I hate Mom Cliques

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you who think your oversharing is harmless and people need to look away. You should read this, especially since we're talking about posting your kid's activities, not even your own.

https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2023/05/parents-posting-kids-online-tiktok-social-media/674137/

You KEEP posting stuff about this. What is your point?

I hate social media. I literally never ever post. I agree it is toxic. And yet—I realize I cannot control what other people do, but I CAN control myself and LOOK AWAY if I don’t like it.

You keep saying it’s toxic but yet OP isn’t responsible for staying away from something toxic? Like she knows not to drink poison but she just can’t help it, so let’s blame the poison instead of OP.

You can stop replying if it bothers you that people are talking about this. Or stick your head in the sand. Either way, we can talk about bad things like social media, drugs, drinking, etc. Stop telling people to look away because we aren't gong to shut up about it. Got it?

Who are "we"?

There's nothing wrong with talking about it. In fact I think everyone here is "talking about" social media, and in fact it looks like most agree that social media can be toxic. However, you seem to think that no one should post anything ever on social media in case someone feels sad/angry/envious/left out. (I guess? Is that your point?) Others are saying that if you hate social media, stay off of it. It's a question of responsibility. I happen to think that OP should avoid SM since it's making her feel bad. It's her job to manage her own feelings.

There are 1000 reasons that the other moms got together without OP and her kid, ranging from the "this was a spontaneous gathering and we happened to see one another on the walk home" to "we forgot to invite OP" to "OP sucks and we want her to see us having fun without her." But again, a lot of this upset can be avoided by getting off social media altogether if you can't handle seeing people having fun without you (I agree that sucks and is a big reason I basically don't use SM).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It probably was unintentional. The 5 moms are good friends and just decided to have this get-together.

This. If I’m friends with some moms why can’t I just plan on going out with them for lunch with our kids?
There might be other kids that our kids are friends with too OP, not just yours. Do we invite them all too? Then it turns into a cluster.

It’s not that these moms shouldn’t get together in small groups, it’s the fact that they then feel it necessary to show off on facebook. Why does it need to be flaunted on social media? If not to show off?

Just share the pics with the moms who are there over text. That’s the part that feels really insensitive and like mean girls activity.

My neighborhood has a large group WhatsApp chat. I kid you not, the cliquey moms send pictures of their social gatherings and events over the WhatsApp chat to everyone else in the neighborhood so they can see what they're missing out on. I stay off social media, but the WhatsApp chat is useful for communication and sort of internal neighborhood buy-nothing. However, I don't need to see videos of women in their late 30s and 40s doing shot-skis at a five year olds birthday party. It is insane and almost like some sort of weird internal competition between some of these mothers to see who is the "coolest". I live by one of the most exclusionary mothers I've ever met - there will be times when someone will ask in the group chat if kids are getting together anywhere, and it'll be crickets in response - meanwhile there is a collection of golf-carts and cars at a Friday Happy Hour in this woman's yard with other kids the same age. God forbid they include one more.

Last night was Monday and when out walking my dog, I was passed multiple times by one of the moms driving around on her golf cart drinking High Noons - basically patrolling the neighborhood to see if anyone was out doing anything without her. What's hilarious is that when new families move to our neighborhood, this same crew will tell them all how wonderful the neighborhood "village" is and what a blast it is to live there. I'm just thankful that my kids are older and moving on from the stage of parents social engineering their friendships. When my kids were younger my neighborhood was not this crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It probably was unintentional. The 5 moms are good friends and just decided to have this get-together.

This. If I’m friends with some moms why can’t I just plan on going out with them for lunch with our kids?
There might be other kids that our kids are friends with too OP, not just yours. Do we invite them all too? Then it turns into a cluster.

It’s not that these moms shouldn’t get together in small groups, it’s the fact that they then feel it necessary to show off on facebook. Why does it need to be flaunted on social media? If not to show off?

Just share the pics with the moms who are there over text. That’s the part that feels really insensitive and like mean girls activity.

My neighborhood has a large group WhatsApp chat. I kid you not, the cliquey moms send pictures of their social gatherings and events over the WhatsApp chat to everyone else in the neighborhood so they can see what they're missing out on. I stay off social media, but the WhatsApp chat is useful for communication and sort of internal neighborhood buy-nothing. However, I don't need to see videos of women in their late 30s and 40s doing shot-skis at a five year olds birthday party. It is insane and almost like some sort of weird internal competition between some of these mothers to see who is the "coolest". I live by one of the most exclusionary mothers I've ever met - there will be times when someone will ask in the group chat if kids are getting together anywhere, and it'll be crickets in response - meanwhile there is a collection of golf-carts and cars at a Friday Happy Hour in this woman's yard with other kids the same age. God forbid they include one more.

Last night was Monday and when out walking my dog, I was passed multiple times by one of the moms driving around on her golf cart drinking High Noons - basically patrolling the neighborhood to see if anyone was out doing anything without her. What's hilarious is that when new families move to our neighborhood, this same crew will tell them all how wonderful the neighborhood "village" is and what a blast it is to live there. I'm just thankful that my kids are older and moving on from the stage of parents social engineering their friendships. When my kids were younger my neighborhood was not this crazy.

You asked for it by moving into one of those golf cart neighborhoods. Never would I ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It probably was unintentional. The 5 moms are good friends and just decided to have this get-together.

This. If I’m friends with some moms why can’t I just plan on going out with them for lunch with our kids?
There might be other kids that our kids are friends with too OP, not just yours. Do we invite them all too? Then it turns into a cluster.

It’s not that these moms shouldn’t get together in small groups, it’s the fact that they then feel it necessary to show off on facebook. Why does it need to be flaunted on social media? If not to show off?

Just share the pics with the moms who are there over text. That’s the part that feels really insensitive and like mean girls activity.

My neighborhood has a large group WhatsApp chat. I kid you not, the cliquey moms send pictures of their social gatherings and events over the WhatsApp chat to everyone else in the neighborhood so they can see what they're missing out on. I stay off social media, but the WhatsApp chat is useful for communication and sort of internal neighborhood buy-nothing. However, I don't need to see videos of women in their late 30s and 40s doing shot-skis at a five year olds birthday party. It is insane and almost like some sort of weird internal competition between some of these mothers to see who is the "coolest". I live by one of the most exclusionary mothers I've ever met - there will be times when someone will ask in the group chat if kids are getting together anywhere, and it'll be crickets in response - meanwhile there is a collection of golf-carts and cars at a Friday Happy Hour in this woman's yard with other kids the same age. God forbid they include one more.

Last night was Monday and when out walking my dog, I was passed multiple times by one of the moms driving around on her golf cart drinking High Noons - basically patrolling the neighborhood to see if anyone was out doing anything without her. What's hilarious is that when new families move to our neighborhood, this same crew will tell them all how wonderful the neighborhood "village" is and what a blast it is to live there. I'm just thankful that my kids are older and moving on from the stage of parents social engineering their friendships. When my kids were younger my neighborhood was not this crazy.

You asked for it by moving into one of those golf cart neighborhoods. Never would I ever.

Truth. The fact that the neighborhood has a whatsapp chat is a sign.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. Sixth grade parent still dealing with this crap and I’m so over it.

same happened before here and was part of a group too that wanted to exclude others. Its just so annoying and cant wait to be done with elementary.

It gets "better" (/s) in MS and HS - when the same ("I think I'm) "cool" moms try to live vicariously through their daughters, and micromanage the social calendar. Consider yourself warned.

Omg the number of moms I see who post pictures of their daughters’ social events, boyfriends, etc etc blows my mind. They are nutso.

Omg the number of people posting a picture of what they are eating for dinner blows my mind.

In other words, I don’t see how posting pictures of your kids and friends is any worse, or offensive, or “nutso” than the tons of other stuff people post.

Call me crazy, but I don't think a slice of pizza is having its privacy violated when you post a picture of it.

Ha, gotta love the posters who see nothing wrong with posting all about their kids’ and their own social lives on social media. I am understanding now that they really don’t know that other people think they are sad little insecure people. And that they probably think that those of us who don’t post don’t have social lives. 😂

Maybe they have their permission. You don’t know, so why the snark? I’m not on social media, but if you are- you should stop taking what others post personally or get off.

It doesn’t matter if you have their permission. Why do you need to share about your private social plans with people who weren’t there?? Why can’t you just share with the people who were there, the ones you cared to include?

I don’t and I don’t care if others do or don’t. Their intention is to share pictures of themselves/kids having a good time. If you are bothered by seeing that, move along.

You say you don't care but seem really intent on defending this unnecessary practice that does affect other people. No matter how many times you tell them to look away. What's it to you if people want to vent about it? If you're not actively doing it they're not talking about you.

It’s a delusion. There is no “mom clique.” So what exactly does OP “hate”? That sometimes people get together without her? Grow up

Why do you care if people like OP think the over sharers are jerks?

She posted on an anonymous board for comments. So…that’s how it works

Exactly. And many agree with OP but people are chiming in to say just look away. So people are commenting on that as well. If people can ask why OP cares about any of this, then the social media defenders can be questioned as well. I think the social media defenders don't like the idea that people are judging them for what they post.

You are questioning people for simply replying to the post- which is the whole purpose of starting a thread here- to get replies

I'm asking a question. Which is also a form of reply. Why don't you just answer the question? Why do you care if people like OP can't stand the mom clique people posting kindergarten play dates? What's with the "grow up" answers? Why don't these people explain what they get out of sharing to family and friends flung far and wide pics from an exclusive kindergarten play date? Distant family surely don't care about kids they don't know. But your classmates parents might wonder why they weren't invited. The "Grow up" or "don't look" posters aren't being helpful or insightful whatsoever with their pithy comments.

The problem is you. You view it as an exclusive play date. They view it as their kids and friends going out and having fun.

OP's kid was their kids' friend. End of the year gatherings usually involve inviting your child's regular friends (not all the kids in the class.) To not invite this child seems strange.

That is OP’s interpretation. Surely there are other regular friends that weren’t there as well, whatever that means. I assure you these girls aren’t doing everything together, always, anytime there is a gathering. This is normal and acceptable and not mean

I mean, I trust OP more to describe an event that happened in her own life than you. She says this was a group of girls her DD hung out with all year, and that her DD was the only member of the group not invited. If that's what she says, I believe her.

Also, a big issue with these conversations is how "mean" is defined. I don't think these women got together and decided "let's do something fun for the girls on the last day of school, but let's make sure not to invite Larla because her mom isn't part of our crew." I don't think OP thinks that's what happened either. She doesn't even use the term "mean". She's just saying it sucks because these moms are all friendly with each other and not necessarily with her (note she doesn't complain about this, it' just how it is) and as a result, her DD got left out of a fun activity with them.

OP's whole complaint is that at this age, kids rely mostly on their parents for arranging social engagements outside school, which means OP not being buddies with these women is a liability for her daughter.

It would have been nice for one of these women to think "hey the girls have been spending a lot of time with Larla this year, let's invite her -- I know we don't know her mom very well but this more for the girls." It's not necessarily mean NOT to do this, but it would have been the inclusive thing to do. For the record, it's what I'd probably do in that situation.

You are reading a bunch of nastiness into OP's post that isn't there. She's just saying the dynamic is a bummer. And it is, specifically for her daughter, who was left out of something her friends did only because of the social dynamics of the adults.

Not reading any nastiness into OP. Just pointing out OP has no idea about the social lives of other girls. And whom they get together with and when. Just because her daughter plays with them sometimes, in way obligates the parents to invite her every time. They all have social lives outside of her daughter. There is no group. These are all individuals and they are not bound to each other

We're talking about kindergarteners here. I actually think OP probably has a relatively good sense of the social lives of these kids -- their lives are very regimented and they are together in school all day.

I am betting if all these kids were in soccer together and not with OP's DD, and she saw something about a post-soccer get together, she wouldn't think anything of it. I think the issue was that this was a group her DD hung out with at school all year, and they all celebrated the end of school together but didn't invite her DD. That's all.

As kids get older, there is a lot more about social dynamics that parents don't know, and kids aren't necessarily in the same classroom all day plus activities become more significant. But at kindergarten, you basically know, especially in this specific situation.

It's okay for OP to feel bad about it.

Maybe they see each other a lot more than than see OPs daughter. Maybe the girls and the moms just don’t feel a strong connection with OP and her DD. It doesn’t really matter. The point is, it is simply a gathering a friends. It doesn’t make them a clique bc they didn’t invite you and you feel you are entitled to be there. It isn’t exclusive since OPs daughter sometimes plays with them outside of school. But maybe other kids do too and they weren’t there either.

You have no idea if this is a clique or not. Your defense of this is bizarre.

Neither does OP. When her daughter is included it is a group of friends, when she’s not, it’s a clique.

The difference is simply if you feel entitled to be a part of something and aren’t, then it gets labeled a clique

What you call "entitlement" may simply have been a feeling of belonging. Everybody likes to belong and few people like being confronted with the evidence that they don't belong or were excluded. It's better to be inclusive than exclusive. If you're keeping your group small and private you should also not blast it on social media or things like this happen. It used to be common manners to not talk to people about parties they weren't invited to now people do the opposite because hurt feelings are a natural byproduct to those left out.

all the bolded. I know we can't "police people's social media" but we can certainly start calling out this behavior so that it's not as common.

Guarantee OP knows these moms post a lot of pictures on social media and wouldn’t have cared about the poor manners of it, had her daughter also been in the picture.

Yes. Is this truly the first time all year they’ve posted pics? OP’s kid has been getting together with these kids all year but this is the first photo drop on FB? I’m guessing posting on social media wasn’t a problem of bad manners when OP’s kid was in the photo.

THIS THIS THIS.

Again, OP is jealous. It's not about social media, it's not even about her kid. It's about her. She is sad she's not a cool mom.

lol no one cool is posting on social media in 2025

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It probably was unintentional. The 5 moms are good friends and just decided to have this get-together.

No it wasn’t. It was a small group of friends over the year, it wasn’t like 20 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have the playdate! You can’t get upset about this sort of thing. Five kindergarteners is a lot. Smaller gatherings are okay. There is probably a sixth girl feeling left out too.

And for goodness sake get off social media.

+1. It's possible they're just closer as adults and wanted to get together. It may be that if they felt like they invited your DD then they needed to invite 2 more, or all of the girls in the class, or whatever. The line gets drawn somewhere. And yes, maybe they're even jerks. Let it go, avoid on social media if it makes you upset, and do the big-tent playdate if you want to this summer. It's only as big of a deal as you make it in your own head.

- Mom who is definitely not in the inner circle of the "cool moms" and sometimes gets a little FOMO about it, but have done a pretty good job of just getting on with things and treating others the way I'd want to be treated

Good advice. OP, not sure if this will make you feel better or worse, but no one is 100% inclusive. Even you. We constantly have to make decisions about who to invite. Did you host every girl from your daughter’s class over the school year? Are you planning on inviting every girl from the class over this summer? If not, there was probably a girl on the fringe who felt left out. Social media makes these occurrences seem personal, but before social media we were all regularly being excluded from some activity or another, we just didn’t know about it.

You will be very unhappy for the next 10 years of school if you perseverate on the injustice of the social dynamics among moms. By middle school, kids exercise more choice in their friends, so you can look forward to that.

Some do a better job than others. In elementary school we had an early day once a month. I’d invite all the girls in my daughter’s class to come over or we’d go somewhere fun. It was a small class probably about 7 girls. One mother refused to let her daughter come because the class bully would come. The girls didn’t usually hang out together but they all got along great when we went out.

We also invited the whole class plus others to birthday parties. It’s not difficult if you rent a venue and hire help. We rented a roller skating rink right after school before they opened the public for example. I do think it’s the mothers who can be insensitive. Who cares which mothers you like? It’s a play date about the children.