Reply to How do you drop the rope when you have SN kids?

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[quote=Anonymous]I’m the OP of this thread and I really appreciate everyone who has shared their experience. I am chewing over the feedback and considering trying to get more help with cleaning and maybe laundry. I’m very tired and having trouble exerting the energy to make it happen but I know it’s an investment. Thanks to those who pushed in that direction.

We had an argument about this not long after my OP. I think the most painful part of so much of the specific struggles we have feel to me like my husband is not accepting of our DCs actual experience and thinks things I do to help are unnecessary and I’m controlling. There are probably things I do that are unnecessary. But at different points in time one child was going through school refusal and the other was in the process of being counseled out of school for behavior. I feel like anything that sets them up for success at school is worth doing. Like lunch - I pack lunch because my SN kid is picky and if you pack lunch that’s not acceptable they won’t eat and there will be a meltdown in the afternoon. My husband would  pack lunches fine 90 percent of the time but then he’d decide something was actually close enough and well it wasn’t. I’m not willing to let that happen even once or twice a year so now I pack lunches. They get eaten and it’s fine. I don’t complain about it. But every time my husband wants to make a point that I’m controlling, he brings up that I don’t let him pack lunches. This is apparently keeps him from doing laundry, cleaning up the kitchen or doing any other household tasks that I never ever ever would have any interest in critiquing him on. The other sticking point is clothing. DC has a lot of sensory issues and clothing is tricky. I buy all clothing, do all laundry and in theory maintain the dressers by taking out clothing that doesn’t fit anymore. Well occasionally i don’t realize something doesn’t fit well anymore and I can see DC pulling on on a shirt that now rubs or I remember that this is a shirt DC loved the IDEA of and is very attached to because of the way it looks but couldn’t actually stand wearing for long. In that case I will change DC into a different outfit if it’s a long out of the house day (school or camp). If we are going to be home I let it play out and they will ask for a different shirt in an hour or so on their own.My husband finds this insanely frustrating and feels both that DC should be fine in all these clothes and 2) that there should never be a shirt in the drawer that they can’t wear all day long. To some extent I understand how this is frustrating but I also just can’t bring myself to let my kid go to school uncomfortable because their dad feels emasculated by me changing their clothes. I never ever change based on how anything looks, and I think I’ve done this literally once with our NT kid when their pants had gotten stretched out and were literally falling off. It’s just the sensory piece that’s so hard for one kid.

I try to get the kids dressed myself to avoid this but apparently that is also controlling. Not that I have ever said don’t get them dressed just that I try to have a plan for the SN one. He feels I don’t trust him and I guess I don’t. So maybe we are just screwed.

I feel like I really try to bite my tongue. He never smooths down their hair or brushes it so sometimes they go out the door looking totally unkempt. I don’t say anything. If one of them starts to care I will help them more I guess.

I guess I don’t get it. He has things he handles because he doesn’t like how I do it, especially car stuff. I don’t care. Less work for me. I will own up that these are things that clearly matter to me more. I don’t know why it’s offensive. I’m just sad and tired today and wondering if anyone can relate.[/quote]

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