Lost It, Said Things I Can’t Take Back

[Anonymous]

I do watch Succession and there are some things that I see in her with Shiv. She isn’t entitled like Shiv, just very angry and I would say emotionally manipulative (like Shiv).

What led to the yelling was we were talking about a HS friend, Larla, and DD mentioned she now has a serious BF. I know Larla bc the kids grew up together and her parents still live down the street. I said, “oh, right, I saw Larla’s mom the other day, and she mentioned Larla has a BF and they are coming to stay for a week.” DD started saying why was I up in everyone’s business. I explained we literally ran into each other walking the dogs, which happens on occasion, and we usually stop and chat for a few min., and she happened to mention Larla’s BF and their visit. I didn’t ask for info, the mom volunteered it. She then backtracked to a time when a kid had party at her house when the kids were 14 or 15. I heard the parents were away. I said DD couldn’t go unless there was an adult there. Some kid got really drunk and the kids ended up terrified and called an ambulance, and no there were no adults. I didn’t rub it in her face, I didn’t even say anything about it to her about it. Then it pingponged to other things, like the time she was a boyfriend at 16 and I said bedroom and family room doors have to remain open when he visits. Basically I think she has a problem with any boundaries we set, and is under the impression good parents set none because good parents let their kids do whatever they want.

I don’t get it. The other kids might grumble about boundaries we set, but they never flipped out or held grudges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shiv?

LOL

[Anonymous]

OP: Your daughter needs to see a therapist in order to be able to discover and to release whatever emotions are causing her to feel such anger.

My best guess is that your daughter does not like herself and that your daughter does not like her life.

[Anonymous]

What were the horrible insulting things she said?

[Anonymous]

It is remarkable how much you do not want to answer the question about what horrible things she said.

https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't think what you said was that horrible, in light of what she'd been saying to you. I had a difficult relationship with my mom and would never in a million years dream of saying what she did to you. She needs to cool down and reflect on what she said/did. You both could use some distance and cooling off.

This. Parents are allowed to be human and snap back when their children berate them.

Children are allowed to be human and snap back when their parents berate them.

When did OP berate her daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is remarkable how much you do not want to answer the question about what horrible things she said.

https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

You are describing topics, but not explaining what she said in the course of discussing these topics that was so horrible or insulting.

[Anonymous]

When my own mother told me how I should live my life as an adult, that was it. She doesn't want me doing certain things. She wants me doing other things. My life was not mine in her mind. It was her life. She was controlling and manipulative. She used money to try to control me. We don't speak. We don't see each other. She doesn't see her grandchildren. Our relationship has been destroyed. I'm absolutely sure that she feels like it's my fault but in reality, me living my own life was something that she wasn't able to accept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do watch Succession and there are some things that I see in her with Shiv. She isn’t entitled like Shiv, just very angry and I would say emotionally manipulative (like Shiv).

What led to the yelling was we were talking about a HS friend, Larla, and DD mentioned she now has a serious BF. I know Larla bc the kids grew up together and her parents still live down the street. I said, “oh, right, I saw Larla’s mom the other day, and she mentioned Larla has a BF and they are coming to stay for a week.” DD started saying why was I up in everyone’s business. I explained we literally ran into each other walking the dogs, which happens on occasion, and we usually stop and chat for a few min., and she happened to mention Larla’s BF and their visit. I didn’t ask for info, the mom volunteered it. She then backtracked to a time when a kid had party at her house when the kids were 14 or 15. I heard the parents were away. I said DD couldn’t go unless there was an adult there. Some kid got really drunk and the kids ended up terrified and called an ambulance, and no there were no adults. I didn’t rub it in her face, I didn’t even say anything about it to her about it. Then it pingponged to other things, like the time she was a boyfriend at 16 and I said bedroom and family room doors have to remain open when he visits. Basically I think she has a problem with any boundaries we set, and is under the impression good parents set none because good parents let their kids do whatever they want.

I don’t get it. The other kids might grumble about boundaries we set, but they never flipped out or held grudges.

Oh so you are a fight picker then you just go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.

Seriously you are an ADULT, get therapy. Learn to stop talking, learn to walk away, learn to communicate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shiv?

And OP is shiv's mom. Hmm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do watch Succession and there are some things that I see in her with Shiv. She isn’t entitled like Shiv, just very angry and I would say emotionally manipulative (like Shiv).

What led to the yelling was we were talking about a HS friend, Larla, and DD mentioned she now has a serious BF. I know Larla bc the kids grew up together and her parents still live down the street. I said, “oh, right, I saw Larla’s mom the other day, and she mentioned Larla has a BF and they are coming to stay for a week.” DD started saying why was I up in everyone’s business. I explained we literally ran into each other walking the dogs, which happens on occasion, and we usually stop and chat for a few min., and she happened to mention Larla’s BF and their visit. I didn’t ask for info, the mom volunteered it. She then backtracked to a time when a kid had party at her house when the kids were 14 or 15. I heard the parents were away. I said DD couldn’t go unless there was an adult there. Some kid got really drunk and the kids ended up terrified and called an ambulance, and no there were no adults. I didn’t rub it in her face, I didn’t even say anything about it to her about it. Then it pingponged to other things, like the time she was a boyfriend at 16 and I said bedroom and family room doors have to remain open when he visits. Basically I think she has a problem with any boundaries we set, and is under the impression good parents set none because good parents let their kids do whatever they want.

I don’t get it. The other kids might grumble about boundaries we set, but they never flipped out or held grudges.

This does not sound like the "horrible, insulting" things you mentioned in your first post. This is jsut basic adolescent whining. You ignore this. What she says "you're always in everybody's business" you DROP THE ROPE and just say "hmm" and then eventually say "I love you sweetie" and walk away while she tirades. She's just venting frustration. Now, is it weird at 22, yes. But it's most likely because she feels you've never really listened to her and you are arguing silly points like "I saw her while walking the dog". You don't need to counterpoint her every accusation. It's ok to just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and let it drop.

I also can't believe this conversation has led you to think you are done with your daughter. WTF. You need some therapy too, because if my mom threatened to never speak to me again because I was a little jerk one day, I would be emotionally unstable too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD said string of horrible, insulting things. Ignored ignored ignored until she said I was mentally ill, was so angry at the tirade of insults without thinking I said “how about you look in the mirror”

Yes I know I am horrible. I did say I shouldn’t have said that.

I think our relationship is just done, maybe one day it will be better but maybe not. I have to stop caring and go on with my life. If she hates me she hates me.

She is 22, not living with us. Says she wants nothing to do with us.

She had what I thought was a good childhood - family trips, summers in a cabin away from constant electronics, soccer, art classes, flute, parents who were around and engaged and cared, involved in school etc.

I don’t know what we did.

Young adults want an apology from their parents. This is reinforced in all the various social media messaging they got and a biproduct of the emphasis of mental health “wellness” messaging they were bombarded with. It has made them all more self-absorbed than a typical teenager in the past.

Their parents, meanwhile, want a thank you for all of the sacrifices they made and the difficulties of child rearing. And we’re fed up with the entitlement attitudes and general lack of appreciation. Ironically, we fostered that. But until they are in our shoes, they won’t appreciate it. And maybe not even then.

You are loggerheads. You aren’t the only ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to ask her to find new living arrangements.

NP why? It’s not like the kid is living with OP. What does the kid’s living arrangements have to do with anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD said string of horrible, insulting things. Ignored ignored ignored until she said I was mentally ill, was so angry at the tirade of insults without thinking I said “how about you look in the mirror”

Yes I know I am horrible. I did say I shouldn’t have said that.

I think our relationship is just done, maybe one day it will be better but maybe not. I have to stop caring and go on with my life. If she hates me she hates me.

She is 22, not living with us. Says she wants nothing to do with us.

She had what I thought was a good childhood - family trips, summers in a cabin away from constant electronics, soccer, art classes, flute, parents who were around and engaged and cared, involved in school etc.

I don’t know what we did.

Young adults want an apology from their parents. This is reinforced in all the various social media messaging they got and a biproduct of the emphasis of mental health “wellness” messaging they were bombarded with. It has made them all more self-absorbed than a typical teenager in the past.

Their parents, meanwhile, want a thank you for all of the sacrifices they made and the difficulties of child rearing. And we’re fed up with the entitlement attitudes and general lack of appreciation. Ironically, we fostered that. But until they are in our shoes, they won’t appreciate it. And maybe not even then.

You are loggerheads. You aren’t the only ones.

I pity your kids, have no doubt you are a monstrously controlling parent. Hope they estrange from you and you can choke on it the rest of your poor me life. YOU CHOSE TO HAVE KIDS, YOU DO NOT DESERVE THANKS FOR IMPOSING YOURSELF UPON THEM WITH ALL YOUR TOXIC UNRESOLVED GARBAGE THAT YOU INFLICTED ON THEM.

Parents SHOULD acknowledge and apologize for the damage they do to their children. Period. They do not deserve nor should they expect gratitude for anything they did as far as parenting from conception to age 18 - that was the obligation they freely chose. Children don’t get to choose. I know many children who wish they could have. I know many children whose lives have been agony and who would much have preferred not to have been born.

So sick of entitled breeders who want a medal for abusing their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD said string of horrible, insulting things. Ignored ignored ignored until she said I was mentally ill, was so angry at the tirade of insults without thinking I said “how about you look in the mirror”

Yes I know I am horrible. I did say I shouldn’t have said that.

I think our relationship is just done, maybe one day it will be better but maybe not. I have to stop caring and go on with my life. If she hates me she hates me.

She is 22, not living with us. Says she wants nothing to do with us.

She had what I thought was a good childhood - family trips, summers in a cabin away from constant electronics, soccer, art classes, flute, parents who were around and engaged and cared, involved in school etc.

I don’t know what we did.

Young adults want an apology from their parents. This is reinforced in all the various social media messaging they got and a biproduct of the emphasis of mental health “wellness” messaging they were bombarded with. It has made them all more self-absorbed than a typical teenager in the past.

Their parents, meanwhile, want a thank you for all of the sacrifices they made and the difficulties of child rearing. And we’re fed up with the entitlement attitudes and general lack of appreciation. Ironically, we fostered that. But until they are in our shoes, they won’t appreciate it. And maybe not even then.

You are loggerheads. You aren’t the only ones.

I pity your kids, have no doubt you are a monstrously controlling parent. Hope they estrange from you and you can choke on it the rest of your poor me life. YOU CHOSE TO HAVE KIDS, YOU DO NOT DESERVE THANKS FOR IMPOSING YOURSELF UPON THEM WITH ALL YOUR TOXIC UNRESOLVED GARBAGE THAT YOU INFLICTED ON THEM.

Parents SHOULD acknowledge and apologize for the damage they do to their children. Period. They do not deserve nor should they expect gratitude for anything they did as far as parenting from conception to age 18 - that was the obligation they freely chose. Children don’t get to choose. I know many children who wish they could have. I know many children whose lives have been agony and who would much have preferred not to have been born.

So sick of entitled breeders who want a medal for abusing their kids.

You sound a little unhinged and are doing a lot of projection. I was describing a societal phenomenon, not my own circumstances. If that triggers you so radically, maybe you should seek mental health care. I don’t mean that unkindly.