Trying to get over husband’s affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

He was actually seeing a therapist to figure out how to tell you that he didn’t want to be with you, or about the affair?

Either way, this is all awful. How do you know about these things he said?

He told her (the OW) that he was seeing therapist to figure out how to tell me he was leaving. OW is a never married, no kids 36 year old woman. My husband is 55. She definitely was being told things so she would get over her reservations about being with a married man. I have talked to his therapist (he allowed) and she confirms he was in therapy to deal with what he was doing and why but not to figure out how to leave me

On the comments, most were screen shots she so kindly shared with me (the other woman) 😠

Women really have no problem wrecking a marriage. Why they all keep falling for married men making them fairytale promises? Women will even encourage other married men to leave their spouses and be with them instead incredible!

OP's husband is the one who had no problem wrecking his own marriage. His vows were his to protect, and he trashed them.

A 36-year old woman who wants kids and a husband of her own is a complete idiot looking for married men to play that role. They are wasting really critical years of their child-bearing/marketability. Very sad.

They likely have childhood attachment issues. This is why they seek out married men when anyone with half a brain would be trying to find an available guy to date with those goals in mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

He was actually seeing a therapist to figure out how to tell you that he didn’t want to be with you, or about the affair?

Either way, this is all awful. How do you know about these things he said?

He told her (the OW) that he was seeing therapist to figure out how to tell me he was leaving. OW is a never married, no kids 36 year old woman. My husband is 55. She definitely was being told things so she would get over her reservations about being with a married man. I have talked to his therapist (he allowed) and she confirms he was in therapy to deal with what he was doing and why but not to figure out how to leave me

On the comments, most were screen shots she so kindly shared with me (the other woman) 😠

Women really have no problem wrecking a marriage. Why they all keep falling for married men making them fairytale promises? Women will even encourage other married men to leave their spouses and be with them instead incredible!

OP's husband is the one who had no problem wrecking his own marriage. His vows were his to protect, and he trashed them.

A 36-year old woman who wants kids and a husband of her own is a complete idiot looking for married men to play that role. They are wasting really critical years of their child-bearing/marketability. Very sad.

Right? Wtf is that about? If I was 36 and felt my clock ticking, I'm not sure I'd try to stake a claim on the 55 year old married man as my potential husband and father of children. That seems like a toilet bowl strategy.

[Anonymous]

OP, he wasn't sorry about any of this until he was caught. That's really all you need to know. He'd still be doing this if you had not caught him. This IS who he is.

BTDT after a 17 year marriage. I too was desperate to save it because of our kids, but looking back divorcing him was the best decision of my life. You deserve better. Your marriage will never be the same, and you will never fully trust him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

Did he says these things to you? Or to the OW

Gurl, if he said these to the OW they are in no way shape or form based in his actual thinking. It’s a fantasy person he created to convince the OW to bang him.

Yes I believe that’s true that they were said to 1) convince her he wasn’t happy in marriage; 2) that I was unattractive (I’m not); 3) to convince himself that he was justified in his actions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

Did he says these things to you? Or to the OW

Gurl, if he said these to the OW they are in no way shape or form based in his actual thinking. It’s a fantasy person he created to convince the OW to bang him.

Yes I believe that’s true that they were said to 1) convince her he wasn’t happy in marriage; 2) that I was unattractive (I’m not); 3) to convince himself that he was justified in his actions

She shared screen shots of texts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

You said the OW shared this list with you--your DH didnt. Does he now know you have seen these communications he had with OW? Does he know you have this list of supposed issues he fed to her? I would hope this has all cone out very clearly in therapy--?? If not, why not? If so, what did he respond?

Yes, I shared with him as soon as she shared with me. This was in the first few days after discovery. He knows how much I struggle with these messages/words. He believes all were lies to get her to stay with him and he is extremely remorseful and honestly has a hard time witnessing the pain they have caused me and the intrusive several times a day thoughts and self esteem issues and anger I have related to these words, he is in agony too (as he should be) to have hurt me this deeply and that he was capable of this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

Did he says these things to you? Or to the OW

Gurl, if he said these to the OW they are in no way shape or form based in his actual thinking. It’s a fantasy person he created to convince the OW to bang him.

Yes I believe that’s true that they were said to 1) convince her he wasn’t happy in marriage; 2) that I was unattractive (I’m not); 3) to convince himself that he was justified in his actions

She shared screen shots of texts

OP - even if DH is unhappy, finds you unattractive and wanted to do what he did - it doesn't mean that those things are true of YOU or that anything is wrong with YOU. Listen - Beyonce got cheated on. Relationships end. Your DH may want out of the marriage, and it is a common mentality that this desire must be justified by there something wrong with the other person. xoxo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

He was actually seeing a therapist to figure out how to tell you that he didn’t want to be with you, or about the affair?

Either way, this is all awful. How do you know about these things he said?

He told her (the OW) that he was seeing therapist to figure out how to tell me he was leaving. OW is a never married, no kids 36 year old woman. My husband is 55. She definitely was being told things so she would get over her reservations about being with a married man. I have talked to his therapist (he allowed) and she confirms he was in therapy to deal with what he was doing and why but not to figure out how to leave me

On the comments, most were screen shots she so kindly shared with me (the other woman) 😠

Women really have no problem wrecking a marriage. Why they all keep falling for married men making them fairytale promises? Women will even encourage other married men to leave their spouses and be with them instead incredible!

OP's husband is the one who had no problem wrecking his own marriage. His vows were his to protect, and he trashed them.

A 36-year old woman who wants kids and a husband of her own is a complete idiot looking for married men to play that role. They are wasting really critical years of their child-bearing/marketability. Very sad.

Right? Wtf is that about? If I was 36 and felt my clock ticking, I'm not sure I'd try to stake a claim on the 55 year old married man as my potential husband and father of children. That seems like a toilet bowl strategy.

OP here. Yes, I think she has mental health and self esteem issues (to state the obvious) however, my husband is very good looking and extremely successful, so I can understand her own fantasy of it working out

[Anonymous]

OP, no reason you should you "get over it"? Divorce him. Get 50% to start your own, honest, authentic life. If ... over time he proves worthy of your affection/trust/companionship, you can share some of your life with him. Your choice. Your power. Heck, you could always remarry. But this would be after years of him proving himself.

Drop the therapy. That is not an empowering path for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

Did he says these things to you? Or to the OW

Gurl, if he said these to the OW they are in no way shape or form based in his actual thinking. It’s a fantasy person he created to convince the OW to bang him.

Yes I believe that’s true that they were said to 1) convince her he wasn’t happy in marriage; 2) that I was unattractive (I’m not); 3) to convince himself that he was justified in his actions

She shared screen shots of texts

OP - even if DH is unhappy, finds you unattractive and wanted to do what he did - it doesn't mean that those things are true of YOU or that anything is wrong with YOU. Listen - Beyonce got cheated on. Relationships end. Your DH may want out of the marriage, and it is a common mentality that this desire must be justified by there something wrong with the other person. xoxo

OP here. Agree. He absolutely doesn’t now and actually didn’t want out then either though he did want some things in our marriage to change, which we are working on as I agree there were areas for improvement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

LEAVE HIM

[Anonymous]

OP, I know I couldn't get over those things that he said to the OW if my spouse had done the same, so no shame in your game if you can't move past it. Those intrusive thoughts are real and will be pervasive for a long time. You don't deserve to live that everyday, wondering if it will get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, he wasn't sorry about any of this until he was caught. That's really all you need to know. He'd still be doing this if you had not caught him. This IS who he is.

BTDT after a 17 year marriage. I too was desperate to save it because of our kids, but looking back divorcing him was the best decision of my life. You deserve better. Your marriage will never be the same, and you will never fully trust him.

It’s a fair point. According to his therapist he was sorry he was doing this and was trying to understand why during the affair. But a huge concern when I ask him “how did you think this would play out, you knew aid eventually figure it out, didn’t you?” His response is - I wasn’t thinking, I thought I’d end it before . This response bothers me as it would mean whatever May have lead to the affair would likely still have been there leading to future affairs… the OW did tell me she asked him if he’d done this before at all and he told her no. I tend to believe that but who knows, as you point out it’s hard to know what to believe anymore. I have known him 27 years, however abd this does seem out of character

[Anonymous]

OP, my DH had an emotional affair. It was devastating, and it wasn’t nearly as awful as what your DH did. We are still together, and it took more than a year for me to recover from the affair. 6 weeks is nothing! Why would you expect to be feeling better yet?

I highly recommend survivinginfidelity.com if your goal is reconciliation. You will get good btdt advice there.

Take good care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know I couldn't get over those things that he said to the OW if my spouse had done the same, so no shame in your game if you can't move past it. Those intrusive thoughts are real and will be pervasive for a long time. You don't deserve to live that everyday, wondering if it will get better.

I understand. It’s the hardest part for sure. If I put it into the bucket of all the lies during this time period it’s a bit easier to handle, but yes, I’ll never really know - was there a kernel of truth or full truth to all that was said? I will say he is critical of me and the kids and that has been an ongoing hurtful aspect of our relationship. Of course I’m enjoying, if honest, all the notes and words now about the things he loves and appreciates in me. Logically, I know those are just words and his actions need to back it all up and that that will take time to know.