Lost It, Said Things I Can’t Take Back

[Anonymous]

Social media is nuts. One of my kids got criticism from a teacher. When I backed it (I saw the work, she deserved criticism) she went on and on about how the teacher was sexist and that’s why she got negative feedback, how dare he, etc.

I am “toxic” because I don’t “take her side and show her support.”

To be clear, I praised what was excellent about her work on this project and agreed with the teacher with what could be better. She asked for my opinion, I didn’t give it unsolicited. She was pleased with my feedback until it didn’t meet what she wanted me to say.

I wasn’t nasty, I didn’t put her down. I thoughts parts were very well done. She simply got mad that i agreed with the teacher and she started screaming how toxic I was.

By the way she is not 8, she is an 18 year old rising college freshman. I worry what she is going to be like in college and beyond.

The next day she told me “everyone” agrees with her. Apparently she posted something on social media for feedback. As “proof” she showed me. I am a terrible, toxic parent that should be cut out of her life. I am shockingly unsupportive which means I am working out my issues on her. I am mentally ill—- most likely borderline personality.

Honestly, WTF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Social media is nuts. One of my kids got criticism from a teacher. When I backed it (I saw the work, she deserved criticism) she went on and on about how the teacher was sexist and that’s why she got negative feedback, how dare he, etc.

I am “toxic” because I don’t “take her side and show her support.”

To be clear, I praised what was excellent about her work on this project and agreed with the teacher with what could be better. She asked for my opinion, I didn’t give it unsolicited. She was pleased with my feedback until it didn’t meet what she wanted me to say.

I wasn’t nasty, I didn’t put her down. I thoughts parts were very well done. She simply got mad that i agreed with the teacher and she started screaming how toxic I was.

By the way she is not 8, she is an 18 year old rising college freshman. I worry what she is going to be like in college and beyond.

The next day she told me “everyone” agrees with her. Apparently she posted something on social media for feedback. As “proof” she showed me. I am a terrible, toxic parent that should be cut out of her life. I am shockingly unsupportive which means I am working out my issues on her. I am mentally ill—- most likely borderline personality.

Honestly, WTF.

+1

Your daughter is really behind the times, she needs a social media coach. Everyone has a “narc” parent these days, not BPD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"can't take back" ... OP, you are being too concerned. Too dramatic. Likely too, you are triggered too easily. Too much togetherness. Give your DD lots of space and both of you need to dial-back the intensity of your relationship, time spent together, and much less talking.

This is your answer. Please do not seek family therapy with your 22 yo daughter. Please get some space. If she shows up at your house, smile, be cordial, be kind even. But quickly find something else to do and somewhere else to be. Do not engage in too much conversation and keep your interactions very brief and very light. Respond to things she says with “hmm” or “that’s interesting”. Do this for the next 3-6 months and you will no longer have this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to ask her to find new living arrangements.

Reading is fundemental. Op's dd isn't living with her.

[Anonymous]

Young women are prone to social contagion, including toxic, anti-family behavior. You probably put her into bad environments, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Social media is nuts. One of my kids got criticism from a teacher. When I backed it (I saw the work, she deserved criticism) she went on and on about how the teacher was sexist and that’s why she got negative feedback, how dare he, etc.

I am “toxic” because I don’t “take her side and show her support.”

To be clear, I praised what was excellent about her work on this project and agreed with the teacher with what could be better. She asked for my opinion, I didn’t give it unsolicited. She was pleased with my feedback until it didn’t meet what she wanted me to say.

I wasn’t nasty, I didn’t put her down. I thoughts parts were very well done. She simply got mad that i agreed with the teacher and she started screaming how toxic I was.

By the way she is not 8, she is an 18 year old rising college freshman. I worry what she is going to be like in college and beyond.

The next day she told me “everyone” agrees with her. Apparently she posted something on social media for feedback. As “proof” she showed me. I am a terrible, toxic parent that should be cut out of her life. I am shockingly unsupportive which means I am working out my issues on her. I am mentally ill—- most likely borderline personality.

Honestly, WTF.

Well, she is 18, nobody is chaining her to a toxic mother. She can move out tomorrow, support herself and fund her own college education and so on. Since the social media consensus is that you deserve to be cut out of her life, maybe she should follow the advice of total strangers and take her life in her own hands…. LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Social media is nuts. One of my kids got criticism from a teacher. When I backed it (I saw the work, she deserved criticism) she went on and on about how the teacher was sexist and that’s why she got negative feedback, how dare he, etc.

I am “toxic” because I don’t “take her side and show her support.”

To be clear, I praised what was excellent about her work on this project and agreed with the teacher with what could be better. She asked for my opinion, I didn’t give it unsolicited. She was pleased with my feedback until it didn’t meet what she wanted me to say.

I wasn’t nasty, I didn’t put her down. I thoughts parts were very well done. She simply got mad that i agreed with the teacher and she started screaming how toxic I was.

By the way she is not 8, she is an 18 year old rising college freshman. I worry what she is going to be like in college and beyond.

The next day she told me “everyone” agrees with her. Apparently she posted something on social media for feedback. As “proof” she showed me. I am a terrible, toxic parent that should be cut out of her life. I am shockingly unsupportive which means I am working out my issues on her. I am mentally ill—- most likely borderline personality.

Honestly, WTF.

Well, she is 18, nobody is chaining her to a toxic mother. She can move out tomorrow, support herself and fund her own college education and so on. Since the social media consensus is that you deserve to be cut out of her life, maybe she should follow the advice of total strangers and take her life in her own hands…. LOL

Exactly. Maybe the people on the internet will help her support herself when one day she gets some honest feedback from her boss that she doesn't want to believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Young women are prone to social contagion, including toxic, anti-family behavior. You probably put her into bad environments, OP.

Young men are the same. Can we just say young people? Society is I'll. Public schools have a lot of ills.

[Anonymous]

Unless you have a child this age you can’t possibly understand. The messages, direction, and validation they get from complete strangers is frightening.

It is definitely a form of social contagion. This is something parents discuss at school. We ALL can’t be toxic narcs and yet the story we all hear is the same.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are describing my sister except my sister is 56.
Divorced, her kids won't see her, lost her job, refuses to look for a job, etc..
She mines for conflict in conversations with family. It is a pattern and very hard to witness.
Your child may need some kind of help now while is still young enough to be receptive. Believe me, you do not want to be in your 80s seeing your child's life unravel because she cannot control herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think for now, the best thing you can do is to look at yourself and your own contributions to this dynamic.

My mom would describe my childhood the same way and she wouldn't be wrong. Except she was emotionally abusive. It wasn't the obvious emotional abuse yet it was manipulation, guilt tripping, controlling. I know I wasn't perfect and contributed to part of the reason she acted the way she did. I got a lot of therapy to help me deal with my issues.

I would recommend therapy for yourself. My mom started going about 3 years ago (not because of me, but because of my dad's death) and things between us are a lot better. Not great, but I can spend extended times with her without her blowing up at me.

Did you realize this as a child while it was happening or was it during therapy later?

[Anonymous]

It is not the always the parent. Sometimes it really can be the kid. My sister is similar to OP’s DD; I am not anything like that. We were raised in the same way and are even close in age.

I don’t know why my sister gets so angry and is so volatile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is perpetually angry. It’s not just directed at me, but when she unleashes it’s hard not to want to lash out back. She loses friends. She goes through relationships.

If you ask her she would say we were controlling because we didn’t allow them to do whatever they wanted as children. They had to check in to tell us where they were. We checked in with parents to make sure they were there. We required them to do their homework before watching TV etc.

My other children do not seem to have these issues with us thinking we are horrible parents.

I do think there is something wrong with her but she is 22 and she has to want to seek help.

OP look into eldest daughter syndrome and see if it applies. Might explain the anger.

[Anonymous]

Ha! This was bad? Clearly you’re not Italian

[Anonymous]

🤣