Christmas...and ONLY Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need to wean myself of DCUM. You are all so damned petty. I am so happy that none of my four adult daughters think or act like any of you. You’re all so damned spoiled, selfish and immature.

You do need to wean yourself off. You have nothing to contribute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need to wean myself of DCUM. You are all so damned petty. I am so happy that none of my four adult daughters think or act like any of you. You’re all so damned spoiled, selfish and immature.

You’re hilarious! I love satire.

Seriously, though, why do so many of you have so much trouble getting along with your families? It’s really sad.

It's very sad when family doesn't treat you right and other people wonder why you can't get along with them.

[Anonymous]

Eww why do you want your kids involved in these kind of weird emotional manipulation relationships?

Keep your kids away from them. They will just do the same things to them as they do to you.

What will you say when your kids comes home and tell you they demanded your kid sign a paper that says they will invite them to all their birthday parties or school concerts, etc? Just say oh you know how grandma is just do it and keep her happy ….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:United front. Just say no. They will get upset. When they get upset, do not respond other than to say “clearly you are upset. Let’s talk about this later when you have calmed down. Love you, bye.” Hang up the phone. If they do it again, same thing. Every single time. You need to re-train them. Grey rock if they send nasty texts. Don’t engage. Just respond with “I’m sorry you feel that way. Love you.”

All this BUT the DH does it, not OP.

The adult child should be the one to handle his or her own parents.

If the OP is the deliverer of the messages above (and of the firm "No" that's needed), the in-laws very possibly will just shrug it off as her being the "mean" DIL who is surely keeping their loving son under her thumb, etc.

That's why each person in a couple should be the one who handles communications with his or her own parents when things are problematic: So the in-laws can't default to "Our daughter-in-law/our son-in-law is the enemy and our poor (adult) child is being kept from seeing us" or "Our DIL/SIL is saying no but we'll go around them and ask [really, pressure] our own child to say yes!" And so on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Troll post number 5 today.

I wish DCUM would have a default setting where a post that just says "Troll" like this, with zero supporting statements, is bounced as soon as the poster hits "Submit."

These contribute nothing unless the person takes time to point out what in any OP's post seems fake. There seems to be an increase lately, too, in posts on many more threads just simply shouting "Troll" with no reasoning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We adhere to the tradition of the 12 days of Christmas. Short visit to include Christmas Day for ILs. Later we have our own Christmas. It’s allowed me to reset my mentality that it’s a season not a day. I think it helps that we are Catholic, and incorporate elements of the liturgical season. I’m praying someone else in the family has kids, so ILs can obsess over tbem.

Can you go to them for Christmas? I ask because that allows you to control the length of time of the visit.

Ha! This is what we did once we had kids too!

It started when my toddler was getting stressed over opening presents because she wanted to play with the first one she got. Then it became a way for each person to choose their own special Christmas activity for the family (parents and grandparents too!)

Now I truly love it. It takes the pressure off doing everything in one day. The kids get really into planning what we do on the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. day. We have kings cake on January 6th and take down our Christmas tree and decorations.

Another 12 days celebrator here! I grew up with it because my parents also thought it made for a less stressful Christmas. It’s great especially with really little kids — no meltdowns and slow relaxed season with just 1-2 presents every day.

[Anonymous]

OP,

It sounds like there's a LOT of mental rigidity come from at least one of your husband's parents. Having autistic traits in my family and my husband's family, I wouldn't be surprised that one of your in-laws is high-functioning autistic. Which would also explain the rigidity and irrationality you see elsewhere: wanting to draw up a contract for Christmas visits, not wanting to sight-see, booking tickets or buying gifts without consulting you because they can't put themselves in other people's shoes, etc.

You have to be very blunt and direct with such people, because they get confused with diplomatic phrasing and won't know exactly what you mean. They don't understand other people's stress, since they don't understand their own emotions very well, so it may not be productive to talk about how stressed you are. You need to keep things at a very concrete, pragmatic level. Your husband can just say: "We cannot host you for Christmas this year. It's too much work. We'll see you at some other time."

His parents will have a tantrum. And that's OK.

[Anonymous]

OP here--thanks for the input, all. (And I do enjoy being called both nasty and a doormat, lol.)

DH definitely is the messenger on all of this, though we discuss together before he engages. I think the real issue is that we've run out of productive ideas and know it's really in my ILs hands of how they want to deal with our preferences/requests. I'm

That said, I really like the "12 days of Christmas" frame! I admit having my kids wake up at home on Christmas morning is important to us, but I wonder if we could simply offer to fly to see them on the 26th or whatever for a few days before NYE. Seems like a simple solution that I should have thought of by now. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

There are obviously some boundary issues with you in-laws, but welcome to blending families. I don’t believe in cutting people out unless they’re abusive. They’re gripping the bat too tight, but that’s just annoying.

As others have mentioned, why don’t you go to them for Xmas? Then you can control the length of the visit.

I’m spitballing, but I’m wondering if your local parents have the same expectation of spending Xmas with you but it doesn’t have to be navigated the same way because they’re local.

Juggling families is hard. Just try to be fair and honest with yourself about your intentions. I’m saying this as someone who has had my own in-law issues and ultimately decided part of the problem was me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Seriously, though, why do so many of you have so much trouble getting along with your families? It’s really sad.

I think a lot of MILs are used to their sons letting them control everything and do whatever they please. When the son gets married and has a wife who wants to have some input, it doesn’t go over well. At least that’s what I think is the problem in our family. I know my MIL has severe anxiety and depression, which is likely why she is so controlling. It must help with her anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you live near your parents. His parents ARE losing out. You need to suck it up. Have some Christmas spirit. Stop being so nasty.

Look OP, your in-laws are here!

[Anonymous]

It's their only holiday ask and their only set of grandchildren. What's wrong with you, OP?

[Anonymous]

It sure sounds like you’re both in a big fat power struggle.

[Anonymous]

I see a lot of evidence you’re both controlling. The Georgia cabin story on their side, but requiring preapproval for kids’ gifts on your side. Something to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you live near your parents. His parents ARE losing out. You need to suck it up. Have some Christmas spirit. Stop being so nasty.

WTF. ILs don’t get to DEMAND anything!!