Trying to get over husband’s affair

[Anonymous]

How did the kids find out? How are they doing?

[Anonymous]

PP, found the info re: the kids & finding out, but how are they question stands. So sorry you are all going through this, OP. My ex had an affair and left, so I'm divorced. It has not been great for the kids but neither was the anger, criticism, gaslighting 100% of the time. I do my best with the 50. I do think it is easier for me, my ex was a very smooth liar (a litigator) and it was a relief to not have that in my home. Best to you, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, found the info re: the kids & finding out, but how are they question stands. So sorry you are all going through this, OP. My ex had an affair and left, so I'm divorced. It has not been great for the kids but neither was the anger, criticism, gaslighting 100% of the time. I do my best with the 50. I do think it is easier for me, my ex was a very smooth liar (a litigator) and it was a relief to not have that in my home. Best to you, OP!

Mine left me for his affair partner too. He’s a gaslighter and a liar and a coward. These are facts. Emotions are still clouding how I feel about him - I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone, including myself. But I’m hoping in time that what I know to be true starts to inform my emotions and I no longer feel so devastated about our marriage ending. I’m focusing on what is important to me so that I feel good about myself and I don’t feel like my husband leaving me is due to some shortcoming of mine. The truth is he’s the one with shortcomings and I have no doubt at all that he’ll leave his affair partner in about ten years. It’s his pattern. And then he’ll be in his mid 60s, totally dependent on viagra, bald and groaning every time he has to lean over and tie his shoes. And I’ll be better in ten years than I am now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I completely understand the feeling of needing or wanting to sleep with him again.
Contrary to what other people think, you're not rewarding him for the affair -- you just want to feel closer to him (especially if you have no plans on leaving him).

It's natural to wonder if he still desires you after an affair... its natural to WANT him to desire you again after an affair.
It's natural to try to make him fall in love with you all over again after an affair.
It's natural to sleep with him because you're worried if you don't, he'll go back to her after an affair.

You sound pretty rational and level-headed, so I'm going to be honest with you... doing all of that is great if it satisfies you... but don't sleep with him because you want a certain end result to happen, also with him because you desire him, not because you're afraid he'll cheat again.

You know the signs if this were to happen again, so my one piece of advice is... don't take their word that it's over, just because they both say that it was.
He lied to you the entire length of the affair, he could be still lying to you.

When you're caught up in an affair, it's something new, exciting & enticing... you're suddenly feeling all of these emotions and feelings that you'd thought you'd never feel again, you're feeling desired.
It's very, very difficult to cut something like that off cold turkey -- it's a very powerful feeling, and very much like an addiction.

Just keep your eyes wide open, because a burner phone it's super easy to buy right now -- I got one to leave in my son's glove compartment for emergencies.
The phone was $18 & I loaded a $10 prepaid card on it which gave me 1000 talk time minutes, and 1000 texts.

Shipped overnight, and all for under $30 -- it was that easy.

So remember, if he has a reason to leave the house, he could be communicating with her still.

Don’t phones have to have an email account tied to them or anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, found the info re: the kids & finding out, but how are they question stands. So sorry you are all going through this, OP. My ex had an affair and left, so I'm divorced. It has not been great for the kids but neither was the anger, criticism, gaslighting 100% of the time. I do my best with the 50. I do think it is easier for me, my ex was a very smooth liar (a litigator) and it was a relief to not have that in my home. Best to you, OP!

Mine left me for his affair partner too. He’s a gaslighter and a liar and a coward. These are facts. Emotions are still clouding how I feel about him - I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone, including myself. But I’m hoping in time that what I know to be true starts to inform my emotions and I no longer feel so devastated about our marriage ending. I’m focusing on what is important to me so that I feel good about myself and I don’t feel like my husband leaving me is due to some shortcoming of mine. The truth is he’s the one with shortcomings and I have no doubt at all that he’ll leave his affair partner in about ten years. It’s his pattern. And then he’ll be in his mid 60s, totally dependent on viagra, bald and groaning every time he has to lean over and tie his shoes. And I’ll be better in ten years than I am now.

My STBX also cheated on me. Then he waffled back and forth for weeks and months about whether he wanted to try to stay together or if it couldn’t be overcome and he wanted to divorce. My gut told me to divorce him but I wanted him to be the one to decide it first. He screwed up everything and in my eyes he needed to address his shortcomings to have the ability to do work and try.

OP, I caution you because your husband is love bombing you. He said and did terrible things to you and all of the sudden you are amazing and he wants to keep you? That’s not love.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry. If my spouse waffled at all, it would be over. Thankfully he was the one that did the dumping and I was told by therapist and ow he wanted zero to do with her.

Still not sure about reconciliation, but if it had been a love thing or an ‘I’m not sure I want to be here thing’, I couldn’t even attempt reconciliation. It was very clear to all it was an escape/no strings/don’t want to get caught midlife boredom thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I completely understand the feeling of needing or wanting to sleep with him again.
Contrary to what other people think, you're not rewarding him for the affair -- you just want to feel closer to him (especially if you have no plans on leaving him).

It's natural to wonder if he still desires you after an affair... its natural to WANT him to desire you again after an affair.
It's natural to try to make him fall in love with you all over again after an affair.
It's natural to sleep with him because you're worried if you don't, he'll go back to her after an affair.

You sound pretty rational and level-headed, so I'm going to be honest with you... doing all of that is great if it satisfies you... but don't sleep with him because you want a certain end result to happen, also with him because you desire him, not because you're afraid he'll cheat again.

You know the signs if this were to happen again, so my one piece of advice is... don't take their word that it's over, just because they both say that it was.
He lied to you the entire length of the affair, he could be still lying to you.

When you're caught up in an affair, it's something new, exciting & enticing... you're suddenly feeling all of these emotions and feelings that you'd thought you'd never feel again, you're feeling desired.
It's very, very difficult to cut something like that off cold turkey -- it's a very powerful feeling, and very much like an addiction.

Just keep your eyes wide open, because a burner phone it's super easy to buy right now -- I got one to leave in my son's glove compartment for emergencies.
The phone was $18 & I loaded a $10 prepaid card on it which gave me 1000 talk time minutes, and 1000 texts.

Shipped overnight, and all for under $30 -- it was that easy.

So remember, if he has a reason to leave the house, he could be communicating with her still.

Don’t phones have to have an email account tied to them or anything?

No. Nothing. Burner phones/pay-to-go have no account tied to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry. If my spouse waffled at all, it would be over. Thankfully he was the one that did the dumping and I was told by therapist and ow he wanted zero to do with her.

Still not sure about reconciliation, but if it had been a love thing or an ‘I’m not sure I want to be here thing’, I couldn’t even attempt reconciliation. It was very clear to all it was an escape/no strings/don’t want to get caught midlife boredom thing.

NP. My DH also had a one night stand that he said was a dumb mistake. That he wasn’t unhappy in the marriage. There wasn’t a long term affair or love for the woman he had sex with. It still destroyed everything we had built and killed our marriage. He had regret and remorse but it wasn’t enough. He wasn’t trying the way I thought a man who wanted to stay with his wife and kids would try. He had a midlife crisis of sorts and realize he had made some major major mistakes and a big mess, and he wasn’t able to spring to action to do much of anything to help clean it up.

Whether an EA or a PA, whether it was one night or months or years, there is so much damage done. Don’t be so quick to sweep under the rug that your husband only had sex without love for somebody else. And if he is all of the sudden coming on very strong that he wants to make things right, and is begging you to stay with him, you need to peel back the layers and see what really is underneath it all. A bandaid attempt not to lose more? Real genuine change? Or making things right until he can buy his time to just have sex with somebody not you again?

[Anonymous]

^ thanks for this. I haven’t. He’s been doing everything right. He has worked hard and showed up every day, and taken so much abuse from me as I struggled with it and my emotions raged all over. He never once put any blame on me. It’s been a few years and I’m still assessing whether it’s something I’m willing to live with and be able to overcome. I was a bit upset that the “8 year lady” said she still thinks about it every day (not obsessively and is happy), I’m not sure I can do that- but we are great friends/lovers/parents/partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, found the info re: the kids & finding out, but how are they question stands. So sorry you are all going through this, OP. My ex had an affair and left, so I'm divorced. It has not been great for the kids but neither was the anger, criticism, gaslighting 100% of the time. I do my best with the 50. I do think it is easier for me, my ex was a very smooth liar (a litigator) and it was a relief to not have that in my home. Best to you, OP!

Mine left me for his affair partner too. He’s a gaslighter and a liar and a coward. These are facts. Emotions are still clouding how I feel about him - I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone, including myself. But I’m hoping in time that what I know to be true starts to inform my emotions and I no longer feel so devastated about our marriage ending. I’m focusing on what is important to me so that I feel good about myself and I don’t feel like my husband leaving me is due to some shortcoming of mine. The truth is he’s the one with shortcomings and I have no doubt at all that he’ll leave his affair partner in about ten years. It’s his pattern. And then he’ll be in his mid 60s, totally dependent on viagra, bald and groaning every time he has to lean over and tie his shoes. And I’ll be better in ten years than I am now.

Nah. They eventually stop cheating / leaving their wife. It becomes too much effort and too expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ thanks for this. I haven’t. He’s been doing everything right. He has worked hard and showed up every day, and taken so much abuse from me as I struggled with it and my emotions raged all over. He never once put any blame on me. It’s been a few years and I’m still assessing whether it’s something I’m willing to live with and be able to overcome. I was a bit upset that the “8 year lady” said she still thinks about it every day (not obsessively and is happy), I’m not sure I can do that- but we are great friends/lovers/parents/partners.

I have done a lot of work around this issue as my spouse and I split after an affair (and they subsequently married the AP)...I don't know how you can characterize your relationship as great in all of those ways. There was an underlying tremendous amount of disregard, disrespect, and outright horrible things done and said about you, his "friend, lover, co-parent, and partner." I can't imagine doing the things he did and saying all he did and still seeing them as great in those ways. Great parents do not disrespect their children's mother. Great friends do not talk trash and betray their friends. Great partners certainly don't do anything near what he did. Mid-life crisis happen often - most don't result in extra-marital affairs. I won't even address the lovers part because he obviously wanted to have sex with someone else.

So while I have so much admiration for your honesty, I also wonder where you really are with the deep betrayal. Not saying all marriages should end after an affair. But your statement about how great you two are seems incredibly incongruous with the state of your marriage.

And "taking so much abuse from you" actually makes him feel better. Look it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I completely understand the feeling of needing or wanting to sleep with him again.
Contrary to what other people think, you're not rewarding him for the affair -- you just want to feel closer to him (especially if you have no plans on leaving him).

It's natural to wonder if he still desires you after an affair... its natural to WANT him to desire you again after an affair.
It's natural to try to make him fall in love with you all over again after an affair.
It's natural to sleep with him because you're worried if you don't, he'll go back to her after an affair.

You sound pretty rational and level-headed, so I'm going to be honest with you... doing all of that is great if it satisfies you... but don't sleep with him because you want a certain end result to happen, also with him because you desire him, not because you're afraid he'll cheat again.

You know the signs if this were to happen again, so my one piece of advice is... don't take their word that it's over, just because they both say that it was.
He lied to you the entire length of the affair, he could be still lying to you.

When you're caught up in an affair, it's something new, exciting & enticing... you're suddenly feeling all of these emotions and feelings that you'd thought you'd never feel again, you're feeling desired.
It's very, very difficult to cut something like that off cold turkey -- it's a very powerful feeling, and very much like an addiction.

Just keep your eyes wide open, because a burner phone it's super easy to buy right now -- I got one to leave in my son's glove compartment for emergencies.
The phone was $18 & I loaded a $10 prepaid card on it which gave me 1000 talk time minutes, and 1000 texts.

Shipped overnight, and all for under $30 -- it was that easy.

So remember, if he has a reason to leave the house, he could be communicating with her still.

Don’t phones have to have an email account tied to them or anything?

Nope, not a burner phone.

You buy it, and when you're setting it up in the website, it will ask you what area code you want -- I could've picked an area code for any city, in any state in the US. Then it will give you a pool of 10 numbers to choose from and you pick the one you like best.

Because it's prepaid, that's all it is.

But let's say for the sake of arguments that you DID need an email address to register with -- it literally takes 2 minutes to create a new gmail email address, so that wouldn't even matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ thanks for this. I haven’t. He’s been doing everything right. He has worked hard and showed up every day, and taken so much abuse from me as I struggled with it and my emotions raged all over. He never once put any blame on me. It’s been a few years and I’m still assessing whether it’s something I’m willing to live with and be able to overcome. I was a bit upset that the “8 year lady” said she still thinks about it every day (not obsessively and is happy), I’m not sure I can do that- but we are great friends/lovers/parents/partners.

I have done a lot of work around this issue as my spouse and I split after an affair (and they subsequently married the AP)...I don't know how you can characterize your relationship as great in all of those ways. There was an underlying tremendous amount of disregard, disrespect, and outright horrible things done and said about you, his "friend, lover, co-parent, and partner." I can't imagine doing the things he did and saying all he did and still seeing them as great in those ways. Great parents do not disrespect their children's mother. Great friends do not talk trash and betray their friends. Great partners certainly don't do anything near what he did. Mid-life crisis happen often - most don't result in extra-marital affairs. I won't even address the lovers part because he obviously wanted to have sex with someone else.

So while I have so much admiration for your honesty, I also wonder where you really are with the deep betrayal. Not saying all marriages should end after an affair. But your statement about how great you two are seems incredibly incongruous with the state of your marriage.

And "taking so much abuse from you" actually makes him feel better. Look it up.

DP. There was no trash talking in my spouse’s- even she said that. He apparently only ever says good things. Therapist told me the same. 15, 20, 30 years is a long time. Complete compartmentalization and a lot of personal issues. Sometimes it really is just an escape from themselves.

You don’t know this person or the exact situation. Many men who cheat say they were very happy in their marriage. It’s really not the same with women.

Your spouse married the AP so it sounds like a very different situation. Some men do this with absolutely zero intention of leaving. Did this guy confess? Did he do the dumping? Did he do the work?

Not all affairs are anything about the ow or love. It could have been anyone. Just like a bottle of vodka. And 40-50% of marriages experience cheating. Midlife affairs are very, very common.

I am very sorry for what you went through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ thanks for this. I haven’t. He’s been doing everything right. He has worked hard and showed up every day, and taken so much abuse from me as I struggled with it and my emotions raged all over. He never once put any blame on me. It’s been a few years and I’m still assessing whether it’s something I’m willing to live with and be able to overcome. I was a bit upset that the “8 year lady” said she still thinks about it every day (not obsessively and is happy), I’m not sure I can do that- but we are great friends/lovers/parents/partners.

I have done a lot of work around this issue as my spouse and I split after an affair (and they subsequently married the AP)...I don't know how you can characterize your relationship as great in all of those ways. There was an underlying tremendous amount of disregard, disrespect, and outright horrible things done and said about you, his "friend, lover, co-parent, and partner." I can't imagine doing the things he did and saying all he did and still seeing them as great in those ways. Great parents do not disrespect their children's mother. Great friends do not talk trash and betray their friends. Great partners certainly don't do anything near what he did. Mid-life crisis happen often - most don't result in extra-marital affairs. I won't even address the lovers part because he obviously wanted to have sex with someone else.

So while I have so much admiration for your honesty, I also wonder where you really are with the deep betrayal. Not saying all marriages should end after an affair. But your statement about how great you two are seems incredibly incongruous with the state of your marriage.

And "taking so much abuse from you" actually makes him feel better. Look it up.

DP. There was no trash talking in my spouse’s- even she said that. He apparently only ever says good things. Therapist told me the same. 15, 20, 30 years is a long time. Complete compartmentalization and a lot of personal issues. Sometimes it really is just an escape from themselves.

You don’t know this person or the exact situation. Many men who cheat say they were very happy in their marriage. It’s really not the same with women.

Your spouse married the AP so it sounds like a very different situation. Some men do this with absolutely zero intention of leaving. Did this guy confess? Did he do the dumping? Did he do the work?

Not all affairs are anything about the ow or love. It could have been anyone. Just like a bottle of vodka. And 40-50% of marriages experience cheating. Midlife affairs are very, very common.

I am very sorry for what you went through.

Go back and reread what OP wrote to start the thread. That's what I based my post on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ thanks for this. I haven’t. He’s been doing everything right. He has worked hard and showed up every day, and taken so much abuse from me as I struggled with it and my emotions raged all over. He never once put any blame on me. It’s been a few years and I’m still assessing whether it’s something I’m willing to live with and be able to overcome. I was a bit upset that the “8 year lady” said she still thinks about it every day (not obsessively and is happy), I’m not sure I can do that- but we are great friends/lovers/parents/partners.

I have done a lot of work around this issue as my spouse and I split after an affair (and they subsequently married the AP)...I don't know how you can characterize your relationship as great in all of those ways. There was an underlying tremendous amount of disregard, disrespect, and outright horrible things done and said about you, his "friend, lover, co-parent, and partner." I can't imagine doing the things he did and saying all he did and still seeing them as great in those ways. Great parents do not disrespect their children's mother. Great friends do not talk trash and betray their friends. Great partners certainly don't do anything near what he did. Mid-life crisis happen often - most don't result in extra-marital affairs. I won't even address the lovers part because he obviously wanted to have sex with someone else.

So while I have so much admiration for your honesty, I also wonder where you really are with the deep betrayal. Not saying all marriages should end after an affair. But your statement about how great you two are seems incredibly incongruous with the state of your marriage.

And "taking so much abuse from you" actually makes him feel better. Look it up.

Just to be clear, the post was not me the OP