Trying to get over husband’s affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ thanks for this. I haven’t. He’s been doing everything right. He has worked hard and showed up every day, and taken so much abuse from me as I struggled with it and my emotions raged all over. He never once put any blame on me. It’s been a few years and I’m still assessing whether it’s something I’m willing to live with and be able to overcome. I was a bit upset that the “8 year lady” said she still thinks about it every day (not obsessively and is happy), I’m not sure I can do that- but we are great friends/lovers/parents/partners.

I have done a lot of work around this issue as my spouse and I split after an affair (and they subsequently married the AP)...I don't know how you can characterize your relationship as great in all of those ways. There was an underlying tremendous amount of disregard, disrespect, and outright horrible things done and said about you, his "friend, lover, co-parent, and partner." I can't imagine doing the things he did and saying all he did and still seeing them as great in those ways. Great parents do not disrespect their children's mother. Great friends do not talk trash and betray their friends. Great partners certainly don't do anything near what he did. Mid-life crisis happen often - most don't result in extra-marital affairs. I won't even address the lovers part because he obviously wanted to have sex with someone else.

So while I have so much admiration for your honesty, I also wonder where you really are with the deep betrayal. Not saying all marriages should end after an affair. But your statement about how great you two are seems incredibly incongruous with the state of your marriage.

And "taking so much abuse from you" actually makes him feel better. Look it up.

DP. There was no trash talking in my spouse’s- even she said that. He apparently only ever says good things. Therapist told me the same. 15, 20, 30 years is a long time. Complete compartmentalization and a lot of personal issues. Sometimes it really is just an escape from themselves.

You don’t know this person or the exact situation. Many men who cheat say they were very happy in their marriage. It’s really not the same with women.

Your spouse married the AP so it sounds like a very different situation. Some men do this with absolutely zero intention of leaving. Did this guy confess? Did he do the dumping? Did he do the work?

Not all affairs are anything about the ow or love. It could have been anyone. Just like a bottle of vodka. And 40-50% of marriages experience cheating. Midlife affairs are very, very common.

I am very sorry for what you went through.

Go back and reread what OP wrote to start the thread. That's what I based my post on.

Oh! Sorry- got it. She confirmed that did happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my DH had an emotional affair. It was devastating, and it wasn’t nearly as awful as what your DH did. We are still together, and it took more than a year for me to recover from the affair. 6 weeks is nothing! Why would you expect to be feeling better yet?

I highly recommend survivinginfidelity.com if your goal is reconciliation. You will get good btdt advice there.

Take good care of yourself.

It's like a pregnancy. 6 weeks post-affair = still bleeding, dazed, and wondering how TF you got here.

DH and I lived apart for 2 years after his affair. Once reconciliation was on the table, we did several months of therapy before we lived together again. We were very close to finalizing our divorce. We spent a ton of money on two households and two lawyers. And I still wouldn't do that part any differently!

OP, you've had NO distance from this at all. Please take your time and take care of yourself. You don't HAVE to reconcile right now. You don't HAVE to divorce right now. This is a process and you may find you feel much differently in a few months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my DH had an emotional affair. It was devastating, and it wasn’t nearly as awful as what your DH did. We are still together, and it took more than a year for me to recover from the affair. 6 weeks is nothing! Why would you expect to be feeling better yet?

I highly recommend survivinginfidelity.com if your goal is reconciliation. You will get good btdt advice there.

Take good care of yourself.

It's like a pregnancy. 6 weeks post-affair = still bleeding, dazed, and wondering how TF you got here.

DH and I lived apart for 2 years after his affair. Once reconciliation was on the table, we did several months of therapy before we lived together again. We were very close to finalizing our divorce. We spent a ton of money on two households and two lawyers. And I still wouldn't do that part any differently!

OP, you've had NO distance from this at all. Please take your time and take care of yourself. You don't HAVE to reconcile right now. You don't HAVE to divorce right now. This is a process and you may find you feel much differently in a few months.

What does “reconciliation was on the table” mean? Was that when DH agreed to return?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my DH had an emotional affair. It was devastating, and it wasn’t nearly as awful as what your DH did. We are still together, and it took more than a year for me to recover from the affair. 6 weeks is nothing! Why would you expect to be feeling better yet?

I highly recommend survivinginfidelity.com if your goal is reconciliation. You will get good btdt advice there.

Take good care of yourself.

It's like a pregnancy. 6 weeks post-affair = still bleeding, dazed, and wondering how TF you got here.

DH and I lived apart for 2 years after his affair. Once reconciliation was on the table, we did several months of therapy before we lived together again. We were very close to finalizing our divorce. We spent a ton of money on two households and two lawyers. And I still wouldn't do that part any differently!

OP, you've had NO distance from this at all. Please take your time and take care of yourself. You don't HAVE to reconcile right now. You don't HAVE to divorce right now. This is a process and you may find you feel much differently in a few months.

What does “reconciliation was on the table” mean? Was that when DH agreed to return?

When she finally agreed to try.