This is what happens....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to protect their estate from the estate recovery! This is all you can do I think.

Given how late it sounds like OP's parents are in the game here, it is probably too late for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the people screaming that our parents have the right to live as they choose, wake the F UP.

My parents refused to move. My sister lives with them and, I see now, enabled it so she could keep the roof over her head. Had they moved a few years ago, listened to reason,they would be sitting on easy street with over a mil in the bank, being able to hire caregivers, stay in the lovely home they downsized to.

What they have now: desperation, no money, incontinence, immobilization due to declining health, and destined for a state-run nursing home for one or both that will take their home through estate recovery. Even if one still lives there, if the other dies in nursing home on Medicaid, the state/feds can take about 150K of the value in repayment. And they are still screaming that they won't move and won't go to a nursing home. My father still insists MediCARE will pay for all they need. Totally clueless. My mother will soon be in a wheelchair and/or bedridden all day. My father is too out of it to even care about that, not because he's selfish, but because of a past stroke. He has no capacity to make a good decision.

We cannot afford the 10K plus per month that will be required for them to live the life they desire. So the solution to them is for me to uproot my life and go out there full time and service their needs. I'm not the only one to try to talk sense into them. My aunt (father's sister) tried and all my father would do is scream at her that he knew what he was doing and would not be controlled. My aunt is 96, bought her own addition to my cousin's house and lives well with them, in the life she deserves and loves. She invested in long term care insurance early on. She's fine financially because she made good decisions. She's still so spry and so smart and I'm lucky to have her in my life.

All of this - ALL OF THIS - did NOT have to happen. Years of calling me a control freak and doing NOTHING has put them in this position. It makes me sad and angry and frustrated. I'm hoping when my mother finally gets scared enough, she will allow me and my older sister to come whisk her away from the fresh hell she's living in.

I’m very young and my parents are late 50s. I am staring this down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom started going downhill around 80 but it coincided with Covid and she lives on the west coast so it took a while for me to really understand she could no longer live in her own…I also was unable to convince my brother until I showed him that she had essentially been scammed out of 200k. It was hard but I convinced her to move near me and took charge of her home l, financial affairs etc. she now hates me for it but she’s clearly experiencing decline. I’m flattened like a pancake between work kids and her and she’s so self centered (always has been) ; it’s like I don’t even exist except to tend to her needs and imagined ailments. It’s unpleasant and will only get worse…But at least I can keep an eye on things. Funny thing is that my stepsister took care of her mom with dementia and my mom used to say “I’d never do that to you, just stick me in a home and live your life.” Now she’s nearby, calls 4 -5 times a day, complains if I’m not there etc.

I told dh I want to explore continuing care communities so we won’t burden our kids.

Wow on the scam! What kind?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom started going downhill around 80 but it coincided with Covid and she lives on the west coast so it took a while for me to really understand she could no longer live in her own…I also was unable to convince my brother until I showed him that she had essentially been scammed out of 200k. It was hard but I convinced her to move near me and took charge of her home l, financial affairs etc. she now hates me for it but she’s clearly experiencing decline. I’m flattened like a pancake between work kids and her and she’s so self centered (always has been) ; it’s like I don’t even exist except to tend to her needs and imagined ailments. It’s unpleasant and will only get worse…But at least I can keep an eye on things. Funny thing is that my stepsister took care of her mom with dementia and my mom used to say “I’d never do that to you, just stick me in a home and live your life.” Now she’s nearby, calls 4 -5 times a day, complains if I’m not there etc.

I told dh I want to explore continuing care communities so we won’t burden our kids.

Wow on the scam! What kind?

Not the person you are responding to, but my own mother is bleeding money to users that luckily she has. One sibling convinced her not to get a dementia evaluation and now has her funding all sorts of things. You can't prove she is being taken advantage of when her Golden Child convinced her not to get an evaluation. Often those with dementia have no awareness they have it. A cousin has crawled out of the woodwork sharing sob stories and mom is funding her. GC is upset about this because she wants to be the only one profiting. She has turned on my brother and I and threatens to disown us which is fine, we don't want her money, but apparently she meets with her lawyer regularly to just vent at about $400 an hour. She thinks her accountant is her best friend and bleeds an obscene amount of money going for chit chats. The people she funds are the people she now trusts and those of us who don't want her money and used to try to protect her are the enemy. I am sure my father who actually earned the money is rolling around in his grave, but thank goodness she can afford to purchase these expensive relationships which seem to bring her happiness. At this point we have no leverage at all because she redid POA, and everything possible to shut us down. She has already spend more than 200,000 funding our sibling and than doesn't include all her other expenditures. The thing is she has always used money to manipulate, but it is sad because she doesn't understand she is the one being manipulate these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're still being a control freak and not understanding what it means for them to make their own decisions and live the they want. It really has nothing to do with you as long as you stop trying to control them. It's really what it comes down to. You don't like to see it, you want them to be living the way you envision and you're furious. Move on with your life. Talk to them once a week or so. My controlling sister made my parents move into an assisted living near her. Then she dropped dead 3 months in. My dad died 6 months after that. Now my mom lives by herself, in ths place where she knows nobody. Rapidly deteriorating dementia. But she will probably live this way for 10 more years. And for what? She's miserable. I can't see but once or month or so, at best. Why live in nursing homes into your 90s when life that way sucks. Stick it out at home and die 10 years earlier, on your own terms. That's the way I see it. But guess what, I only have to worry about how I want to age.

Because by leaving them to suffer and die horribly is actually abuse. They are delusional, whether or not it matters. She doesn't have to care for them, but they will be in a Medicaid facility, they will take the assets ( probably the biggest concern because they will wipe out any and all of the estate) and they will die there because many of these places are really really bad.
Medicare will pay for up to 90 days after a 3 day hospitalization, but that is it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the people screaming that our parents have the right to live as they choose, wake the F UP.

My parents refused to move. My sister lives with them and, I see now, enabled it so she could keep the roof over her head. Had they moved a few years ago, listened to reason,they would be sitting on easy street with over a mil in the bank, being able to hire caregivers, stay in the lovely home they downsized to.

What they have now: desperation, no money, incontinence, immobilization due to declining health, and destined for a state-run nursing home for one or both that will take their home through estate recovery. Even if one still lives there, if the other dies in nursing home on Medicaid, the state/feds can take about 150K of the value in repayment. And they are still screaming that they won't move and won't go to a nursing home. My father still insists MediCARE will pay for all they need. Totally clueless. My mother will soon be in a wheelchair and/or bedridden all day. My father is too out of it to even care about that, not because he's selfish, but because of a past stroke. He has no capacity to make a good decision.

We cannot afford the 10K plus per month that will be required for them to live the life they desire. So the solution to them is for me to uproot my life and go out there full time and service their needs. I'm not the only one to try to talk sense into them. My aunt (father's sister) tried and all my father would do is scream at her that he knew what he was doing and would not be controlled. My aunt is 96, bought her own addition to my cousin's house and lives well with them, in the life she deserves and loves. She invested in long term care insurance early on. She's fine financially because she made good decisions. She's still so spry and so smart and I'm lucky to have her in my life.

All of this - ALL OF THIS - did NOT have to happen. Years of calling me a control freak and doing NOTHING has put them in this position. It makes me sad and angry and frustrated. I'm hoping when my mother finally gets scared enough, she will allow me and my older sister to come whisk her away from the fresh hell she's living in.

I’m very young and my parents are late 50s. I am staring this down.

Your parents are young. They can make their own decisions. You are not looking at this now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the people screaming that our parents have the right to live as they choose, wake the F UP.

My parents refused to move. My sister lives with them and, I see now, enabled it so she could keep the roof over her head. Had they moved a few years ago, listened to reason,they would be sitting on easy street with over a mil in the bank, being able to hire caregivers, stay in the lovely home they downsized to.

What they have now: desperation, no money, incontinence, immobilization due to declining health, and destined for a state-run nursing home for one or both that will take their home through estate recovery. Even if one still lives there, if the other dies in nursing home on Medicaid, the state/feds can take about 150K of the value in repayment. And they are still screaming that they won't move and won't go to a nursing home. My father still insists MediCARE will pay for all they need. Totally clueless. My mother will soon be in a wheelchair and/or bedridden all day. My father is too out of it to even care about that, not because he's selfish, but because of a past stroke. He has no capacity to make a good decision.

We cannot afford the 10K plus per month that will be required for them to live the life they desire. So the solution to them is for me to uproot my life and go out there full time and service their needs. I'm not the only one to try to talk sense into them. My aunt (father's sister) tried and all my father would do is scream at her that he knew what he was doing and would not be controlled. My aunt is 96, bought her own addition to my cousin's house and lives well with them, in the life she deserves and loves. She invested in long term care insurance early on. She's fine financially because she made good decisions. She's still so spry and so smart and I'm lucky to have her in my life.

All of this - ALL OF THIS - did NOT have to happen. Years of calling me a control freak and doing NOTHING has put them in this position. It makes me sad and angry and frustrated. I'm hoping when my mother finally gets scared enough, she will allow me and my older sister to come whisk her away from the fresh hell she's living in.

I’m very young and my parents are late 50s. I am staring this down.

Your parents are young. They can make their own decisions. You are not looking at this now.

LOL this cannot be real. Those of us in our 50s are still dealing with aging parent antics. Hopefully most of us are learning our lessons and 20 years from now you will be home free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I so get it and have felt this way too. I had that level of anger, indignation and frustration too. Sadly, what forced me to detach was my own serious health issues. They made these choices of sound mind. Now they will live with the consequences. Do not set yourself on fire to keep them warm. I did and got burned. Let it bring you peace that you tried to prevent this.

I'm seeing this happen to my mother. She is in her 70's and taking care of my grandmother who is 100 years old. Every 2 months she travels 5 hours to take care of my grandmother. It's running her ragged and her back is now constantly hurting. But she promised her mother that she would never put her in a home.
I forsee having to take care of my mother in 5-10 years. She also asked me to never put her in a nursing home. But she refuses to sell her 5 bedroom home that's falling into disarray. I found an apartment that's 5 minutes from my house but my mother can not live without a garden.

[Anonymous]

Where did the 1 million in the bank go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're still being a control freak and not understanding what it means for them to make their own decisions and live the they want. It really has nothing to do with you as long as you stop trying to control them. It's really what it comes down to. You don't like to see it, you want them to be living the way you envision and you're furious. Move on with your life. Talk to them once a week or so. My controlling sister made my parents move into an assisted living near her. Then she dropped dead 3 months in. My dad died 6 months after that. Now my mom lives by herself, in ths place where she knows nobody. Rapidly deteriorating dementia. But she will probably live this way for 10 more years. And for what? She's miserable. I can't see but once or month or so, at best. Why live in nursing homes into your 90s when life that way sucks. Stick it out at home and die 10 years earlier, on your own terms. That's the way I see it. But guess what, I only have to worry about how I want to age.

Because by leaving them to suffer and die horribly is actually abuse. They are delusional, whether or not it matters. She doesn't have to care for them, but they will be in a Medicaid facility, they will take the assets ( probably the biggest concern because they will wipe out any and all of the estate) and they will die there because many of these places are really really bad.
Medicare will pay for up to 90 days after a 3 day hospitalization, but that is it.

Who is "they"?

Also, Medicare doesn't necessarily pay for 90 days. If medical staff deems patient not able to make progress, then Medicare cuts you off at around 20 days. Happened to my dad.

[Anonymous]

Attestupa is available by much kinder, gentler means these days - but not yet in America.

Having spent the last seven years as a hospice caregiver, I believe it is incredibly inhumane that we do not embrace planned end of life in a time when medical science can keep our bodies living on for a decade or more after almost all quality of life is gone and our spirits and minds exist in misery.

For those people whose very elder years are such low quality that they wish to exit the rock, there should be access to medical aid in dying absent an immediate terminal diagnosis.

We are seeing now the negative effects of increasing lifespan through science, and they are very ugly indeed.

The only people I have cared for in the last 7 years who weren’t begging to die were younger folks who were dying of cancer in their 60s. The elders in their 80s and 90s have all been very tired of life and desperate for death to take them.

It’s sad that we cannot grapple with our cultural anxiety about death and let people have total control over this most important aspect of a life. It is hard to think of a life as well lived when the last years of it are so bleak and lacking in dignity.

[Anonymous]

I can feel the waves of despair and anger coming through my screen, OP.

I'm sorry. Please do not let your own health suffer because of your parents' decisions.

You should look after yourself first. If that means they don't get all the care you could give them, too bad. State-run nursing homes aren't all terrible, you know. Let the house go. Let them go into care. You can stay here and live your own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Attestupa is available by much kinder, gentler means these days - but not yet in America.

Having spent the last seven years as a hospice caregiver, I believe it is incredibly inhumane that we do not embrace planned end of life in a time when medical science can keep our bodies living on for a decade or more after almost all quality of life is gone and our spirits and minds exist in misery.

For those people whose very elder years are such low quality that they wish to exit the rock, there should be access to medical aid in dying absent an immediate terminal diagnosis.

We are seeing now the negative effects of increasing lifespan through science, and they are very ugly indeed.

The only people I have cared for in the last 7 years who weren’t begging to die were younger folks who were dying of cancer in their 60s. The elders in their 80s and 90s have all been very tired of life and desperate for death to take them.

It’s sad that we cannot grapple with our cultural anxiety about death and let people have total control over this most important aspect of a life. It is hard to think of a life as well lived when the last years of it are so bleak and lacking in dignity.

I entirely agree with this. None of us decided to come into the world, but we sure should be allowed to decide when to leave it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're still being a control freak and not understanding what it means for them to make their own decisions and live the they want. It really has nothing to do with you as long as you stop trying to control them. It's really what it comes down to. You don't like to see it, you want them to be living the way you envision and you're furious. Move on with your life. Talk to them once a week or so. My controlling sister made my parents move into an assisted living near her. Then she dropped dead 3 months in. My dad died 6 months after that. Now my mom lives by herself, in ths place where she knows nobody. Rapidly deteriorating dementia. But she will probably live this way for 10 more years. And for what? She's miserable. I can't see but once or month or so, at best. Why live in nursing homes into your 90s when life that way sucks. Stick it out at home and die 10 years earlier, on your own terms. That's the way I see it. But guess what, I only have to worry about how I want to age.

Because by leaving them to suffer and die horribly is actually abuse. They are delusional, whether or not it matters. She doesn't have to care for them, but they will be in a Medicaid facility, they will take the assets ( probably the biggest concern because they will wipe out any and all of the estate) and they will die there because many of these places are really really bad.
Medicare will pay for up to 90 days after a 3 day hospitalization, but that is it.

Abuse isn't so clear cut. People are allowed to make their own terrible decisions up to a point. OP can you get an aging care professional to visit and give you and objective assessment of level of functioning and need? They are often trained in ways to talk to Seniors and help them accept help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're still being a control freak and not understanding what it means for them to make their own decisions and live the they want. It really has nothing to do with you as long as you stop trying to control them. It's really what it comes down to. You don't like to see it, you want them to be living the way you envision and you're furious. Move on with your life. Talk to them once a week or so. My controlling sister made my parents move into an assisted living near her. Then she dropped dead 3 months in. My dad died 6 months after that. Now my mom lives by herself, in ths place where she knows nobody. Rapidly deteriorating dementia. But she will probably live this way for 10 more years. And for what? She's miserable. I can't see but once or month or so, at best. Why live in nursing homes into your 90s when life that way sucks. Stick it out at home and die 10 years earlier, on your own terms. That's the way I see it. But guess what, I only have to worry about how I want to age.

Because by leaving them to suffer and die horribly is actually abuse. They are delusional, whether or not it matters. She doesn't have to care for them, but they will be in a Medicaid facility, they will take the assets ( probably the biggest concern because they will wipe out any and all of the estate) and they will die there because many of these places are really really bad.
Medicare will pay for up to 90 days after a 3 day hospitalization, but that is it.

Abuse isn't so clear cut. People are allowed to make their own terrible decisions up to a point. OP can you get an aging care professional to visit and give you and objective assessment of level of functioning and need? They are often trained in ways to talk to Seniors and help them accept help.

This is great advice. Please check out https://www.aginglifecare.org/

Hugs to you, OP. There are no perfect solutions to any of this and it is so exhausting. Please take care of yourself.