Trying to get over husband’s affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my DH had an emotional affair. It was devastating, and it wasn’t nearly as awful as what your DH did. We are still together, and it took more than a year for me to recover from the affair. 6 weeks is nothing! Why would you expect to be feeling better yet?

I highly recommend survivinginfidelity.com if your goal is reconciliation. You will get good btdt advice there.

Take good care of yourself.

Thank you! Not sure I expect to be feeling better, more I’m trying to understand what I’m feeling if that makes sense? It’s kind of gone like this:

Extreme sadness
Extreme anger
Wanting to fix it all
Questioning if I’m a fool and letting him “off the hook”
Intense love for my husband
Intense hate that he did this
Obsessive thoughts about her
Mix in more sadness, hopelessness, anger
Then let’s dig in and work on this

To rinse and repeat kind of …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, he wasn't sorry about any of this until he was caught. That's really all you need to know. He'd still be doing this if you had not caught him. This IS who he is.

BTDT after a 17 year marriage. I too was desperate to save it because of our kids, but looking back divorcing him was the best decision of my life. You deserve better. Your marriage will never be the same, and you will never fully trust him.

It’s a fair point. According to his therapist he was sorry he was doing this and was trying to understand why during the affair. But a huge concern when I ask him “how did you think this would play out, you knew aid eventually figure it out, didn’t you?” His response is - I wasn’t thinking, I thought I’d end it before . This response bothers me as it would mean whatever May have lead to the affair would likely still have been there leading to future affairs… the OW did tell me she asked him if he’d done this before at all and he told her no. I tend to believe that but who knows, as you point out it’s hard to know what to believe anymore. I have known him 27 years, however abd this does seem out of character

How out of character? Really?

Don’t do marital counseling. There is nothing wrong with the marriage.

Your H needs to fix his issues. Married or not, it affects his ability to be a good father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my DH had an emotional affair. It was devastating, and it wasn’t nearly as awful as what your DH did. We are still together, and it took more than a year for me to recover from the affair. 6 weeks is nothing! Why would you expect to be feeling better yet?

I highly recommend survivinginfidelity.com if your goal is reconciliation. You will get good btdt advice there.

Take good care of yourself.

Thank you! Not sure I expect to be feeling better, more I’m trying to understand what I’m feeling if that makes sense? It’s kind of gone like this:

Extreme sadness
Extreme anger
Wanting to fix it all
Questioning if I’m a fool and letting him “off the hook”
Intense love for my husband
Intense hate that he did this
Obsessive thoughts about her
Mix in more sadness, hopelessness, anger
Then let’s dig in and work on this

To rinse and repeat kind of …

You’re in the shock stage.

It’s early but by month 6 , you and your individual therapist should have tools in place to not ruminate.

Do you work? Can u leave it f you decide to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, he wasn't sorry about any of this until he was caught. That's really all you need to know. He'd still be doing this if you had not caught him. This IS who he is.

BTDT after a 17 year marriage. I too was desperate to save it because of our kids, but looking back divorcing him was the best decision of my life. You deserve better. Your marriage will never be the same, and you will never fully trust him.

It’s a fair point. According to his therapist he was sorry he was doing this and was trying to understand why during the affair. But a huge concern when I ask him “how did you think this would play out, you knew aid eventually figure it out, didn’t you?” His response is - I wasn’t thinking, I thought I’d end it before . This response bothers me as it would mean whatever May have lead to the affair would likely still have been there leading to future affairs… the OW did tell me she asked him if he’d done this before at all and he told her no. I tend to believe that but who knows, as you point out it’s hard to know what to believe anymore. I have known him 27 years, however abd this does seem out of character

How out of character? Really?

Don’t do marital counseling. There is nothing wrong with the marriage.

Your H needs to fix his issues. Married or not, it affects his ability to be a good father.

Yes, understand that point. I don’t know I believe it’s out of character for him but you’re right maybe that is my own fantasy thinking. He believes he’s been completely broken down and changed by all of this and to his credit is recognizing and talking about his narcissistic tendencies and similar concerns and working with his therapist to address. But to your point I am not sure I am May be the best judge of character versus what I want his character to be

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, he wasn't sorry about any of this until he was caught. That's really all you need to know. He'd still be doing this if you had not caught him. This IS who he is.

BTDT after a 17 year marriage. I too was desperate to save it because of our kids, but looking back divorcing him was the best decision of my life. You deserve better. Your marriage will never be the same, and you will never fully trust him.

It’s a fair point. According to his therapist he was sorry he was doing this and was trying to understand why during the affair. But a huge concern when I ask him “how did you think this would play out, you knew aid eventually figure it out, didn’t you?” His response is - I wasn’t thinking, I thought I’d end it before . This response bothers me as it would mean whatever May have lead to the affair would likely still have been there leading to future affairs… the OW did tell me she asked him if he’d done this before at all and he told her no. I tend to believe that but who knows, as you point out it’s hard to know what to believe anymore. I have known him 27 years, however abd this does seem out of character

How out of character? Really?

Don’t do marital counseling. There is nothing wrong with the marriage.

Your H needs to fix his issues. Married or not, it affects his ability to be a good father.

Yes, understand that point. I don’t know I believe it’s out of character for him but you’re right maybe that is my own fantasy thinking. He believes he’s been completely broken down and changed by all of this and to his credit is recognizing and talking about his narcissistic tendencies and similar concerns and working with his therapist to address. But to your point I am not sure I am May be the best judge of character versus what I want his character to be

Good insight!

You’re doing all the right things right now. Don’t rush the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my DH had an emotional affair. It was devastating, and it wasn’t nearly as awful as what your DH did. We are still together, and it took more than a year for me to recover from the affair. 6 weeks is nothing! Why would you expect to be feeling better yet?

I highly recommend survivinginfidelity.com if your goal is reconciliation. You will get good btdt advice there.

Take good care of yourself.

Thank you! Not sure I expect to be feeling better, more I’m trying to understand what I’m feeling if that makes sense? It’s kind of gone like this:

Extreme sadness
Extreme anger
Wanting to fix it all
Questioning if I’m a fool and letting him “off the hook”
Intense love for my husband
Intense hate that he did this
Obsessive thoughts about her
Mix in more sadness, hopelessness, anger
Then let’s dig in and work on this

To rinse and repeat kind of …

You’re in the shock stage.

It’s early but by month 6 , you and your individual therapist should have tools in place to not ruminate.

Do you work? Can u leave it f you decide to?

I work but I don’t make a ton. I did have a very successful career that I stopped as his career really took off and it would’ve been untenable, so I stayed home once the kids were 4 and 2. We are financially fortunate and money won’t be an issue. It’s also not an incentive to stay, I’ll be more than fine. I manage our investments and books so I know the complete lay of the land in this front and as married 21 years I’ll be just fine should we divorce (financially)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

He said all these things YET you also say in the first post, OP, that "he is remorseful"? Has he actually said in words that he is specifically remorseful for saying these things? And have you both, in therapy addressed each of these things on this list? He can feel and show remorse for saying them but that does not change or excuse his feelings behind them. Double down on couples therapy but you BOTH also need individual therapy.

You say you have older teens in another post, and you say here you have a child with a disease; is your child with the disease also an older teen? Is this a child who will be at home with you for life, or one who is going to leave home for college/job/etc. soon? Keep in your mind that if your children will leave soon, you have an opportunity for divorce (though I am NOT saying "stay for the kids" necessarily, just noting that leaving home for college/work is often a clear point at which some couples divorce with a bit less stress on kids involved-though it is never NO stress on kids.)

Yes he has shown a lot of remorse for those comments
Yes we are both in individual therapy I have been for years he basically started shortly before i found out about affair
Our child with disease is now in college and will live a normal life
Our other child is a senior in high school

I doubt he is remorseful. Those comments make it clear he full on hates you. Why are you still with him? Get your ducks in a row and make sure you save all the evidence of what he did and said so you can take his ass to the cleaners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

He said all these things YET you also say in the first post, OP, that "he is remorseful"? Has he actually said in words that he is specifically remorseful for saying these things? And have you both, in therapy addressed each of these things on this list? He can feel and show remorse for saying them but that does not change or excuse his feelings behind them. Double down on couples therapy but you BOTH also need individual therapy.

You say you have older teens in another post, and you say here you have a child with a disease; is your child with the disease also an older teen? Is this a child who will be at home with you for life, or one who is going to leave home for college/job/etc. soon? Keep in your mind that if your children will leave soon, you have an opportunity for divorce (though I am NOT saying "stay for the kids" necessarily, just noting that leaving home for college/work is often a clear point at which some couples divorce with a bit less stress on kids involved-though it is never NO stress on kids.)

Yes he has shown a lot of remorse for those comments
Yes we are both in individual therapy I have been for years he basically started shortly before i found out about affair
Our child with disease is now in college and will live a normal life
Our other child is a senior in high school

I doubt he is remorseful. Those comments make it clear he full on hates you. Why are you still with him? Get your ducks in a row and make sure you save all the evidence of what he did and said so you can take his ass to the cleaners.

It 100% doesn’t mean that. It just means the OW needed to hear these things to sleep with him

She’s a victim here too, she was fed a bunch of lies. She obviously is responsible for her own actions and believing lies was one.

She just told OP all that hoping she’d kick him out and he’d land on her doorstep.

She miscalculated.

[Anonymous]

OP, why are you having sex with him? It's the last thing you should be giving him right now.

[Anonymous]

“He is extremely remorseful,” it’s only been six weeks OP. You are still having sex with him and giving in to HIS needs, not your own. As someone whose EXDH did the same, I promise it won’t last. Also, your DH didn’t have a one night stand, 6 months is another relationship. If you did more digging, I bet you would find others. I as well tried therapy and working on the relationship for a year, but ultimately divorced and am so happy I did. You deserve better OP, and stop having sex with him while you are trying to heal.

[Anonymous]

I have one kid with a genetic disorder and my other kid had cancer. If my husband ever used their illnesses as some sort of strange justification to appease his affair partner, I would be so angry I don’t think I could ever move past it. And I am a person that would consider trying to work through an affair I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why are you having sex with him? It's the last thing you should be giving him right now.

Why do you think it's giving instead of taking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have one kid with a genetic disorder and my other kid had cancer. If my husband ever used their illnesses as some sort of strange justification to appease his affair partner, I would be so angry I don’t think I could ever move past it. And I am a person that would consider trying to work through an affair I think.

Yes, this struck me too. OP, your husband sounds like a terrible person. He has bad character. How could he do this to you and your family? He is selfish and doesn’t really care about you. Leave him.

I can see myself sticking w a spouse after an affair if I still believed my spouse was a decent person who made a big mistake. But that is not the situation you are in…not only did your husband cheat and lie and manipulate, he doesn’t respect you at all going by the things he said about you to his AP and he doesn’t respect your kids either. I’m sorry but that’s the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

Oh hell no. I’m poly not a cheater, but regardless have never nor would I ever trash my spouse like this. If your husband is “very good looking and extremely successful” as you say, he didn’t need to say these things just to get sex. I suspect there is more to it, but only your husband knows for sure. To me these words are beyond the pale, but of course you’ll have to decide if they are for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

Oh hell no. I’m poly not a cheater, but regardless have never nor would I ever trash my spouse like this. If your husband is “very good looking and extremely successful” as you say, he didn’t need to say these things just to get sex. I suspect there is more to it, but only your husband knows for sure. To me these words are beyond the pale, but of course you’ll have to decide if they are for you.

Agree.