I hate Mom Cliques

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD just had her last day of K and I just found out ( bc one of DD’s friend moms posted pics on Facebook) that the moms of the group of 4 or 5 girls that DD became good friends with from her class arranged an after school get together with all the girls except for my daughter. And there’s no other reason I can find for this other than the fact that I’m not part of the Mom clique. I’ve arranged lots of play dates with these girls over the year and DD has been invited over to most of their houses as well, so I don’t think it’s a matter of them unintentionally excluding her.

It just makes me so mad and I can’t wait until DD is old enough to where the Moms aren’t so influential and involved in the social lives of their kids. Thank god DD is still clueless to these kinds of things, but I know that won’t last forever too. It just makes me feel terrible because she has been talking about having these girls over for a group playdate this summer and she’s clueless to the fact that she’s getting left out by the Moms.

I am sorry. I’ve felt this way too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It probably was unintentional. The 5 moms are good friends and just decided to have this get-together.

So don't post it all over Facebook. Again, that's what's causing the bad feelings. Otherwise nobody would know. But, no, mean moms needed the likes and validation that they aren't friendless losers. Look at us!

So don’t look at Facebook, if it affects you so much.

I'm not the OP. OP was upset by it and these threads occur all the time. If you're posting your intimate get togethers know that those you didn't invite may have feelings about it.

I’m not the OP AND I’m not on Facebook but I agree. Posting pictures like this publicly or where anyone not in the group can see is incredibly low class. Akin to talking about an event in front of other people. It’s poor manners and mind blowing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate it too but just FYI these moms are still pulling this crap in 6th grade.

I feel it in sixth grade too. Glad my child is almost out.

Just have the play date. Your daughter wants to have friends over. It is for her, not you. Be friendly of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have the playdate! You can’t get upset about this sort of thing. Five kindergarteners is a lot. Smaller gatherings are okay. There is probably a sixth girl feeling left out too.

And for goodness sake get off social media.

+1. It's possible they're just closer as adults and wanted to get together. It may be that if they felt like they invited your DD then they needed to invite 2 more, or all of the girls in the class, or whatever. The line gets drawn somewhere. And yes, maybe they're even jerks. Let it go, avoid on social media if it makes you upset, and do the big-tent playdate if you want to this summer. It's only as big of a deal as you make it in your own head.

- Mom who is definitely not in the inner circle of the "cool moms" and sometimes gets a little FOMO about it, but have done a pretty good job of just getting on with things and treating others the way I'd want to be treated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It probably was unintentional. The 5 moms are good friends and just decided to have this get-together.

I doubt it was unintentional. Sounds like OP’s kid has been in the mix all year with the other girls and this graduation is for the kids. So the normal, polite thing parents trying to raise good kids do is invite her. If these moms want an exclusive time out with good friends they should go out for drinks.

OP I’ve been there and DD is going into middle school and the same moms are still trying to push their kids together. It gets more pathetic every year. Best advice is to look for your own mom friends and also let your DD expand her circle a bit.

It gets bad in upper elementary and beyond when girls don't want to be friends with the girls their moms have been forcing them to hang out with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have the playdate! You can’t get upset about this sort of thing. Five kindergarteners is a lot. Smaller gatherings are okay. There is probably a sixth girl feeling left out too.

And for goodness sake get off social media.

+1. It's possible they're just closer as adults and wanted to get together. It may be that if they felt like they invited your DD then they needed to invite 2 more, or all of the girls in the class, or whatever. The line gets drawn somewhere. And yes, maybe they're even jerks. Let it go, avoid on social media if it makes you upset, and do the big-tent playdate if you want to this summer. It's only as big of a deal as you make it in your own head.

- Mom who is definitely not in the inner circle of the "cool moms" and sometimes gets a little FOMO about it, but have done a pretty good job of just getting on with things and treating others the way I'd want to be treated

It's not that they got together. It's that they needed to let everyone know "Hey we got together!" And if this was the first clue that they were tactless boors, now OP knows and can block as needed. But it's hard to look away from something you weren't expecting. These were newish friends. Now she knows.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you never posted your DD’s playdate or party pics on FB?

Are all of the playdates you host for all of the girls in the class? If not, why not? Surely there are other girls who feel excluded that these “4 or 5 girls” are getting together without them.

I am asking these pointed questions bc OP seems like the kind of person who is fine with cliques as long as she is on the inside, but decries them when she is not.

[Anonymous]

Yes, this is the nature of cliques -- the people in them love them and to everyone else they are an annoyance (at best) or actually hurtful (at worst). I think it's especially tough with kids because if your child is left out because you are outside the clique, you are apt to feel guilty even thought you didn't do anything wrong.

It's tough but it happens. I remind myself that I am not a fan of cliques even when I am invited, as I prefer to socialize with friends one on one and don't do amazingly with group dynamics -- I have never really enjoyed hanging out in groups of 4-10 women, not even when I was in high school or college and this is who women often hung out. One of the nice things about adulthood to me has been the ability to maintain friendships without being part of some kind of clique, which I find simplifies friendships and cuts down on drama and hurt feelings.

So even when a clique makes me feel a little excluded, I recall that I don't really do well inside cliques, and that helps with the hurt feelings.

It doesn't help with my kid, though. That aspect sucks and I wish women wouldn't form these cliques via school groups for this reason -- it imposes these dynamics on kids who should really have more freedom to form their own friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, this is the nature of cliques -- the people in them love them and to everyone else they are an annoyance (at best) or actually hurtful (at worst). I think it's especially tough with kids because if your child is left out because you are outside the clique, you are apt to feel guilty even thought you didn't do anything wrong.

It's tough but it happens. I remind myself that I am not a fan of cliques even when I am invited, as I prefer to socialize with friends one on one and don't do amazingly with group dynamics -- I have never really enjoyed hanging out in groups of 4-10 women, not even when I was in high school or college and this is who women often hung out. One of the nice things about adulthood to me has been the ability to maintain friendships without being part of some kind of clique, which I find simplifies friendships and cuts down on drama and hurt feelings.

So even when a clique makes me feel a little excluded, I recall that I don't really do well inside cliques, and that helps with the hurt feelings.

It doesn't help with my kid, though. That aspect sucks and I wish women wouldn't form these cliques via school groups for this reason -- it imposes these dynamics on kids who should really have more freedom to form their own friendships.

This is a great way of framing it, and true for me (a PP) as well although I'm not sure I ever realized it. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

I'm so tired of grown women being whiny about stuff like this. Grow up, OP!!! You're never going to be friends with everyone. Sorrynotsorry that this group of women has become close over the course of the year and wanted to have a small get together for themselves and their girls. Sorrynotsorry that they don't like you enough to include you. Get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so tired of grown women being whiny about stuff like this. Grow up, OP!!! You're never going to be friends with everyone. Sorrynotsorry that this group of women has become close over the course of the year and wanted to have a small get together for themselves and their girls. Sorrynotsorry that they don't like you enough to include you. Get over it.

Are you 12? Sorry not sorry is 3 words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so tired of grown women being whiny about stuff like this. Grow up, OP!!! You're never going to be friends with everyone. Sorrynotsorry that this group of women has become close over the course of the year and wanted to have a small get together for themselves and their girls. Sorrynotsorry that they don't like you enough to include you. Get over it.

Are you an adult? You sound 12.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so tired of grown women being whiny about stuff like this. Grow up, OP!!! You're never going to be friends with everyone. Sorrynotsorry that this group of women has become close over the course of the year and wanted to have a small get together for themselves and their girls. Sorrynotsorry that they don't like you enough to include you. Get over it.

Are you an adult? You sound 12.

It sounds like someone who has invested a lot of time and social capital in cultivating her young child's friend group and she'll be damned if anyone attempts to upset the delicate balance. As has been noted many times before, by middle school kids will subvert their parents' attempts to engineer their social life, and in high school it's utterly out of your hands. Then they grow up and marry someone you don't approve of at all!

I find that people with 1 child are more into engineering friendships and forming mom cliques and are more upset when left out. Mostly because they have more time for all the BS, but also because the stakes are so high for parents of onlies. It's their one shot! Have another kid and then you don't need to engineer it so much.

[Anonymous]

I’ve lived in the same neighborhood since my two DDs were babies and they go to our neighborhood elementary / middle school. So there is A LOT of overlap between kids friendships, classmates, siblings of friends, my friends and neigbors, their kids, etc.

There is no way to include everyone on everything. I deal with this by not putting anything on facebook, but I know not everyone does this. I get feeling left out from the facebook photos, but this will happen frequently going forward, and you will also inadvertently make others feel left out too.

The best course is to not take it personally and maybe stay off facebook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have the playdate! You can’t get upset about this sort of thing. Five kindergarteners is a lot. Smaller gatherings are okay. There is probably a sixth girl feeling left out too.

And for goodness sake get off social media.

+1. If you are susceptible to feelings of FOMO the best thing you can do for yourself is to get off social media or at the very least mute your “mom friends”

This.

And how many girls are in the class? It’s K, most kids play together and there are probably several other girls not invited. Maybe these girls were the ones your daughter played with most, but they also played with several other kids.