This is what happens....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to protect their estate from the estate recovery! This is all you can do I think.

Given how late it sounds like OP's parents are in the game here, it is probably too late for that.

Yes, and I tried much earlier. My aunt told my mother that I was trying to steal their money My mother was too afraid to make a change. My father had them invested in high risk. So stupid

They now have 7 grand left. 4 or which will go to taxes and HOA fees this month. They also need a new hot water heater. The good thing is they can quality for help when they have less than 2 grand in savings. None of this needed to happen. None.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the people screaming that our parents have the right to live as they choose, wake the F UP.

My parents refused to move. My sister lives with them and, I see now, enabled it so she could keep the roof over her head. Had they moved a few years ago, listened to reason,they would be sitting on easy street with over a mil in the bank, being able to hire caregivers, stay in the lovely home they downsized to.

What they have now: desperation, no money, incontinence, immobilization due to declining health, and destined for a state-run nursing home for one or both that will take their home through estate recovery. Even if one still lives there, if the other dies in nursing home on Medicaid, the state/feds can take about 150K of the value in repayment. And they are still screaming that they won't move and won't go to a nursing home. My father still insists MediCARE will pay for all they need. Totally clueless. My mother will soon be in a wheelchair and/or bedridden all day. My father is too out of it to even care about that, not because he's selfish, but because of a past stroke. He has no capacity to make a good decision.

We cannot afford the 10K plus per month that will be required for them to live the life they desire. So the solution to them is for me to uproot my life and go out there full time and service their needs. I'm not the only one to try to talk sense into them. My aunt (father's sister) tried and all my father would do is scream at her that he knew what he was doing and would not be controlled. My aunt is 96, bought her own addition to my cousin's house and lives well with them, in the life she deserves and loves. She invested in long term care insurance early on. She's fine financially because she made good decisions. She's still so spry and so smart and I'm lucky to have her in my life.

All of this - ALL OF THIS - did NOT have to happen. Years of calling me a control freak and doing NOTHING has put them in this position. It makes me sad and angry and frustrated. I'm hoping when my mother finally gets scared enough, she will allow me and my older sister to come whisk her away from the fresh hell she's living in.

I’m very young and my parents are late 50s. I am staring this down.

OP here. God bless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where did the 1 million in the bank go?

My father had it all in an investment account with only his name on it, did not understand it was high risk, and the last two recessions burned it into the ground

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I can feel the waves of despair and anger coming through my screen, OP.

I'm sorry. Please do not let your own health suffer because of your parents' decisions.

You should look after yourself first. If that means they don't get all the care you could give them, too bad. State-run nursing homes aren't all terrible, you know. Let the house go. Let them go into care. You can stay here and live your own life.

That’s about where I am right now. Do what I can but if they choose not to make a change, I won’t go broke. After being out there a year and half ago for two months and being left essentially non-functional due to the stress for another three, I won’t go back there mentally. Nope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're still being a control freak and not understanding what it means for them to make their own decisions and live the they want. It really has nothing to do with you as long as you stop trying to control them. It's really what it comes down to. You don't like to see it, you want them to be living the way you envision and you're furious. Move on with your life. Talk to them once a week or so. My controlling sister made my parents move into an assisted living near her. Then she dropped dead 3 months in. My dad died 6 months after that. Now my mom lives by herself, in ths place where she knows nobody. Rapidly deteriorating dementia. But she will probably live this way for 10 more years. And for what? She's miserable. I can't see but once or month or so, at best. Why live in nursing homes into your 90s when life that way sucks. Stick it out at home and die 10 years earlier, on your own terms. That's the way I see it. But guess what, I only have to worry about how I want to age.

Because by leaving them to suffer and die horribly is actually abuse. They are delusional, whether or not it matters. She doesn't have to care for them, but they will be in a Medicaid facility, they will take the assets ( probably the biggest concern because they will wipe out any and all of the estate) and they will die there because many of these places are really really bad.
Medicare will pay for up to 90 days after a 3 day hospitalization, but that is it.

Abuse isn't so clear cut. People are allowed to make their own terrible decisions up to a point. OP can you get an aging care professional to visit and give you and objective assessment of level of functioning and need? They are often trained in ways to talk to Seniors and help them accept help.

They had medicare and a social worker out. I was told by the social worker that these are the people they find dead on the floor, having laid there for days

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're still being a control freak and not understanding what it means for them to make their own decisions and live the they want. It really has nothing to do with you as long as you stop trying to control them. It's really what it comes down to. You don't like to see it, you want them to be living the way you envision and you're furious. Move on with your life. Talk to them once a week or so. My controlling sister made my parents move into an assisted living near her. Then she dropped dead 3 months in. My dad died 6 months after that. Now my mom lives by herself, in ths place where she knows nobody. Rapidly deteriorating dementia. But she will probably live this way for 10 more years. And for what? She's miserable. I can't see but once or month or so, at best. Why live in nursing homes into your 90s when life that way sucks. Stick it out at home and die 10 years earlier, on your own terms. That's the way I see it. But guess what, I only have to worry about how I want to age.

Because by leaving them to suffer and die horribly is actually abuse. They are delusional, whether or not it matters. She doesn't have to care for them, but they will be in a Medicaid facility, they will take the assets ( probably the biggest concern because they will wipe out any and all of the estate) and they will die there because many of these places are really really bad.
Medicare will pay for up to 90 days after a 3 day hospitalization, but that is it.

Abuse isn't so clear cut. People are allowed to make their own terrible decisions up to a point. OP can you get an aging care professional to visit and give you and objective assessment of level of functioning and need? They are often trained in ways to talk to Seniors and help them accept help.

They had medicare and a social worker out. I was told by the social worker that these are the people they find dead on the floor, having laid there for days

You are being absurd. Your sister is living with them and taking care of them the best she can. That is not abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, stop the drama. Your sister is handling it and lives with them. We had my mil in a Medicaid paid facility. It was terrible and that’s putting it nicely. In sone states they do pay for help but here they don’t.

How is my sister handling it when she works full time?

What other option does she have? She is still there nights and weekends. How are you helping but complaining here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To all dealing with the same - much love. And thank you for the kind comments. It’s all so upsetting because downsizing would solve ALL the problems. They can stay cross-country, my sister could still live with them and help, and they’d have money to hire in caregivers as needed. Then if they needed X or Y I would more than be willing to pay for it. I just can’t keep throwing good money away and solve nothing because we will run out of money as well. My sister seems to think money is not a finite thing. I even told her at one point that we have plenty of space in our home and they can move to us, put their home on the market, and she can feel free to live her own life, either moving here or staying in the town she’s been in for years. She goes on a screaming fits about how is she going to afford to pay her own way, etc, and how I need to house her too. It’s all SO tiring.

I do think though I found an organization that can help us get set up with the state so she can be their paid caregiver in their home, given that both are disabled and cash poor. I left a phone message with the agency. She’s already CPR certified and only needs a day of training. The question is, will she do that training as it’s in the next city over (think Great Falls to Falls Church in distance) but her OCD won’t allow her to drive there. I will definitely pay for an Uber Black to and from, but she might be either too OCD to attend. If that’s the case and no one will still engage, I’ll be forced to call in a social worker

What do you think a social worker will do? Your sister is doing the best she can.

If my parents are unsafe and need more help, they can get them more help. I am fully willing to take both of them into my home - we have plenty of space. With the sale of their home, they can now afford to hire in some day to day help. Again, if you think they are safe where they are in the situation they are, you can feel free to pay for everything all three of them can't afford anymore.

Why can't you hire help for them now? It sounds like a money grab as once they come you are going to complain about caring for them. You expecting your sister to quit her job to become their low paid caregiver is unreasonable. Why not bring in a different paid caregiver? Only a few states pay for a relative to be a paid caregiver and the pay is very very low and she cannot live off of it. You are not going to be happy being their caregiver and if you were you'd fly out regularly and actually help.

No social worker can force anything if they are ok, which it sounds like they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to protect their estate from the estate recovery! This is all you can do I think.

Given how late it sounds like OP's parents are in the game here, it is probably too late for that.

Yes, and I tried much earlier. My aunt told my mother that I was trying to steal their money My mother was too afraid to make a change. My father had them invested in high risk. So stupid

They now have 7 grand left. 4 or which will go to taxes and HOA fees this month. They also need a new hot water heater. The good thing is they can quality for help when they have less than 2 grand in savings. None of this needed to happen. None.

You could be decent and help pay the taxes, hoa fees and a hot water heater. From the sound of it you are very wealthy so why not help them out a little bit? Or, downsize your house so you can afford to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound more smug than sad...and no sign of love at all.

You blame so much of their current situation on them. A stroke? Incontinence?

Listen, they have never been old before. Nor have you. It is scary and your dad was hoping he could handle it as he has other life challenges. You did not WIN because he seems to have made bad choices. Stop being so resentful, and self righteous. Give empathy a try.

I agree. Just say NO. They’d probably be happy in a nursing home than be beaten down by your “I told you so’s” I know I would.

[Anonymous]

To the young poster with parents in their 50s, you could really help educate them by giving them this web site to look at. Also by encouraging them to join and support any senior center in their community, especially if it offers free community programs on aging, future legal and financial decision-making, Medicare versus Medicaid etc. They are young enough that they should talk to their financial planner or go to a Certified Financial Planner for a fee-based one or two session evaluation of their financial resources and whether long term care insurance would make sense, especially since you are an only child.

OP - It is unclear just exactly what you would have to offer in terms on funds or direct supportive care of your parents. If you have not done so, it might make more sense to talk to your sister (with OCD) and see for the present what might be helpful to her, being clear that you will have set boundaries in not shifting your work/family life around or whatever else is key for you to keep a balance. For her, non-judgmental things you could offer would be finding an agency or private person as through Care.com to provide respite on a night or weekend time that would be helpful to her. Also possibly, to offer to cover meals ordered from a company or dinner from local restaurants a couple of times a week, a cleaning service to come perhaps once or twice a month etc. Or would she like a local person who deals with elderly persons to help her figure things out as she is the person onsite call an Elder Care consultant or whatever - you can research likely through Office of Aging in their area.

I would back off from directly helping your folks and try to reach out to your sister in a respectful manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're still being a control freak and not understanding what it means for them to make their own decisions and live the they want. It really has nothing to do with you as long as you stop trying to control them. It's really what it comes down to. You don't like to see it, you want them to be living the way you envision and you're furious. Move on with your life. Talk to them once a week or so. My controlling sister made my parents move into an assisted living near her. Then she dropped dead 3 months in. My dad died 6 months after that. Now my mom lives by herself, in ths place where she knows nobody. Rapidly deteriorating dementia. But she will probably live this way for 10 more years. And for what? She's miserable. I can't see but once or month or so, at best. Why live in nursing homes into your 90s when life that way sucks. Stick it out at home and die 10 years earlier, on your own terms. That's the way I see it. But guess what, I only have to worry about how I want to age.

Because by leaving them to suffer and die horribly is actually abuse. They are delusional, whether or not it matters. She doesn't have to care for them, but they will be in a Medicaid facility, they will take the assets ( probably the biggest concern because they will wipe out any and all of the estate) and they will die there because many of these places are really really bad.
Medicare will pay for up to 90 days after a 3 day hospitalization, but that is it.

Abuse isn't so clear cut. People are allowed to make their own terrible decisions up to a point. OP can you get an aging care professional to visit and give you and objective assessment of level of functioning and need? They are often trained in ways to talk to Seniors and help them accept help.

They had medicare and a social worker out. I was told by the social worker that these are the people they find dead on the floor, having laid there for days

You are being absurd. Your sister is living with them and taking care of them the best she can. That is not abuse.

The social worker’s point is that people who refuse to change their situation when they have to cannot be helped until horrible crisis and then it’s usually too late. As someone who was the only person who came to hospice an elderly relative who refused to be helped, one person burns out VERY quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, stop the drama. Your sister is handling it and lives with them. We had my mil in a Medicaid paid facility. It was terrible and that’s putting it nicely. In sone states they do pay for help but here they don’t.

How is my sister handling it when she works full time?

What other option does she have? She is still there nights and weekends. How are you helping but complaining here?

Would love to physically help. Cannot due to their location and my obligations here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To all dealing with the same - much love. And thank you for the kind comments. It’s all so upsetting because downsizing would solve ALL the problems. They can stay cross-country, my sister could still live with them and help, and they’d have money to hire in caregivers as needed. Then if they needed X or Y I would more than be willing to pay for it. I just can’t keep throwing good money away and solve nothing because we will run out of money as well. My sister seems to think money is not a finite thing. I even told her at one point that we have plenty of space in our home and they can move to us, put their home on the market, and she can feel free to live her own life, either moving here or staying in the town she’s been in for years. She goes on a screaming fits about how is she going to afford to pay her own way, etc, and how I need to house her too. It’s all SO tiring.

I do think though I found an organization that can help us get set up with the state so she can be their paid caregiver in their home, given that both are disabled and cash poor. I left a phone message with the agency. She’s already CPR certified and only needs a day of training. The question is, will she do that training as it’s in the next city over (think Great Falls to Falls Church in distance) but her OCD won’t allow her to drive there. I will definitely pay for an Uber Black to and from, but she might be either too OCD to attend. If that’s the case and no one will still engage, I’ll be forced to call in a social worker

What do you think a social worker will do? Your sister is doing the best she can.

If my parents are unsafe and need more help, they can get them more help. I am fully willing to take both of them into my home - we have plenty of space. With the sale of their home, they can now afford to hire in some day to day help. Again, if you think they are safe where they are in the situation they are, you can feel free to pay for everything all three of them can't afford anymore.

Why can't you hire help for them now? It sounds like a money grab as once they come you are going to complain about caring for them. You expecting your sister to quit her job to become their low paid caregiver is unreasonable. Why not bring in a different paid caregiver? Only a few states pay for a relative to be a paid caregiver and the pay is very very low and she cannot live off of it. You are not going to be happy being their caregiver and if you were you'd fly out regularly and actually help.

No social worker can force anything if they are ok, which it sounds like they are.

Because (a) the cost for in-home help is way too expensive for us to shoulder and burning through our retirement savings to help them will put the burden on my own kids. Won’t do that (b) if they sold their home to come live with me, they would have money from the sale of their home to pay for a caregiver for themselves in a free, safe place to live, where I can also help (c) with them free so any money she makes caring for them is a bonus to her as her job pays very little as it is, and now she doesn’t have to do both (d) due to our own family obligations, I cannot fly back and forth and stay for months at a time. They would have a ton of support on the East Coast, including me. They have no friends where they are anymore, no family, etc. My mother would come in a heartbeat, actually. She’s afraid to for various reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to protect their estate from the estate recovery! This is all you can do I think.

Given how late it sounds like OP's parents are in the game here, it is probably too late for that.

Yes, and I tried much earlier. My aunt told my mother that I was trying to steal their money My mother was too afraid to make a change. My father had them invested in high risk. So stupid

They now have 7 grand left. 4 or which will go to taxes and HOA fees this month. They also need a new hot water heater. The good thing is they can quality for help when they have less than 2 grand in savings. None of this needed to happen. None.

You could be decent and help pay the taxes, hoa fees and a hot water heater. From the sound of it you are very wealthy so why not help them out a little bit? Or, downsize your house so you can afford to help.

I already do. You honestly think that they should do nothing to help themselves and destroy others around them?