Reply to DD unintentionally gave 1st grandchild same first name as DH’s AP

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have three kids: DD (25), DS (22) and DS (18).

Three years ago I discovered DH was cheating on me. [b]He was committed to saving our relationship after the affair came out and I made the decision not to tell the children.[/b] They have no idea DH had an affair nor do they know the AP’s name.

DD is expecting what will be our first grandchild and I have been feeling hopeful and happy for the first time in a long time. But today she told us the first name she’d chosen and it’s the same as the AP. I understand this is a coincidence, it’s a somewhat common name. But I’m devastated.

Hearing that name regularly brings up all the anger and rage of DH’s affair. I can’t ask my daughter to change the name? I can’t drop the bomb of WHY I hate this name either. I just have to live with it and fester.

All the joy I had about being a grandmother is gone. [/quote]

Your DH has to own up to the affair to adult daughter, and explain that the baby name is the name of affair partner. He must say that it bothers him to have the name and would she consider changing it or he and you will use an agreed upon nickname.

If you have other kids, then not only DD will have to be told about affair, but all other sibs as well.

If DH is/was committed to saving the marriage the only way to do that is to commit to being responsible for the consequences of your actions.  I’m sure neither of you thought of this consequence, but, here it is, and all these years later, your DH still has to take responsibility.  It is best if he tells DD with you present, so that DD knows both of you know and agree with what you are asking.  Also, then DD can ask questions and the three of you, if DD is really attached to the name, can come up with a mutually agreeable nickname.   Also, don’t expect a one and done convo - your DD has a right to time to process.

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