Lost It, Said Things I Can’t Take Back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Peace for America is only some filler thing to do between ugrad and grad school.

If you dint want to work, learn in the job and make money there are tons of weird programs to do everywhere.

This.

Friends and acquaintances that did one of the 1000s of Fulbright programs in random places or Peace for America were just avoiding real life and seeking out govt programs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is perpetually angry. It’s not just directed at me, but when she unleashes it’s hard not to want to lash out back. She loses friends. She goes through relationships.

If you ask her she would say we were controlling because we didn’t allow them to do whatever they wanted as children. They had to check in to tell us where they were. We checked in with parents to make sure they were there. We required them to do their homework before watching TV etc.

My other children do not seem to have these issues with us thinking we are horrible parents.

I do think there is something wrong with her but she is 22 and she has to want to seek help.

I recommend suggesting joint therapy. It can be online so you don’t have to be together. I doubt she will accept but you never know. I think people who think you must have been horrible haven’t experienced a teen or young adult boiling over with resentment for things like making sure their homework was done and then the other kids think you were fine. It’s deflecting. She is likely angry and anxious about a multitude of things and needs somewhere to direct it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s ridiculous. I know my 16 DD watches this crap on TikTok and claims I am endangering her mental health, being a bully, etc when I tell her she cannot do something (hang out with her friend who was just caught by his parents doing drugs, with money he stole from them). “It’s not your right to tell me what I can do and not do, I am my own person and it’s my body.” If I say “my house, my rules” she just claims I am holding money over her head.

LOL my teens claims I am denying their constitutional rights. LOL thanks MCPS.

I’m facing similar things. I don’t blame MCPS, but yes, I think there is A LOT of content out there that encourages an almost extreme victim mentality.

[Anonymous]

What you said wasn't that bad, actually, and probably true. Does she have issues she hasn't dealt with? "Look in the mirror" issues?
Look- I don't get this business of everyone's parent being the punching bag when there's plenty of behavioral issues the younger generation just will not take accountability for. Sometimes they just need to grow up and cannot deal with it.

You are allowed to stand up for yourself. Maybe counseling for the both of you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is perpetually angry. It’s not just directed at me, but when she unleashes it’s hard not to want to lash out back. She loses friends. She goes through relationships.

If you ask her she would say we were controlling because we didn’t allow them to do whatever they wanted as children. They had to check in to tell us where they were. We checked in with parents to make sure they were there. We required them to do their homework before watching TV etc.

My other children do not seem to have these issues with us thinking we are horrible parents.

I do think there is something wrong with her but she is 22 and she has to want to seek help.

Sounds like some distance would do you two some good. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, after all.

Agree. DD needs to see on her own that the issues she's having is her issue, not your issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD said string of horrible, insulting things. Ignored ignored ignored until she said I was mentally ill, was so angry at the tirade of insults without thinking I said “how about you look in the mirror”

Yes I know I am horrible. I did say I shouldn’t have said that.

I think our relationship is just done, maybe one day it will be better but maybe not. I have to stop caring and go on with my life. If she hates me she hates me.

She is 22, not living with us. Says she wants nothing to do with us.

She had what I thought was a good childhood - family trips, summers in a cabin away from constant electronics, soccer, art classes, flute, parents who were around and engaged and cared, involved in school etc.

I don’t know what we did.

Sounds just like what my horribly abusive and neglectful mother would have said.

[Anonymous]

Be honest to her that you blurted awful things while in a rage and you apologize for that. (Don’t comment that that’s exactly what she did too!) I would point out bluntly that if her words were chosen to hurt you then they achieved their purpose. Reiterate that you would like a better relationship with her and would be ready to take any steps to better help you understand her anger.

What is her relationship with her siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD said string of horrible, insulting things. Ignored ignored ignored until she said I was mentally ill, was so angry at the tirade of insults without thinking I said “how about you look in the mirror”

Yes I know I am horrible. I did say I shouldn’t have said that.

I think our relationship is just done, maybe one day it will be better but maybe not. I have to stop caring and go on with my life. If she hates me she hates me.

She is 22, not living with us. Says she wants nothing to do with us.

She had what I thought was a good childhood - family trips, summers in a cabin away from constant electronics, soccer, art classes, flute, parents who were around and engaged and cared, involved in school etc.

I don’t know what we did.

Sounds just like what my horribly abusive and neglectful mother would have said.

Maybe you are the one with the problem, like OP's daughter (?).

[Anonymous]

It usually comes down to someone wanting to control someone, even without them knowing it.

[Anonymous]

There's definitely a victim mentality amongst 20 somethings. I see it with my siblings. I really think a lot of how my friends and I changed once we had kids. There's a lot of introspection when you have your own kids. You realize your parents were doing their best and how HARD it is to be parents.

I also think a lot of parents confuse providing materially for their kids and providing emotionally. So many parents just say "I gave them food, shelter, toys" but miss the part about playing with your kids, sweet memories, not yelling, not being overly critical, unconditional love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's definitely a victim mentality amongst 20 somethings. I see it with my siblings. I really think a lot of how my friends and I changed once we had kids. There's a lot of introspection when you have your own kids. You realize your parents were doing their best and how HARD it is to be parents.

I also think a lot of parents confuse providing materially for their kids and providing emotionally. So many parents just say "I gave them food, shelter, toys" but miss the part about playing with your kids, sweet memories, not yelling, not being overly critical, unconditional love.

This seems to be a male view - send in your paycheck, a magic fairy buys the food, makes meals, figure out the clothes for the season or activity, and then ship them off to school for the day. Done! Easy peasy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's definitely a victim mentality amongst 20 somethings. I see it with my siblings. I really think a lot of how my friends and I changed once we had kids. There's a lot of introspection when you have your own kids. You realize your parents were doing their best and how HARD it is to be parents.

I also think a lot of parents confuse providing materially for their kids and providing emotionally. So many parents just say "I gave them food, shelter, toys" but miss the part about playing with your kids, sweet memories, not yelling, not being overly critical, unconditional love.

This seems to be a male view - send in your paycheck, a magic fairy buys the food, makes meals, figure out the clothes for the season or activity, and then ship them off to school for the day. Done! Easy peasy!

I was thinking mostly of moms when I said it. Moms are held to a much higher standard. My MiL always talks about how her mom didn’t read books to her and didn’t play. But her dad didn’t either and it doesn’t upset her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gen Z, particularly the girls, have weaponized mental health. Every difficulty or shortcoming in their lives is blamed on “trauma” inflicted upon them by their parents. It’s a way to not take any responsibility and it’s fracturing families.

+1. Too much validation for them on the internet, so they retreat into childhood and victimhood instead of growing and being excited about adulthood. It’s exhausting and frightening as a parent walking in eggshells for years hoping your fragile daughter doesn’t harm themselves.

Liberalism equals victim mentality and persecution complex . What do you
Expect?

I doubt conservative families have these problems with kids faking mental health issues . Religion puts fear of authority , fear of self harm, and humility in kids early . There’s a reason these things like Sunday school that we used to all think was pointless existed . My mother used to tell me I would go to a lake of fire if I ever insulted her or stole or did drugs and somehow I kept that programming into adulthood . You need to program the kids from early into complete submission. The last thing you want is for them to think for themselves too much .
Things have run amok so much at some point, child emancipation from parenthood will probably become legal .


This is how we end up with TikTok teen therapy and everyone’s parent being a malignant narcissist because they want them to not go to a party or drink at 14.

Tradition is the solution to a problem that has been gone for so long, that we forgot what the problem was. Remove the tradition, and the problem will return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I do want distance. You can only be told you are a horrible person and blamed for everything for so long. The stress possibly contributed to me having a TIA.

She doesn’t live with us but even though she hates us she comes home for periods of time. I think she wants us to tell her not to come home — like she is pushing and pushing to see how far she can until we snap.

I guess I felt bad especially because I do think she has issues and the way to deal with it is not to use it as a weapon, which I did not intend. I messed up but saying it like I did.

I have mentioned things to her before during calm periods about how it might be good to talk to someone or see a doctor for input. She always gets angry and shuts down the convo. I never used the words mentally ill.

I just feel terrible about my reaction and the “look in the mirror” comment. It is just a horrible thing to say. I did. apologize but I think I permanently changed our relationship, I saw something in her eyes.

And bashers feel free. There is nothing you could say to make me feel more horrible than I already do. And some of you are likely right.

We are not a household or just material things though. We spend time with the kids, show up for every event, host their friends, help out at school. Our other kids are very open with us and come to us with their problems and we help them.

DD is different, to my knowledge nothing happened like a traumatic event to put her on this path.

Don’t feel bad, DD does have issues and she pushed your buttons. Give your self space from her, hopefully time will heal and that she gets therapy. You already apologized, enough already- move on, be good to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I do want distance. You can only be told you are a horrible person and blamed for everything for so long. The stress possibly contributed to me having a TIA.

She doesn’t live with us but even though she hates us she comes home for periods of time. I think she wants us to tell her not to come home — like she is pushing and pushing to see how far she can until we snap.

I guess I felt bad especially because I do think she has issues and the way to deal with it is not to use it as a weapon, which I did not intend. I messed up but saying it like I did.

I have mentioned things to her before during calm periods about how it might be good to talk to someone or see a doctor for input. She always gets angry and shuts down the convo. I never used the words mentally ill.

I just feel terrible about my reaction and the “look in the mirror” comment. It is just a horrible thing to say. I did. apologize but I think I permanently changed our relationship, I saw something in her eyes.

And bashers feel free. There is nothing you could say to make me feel more horrible than I already do. And some of you are likely right.

We are not a household or just material things though. We spend time with the kids, show up for every event, host their friends, help out at school. Our other kids are very open with us and come to us with their problems and we help them.

DD is different, to my knowledge nothing happened like a traumatic event to put her on this path.

Don’t feel bad, DD does have issues and she pushed your buttons. Give your self space from her, hopefully time will heal and that she gets therapy. You already apologized, enough already- move on, be good to yourself.

It does sound like she has issues or maybe she and you are just "oil and water." I have a daughter like this--she and I just rub each other the wrong way. Always have. She's now 18 and we will have periods of time when we really get along but then it always combusts. I annoy her like nobody else and she has an uncanny ability to drive me nuts. I have two other kids and I've parented them the exact same way and we don't have 10% of the altercations or combustion that I have with this daughter. If anything, one of my other children has pushed boundaries more and we've laid the law down more firmly with this kid and yet it hasn't resulted in as much combustion. At almost a chemical level we just click better.