This is what happens....

[Anonymous]

You sound more smug than sad...and no sign of love at all.

You blame so much of their current situation on them. A stroke? Incontinence?

Listen, they have never been old before. Nor have you. It is scary and your dad was hoping he could handle it as he has other life challenges. You did not WIN because he seems to have made bad choices. Stop being so resentful, and self righteous. Give empathy a try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I so get it and have felt this way too. I had that level of anger, indignation and frustration too. Sadly, what forced me to detach was my own serious health issues. They made these choices of sound mind. Now they will live with the consequences. Do not set yourself on fire to keep them warm. I did and got burned. Let it bring you peace that you tried to prevent this.

This is great advice. My parents age in place plan has turned into a dumpster fire in the past few months and I've spent weeks traveling to them (they refuse to move closer to their kids) and solving their problems. I've set up care for them now in their home and I call and check in regularly, but I can't keep on doing this. I have several kids in the house to raise. This was their choice, and it will go how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound more smug than sad...and no sign of love at all.

You blame so much of their current situation on them. A stroke? Incontinence?

Listen, they have never been old before. Nor have you. It is scary and your dad was hoping he could handle it as he has other life challenges. You did not WIN because he seems to have made bad choices. Stop being so resentful, and self righteous. Give empathy a try.

All such pretty words when you don’t have skin in the game. Will your empathy pay the 6K per month they currently need? Can I count on you?

[Anonymous]

Op, stop the drama. Your sister is handling it and lives with them. We had my mil in a Medicaid paid facility. It was terrible and that’s putting it nicely. In sone states they do pay for help but here they don’t.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm sorry you are dealing with this. This is such a challenging issue when parents want to be independent and make their own choices, but also insist on choices that will maximally burden their children in terms of their care.

Have you seen the show The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning? It's on Peacock, produced and narrated by Amy Pohler, and it's about this group of Swedish people helping Americans get their homes/lives in order so as not to burden their families with all their crap when they die (which according to the show is a Swedish thing, I don't know if that is accurate). It's an organizer, a decorator, and importantly, a therapist.

I know your issue is bigger than just organizing your parents home or even getting them to downsize (though it sounds like downsizing would still be a potentially good move if it could release some capital that would pay for their increasing care issues), but I really like that the show directly addresses the value in preparing for end of life, and death, proactively as a way to enjoy your current moment more. I wonder if watching this show or recommending it to your sister and parents could help with their outlook? So many people avoid these hard choices because they are afraid of sickness, old age, and death. So they pretend it will never happen and hold onto homes, things, jobs, relationships, etc., that don't serve them, because they thinking in acknowledging life is finite, they will lose something. But actually you GAIN something.

I don't know, maybe a dumb suggestion. But this is such a common problem and it would be so great if we had more cultural focus on helping people get over it. We are entering a crisis with all the Boomers entering their 70s and 80s and as a society we are not at all prepared for how to do it. So many of them (my parents included) want to pretend it's not happening but it is, it's happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, stop the drama. Your sister is handling it and lives with them. We had my mil in a Medicaid paid facility. It was terrible and that’s putting it nicely. In sone states they do pay for help but here they don’t.

It sounds like the Younger sister left. It’s wrong to be mad at her though she did her time to help keep them comfortable. I doubt they would have been convinced to leave earlier, op, most people want to stay independent as long as they can. There’s usually no great options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, stop the drama. Your sister is handling it and lives with them. We had my mil in a Medicaid paid facility. It was terrible and that’s putting it nicely. In sone states they do pay for help but here they don’t.

How is my sister handling it when she works full time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, stop the drama. Your sister is handling it and lives with them. We had my mil in a Medicaid paid facility. It was terrible and that’s putting it nicely. In sone states they do pay for help but here they don’t.

So I can count on your for financial help as well. Such generosity!! I need to start a GoFundMe.

[Anonymous]

I don't know what the OP's solution is. My parents were in the same boat four years ago. They lived in the house I grew up in; had $5M in the bank; and were just barely hanging on health-wise (they're now mid to late 80s). My mother had dementia but wouldn't admit it, and my dad had very compromised mobility due to neuropathy. My mom ended up breaking her hip, and now, fast forward 4 years, they live in Assisted Living here burning cash. I hate it, they're miserable (well my mom doesn't know where she is, so who knows)--but what exactly is the alternative? Attestupa? At the time I was begging them to move to an independent living facility, but nothing would have changed. They end up in these rapacious AL facilities or we take care of them. That's what our medical system + a private equity-built eldercare system gives us. I think my only general regret is that we don't live in a more close-knit community--family or village--that handles these burdens collectively. Although, of course, at the time when that existed, most people died in their seventies.

[Anonymous]

OP here. To all dealing with the same - much love. And thank you for the kind comments. It’s all so upsetting because downsizing would solve ALL the problems. They can stay cross-country, my sister could still live with them and help, and they’d have money to hire in caregivers as needed. Then if they needed X or Y I would more than be willing to pay for it. I just can’t keep throwing good money away and solve nothing because we will run out of money as well. My sister seems to think money is not a finite thing. I even told her at one point that we have plenty of space in our home and they can move to us, put their home on the market, and she can feel free to live her own life, either moving here or staying in the town she’s been in for years. She goes on a screaming fits about how is she going to afford to pay her own way, etc, and how I need to house her too. It’s all SO tiring.

I do think though I found an organization that can help us get set up with the state so she can be their paid caregiver in their home, given that both are disabled and cash poor. I left a phone message with the agency. She’s already CPR certified and only needs a day of training. The question is, will she do that training as it’s in the next city over (think Great Falls to Falls Church in distance) but her OCD won’t allow her to drive there. I will definitely pay for an Uber Black to and from, but she might be either too OCD to attend. If that’s the case and no one will still engage, I’ll be forced to call in a social worker

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To all dealing with the same - much love. And thank you for the kind comments. It’s all so upsetting because downsizing would solve ALL the problems. They can stay cross-country, my sister could still live with them and help, and they’d have money to hire in caregivers as needed. Then if they needed X or Y I would more than be willing to pay for it. I just can’t keep throwing good money away and solve nothing because we will run out of money as well. My sister seems to think money is not a finite thing. I even told her at one point that we have plenty of space in our home and they can move to us, put their home on the market, and she can feel free to live her own life, either moving here or staying in the town she’s been in for years. She goes on a screaming fits about how is she going to afford to pay her own way, etc, and how I need to house her too. It’s all SO tiring.

I do think though I found an organization that can help us get set up with the state so she can be their paid caregiver in their home, given that both are disabled and cash poor. I left a phone message with the agency. She’s already CPR certified and only needs a day of training. The question is, will she do that training as it’s in the next city over (think Great Falls to Falls Church in distance) but her OCD won’t allow her to drive there. I will definitely pay for an Uber Black to and from, but she might be either too OCD to attend. If that’s the case and no one will still engage, I’ll be forced to call in a social worker

What do you think a social worker will do? Your sister is doing the best she can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To all dealing with the same - much love. And thank you for the kind comments. It’s all so upsetting because downsizing would solve ALL the problems. They can stay cross-country, my sister could still live with them and help, and they’d have money to hire in caregivers as needed. Then if they needed X or Y I would more than be willing to pay for it. I just can’t keep throwing good money away and solve nothing because we will run out of money as well. My sister seems to think money is not a finite thing. I even told her at one point that we have plenty of space in our home and they can move to us, put their home on the market, and she can feel free to live her own life, either moving here or staying in the town she’s been in for years. She goes on a screaming fits about how is she going to afford to pay her own way, etc, and how I need to house her too. It’s all SO tiring.

I do think though I found an organization that can help us get set up with the state so she can be their paid caregiver in their home, given that both are disabled and cash poor. I left a phone message with the agency. She’s already CPR certified and only needs a day of training. The question is, will she do that training as it’s in the next city over (think Great Falls to Falls Church in distance) but her OCD won’t allow her to drive there. I will definitely pay for an Uber Black to and from, but she might be either too OCD to attend. If that’s the case and no one will still engage, I’ll be forced to call in a social worker

What do you think a social worker will do? Your sister is doing the best she can.

If my parents are unsafe and need more help, they can get them more help. I am fully willing to take both of them into my home - we have plenty of space. With the sale of their home, they can now afford to hire in some day to day help. Again, if you think they are safe where they are in the situation they are, you can feel free to pay for everything all three of them can't afford anymore.

[Anonymous]

You need to protect their estate from the estate recovery! This is all you can do I think.

[Anonymous]

My mom started going downhill around 80 but it coincided with Covid and she lives on the west coast so it took a while for me to really understand she could no longer live in her own…I also was unable to convince my brother until I showed him that she had essentially been scammed out of 200k. It was hard but I convinced her to move near me and took charge of her home l, financial affairs etc. she now hates me for it but she’s clearly experiencing decline. I’m flattened like a pancake between work kids and her and she’s so self centered (always has been) ; it’s like I don’t even exist except to tend to her needs and imagined ailments. It’s unpleasant and will only get worse…But at least I can keep an eye on things. Funny thing is that my stepsister took care of her mom with dementia and my mom used to say “I’d never do that to you, just stick me in a home and live your life.” Now she’s nearby, calls 4 -5 times a day, complains if I’m not there etc.

I told dh I want to explore continuing care communities so we won’t burden our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what the OP's solution is. My parents were in the same boat four years ago. They lived in the house I grew up in; had $5M in the bank; and were just barely hanging on health-wise (they're now mid to late 80s). My mother had dementia but wouldn't admit it, and my dad had very compromised mobility due to neuropathy. My mom ended up breaking her hip, and now, fast forward 4 years, they live in Assisted Living here burning cash. I hate it, they're miserable (well my mom doesn't know where she is, so who knows)--but what exactly is the alternative? Attestupa? At the time I was begging them to move to an independent living facility, but nothing would have changed. They end up in these rapacious AL facilities or we take care of them. That's what our medical system + a private equity-built eldercare system gives us. I think my only general regret is that we don't live in a more close-knit community--family or village--that handles these burdens collectively. Although, of course, at the time when that existed, most people died in their seventies.

I definitely don't like the private equity angle, but even the nonprofit ones are expensive. Yet caregiving costs money. We are going to be sort of downsizing in about 2 years and I am using that to start the purge. Wish I were more organized, but I'm just not so this will force me to take action.

My parents didn't have a lot of money, so the last years were harrowing in some ways. At the time, we also didn't have excess money, so we couldn't have swung what was needed to be put up for a CCRC. My dad was in a nursing home for a year while my mom was in a memory care unit in a nonprofit, which was a great fit for her.

My ILs are still on their own, but burning through their LTC with 5x/week in-home care for one of them. And they've burned a lot of their money with expensive rentals and trips. One day they will be knocking.

I hope to spare our kids as much of the EOL stress as possible, so they can be present with us when they can be.