Christmas...and ONLY Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here--thanks for the input, all. (And I do enjoy being called both nasty and a doormat, lol.)

DH definitely is the messenger on all of this, though we discuss together before he engages. I think the real issue is that we've run out of productive ideas and know it's really in my ILs hands of how they want to deal with our preferences/requests. I'm

That said, I really like the "12 days of Christmas" frame! I admit having my kids wake up at home on Christmas morning is important to us, but I wonder if we could simply offer to fly to see them on the 26th or whatever for a few days before NYE. Seems like a simple solution that I should have thought of by now. Thanks!

It's a good plan to *generally* move toward visiting them just after Christmas. One recommendation I have is to not lock yourselves into a "we will always do it this way" framework given the rigidity it sounds like your inlaws bring to these discussions. Kids get older, jobs and schedules change, and what works now might now work in a few years.

This is a really good point, thank you. This has all been super helpful.

One thing I should likely make clear is that we have stood by our "nos" that I alluded to in my first post--it just doesn't seem to change behavior on their end after the temper tantrums that occur after the "no" is delivered. (We did, admittedly, screw up by not making the deal we should have after they booked tickets on their own.)

I was looking for alternative ideas for approaching, which I've definitely gotten here so thanks again! I also appreciate the folks who wonder why we'd tolerate such behavior more generally; the truth is that we just haven't hit the point of "cutting of ties" from our personal vantage point and hope to avoid that. We both know when it comes down to it, the ball is in their court but want to give as many options as possible to them that we could also live with.

There is a LOT of space between boundaries/ not being bullied by your ILs and cutting ties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws demand to have Christmas with us every year, and I really do mean demand. One year when we proposed getting together at Thanksgiving as opposed to Christmas due to some unavoidable business travel that was going to make the end of December stressful on our end, his parents accused us of intentionally hurting them and requested we put in writing that they would be able to come up for every Christmas in the future. (We did not do that because we both thought it was absolutely insane.)

DH isn't an only child, but he is the only one with kids. My ILs do not see any of their other kids for other holidays.

I do try to give them some grace because we live near my parents and they've seemed jealous of that relationship on occasion. On the other hand, they are objectively tough guests to host. Don't pick up after themselves, don't want to leave the house to go sightseeing or whatever with us, and have even booked their tickets without checking dates with us in advance some years. They've also ignored our requests to check with us before buying presents for the kids, which has caused some headaches to boot.

We've thought that maybe if we could find times to see them outside the stress of Christmas, it would make for a more comfortable visit around Christmas. But when we've asked to get together over the summer or what-have-you for a weekend, they've either ignored us or otherwise only attempted to do so on exclusively their terms. For example, one time my MIL booked a cabin in Georgia without checking the dates (or location) with us and then was mad that we couldn't make the trip work. And when I once asked if they'd like to make Easter a standing holiday where we'd all travel to them, etc. they told us they typically have other commitments that weekend so it wouldn't work for their schedules.

Otherwise, DH has tried talking to his parents but the conversations have not been productive. It all feels a bit exhausting. My husband and I both dread Christmas as a result, which kind of sucks, but we also want to make sure our kids have the opportunity to have a relationship with both sets of grandparents. DH and I have tried to figure out how to make this situation less of a PIA but have run out of ideas.

Has anyone navigated something like this before?

You have a voice and you need to learn how to use it by saying. "N"! Tell her that it's not working this year. Covid was a great excuse for stopping this ridiculous behavior. Adults should never allow other adults to tell them what to do in their own home.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you. My MIL declared long ago that 4th July is her holiday. She did this with good/noble intentions of not wanting anyone to feel obligated or guilty if they couldn't make Thanksgiving or Christmas. She hosts for meals, etc. and my BIL also throws a party and has the kids over to swim. And there's a beach nearby. Think NC/Outer Banks/Jersey Shore/Hamptons. Sounds awesome, and it has been fun.

In practice that means that we have never celebrated 4th July in our own town or attended our own block party. It's also a 6-7 hour drive each way (and believe me we've tried planes and trains over the last 20+ years). Now my IL's have downsized and we are the odd family out as far as staying with family - so we're also paying for accommodations that run about $1k if we want to do 3 nights.

The year we tried to do something else and come later in July because of logistics and cost started a huge argument. My spouse was furious and vowed we'd never go there again, etc., etc. We didn't see them for 2 years. I finally put my foot down because after 20 years this is my family too. And my kids' grandparents (who are old) and cousins. So we sucked it up.

TLR - you can dig in your heels and are 100% in the right if you want to do so. And you probably should try to find a middle ground as Christmas isn't 4th July. But at the end of the day your IL's are part of your family and they are your kid's grandparents. And I don't think it's a terrible thing to model some level of deference to elderly relatives.

I'm sure DCUM will jump all over me for this, but I don't think these situations are always cut and dried. There's value in preserving the relationship with ILs and grandparents on some level. Not so everyone is miserable, but perhaps there's a middle ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s one day and you can’t be nice?

It’s one day. Why can’t the older generation be nice?

Must be Crazy Mil Lady. They are never nice. Things must always be their way or we are evil dils taking their dear little boys away.

Op dh and I encountered similar behavior from relatives when we first got married. We had both mils making plans without talking to us. One of my brothers left a message saying he was bringing his family to stay at our house most of December. He didn't ask, he told us. It was very hard to speak up. My brothers viewed my home as a hotel that they could drop in any time. When I told the brother who wanted to come all Dec no, it caused a blow up. My mother always sides with my brothers and didn't speak to me for months. I'm glad I stood up to them. The brother got over being mad and we had some pleasant visits after. I'm so glad not to be dealing with the stress of waiting for one of the calls again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need to wean myself of DCUM. You are all so damned petty. I am so happy that none of my four adult daughters think or act like any of you. You’re all so damned spoiled, selfish and immature.

Crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a lot of evidence you’re both controlling. The Georgia cabin story on their side, but requiring preapproval for kids’ gifts on your side. Something to think about.

Really? I'd always ask for parents' OK to buy any significant gift for their kid.

Sure, but has someone required you to do so?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one can "demand" something of you.

Of course they can. But it's up to you if you meet that demand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's their only holiday ask and their only set of grandchildren. What's wrong with you, OP?

What's wrong with you that you don't see how rude they are. They aren't really interested in op and her family if they aren't flexible. You think it's normal that people demand a signed contract guaranteeing them a visit to someone else's home all on their terms?

Crazy Mil Lady please get a hobby and do as you promised above. Go find another website to haunt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see a lot of evidence you’re both controlling. The Georgia cabin story on their side, but requiring preapproval for kids’ gifts on your side. Something to think about.

Some gifts do require a discussion Crazy Mil Lady. That isn't being controlling. I know I tried to save my ils money but they are weird like you.

Please tell us about yourself. How many grandchildren do you have CML?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here--thanks for the input, all. (And I do enjoy being called both nasty and a doormat, lol.)

DH definitely is the messenger on all of this, though we discuss together before he engages. I think the real issue is that we've run out of productive ideas and know it's really in my ILs hands of how they want to deal with our preferences/requests. I'm

That said, I really like the "12 days of Christmas" frame! I admit having my kids wake up at home on Christmas morning is important to us, but I wonder if we could simply offer to fly to see them on the 26th or whatever for a few days before NYE. Seems like a simple solution that I should have thought of by now. Thanks!

It's a good plan to *generally* move toward visiting them just after Christmas. One recommendation I have is to not lock yourselves into a "we will always do it this way" framework given the rigidity it sounds like your inlaws bring to these discussions. Kids get older, jobs and schedules change, and what works now might now work in a few years.

This is a really good point, thank you. This has all been super helpful.

One thing I should likely make clear is that we have stood by our "nos" that I alluded to in my first post--it just doesn't seem to change behavior on their end after the temper tantrums that occur after the "no" is delivered. (We did, admittedly, screw up by not making the deal we should have after they booked tickets on their own.)

I was looking for alternative ideas for approaching, which I've definitely gotten here so thanks again! I also appreciate the folks who wonder why we'd tolerate such behavior more generally; the truth is that we just haven't hit the point of "cutting of ties" from our personal vantage point and hope to avoid that. We both know when it comes down to it, the ball is in their court but want to give as many options as possible to them that we could also live with.

There is a LOT of space between boundaries/ not being bullied by your ILs and cutting ties.

Not OP, but on my family, if you don't give in, you are essentially cutting ties. Not all families respect boundaries.

[Anonymous]

If I were you OP, I would "reserve" Christmas for the grandparents and maybe a couple.lf gifts from Santa, if you do that, and pick another day as "Family Christmas" to give gifts from everyone else. Or even divide gift giving / celebrating up over several days during the holiday season.

That way the inflexible grandparents get to "win" this one thing they desperately want, while you, dh, and family celebrate Christmas at other times. Eventually the grandparents won't be able to travel, the kids will be older and not as cute, and that will be that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were you OP, I would "reserve" Christmas for the grandparents and maybe a couple.lf gifts from Santa, if you do that, and pick another day as "Family Christmas" to give gifts from everyone else. Or even divide gift giving / celebrating up over several days during the holiday season.

That way the inflexible grandparents get to "win" this one thing they desperately want, while you, dh, and family celebrate Christmas at other times. Eventually the grandparents won't be able to travel, the kids will be older and not as cute, and that will be that.

Except then you have no nice memories of Christmas! Your family memories are all about capitulating to , enduring and waiting on two old jerks. Honestly, if they will never visit with you outside of Christmas then you all don’t really have a relationship anyway. Your kids aren’t nor will they ever be close these jerks with them swooping in only at Christmas.

We never started the “Boomer OWNS this holiday” nonsense. Some years we flew across the country and other years we stayed home. My kids are older now and their best memories were the ones when just stayed home as a small family. It was far more pleasant, we did fun Christmas together, they could play with their toys in peace and it was really nice.