I hate Mom Cliques

[Anonymous]

It's just the beginning. Mean moms orchestrate the playdates, the birthday parties and the sports teams. But they are seen as 'so cool'. There are few dads that fall into that category too - esp as it relates to sports teams in ES.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It probably was unintentional. The 5 moms are good friends and just decided to have this get-together.

This. If I’m friends with some moms why can’t I just plan on going out with them for lunch with our kids?
There might be other kids that our kids are friends with too OP, not just yours. Do we invite them all too? Then it turns into a cluster.

+1 this wasn’t a birthday party. I don’t think there was any ill intent.

+2. There will always be someone who feels left out. Not everything is a slight against you.

Which is why social media is toxic, and people who post this sort of thing on social media don’t care whose feelings they hurt. Why does it have to be posted?

Because people just post stuff about their lives? If you can’t deal, you really shouldn’t be on. It’s not worth staying on social media and getting your feelings hurt and saying “well they shouldn’t have posted that!” You’re fighting with reality.

—someone who literally never posts on social media and stays off as much as possible.

Just because you're a robot doesn't mean others can't have feelings and opinions about the things they see. Social media is toxic, the people who continually post these things are ill mannered and feeding into it. It's always rude to talk about social events to people, your followers, who weren't invited. Why should those people not have to hear about their rudeness? Why should others just "look away"? Instead people are commenting here on it.

[Anonymous]

You need to not take this personally, and separate whatever your feelings are about the social media post from your kid's enthusiasm about hanging out with these girls.

Most likely there have been other playdates over the year with some, but not all, of these "4 or 5 girls" that usually hang out together. Probably you even hosted one!

Just keep inviting and making plans for your kid as you have been.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP,
You are just at the beginning of this.
It's worst when your kid is old enough to notice.
My DC has moved on to middle school and the influence of these groups wanes, diluted by the larger student body and it's glorious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It probably was unintentional. The 5 moms are good friends and just decided to have this get-together.

This. If I’m friends with some moms why can’t I just plan on going out with them for lunch with our kids?
There might be other kids that our kids are friends with too OP, not just yours. Do we invite them all too? Then it turns into a cluster.

+1 this wasn’t a birthday party. I don’t think there was any ill intent.

+2. There will always be someone who feels left out. Not everything is a slight against you.

Which is why social media is toxic, and people who post this sort of thing on social media don’t care whose feelings they hurt. Why does it have to be posted?

Because people just post stuff about their lives? If you can’t deal, you really shouldn’t be on. It’s not worth staying on social media and getting your feelings hurt and saying “well they shouldn’t have posted that!” You’re fighting with reality.

—someone who literally never posts on social media and stays off as much as possible.

Just because you're a robot doesn't mean others can't have feelings and opinions about the things they see. Social media is toxic, the people who continually post these things are ill mannered and feeding into it. It's always rude to talk about social events to people, your followers, who weren't invited. Why should those people not have to hear about their rudeness? Why should others just "look away"? Instead people are commenting here on it.

I am aware that there are events, fun ones, that take place without me. I do not seek out photos of these events so I can get bummed out about not being invited, not looking as cute as the event-goers, not having as many friends, not having enough money, not being thin as they are, whatever it may bring up. If I did see such photos, I would try to avoid dwelling on them and would remind myself of all the good things in my life. I don’t think that makes me a robot, just someone who tries to adapt to reality.

You KNOW that people share these details of their lives on social media. That’s literally what it’s for (that and to spread misinformation, of course). If it bugs you, the solution is to change your behavior—do. Not. Use. Social. Media. The solution cannot be to complain that “people are rude and cliquey and they shouldn’t be that way.”

[Anonymous]

Have a summer thing. Invite the boys and other girls left out. Post it on social media. It widens DDs circle of friends, and maybe your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It probably was unintentional. The 5 moms are good friends and just decided to have this get-together.

This. If I’m friends with some moms why can’t I just plan on going out with them for lunch with our kids?
There might be other kids that our kids are friends with too OP, not just yours. Do we invite them all too? Then it turns into a cluster.

+1 this wasn’t a birthday party. I don’t think there was any ill intent.

+2. There will always be someone who feels left out. Not everything is a slight against you.

Which is why social media is toxic, and people who post this sort of thing on social media don’t care whose feelings they hurt. Why does it have to be posted?

Because people just post stuff about their lives? If you can’t deal, you really shouldn’t be on. It’s not worth staying on social media and getting your feelings hurt and saying “well they shouldn’t have posted that!” You’re fighting with reality.

—someone who literally never posts on social media and stays off as much as possible.

Just because you're a robot doesn't mean others can't have feelings and opinions about the things they see. Social media is toxic, the people who continually post these things are ill mannered and feeding into it. It's always rude to talk about social events to people, your followers, who weren't invited. Why should those people not have to hear about their rudeness? Why should others just "look away"? Instead people are commenting here on it.

I am aware that there are events, fun ones, that take place without me. I do not seek out photos of these events so I can get bummed out about not being invited, not looking as cute as the event-goers, not having as many friends, not having enough money, not being thin as they are, whatever it may bring up. If I did see such photos, I would try to avoid dwelling on them and would remind myself of all the good things in my life. I don’t think that makes me a robot, just someone who tries to adapt to reality.

You KNOW that people share these details of their lives on social media. That’s literally what it’s for (that and to spread misinformation, of course). If it bugs you, the solution is to change your behavior—do. Not. Use. Social. Media. The solution cannot be to complain that “people are rude and cliquey and they shouldn’t be that way.”

Nobody said it's the solution is complaining. People are venting here but even that is too much for you. No venting. No complaining. Keep all thoughts and opinions to yourself all the time. M'kay.

[Anonymous]

I’m everyone’s friend, but no one’s BFF and one of my kids seems to be the same. Here’s what you do OP.

1. Have the play date you planned
2. Invest in a few adult relationships this summer with neighbors or other people (like boy moms!)
3. Post on social media about any summer things you do with other moms - not the 5. The objective is to show that you have your own friends and you are a fun person that people want to spend time with.
4. Have a back to school moms “wine night” and invite the 5 along with a few people that are your real friends. Let them see you in your element and get to know you.

Continue to be the bigger person. Invite the 5 and their daughters. Keep including their kids even if they don’t include yours - assuming your kid likes them and their kids are kind to yours. One of two things will happen. One is that you develop real friends you can count on to include you and you no longer crave to be included with the 5. The other is that the 5 become interested in you because they see that you are fun and worth including. For your sake, I hope it’s the former instead of the latter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD just had her last day of K and I just found out ( bc one of DD’s friend moms posted pics on Facebook) that the moms of the group of 4 or 5 girls that DD became good friends with from her class arranged an after school get together with all the girls except for my daughter. And there’s no other reason I can find for this other than the fact that I’m not part of the Mom clique. I’ve arranged lots of play dates with these girls over the year and DD has been invited over to most of their houses as well, so I don’t think it’s a matter of them unintentionally excluding her.

It just makes me so mad and I can’t wait until DD is old enough to where the Moms aren’t so influential and involved in the social lives of their kids. Thank god DD is still clueless to these kinds of things, but I know that won’t last forever too. It just makes me feel terrible because she has been talking about having these girls over for a group playdate this summer and she’s clueless to the fact that she’s getting left out by the Moms.

I'm sorry this happened, OP. It sounds like your daughter is close enough friends with these girls that their moms should have thought to include your DD. And I think they also should not be posting it all over social media, that's just bound to make someone feel left out. I'm very against 'mean mom' culture and mom cliques and I try hard not to let myself be sucked into that. I see it all around me at our elementary school, with my 2nd grader and my kindergartner both.

However, I do want to propose a possible reason: maybe all the moms of the other girls in the friend group were already friends before k started or are friends through another activity they all do? I have a daughter also finishing up K right now. She went into K with 3 close girl friends who were all in her small preschool class last year and all live very close to us in our neighborhood so I was already close with those 3 girls' moms before K even started. It's possible someone who didn't go to our preschool or doesn't live in our neighborhood might have seen us talking at school pick up or see our daughters going home from school with each other for play dates and feel left out. I would hate to think that another kid or their parents felt left out. I tried to make sure I talked to other parents at pick up and not only my mom friends. I tried to encourage my daughter to make new friends and invite new friends over. But my daughter is very shy and it's just a lot easier for her to stick w/ her preschool friends. It's hard for her to branch out with new people. We're working on it and I'm still encouraging it but it's a slow process for a shy kid.

We are trying to be inclusive and friendly to others and make new friends. We invited all the girls from her K class to her bday party in an effort to get to know the girls and their parents better. But I have to admit that if I'm trying to arrange a more casual get together, especially if it's kind of last minute, for my daughter, it's obviously a lot easier to just send a group text to the 3 moms I already know well enough to know their family schedules/activities somewhat so I can better predict when would be a good date/time/place to meet up. This is not to intentionally leave other kids out. It's just easier to continue an ongoing group text chain w/ moms I know well who all live within a few blocks of us. Simple as that.

[Anonymous]

If kinder seems a problem, buckle up for 4-6 grade fun. Get DD in more activities so different sets of friends to lean on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If kinder seems a problem, buckle up for 4-6 grade fun. Get DD in more activities so different sets of friends to lean on.

This. Find other friend groups outside of school. My DD has an outside sports team and an outside friend group made up of kids of my friends. Its been lifesaver during the times when she’s on the outs with school friends.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I could have written the same thing except my kinder is a boy. I try to not take it personally, I'm hoping next year he can make new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have the playdate! You can’t get upset about this sort of thing. Five kindergarteners is a lot. Smaller gatherings are okay. There is probably a sixth girl feeling left out too.

And for goodness sake get off social media.

+1. It's possible they're just closer as adults and wanted to get together. It may be that if they felt like they invited your DD then they needed to invite 2 more, or all of the girls in the class, or whatever. The line gets drawn somewhere. And yes, maybe they're even jerks. Let it go, avoid on social media if it makes you upset, and do the big-tent playdate if you want to this summer. It's only as big of a deal as you make it in your own head.

- Mom who is definitely not in the inner circle of the "cool moms" and sometimes gets a little FOMO about it, but have done a pretty good job of just getting on with things and treating others the way I'd want to be treated

I agree with all of this and am similarly not a cool mom.

+1. I think it's easy to jump to the conclusion that you're being excluded intentionally and that it's all insidious and mean. I feel flashes of resentment and hurt when I see moms from my son's school getting together and no one invited me. But, there is probably someone who sees me hanging out with the one mom from school that I occasionally see socially (my son's best friend's mom) and wonders why she didn't get invited.

I think the healthiest approach is to give everyone the benefit of the doubt while also trying to be the change you want to see (i.e., be friendly and inclusive to everyone, including the non-clique moms!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It probably was unintentional. The 5 moms are good friends and just decided to have this get-together.

This. If I’m friends with some moms why can’t I just plan on going out with them for lunch with our kids?
There might be other kids that our kids are friends with too OP, not just yours. Do we invite them all too? Then it turns into a cluster.

+1 this wasn’t a birthday party. I don’t think there was any ill intent.

+2. There will always be someone who feels left out. Not everything is a slight against you.

Which is why social media is toxic, and people who post this sort of thing on social media don’t care whose feelings they hurt. Why does it have to be posted?

Because people just post stuff about their lives? If you can’t deal, you really shouldn’t be on. It’s not worth staying on social media and getting your feelings hurt and saying “well they shouldn’t have posted that!” You’re fighting with reality.

—someone who literally never posts on social media and stays off as much as possible.

Just because you're a robot doesn't mean others can't have feelings and opinions about the things they see. Social media is toxic, the people who continually post these things are ill mannered and feeding into it. It's always rude to talk about social events to people, your followers, who weren't invited. Why should those people not have to hear about their rudeness? Why should others just "look away"? Instead people are commenting here on it.

Why is that poster a robot to you? I don't post on SM either and am not as bothered by Mommy Cliques as some are. You sound like someone who is on SM too much and has a skewed view of how much time an average parent spends on SM.

[Anonymous]

As someone who often hosts big get togethers, smaller get togethers, 1:1 play dates, whole family activities, moms’ night activities, group vacations, etc. I will say I agree with the PP who says a line has to be drawn somewhere.

Sometimes I limit things to kids/moms from X activity because that is all I have the limit for. Or we’re keeping it smaller because someone I’m friends with is going through something. Sometimes I prioritize inviting over families of kid X, and next time Y or Z (I have 3 kids so we have a lot of friend groups). Sometimes we do last minute neighborhood mom things. It just varies all the time.

It’s not realistic to be included in everything and it doesn’t make these women “mean” just because you didn’t get invited.

Go plan the get together you want to have.