Lost It, Said Things I Can’t Take Back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I do want distance. You can only be told you are a horrible person and blamed for everything for so long. The stress possibly contributed to me having a TIA.

She doesn’t live with us but even though she hates us she comes home for periods of time. I think she wants us to tell her not to come home — like she is pushing and pushing to see how far she can until we snap.

I guess I felt bad especially because I do think she has issues and the way to deal with it is not to use it as a weapon, which I did not intend. I messed up but saying it like I did.

I have mentioned things to her before during calm periods about how it might be good to talk to someone or see a doctor for input. She always gets angry and shuts down the convo. I never used the words mentally ill.

I just feel terrible about my reaction and the “look in the mirror” comment. It is just a horrible thing to say. I did. apologize but I think I permanently changed our relationship, I saw something in her eyes.

And bashers feel free. There is nothing you could say to make me feel more horrible than I already do. And some of you are likely right.

We are not a household or just material things though. We spend time with the kids, show up for every event, host their friends, help out at school. Our other kids are very open with us and come to us with their problems and we help them.

DD is different, to my knowledge nothing happened like a traumatic event to put her on this path.

Could be as simple as untreated ADHD or ASD.

Has she been able to hold down a job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a growing and very vocal trend on social media (Reddit, Tiktok especially) that says, essentially, that if your parents don't agree with everything you say and read your mind all the time, then they're "narcissists" and "emotionally abusive" and you should cut ties or "grey rock" them. This mindset is causing serious harm in untold numbers of families. It's dangerous.

True. The internet influencers are pushing estrangement.
So if your adult kid is mentally disordered and wants to blame you for all their woes, they very well might.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh come on, OP. You feel bad for saying something far worse I think.

Did the argument come to a head when it started centering on mental illness?

Does she have some diagnoses from ages 0-18?

Now that she’s not a minor, getting her professional help could be difficult. She needs to want it and lead the charge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read everything. There is a natural desire to both rebel against and have a relationship with mom, so i don't what you said was enough for things to end for good. I endured many rounds of far worse from my mom who really was abusive and I kept going back.

That said, I do think you need to figure out why you were triggered. My teen says a lot to me that rolls off my back, but occasionally pushes a real button. (My mother installed and pushes every button she can).It helps me to explore why something upsets me.

The therapy and mental illness thing thing is often used to insult people, put them in their place. My mom used it a lot. I recall trying to respectfully address he tendency to hurl insults and she told me I was too sensitive and should "get therapy." I was not triggered. I told her I was getting therapy which I did not expect to make her EXPLODE into a paranoid rage. She wanted to know everything I said to the therapist about HER. I had started going because a college roommate and dear friend passed away and one of my kids had some struggles. She tried to demand the number of the therapist to give "her side." When we did focus on her it was mostly me just getting strategies to de-escalate and have a relationship with her without being emotionally drained.

+1

Had the same phenomenon with a male relative who is in the spectrum and bipolar. He devolve things into arguments and then personal attacks, and “you should see a therapist.”.

Whelp I already had $3k of a phd therapist for how to cope with them, set boundaries, protect the kids, outsource everything, and ignore them.

When I told them I already did that, he flipped out more, asked for the doctors name, wanted proof, etc. Pathetic.

Unf so many disorders are genetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a big problem. Anytime I set boundaries or responsibilities, my DD tells me I am abusive. If I tell her she can’t date until she is 16, I am a controlling helicopter parent who won’t let her life, and I am toxic. If I say she has to make her bed and take out the trash as a member of this household where everyone contributes, she thinks she should be paid. If I say she must finish her homework before watching TV, I don’t respect the way she works best (BTW, we tried it her way a couple of times and guess what happens…). She’s rude and I tell her I don’t like the way she is speaking to me; it’s not appropriate —and she tells me I am a terrible parent who doesn’t allow her freedom of speech. She was incredibly rude one day this year and told me she wishes I were dead, and broke something of mine on purpose. I told her she was grounded and not allowed to go to the school party that night. She said how dare I take away childhood memories she could make at the school party.

She is 13. She is getting all this from social media and other girls. She already tells me she hates me and can’t wait to cut me out of her life. OP’s daughter sounds like it was similar growing up.l have no doubt at 22 my DD will hate me too but I am still going to parent, set boundaries, expect respect, etc. Social media tells them their parents should allow them to do whatever they want with a smile and a gift or money in their hands. It’s more than entitlement, they want complete freedom, no responsibility, no accountability, all the while being showered with gifts.

If you disagree at all, you are abusive.

Ugh.

Meanwhile the dads are prancing around playing Good Cop or just neglecting everyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TikTok has created a generation that thinks being parented is “trauma.” I cannot wait until they have teens if their own.

They won't have kids.

Agree, they won’t. They’re too stunted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter (not adult) claims she is being abused because we take away her phone or take away privileges when she is obnoxious or doesn’t do her chores. She says it’s child labor when we ask her to do chores without paying her minimum wage.

That’s just stupid.

Is she at that fancy pants progressive private school in NW DC?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't think what you said was that horrible, in light of what she'd been saying to you. I had a difficult relationship with my mom and would never in a million years dream of saying what she did to you. She needs to cool down and reflect on what she said/did. You both could use some distance and cooling off.

Yeah. This. The fact that you think what you said to her was terrible (after she berated you) points to you probably having had a lot of trouble setting boundaries with her. That’s probably why she’s a brat.

You setting boundaries and doing “the 180” on her just might help to turn things around eventually. Good luck.

FYI “setting boundaries” is NOT making a request. It’s not saying Please don’t talk to me that way. And then more arguments continue and escalate into nastiness.

Setting boundaries is: If you continue to raise your voice and attempt to insult me, I will leave the room. We can speak again on the original topic if you wish, but with a 3rd party therapist. I will set the appointment.

And then you follow through.

[Anonymous]

Guys this thread is a year old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't think what you said was that horrible, in light of what she'd been saying to you. I had a difficult relationship with my mom and would never in a million years dream of saying what she did to you. She needs to cool down and reflect on what she said/did. You both could use some distance and cooling off.

Yeah. This. The fact that you think what you said to her was terrible (after she berated you) points to you probably having had a lot of trouble setting boundaries with her. That’s probably why she’s a brat.

You setting boundaries and doing “the 180” on her just might help to turn things around eventually. Good luck.

FYI “setting boundaries” is NOT making a request. It’s not saying Please don’t talk to me that way. And then more arguments continue and escalate into nastiness.

Setting boundaries is: If you continue to raise your voice and attempt to insult me, I will leave the room. We can speak again on the original topic if you wish, but with a 3rd party therapist. I will set the appointment.

And then you follow through.

Great point for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Your daughter needs to see a therapist in order to be able to discover and to release whatever emotions are causing her to feel such anger.

My best guess is that your daughter does not like herself and that your daughter does not like her life.

This is very perceptive.

Yes. New pp but I’m in my 40s now, but when I was in my 20s I hated myself and my life. I blamed my parents for all the choices that led me to my (very successful) adult life and for all my flaws. At one point I read an article on a classmate whose mom and her both worked for peace for America and I was enraged that my mom or dad not only didn’t do that but would have very strongly discouraged me if I wanted to do that. In reality, it’s true they seem to make their love conditional on me being a certain way and making certain choices. And that made me hate myself even more for going along with it. I don’t hate them anymore, but I can’t say I like them. Spending them with them is frustrating and I don’t particularly value any of their opinions on anything. I’ve gone a version of grey rock for decades. But I’m mostly happier now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Your daughter needs to see a therapist in order to be able to discover and to release whatever emotions are causing her to feel such anger.

My best guess is that your daughter does not like herself and that your daughter does not like her life.

This is very perceptive.

Yes. New pp but I’m in my 40s now, but when I was in my 20s I hated myself and my life. I blamed my parents for all the choices that led me to my (very successful) adult life and for all my flaws. At one point I read an article on a classmate whose mom and her both worked for peace for America and I was enraged that my mom or dad not only didn’t do that but would have very strongly discouraged me if I wanted to do that. In reality, it’s true they seem to make their love conditional on me being a certain way and making certain choices. And that made me hate myself even more for going along with it. I don’t hate them anymore, but I can’t say I like them. Spending them with them is frustrating and I don’t particularly value any of their opinions on anything. I’ve gone a version of grey rock for decades. But I’m mostly happier now.

So what exactly do you think they did wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Your daughter needs to see a therapist in order to be able to discover and to release whatever emotions are causing her to feel such anger.

My best guess is that your daughter does not like herself and that your daughter does not like her life.

This is very perceptive.

Yes. New pp but I’m in my 40s now, but when I was in my 20s I hated myself and my life. I blamed my parents for all the choices that led me to my (very successful) adult life and for all my flaws. At one point I read an article on a classmate whose mom and her both worked for peace for America and I was enraged that my mom or dad not only didn’t do that but would have very strongly discouraged me if I wanted to do that. In reality, it’s true they seem to make their love conditional on me being a certain way and making certain choices. And that made me hate myself even more for going along with it. I don’t hate them anymore, but I can’t say I like them. Spending them with them is frustrating and I don’t particularly value any of their opinions on anything. I’ve gone a version of grey rock for decades. But I’m mostly happier now.

So your parents would have told you to go to college and build a career around something more reliable and secure than hippie “Peace for America” NGOs?!?
And you hate them?

Gosh.

Imagine that honest, refreshing feedback.

Can’t wait to see how your kids turn out.

[Anonymous]

Peace for America is only some filler thing to do between ugrad and grad school.

If you dint want to work, learn in the job and make money there are tons of weird programs to do everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Your daughter needs to see a therapist in order to be able to discover and to release whatever emotions are causing her to feel such anger.

My best guess is that your daughter does not like herself and that your daughter does not like her life.

This is very perceptive.

Yes. New pp but I’m in my 40s now, but when I was in my 20s I hated myself and my life. I blamed my parents for all the choices that led me to my (very successful) adult life and for all my flaws. At one point I read an article on a classmate whose mom and her both worked for peace for America and I was enraged that my mom or dad not only didn’t do that but would have very strongly discouraged me if I wanted to do that. In reality, it’s true they seem to make their love conditional on me being a certain way and making certain choices. And that made me hate myself even more for going along with it. I don’t hate them anymore, but I can’t say I like them. Spending them with them is frustrating and I don’t particularly value any of their opinions on anything. I’ve gone a version of grey rock for decades. But I’m mostly happier now.

So your parents would have told you to go to college and build a career around something more reliable and secure than hippie “Peace for America” NGOs?!?
And you hate them?

Gosh.

Imagine that honest, refreshing feedback.

Can’t wait to see how your kids turn out.

Peace for America is a post college job, not a job instead of college. I went to a prestigious college, and so did the girl who worked for peace for American after college (she went to the same college as me, which is where I read her story in the alumni magazine). I imagine she went on to do great things after her stint at peace for America. I didn’t really have a point, just relating that a lot of my self hatred bled into my parents in my 20s, and I still don’t like my parrnts as people but don’t hate them anymore. There was no other point. You’d have to meet them to understand. Some personalities are just shitty. Maybe mine is too!