Christmas...and ONLY Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they are the ones traveling to you, I think it would be pretty cruel to ask them not to come, since my guess is you’d have no problem with your parents being there. Maybe book a hotel or airbnb close by, so you’re not on top of each other?

Oh jeez. Did you miss the rest of the post where the ILs are bad guests as well?

[Anonymous]

United front. Just say no. They will get upset. When they get upset, do not respond other than to say “clearly you are upset. Let’s talk about this later when you have calmed down. Love you, bye.” Hang up the phone. If they do it again, same thing. Every single time. You need to re-train them. Grey rock if they send nasty texts. Don’t engage. Just respond with “I’m sorry you feel that way. Love you.”

[Anonymous]

No one can "demand" something of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws demand to have Christmas with us every year, and I really do mean demand. One year when we proposed getting together at Thanksgiving as opposed to Christmas due to some unavoidable business travel that was going to make the end of December stressful on our end, his parents accused us of intentionally hurting them and requested we put in writing that they would be able to come up for every Christmas in the future. (We did not do that because we both thought it was absolutely insane.)

DH isn't an only child, but he is the only one with kids. My ILs do not see any of their other kids for other holidays.

I do try to give them some grace because we live near my parents and they've seemed jealous of that relationship on occasion. On the other hand, they are objectively tough guests to host. Don't pick up after themselves, don't want to leave the house to go sightseeing or whatever with us, and have even booked their tickets without checking dates with us in advance some years. They've also ignored our requests to check with us before buying presents for the kids, which has caused some headaches to boot.

We've thought that maybe if we could find times to see them outside the stress of Christmas, it would make for a more comfortable visit around Christmas. But when we've asked to get together over the summer or what-have-you for a weekend, they've either ignored us or otherwise only attempted to do so on exclusively their terms. For example, one time my MIL booked a cabin in Georgia without checking the dates (or location) with us and then was mad that we couldn't make the trip work. And when I once asked if they'd like to make Easter a standing holiday where we'd all travel to them, etc. they told us they typically have other commitments that weekend so it wouldn't work for their schedules.

Otherwise, DH has tried talking to his parents but the conversations have not been productive. It all feels a bit exhausting. My husband and I both dread Christmas as a result, which kind of sucks, but we also want to make sure our kids have the opportunity to have a relationship with both sets of grandparents. DH and I have tried to figure out how to make this situation less of a PIA but have run out of ideas.

Has anyone navigated something like this before?

I feel for you op but you and your dh have to decide what you want. Making boundaries are tough especially if you are people pleasers and want to do the "right" thing. But, if you just tell them your plans..ie we are staying home this year" every time they push back say " the decision is final" we can do x or y but we are staying home. Hang up if necessary if they keeping pushing.

[Anonymous]

Oh, what a challenging situation you're in! Based on what you've shared, I believe setting clear expectations and perhaps initiating a new tradition could be helpful.

New Christmas Tradition: How about you let your in-laws be in charge of Christmas? Since they're so keen on spending the holiday with you, maybe it's time you traveled to them instead. This might take off some of the pressures of hosting them at your home. Even though they have previously shown a reluctance to host on other occasions, maybe Christmas could be different!
Communication: Next time they book tickets without checking, show them your appreciation by planning a surprise trip for yourselves. A short getaway might just be what you and your DH need. Inform them about it when they arrive, ensuring them you've left instructions and suggestions for local activities they might enjoy while you're away. This might provide them with the hint to always check dates with you in advance.
Remember, holidays are about joy and love, but also about understanding and adjusting. By giving them the reigns and demonstrating how changes can be surprising, they might start valuing your input and comfort more. Best of luck navigating these waters!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you live near your parents. His parents ARE losing out. You need to suck it up. Have some Christmas spirit. Stop being so nasty.

We found the bitter grandma. How do you not understand the stress that new parents are under? How come we all can't agree to chill. I like that Christmas is a season.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you live near your parents. His parents ARE losing out. You need to suck it up. Have some Christmas spirit. Stop being so nasty.

NP. They DEMAND things, insist on putting commitments into writing (insane) and refuse repeatedly to see OP and family any other time. OP and her DH do offer other options at other times of year. There is no law, religious or otherwise, saying one is required to spend Christmas with a grandparent--or anyone else. OP and DH are not the "nasty" ones here, but his parents sure are, with their emotional blackmail about "hurt." Do not drag the proximity to OP's parents into this; that's a non-starter because OP already clearly said she/DH/kids are keenly aware of that fact and have spent Christmas after Christmas with his parents.

OP, in your shoes, I would (1) make DH the sole point of contact for them but only after you and he have a firm plan and are both 100 percent on board--he's also as upset about their demands as you are, right?
(2) Plan an at-home Christmas with your family, as in you, DH and kids. Period. No grandparents from either side on the day. But if you want to see your parents later over the holiday period, do it. The in-laws will get mad when they hear it. Let them. You have every right in the world to start saying Christmas Eve and Day from now on are for you as a nuclear family.
(3) When your DH calls to tell them this is your own nuclear family Christmas, he should also have a specific offer of a specific date for a visit at another time. If they say no, it doesn't work for them to come for New Year's or whatever -- "I'm sorry that won't work for you. Think about dates in spring that DO work and we can set something up after the holidays."

The fact you've offered to see them many different times of year yet they hone in on Christmas as the one and only time to visit -- that is terribly selfish and manipulative of them. Stand up to them this year and keep making other offers that work for YOUR own family and when the in-laws complain and say they're hurt blah blah blah, your DH can legitimately respond every single time, "I'm sorry you feel that way. We offered X dates for visits in the past Y months but none ever seem to work for you. Please remember -- we're offering dates and solutions but Christmas isn't on that list. What do YOU suggest for dates?"

[Anonymous]

I’ve decided i refuse to answer any more questions from DW’s asking about how to handle IL’s. Ask your DH to figure this sh*t out and go worry about something important.

[Anonymous]

I need to wean myself of DCUM. You are all so damned petty. I am so happy that none of my four adult daughters think or act like any of you. You’re all so damned spoiled, selfish and immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need to wean myself of DCUM. You are all so damned petty. I am so happy that none of my four adult daughters think or act like any of you. You’re all so damned spoiled, selfish and immature.

You’re hilarious! I love satire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need to wean myself of DCUM. You are all so damned petty. I am so happy that none of my four adult daughters think or act like any of you. You’re all so damned spoiled, selfish and immature.

You’re hilarious! I love satire.

Seriously, though, why do so many of you have so much trouble getting along with your families? It’s really sad.

[Anonymous]

Troll post number 5 today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want your kids to have a relationship with people who mistreat you and are emotionally abusive?

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you live near your parents. His parents ARE losing out. You need to suck it up. Have some Christmas spirit. Stop being so nasty.

Did you read OP's post? They are willing to see his parents. With the exception of Christmas his parents aren't interested. His parents need to stop being nasty control freaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve decided i refuse to answer any more questions from DW’s asking about how to handle IL’s. Ask your DH to figure this sh*t out and go worry about something important.

Yet here you are. Answering.