Lost It, Said Things I Can’t Take Back

[Anonymous]

Dear OP, Start saving for elder care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD said string of horrible, insulting things. Ignored ignored ignored until she said I was mentally ill, was so angry at the tirade of insults without thinking I said “how about you look in the mirror”

Yes I know I am horrible. I did say I shouldn’t have said that.

I think our relationship is just done, maybe one day it will be better but maybe not. I have to stop caring and go on with my life. If she hates me she hates me.

She is 22, not living with us. Says she wants nothing to do with us.

She had what I thought was a good childhood - family trips, summers in a cabin away from constant electronics, soccer, art classes, flute, parents who were around and engaged and cared, involved in school etc.

I don’t know what we did.

Young adults want an apology from their parents. This is reinforced in all the various social media messaging they got and a biproduct of the emphasis of mental health “wellness” messaging they were bombarded with. It has made them all more self-absorbed than a typical teenager in the past.

Their parents, meanwhile, want a thank you for all of the sacrifices they made and the difficulties of child rearing. And we’re fed up with the entitlement attitudes and general lack of appreciation. Ironically, we fostered that. But until they are in our shoes, they won’t appreciate it. And maybe not even then.

You are loggerheads. You aren’t the only ones.

I pity your kids, have no doubt you are a monstrously controlling parent. Hope they estrange from you and you can choke on it the rest of your poor me life. YOU CHOSE TO HAVE KIDS, YOU DO NOT DESERVE THANKS FOR IMPOSING YOURSELF UPON THEM WITH ALL YOUR TOXIC UNRESOLVED GARBAGE THAT YOU INFLICTED ON THEM.

Parents SHOULD acknowledge and apologize for the damage they do to their children. Period. They do not deserve nor should they expect gratitude for anything they did as far as parenting from conception to age 18 - that was the obligation they freely chose. Children don’t get to choose. I know many children who wish they could have. I know many children whose lives have been agony and who would much have preferred not to have been born.

So sick of entitled breeders who want a medal for abusing their kids.

You sound a little unhinged and are doing a lot of projection. I was describing a societal phenomenon, not my own circumstances. If that triggers you so radically, maybe you should seek mental health care. I don’t mean that unkindly.

I am perfectly rational and not unhinged. The fact that you would use such language leaves me no doubt as to your character and the experience endured by your kids. I pity them and will add them to my prayers.

Beyond growing up with toxic a holes who bred with abandon and inflicted all their dysfunction on us, I have spent my entire adult life as an advocate for abused kids in one fashion or another, including many years putting abusive ‘dads’ and ‘moms’ in prison and/or taking their kids away from them as a prosecutor representing the shocked conscience of the community.

Society hasn’t changed much at all, parents have been abusive for millennia. There is just now the indignation and fear of toxic a hole self absorbed abusive parents in a climate where kids are no longer silently enduring the abuse and the adult aftermath.

People are talking about their abusive parents and confronting their abusive parents and estranging from their abusive parents and shock! Parents who know they were toxic a holes to their kids are very, very uncomfortable with this new reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do watch Succession and there are some things that I see in her with Shiv. She isn’t entitled like Shiv, just very angry and I would say emotionally manipulative (like Shiv).

What led to the yelling was we were talking about a HS friend, Larla, and DD mentioned she now has a serious BF. I know Larla bc the kids grew up together and her parents still live down the street. I said, “oh, right, I saw Larla’s mom the other day, and she mentioned Larla has a BF and they are coming to stay for a week.” DD started saying why was I up in everyone’s business. I explained we literally ran into each other walking the dogs, which happens on occasion, and we usually stop and chat for a few min., and she happened to mention Larla’s BF and their visit. I didn’t ask for info, the mom volunteered it. She then backtracked to a time when a kid had party at her house when the kids were 14 or 15. I heard the parents were away. I said DD couldn’t go unless there was an adult there. Some kid got really drunk and the kids ended up terrified and called an ambulance, and no there were no adults. I didn’t rub it in her face, I didn’t even say anything about it to her about it. Then it pingponged to other things, like the time she was a boyfriend at 16 and I said bedroom and family room doors have to remain open when he visits. Basically I think she has a problem with any boundaries we set, and is under the impression good parents set none because good parents let their kids do whatever they want.

I don’t get it. The other kids might grumble about boundaries we set, but they never flipped out or held grudges.

Hmm. I view her as the voice of reason in that family!

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the comments but I don't think that "mentally ill" should be used as an insult like that. It seems like both OP and her daughter did that (but the daughter did it first so I blame her more).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD said string of horrible, insulting things. Ignored ignored ignored until she said I was mentally ill, was so angry at the tirade of insults without thinking I said “how about you look in the mirror”

Yes I know I am horrible. I did say I shouldn’t have said that.

I think our relationship is just done, maybe one day it will be better but maybe not. I have to stop caring and go on with my life. If she hates me she hates me.

She is 22, not living with us. Says she wants nothing to do with us.

She had what I thought was a good childhood - family trips, summers in a cabin away from constant electronics, soccer, art classes, flute, parents who were around and engaged and cared, involved in school etc.

I don’t know what we did.

Young adults want an apology from their parents. This is reinforced in all the various social media messaging they got and a biproduct of the emphasis of mental health “wellness” messaging they were bombarded with. It has made them all more self-absorbed than a typical teenager in the past.

Their parents, meanwhile, want a thank you for all of the sacrifices they made and the difficulties of child rearing. And we’re fed up with the entitlement attitudes and general lack of appreciation. Ironically, we fostered that. But until they are in our shoes, they won’t appreciate it. And maybe not even then.

You are loggerheads. You aren’t the only ones.

I pity your kids, have no doubt you are a monstrously controlling parent. Hope they estrange from you and you can choke on it the rest of your poor me life. YOU CHOSE TO HAVE KIDS, YOU DO NOT DESERVE THANKS FOR IMPOSING YOURSELF UPON THEM WITH ALL YOUR TOXIC UNRESOLVED GARBAGE THAT YOU INFLICTED ON THEM.

Parents SHOULD acknowledge and apologize for the damage they do to their children. Period. They do not deserve nor should they expect gratitude for anything they did as far as parenting from conception to age 18 - that was the obligation they freely chose. Children don’t get to choose. I know many children who wish they could have. I know many children whose lives have been agony and who would much have preferred not to have been born.

So sick of entitled breeders who want a medal for abusing their kids.

You sound a little unhinged and are doing a lot of projection. I was describing a societal phenomenon, not my own circumstances. If that triggers you so radically, maybe you should seek mental health care. I don’t mean that unkindly.

I am perfectly rational and not unhinged. The fact that you would use such language leaves me no doubt as to your character and the experience endured by your kids. I pity them and will add them to my prayers.

Beyond growing up with toxic a holes who bred with abandon and inflicted all their dysfunction on us, I have spent my entire adult life as an advocate for abused kids in one fashion or another, including many years putting abusive ‘dads’ and ‘moms’ in prison and/or taking their kids away from them as a prosecutor representing the shocked conscience of the community.

Society hasn’t changed much at all, parents have been abusive for millennia. There is just now the indignation and fear of toxic a hole self absorbed abusive parents in a climate where kids are no longer silently enduring the abuse and the adult aftermath.

People are talking about their abusive parents and confronting their abusive parents and estranging from their abusive parents and shock! Parents who know they were toxic a holes to their kids are very, very uncomfortable with this new reality.

Oh, sweetheart. You clearly have anger issues that you're projecting on me. Please seek help. Your worldview is not normal or healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD said string of horrible, insulting things. Ignored ignored ignored until she said I was mentally ill, was so angry at the tirade of insults without thinking I said “how about you look in the mirror”

Yes I know I am horrible. I did say I shouldn’t have said that.

I think our relationship is just done, maybe one day it will be better but maybe not. I have to stop caring and go on with my life. If she hates me she hates me.

She is 22, not living with us. Says she wants nothing to do with us.

She had what I thought was a good childhood - family trips, summers in a cabin away from constant electronics, soccer, art classes, flute, parents who were around and engaged and cared, involved in school etc.

I don’t know what we did.

Young adults want an apology from their parents. This is reinforced in all the various social media messaging they got and a biproduct of the emphasis of mental health “wellness” messaging they were bombarded with. It has made them all more self-absorbed than a typical teenager in the past.

Their parents, meanwhile, want a thank you for all of the sacrifices they made and the difficulties of child rearing. And we’re fed up with the entitlement attitudes and general lack of appreciation. Ironically, we fostered that. But until they are in our shoes, they won’t appreciate it. And maybe not even then.

You are loggerheads. You aren’t the only ones.

I pity your kids, have no doubt you are a monstrously controlling parent. Hope they estrange from you and you can choke on it the rest of your poor me life. YOU CHOSE TO HAVE KIDS, YOU DO NOT DESERVE THANKS FOR IMPOSING YOURSELF UPON THEM WITH ALL YOUR TOXIC UNRESOLVED GARBAGE THAT YOU INFLICTED ON THEM.

Parents SHOULD acknowledge and apologize for the damage they do to their children. Period. They do not deserve nor should they expect gratitude for anything they did as far as parenting from conception to age 18 - that was the obligation they freely chose. Children don’t get to choose. I know many children who wish they could have. I know many children whose lives have been agony and who would much have preferred not to have been born.

So sick of entitled breeders who want a medal for abusing their kids.

This is OP. I am very confused. I mentioned that I apologized and obviously feel bad about it. I also don’t understand the comment about me picking fights. DD brought up all those topics, not me. I just let her speak.

The horrible things she said to me are things like: you’re no good to anyone, why don’t you just die and such. I didn’t specific write these things because they are painful to do so. The other things were equally horrible. When I asked her to please speak to me with respect, and that no one deserves to be spoken to like that she told me I was mentally ill

[Anonymous]

I parented my single mom, who is diagnosed bipolar, through out my childhood. By many definitions, my childhood was...mentally tricky.

I would never say those things to my mom that OP's daughter said to her. That's quite extreme and out of bounds of normal behavior, even IF OP was a crap mom.

OP, I'm sorry. Take a break from the relationship, seek some help navigating it, and re-engage when/if you're ready.

[Anonymous]

"can't take back" ... OP, you are being too concerned. Too dramatic. Likely too, you are triggered too easily. Too much togetherness. Give your DD lots of space and both of you need to dial-back the intensity of your relationship, time spent together, and much less talking.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think what you said to her is that bad.

Parenting can be very Frustrating especially when you sincerely feel that you did all you could for your child.

I suggest you give her some time, then see if she is willing to go to a family therapist together.

[Anonymous]

There's a growing and very vocal trend on social media (Reddit, Tiktok especially) that says, essentially, that if your parents don't agree with everything you say and read your mind all the time, then they're "narcissists" and "emotionally abusive" and you should cut ties or "grey rock" them. This mindset is causing serious harm in untold numbers of families. It's dangerous.

[Anonymous]

OP, you didn’t do anything wrong. Your grown woman daughter is a brat so plan your future accordingly.

[Anonymous]

22 is young.

Send a brief apology for losing your temper.
Give her space.

Then reach out in minor ways. Send a link to website for something you both like shopping for, or movie or TV show that appeals to both your demos.

Invite her over or out for dinner with a family or friend that has someone her age.

Drop a card in mail for holidays.

Be patient.

[Anonymous]

Oh come on, OP. You feel bad for saying something far worse I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is remarkable how much you do not want to answer the question about what horrible things she said.

https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

You have already posted this link in other threads. Go away, kiddo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD said string of horrible, insulting things. Ignored ignored ignored until she said I was mentally ill, was so angry at the tirade of insults without thinking I said “how about you look in the mirror”

Yes I know I am horrible. I did say I shouldn’t have said that.

I think our relationship is just done, maybe one day it will be better but maybe not. I have to stop caring and go on with my life. If she hates me she hates me.

She is 22, not living with us. Says she wants nothing to do with us.

She had what I thought was a good childhood - family trips, summers in a cabin away from constant electronics, soccer, art classes, flute, parents who were around and engaged and cared, involved in school etc.

I don’t know what we did.

Young adults want an apology from their parents. This is reinforced in all the various social media messaging they got and a biproduct of the emphasis of mental health “wellness” messaging they were bombarded with. It has made them all more self-absorbed than a typical teenager in the past.

Their parents, meanwhile, want a thank you for all of the sacrifices they made and the difficulties of child rearing. And we’re fed up with the entitlement attitudes and general lack of appreciation. Ironically, we fostered that. But until they are in our shoes, they won’t appreciate it. And maybe not even then.

You are loggerheads. You aren’t the only ones.

I pity your kids, have no doubt you are a monstrously controlling parent. Hope they estrange from you and you can choke on it the rest of your poor me life. YOU CHOSE TO HAVE KIDS, YOU DO NOT DESERVE THANKS FOR IMPOSING YOURSELF UPON THEM WITH ALL YOUR TOXIC UNRESOLVED GARBAGE THAT YOU INFLICTED ON THEM.

Parents SHOULD acknowledge and apologize for the damage they do to their children. Period. They do not deserve nor should they expect gratitude for anything they did as far as parenting from conception to age 18 - that was the obligation they freely chose. Children don’t get to choose. I know many children who wish they could have. I know many children whose lives have been agony and who would much have preferred not to have been born.

So sick of entitled breeders who want a medal for abusing their kids.

You sound a little unhinged and are doing a lot of projection. I was describing a societal phenomenon, not my own circumstances. If that triggers you so radically, maybe you should seek mental health care. I don’t mean that unkindly.

I am perfectly rational and not unhinged. The fact that you would use such language leaves me no doubt as to your character and the experience endured by your kids. I pity them and will add them to my prayers.

Beyond growing up with toxic a holes who bred with abandon and inflicted all their dysfunction on us, I have spent my entire adult life as an advocate for abused kids in one fashion or another, including many years putting abusive ‘dads’ and ‘moms’ in prison and/or taking their kids away from them as a prosecutor representing the shocked conscience of the community.

Society hasn’t changed much at all, parents have been abusive for millennia. There is just now the indignation and fear of toxic a hole self absorbed abusive parents in a climate where kids are no longer silently enduring the abuse and the adult aftermath.

People are talking about their abusive parents and confronting their abusive parents and estranging from their abusive parents and shock! Parents who know they were toxic a holes to their kids are very, very uncomfortable with this new reality.

Prayers are not a substitute for meds. You need the latter, you are beyond prayers.