what-have-you for a weekend, they've either ignored us or otherwise only attempted to do so on exclusively their terms. For example, one time my MIL booked a cabin in Georgia without checking the dates (or location) with us and then was mad that we couldn't make the trip work. And when I once asked if they'd like to make Easter a standing holiday where we'd all travel to them, etc. they told us they typically have other commitments that weekend so it wouldn't work for their schedules.

Otherwise, DH has tried talking to his parents but the conversations have not been productive. It all feels a bit exhausting. My husband and I both dread Christmas as a result, which kind of sucks, but we also want to make sure our kids have the opportunity to have a relationship with both sets of grandparents. DH and I have tried to figure out how to make this situation less of a PIA but have run out of ideas.

Has anyone navigated something like this before?

Why would you want your kids to have a relationship with people like this? I'd cut them out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here--thanks for the input, all. (And I do enjoy being called both nasty and a doormat, lol.)

DH definitely is the messenger on all of this, though we discuss together before he engages. I think the real issue is that we've run out of productive ideas and know it's really in my ILs hands of how they want to deal with our preferences/requests. I'm

That said, I really like the "12 days of Christmas" frame! I admit having my kids wake up at home on Christmas morning is important to us, but I wonder if we could simply offer to fly to see them on the 26th or whatever for a few days before NYE. Seems like a simple solution that I should have thought of by now. Thanks!

You are definitely not nasty, OP. But your DH has definitely given way too much control to his parents. Time for the two of you to align on what works for your family and stick with it. Your ILs have learned that a no from your DH is not really a no. They might put up a fuss at first but if you hold tight to your plans, they will get over it and learn how to make plans that work for everyone vs their way being the only way.

Just be aware that people like this will blame you and try to drive a wedge between your husband and yourself if you do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve decided i refuse to answer any more questions from DW’s asking about how to handle IL’s. Ask your DH to figure this sh*t out and go worry about something important.

Yet here you are. Answering.

Actually I didn’t answer. Do you have reading comprehension issues?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here--thanks for the input, all. (And I do enjoy being called both nasty and a doormat, lol.)

DH definitely is the messenger on all of this, though we discuss together before he engages. I think the real issue is that we've run out of productive ideas and know it's really in my ILs hands of how they want to deal with our preferences/requests. I'm

That said, I really like the "12 days of Christmas" frame! I admit having my kids wake up at home on Christmas morning is important to us, but I wonder if we could simply offer to fly to see them on the 26th or whatever for a few days before NYE. Seems like a simple solution that I should have thought of by now. Thanks!

It's a good plan to *generally* move toward visiting them just after Christmas. One recommendation I have is to not lock yourselves into a "we will always do it this way" framework given the rigidity it sounds like your inlaws bring to these discussions. Kids get older, jobs and schedules change, and what works now might now work in a few years.

[Anonymous]

I'd have them come the 24th-26th. Plus have your parents and anyone else you wished included in those days as well. If you want to go see lights or whatever on those days, go do it. They can join in or not.

[Anonymous]

My brother's in laws are like this, they need to be with him, his wife and their kids on Christmas and Christmas Eve. Either suck it up and stop complaining and prepare to spend every Christmas with them or draw a line in the sand. You're not children anymore. They aren't going to like it but everyone will adjust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here--thanks for the input, all. (And I do enjoy being called both nasty and a doormat, lol.)

DH definitely is the messenger on all of this, though we discuss together before he engages. I think the real issue is that we've run out of productive ideas and know it's really in my ILs hands of how they want to deal with our preferences/requests. I'm

That said, I really like the "12 days of Christmas" frame! I admit having my kids wake up at home on Christmas morning is important to us, but I wonder if we could simply offer to fly to see them on the 26th or whatever for a few days before NYE. Seems like a simple solution that I should have thought of by now. Thanks!

It's a good plan to *generally* move toward visiting them just after Christmas. One recommendation I have is to not lock yourselves into a "we will always do it this way" framework given the rigidity it sounds like your inlaws bring to these discussions. Kids get older, jobs and schedules change, and what works now might now work in a few years.

This is a really good point, thank you. This has all been super helpful.

One thing I should likely make clear is that we have stood by our "nos" that I alluded to in my first post--it just doesn't seem to change behavior on their end after the temper tantrums that occur after the "no" is delivered. (We did, admittedly, screw up by not making the deal we should have after they booked tickets on their own.)

I was looking for alternative ideas for approaching, which I've definitely gotten here so thanks again! I also appreciate the folks who wonder why we'd tolerate such behavior more generally; the truth is that we just haven't hit the point of "cutting of ties" from our personal vantage point and hope to avoid that. We both know when it comes down to it, the ball is in their court but want to give as many options as possible to them that we could also live with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here--thanks for the input, all. (And I do enjoy being called both nasty and a doormat, lol.)

DH definitely is the messenger on all of this, though we discuss together before he engages. I think the real issue is that we've run out of productive ideas and know it's really in my ILs hands of how they want to deal with our preferences/requests. I'm

That said, I really like the "12 days of Christmas" frame! I admit having my kids wake up at home on Christmas morning is important to us, but I wonder if we could simply offer to fly to see them on the 26th or whatever for a few days before NYE. Seems like a simple solution that I should have thought of by now. Thanks!

You are definitely not nasty, OP. But your DH has definitely given way too much control to his parents. Time for the two of you to align on what works for your family and stick with it. Your ILs have learned that a no from your DH is not really a no. They might put up a fuss at first but if you hold tight to your plans, they will get over it and learn how to make plans that work for everyone vs their way being the only way.

Just be aware that people like this will blame you and try to drive a wedge between your husband and yourself if you do this.

DP. That is exactly why the DH, and not OP/DIL, should handle all communications with his parents about any holiday plans (or no holiday plans). Every time. And he should be sure to tell them clearly, repeatedly if necessary, "This is both me and DW saying this."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So normally my suggestion would be just no…but you’ve caved before when they escalate and they have booked tickets without telling you in the past. I’d suggest lying and telling them you are all going on a vacation instead, already booked no debate and just laugh if they ask you to send anything in writing. Be clear that if they show up on their own, no one will be home. You can even book a hotel room ..just make sure it has a no penalty cancellation.

You don’t have to craft an elaborate lie about the vacation. Just say one of you got sick or a work emergency came up and you cancelled last minute. Do this at the very last minute so they don’t hop on the next plane. Hopefully be clearly not being available they will make other plans, maybe visit one of their other kids or settle in to staying home.

Afterwards you and your husband can decide what you want to do. You can alternate or decide no hosting during Christmas. You’ve broken the cycle and it’s easier to then be firm on no.

OP seems already to have made some decisions but I'm a DP and addressing the post above, generally:

Just--no.

People should not lie like PP is advocating. It just has SO much potential for creating far worse problems if, maybe when, the in-laws discover there was no trip booked and everyone was at home or close to home.

Don't invent a trip, work emergency, illness, blah blah. Say the no, let them tantrum out of your hearing (because you're no longer on that phone call -- deliver the no and get out of the conversation).

PP, you seem to imply that because OP and DH set a precedent by caving to the in-laws previously, they now should reset expectations by breaking the visit pattern with a lie. Yes, it's time to break the pattern, but lying is a terrible way to do it.

They will have to keep perpetuating the lie and it won't be a one-and-done thing. They'll be grilled:
"Susie said she was sick! How is she? We could come take care of her and give you a break!"
"If your boss wants you to work over the holiday week, that is just awful and we're so concerned and have you thought of changing jobs!"
Worst of all: "We heard from Bob's cousin's nephew that he SAW you at the Christmas festival in your town but you said you'd be in [Wherever]!"

Just not worth it. Lies beget more lies, and liars get caught. Functioning adults should not lie just to keep peace with manipulative people.

No one should twist themselves into a pretzel to create an easy, soft letdown for people who demand things of them and pull stunts like booking tickets without consultation.

[Anonymous]

When our kids were younger we started the tradition of celebrating our own Christmas the Saturday before the 25th. We loved having the day all to ourselves and the kids loved having an extra Christmas. Since we had that day to exactly what we wanted, when we wanted we were much more relaxed about what we did with extended family on the actual day.