Christmas...and ONLY Christmas
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Anonymous
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My in-laws demand to have Christmas with us every year, and I really do mean demand. One year when we proposed getting together at Thanksgiving as opposed to Christmas due to some unavoidable business travel that was going to make the end of December stressful on our end, his parents accused us of intentionally hurting them and requested we put in writing that they would be able to come up for every Christmas in the future. (We did not do that because we both thought it was absolutely insane.)
DH isn't an only child, but he is the only one with kids. My ILs do not see any of their other kids for other holidays. I do try to give them some grace because we live near my parents and they've seemed jealous of that relationship on occasion. On the other hand, they are objectively tough guests to host. Don't pick up after themselves, don't want to leave the house to go sightseeing or whatever with us, and have even booked their tickets without checking dates with us in advance some years. They've also ignored our requests to check with us before buying presents for the kids, which has caused some headaches to boot. We've thought that maybe if we could find times to see them outside the stress of Christmas, it would make for a more comfortable visit around Christmas. But when we've asked to get together over the summer or what-have-you for a weekend, they've either ignored us or otherwise only attempted to do so on exclusively their terms. For example, one time my MIL booked a cabin in Georgia without checking the dates (or location) with us and then was mad that we couldn't make the trip work. And when I once asked if they'd like to make Easter a standing holiday where we'd all travel to them, etc. they told us they typically have other commitments that weekend so it wouldn't work for their schedules. Otherwise, DH has tried talking to his parents but the conversations have not been productive. It all feels a bit exhausting. My husband and I both dread Christmas as a result, which kind of sucks, but we also want to make sure our kids have the opportunity to have a relationship with both sets of grandparents. DH and I have tried to figure out how to make this situation less of a PIA but have run out of ideas. Has anyone navigated something like this before? |
Anonymous
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We adhere to the tradition of the 12 days of Christmas. Short visit to include Christmas Day for ILs. Later we have our own Christmas. It’s allowed me to reset my mentality that it’s a season not a day. I think it helps that we are Catholic, and incorporate elements of the liturgical season. I’m praying someone else in the family has kids, so ILs can obsess over tbem.
Can you go to them for Christmas? I ask because that allows you to control the length of time of the visit. |
Anonymous
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You and your DH decide what you are ok with. Then you need to work very hard to stop caring that they are upset. It's not easy, especially if you've been a doormat in the past (which you have!). It's mainly your DH that need to buck up here.
He just needs to tell them you aren't doing Christmas with them this year. End of story. Don't give reasons, don't list other options, just say it's not going to work. If they ask why you empathize that it's hard to hear but that it's not possible this year. Let them throw a temper tantrum. |
Anonymous
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OP, I demand—and I mean demand—that you transfer $10K to my Venmo immediately.
What is your deal? YOU are the problem. If either set of parents acted like this, we’d tell them we would absolutely not be wasting our Christmas with them and to give us a call in the New Year IF they are ready to act like adults and treat us like adults. |
Anonymous
| Why would you want your kids to have a relationship with people who mistreat you and are emotionally abusive? |
Anonymous
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I think you should follow their lead.
Remember how they turned you down for Easter saying they had other plans? Do that. Until you grow a backbone, you’re going to hate Christmas every single year. Only you can decide if being a doormat is more important than enjoying Christmas. It’s an odd priority but you do you. |
Anonymous
| They wont stop until you stop allowing them to do this. |
Anonymous
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You and DH need to be united and stop giving in to them.
Stop letting them bully you both. If they’re upset, oh well. |
Anonymous
Ha! This is what we did once we had kids too! It started when my toddler was getting stressed over opening presents because she wanted to play with the first one she got. Then it became a way for each person to choose their own special Christmas activity for the family (parents and grandparents too!) Now I truly love it. It takes the pressure off doing everything in one day. The kids get really into planning what we do on the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. day. We have kings cake on January 6th and take down our Christmas tree and decorations. |
Anonymous
| OP, you live near your parents. His parents ARE losing out. You need to suck it up. Have some Christmas spirit. Stop being so nasty. |
Anonymous
| It’s one day and you can’t be nice? |
Anonymous
It’s one day. Why can’t the older generation be nice? |
Anonymous
Right? I wouldn't put up with that crap. And I wouldn't encourage my kids to have a relationship with people who treat others that way. |
Anonymous
| If they are the ones traveling to you, I think it would be pretty cruel to ask them not to come, since my guess is you’d have no problem with your parents being there. Maybe book a hotel or airbnb close by, so you’re not on top of each other? |
Anonymous
Hahaha! Seriously. Do not even consider accommodating this ridiculous behavior. You are the grownups now. |