Lost It, Said Things I Can’t Take Back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is perpetually angry. It’s not just directed at me, but when she unleashes it’s hard not to want to lash out back. She loses friends. She goes through relationships.

If you ask her she would say we were controlling because we didn’t allow them to do whatever they wanted as children. They had to check in to tell us where they were. We checked in with parents to make sure they were there. We required them to do their homework before watching TV etc.

My other children do not seem to have these issues with us thinking we are horrible parents.

I do think there is something wrong with her but she is 22 and she has to want to seek help.

Sounds like some distance would do you two some good. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, after all.

[Anonymous]

OP, a sincere apology from you would do wonders to help your daughter calm down and release her anger. Not excuses, but an actual apology.

If you want to have a relationship with your daughter, that's my advice. You would also be giving her a gift, and she will likely end up having a better life, making better decisions, if she gets that from you.

If you love your daughter, that's something to consider.

[Anonymous]

I think I do want distance. You can only be told you are a horrible person and blamed for everything for so long. The stress possibly contributed to me having a TIA.

She doesn’t live with us but even though she hates us she comes home for periods of time. I think she wants us to tell her not to come home — like she is pushing and pushing to see how far she can until we snap.

I guess I felt bad especially because I do think she has issues and the way to deal with it is not to use it as a weapon, which I did not intend. I messed up but saying it like I did.

I have mentioned things to her before during calm periods about how it might be good to talk to someone or see a doctor for input. She always gets angry and shuts down the convo. I never used the words mentally ill.

I just feel terrible about my reaction and the “look in the mirror” comment. It is just a horrible thing to say. I did. apologize but I think I permanently changed our relationship, I saw something in her eyes.

And bashers feel free. There is nothing you could say to make me feel more horrible than I already do. And some of you are likely right.

We are not a household or just material things though. We spend time with the kids, show up for every event, host their friends, help out at school. Our other kids are very open with us and come to us with their problems and we help them.

DD is different, to my knowledge nothing happened like a traumatic event to put her on this path.

[Anonymous]

You sound very dramatic and overly involved. She needs a break. Live your own life and try to chill. She will be back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD said string of horrible, insulting things. Ignored ignored ignored until she said I was mentally ill, was so angry at the tirade of insults without thinking I said “how about you look in the mirror”

Yes I know I am horrible. I did say I shouldn’t have said that.

I think our relationship is just done, maybe one day it will be better but maybe not. I have to stop caring and go on with my life. If she hates me she hates me.

She is 22, not living with us. Says she wants nothing to do with us.

She had what I thought was a good childhood - family trips, summers in a cabin away from constant electronics, soccer, art classes, flute, parents who were around and engaged and cared, involved in school etc.

I don’t know what we did.

I don’t think you’re horrible. You are human. However, she will never forget that you said that. You are correct. You can’t unring a bell. It will likely impact the rest of your relationship with her, forever. The positive take away from this would be to learn that you have it in you to snap, and take this as a learning, lesson. In the future, best practice would be to remove yourself from the situation some people call it going to the balcony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound very dramatic and overly involved. She needs a break. Live your own life and try to chill. She will be back.

Yup. Ignore her. Go live your life. Let her get mad. Go on a vacation or a trip. Meet up with friends. Give her time to cool off and do not talk to her unless she apologizes. My DD tried to pull the same stuff on me one day. I told her that we can have disagreements, and she can make her own decisions and be comfortable in them. But my kids are not allowed to raise their voice when speaking to me. It is not a democracy in my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound very dramatic and overly involved. She needs a break. Live your own life and try to chill. She will be back.

Yup. Ignore her. Go live your life. Let her get mad. Go on a vacation or a trip. Meet up with friends. Give her time to cool off and do not talk to her unless she apologizes. My DD tried to pull the same stuff on me one day. I told her that we can have disagreements, and she can make her own decisions and be comfortable in them. But my kids are not allowed to raise their voice when speaking to me. It is not a democracy in my house.

Sounds like OP’s the mad one.

[Anonymous]

What led up to her calling you all these names? What happened before that?

[Anonymous]

All you said was “how about you look in the mirror”? That’s completely fine.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like she has some version of BPD or similar OP. It truly is difficult to be on the receiving end of a constant barrage of tirades. She needs help. She needs therapy and yes she is the only one who can do that for herself. In the meantime you need boundaries. Read up on BPD support and how to take care of yourself. You’re not wrong. You’re not horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is teen behavior, 22 is too old for this.

Not if the teen is on the spectrum. I have a 20 y.o. DD on the spectrum--high functioning but wow it can be rough. Her psychiatrist said that kids like this take a lot longer to develop emotionally so you'll see teen behavior in young 20-somethings. The good news is they turn the corner, but not as fast as a NT kid.
(I also have an 18 y.o. NT DD)

[Anonymous]

Only problem in a parent-child relationship is that you can't win because you love them, care about them and can't just abandon them. When they hurt, it hurts you. Its a war you lose when you become a parent.

[Anonymous]

Op, she is an adult and ideally (someday) you two will a relationship between equal adults. Equal adults do not insult-insult and then become surprised when the other person snaps.

What exactly IS there to argue about? I'm not sure what would cause two adults to turn ugly. First, if you are, stop relying on each other as confidents. If it's just getting on each other's nerves, then there is too much togetherness. If it's money and choices and how it's spent - you know the answer. She needs to (soon .. to make this better) be financially independent of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't think what you said was that horrible, in light of what she'd been saying to you. I had a difficult relationship with my mom and would never in a million years dream of saying what she did to you. She needs to cool down and reflect on what she said/did. You both could use some distance and cooling off.

This. Parents are allowed to be human and snap back when their children berate them.

Children are allowed to be human and snap back when their parents berate them.

Of course. And also apologize as OP did.

[Anonymous]

Shiv?