Has confronting the other woman ever gone well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I emailed her H. That was pretty satisfying. She was part of a friends group and cutting them off was also satisfying because they tried to pretend to “my friend” to get information for her. I stayed friends with the ones that just didn’t get involved. The ones I cut off are still a little bitter.

I actually confronted another one because she was single. She also wrote me a letter begging me to be friends and she’d promise not to sleep with my h anymore. I told her about the married one, that was fun. She told me I was a bad wife, lol. I ran into her dad and said, “your daughter dates married men btw, I think she needs therapy”. He later made her get therapy do I feel I did the world a favor

I am not afraid of conflict so it was fine for me but I think it’s bad if you avoid conflict or that brings you anxiety.

Are you still married to this cheater? I really love these stories and if he cheats again I hope you can do something similar to the next OW.

Lol no. But we are still close.

I don’t take cheating personally because it’s just a flaw in the cheater.

I see these women as just flawed. My best friend was an OW, so I saw her just get used and abused. I feel bad for anyone who lets themselves get used like this.. but I’m also not walking away quietly. Lol.

Aren't most OWs already married? Then the cheaters are getting exactly what they came for. I don't understand this misogynistic narrative that the female in the relationship is always getting "used up" and "thrown out". I mean, they want sex and excitement and attention and they are getting it. 90% of them don't want to blow up their families either.

Your problem is with your spouse. It only makes you look crazy to go after the other person, though it's understandable to hate them with the fire of a thousand suns.

My best friend wanted to get married to him. Yes she was married to a great guy. Her work found out, she was fired. He continued to use her until finally she realized it and got the therapy.

Both my H’s affairs expected to marry him. I think if it’s just for fun, just walk away quietly when it’s over.

Also, I don’t hate them at all. Hate is a useless emotion.

Finally someone mature on this forum. That's rare.

[Anonymous]

A third party cannot waltz in and break up a happy, healthy marriage. Your spouse was clearly open to the idea of being with someone else, so all the fault is with him. The AP doesn't matter, and there is no pointing in "confronting" her. Even if she goes away, your DH will still be looking for another woman because he isn't satisfied with you.

This is just wrong on so many levels it's not even worth getting into your ridiculous assumptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

A third party cannot waltz in and break up a happy, healthy marriage. Your spouse was clearly open to the idea of being with someone else, so all the fault is with him. The AP doesn't matter, and there is no pointing in "confronting" her. Even if she goes away, your DH will still be looking for another woman because he isn't satisfied with you.

This is just wrong on so many levels it's not even worth getting into your ridiculous assumptions.

I'm sorry you were cheated on, but the above is true. I don't think it's necessarily that "he isn't satisfied with you", but something else is going on. It's not like APs are some irresistible siren and the cheater has no control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I emailed her H. That was pretty satisfying. She was part of a friends group and cutting them off was also satisfying because they tried to pretend to “my friend” to get information for her. I stayed friends with the ones that just didn’t get involved. The ones I cut off are still a little bitter.

I actually confronted another one because she was single. She also wrote me a letter begging me to be friends and she’d promise not to sleep with my h anymore. I told her about the married one, that was fun. She told me I was a bad wife, lol. I ran into her dad and said, “your daughter dates married men btw, I think she needs therapy”. He later made her get therapy do I feel I did the world a favor

I am not afraid of conflict so it was fine for me but I think it’s bad if you avoid conflict or that brings you anxiety.

Are you still married to this cheater? I really love these stories and if he cheats again I hope you can do something similar to the next OW.

Lol no. But we are still close.

I don’t take cheating personally because it’s just a flaw in the cheater.

I see these women as just flawed. My best friend was an OW, so I saw her just get used and abused. I feel bad for anyone who lets themselves get used like this.. but I’m also not walking away quietly. Lol.

Aren't most OWs already married? Then the cheaters are getting exactly what they came for. I don't understand this misogynistic narrative that the female in the relationship is always getting "used up" and "thrown out". I mean, they want sex and excitement and attention and they are getting it. 90% of them don't want to blow up their families either.

Your problem is with your spouse. It only makes you look crazy to go after the other person, though it's understandable to hate them with the fire of a thousand suns.

My best friend wanted to get married to him. Yes she was married to a great guy. Her work found out, she was fired. He continued to use her until finally she realized it and got the therapy.

Both my H’s affairs expected to marry him. I think if it’s just for fun, just walk away quietly when it’s over.

Also, I don’t hate them at all. Hate is a useless emotion.

I think a lot of OW make the mistake/miscalculation that he wouldn’t do something so transgressive unless he really loved her, and that therefore they have a future. So she knows it’s wrong, she just thinks he’s breaking rules for her. That’s why they’re so devastated when they realize it’s something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve probably watched 60 episodes of Maury and in all those episodes I’ve never once seen anyone come out for the better after confronting a cheaters paramour. The thing I never understood was why they were both angry at each other when it was really the man who deserved the anger.

I think Pluto has a full-time Springer/Maury channel, watch for a little while and I think you’ll see a pattern develop.

You do understand that shit is staged, right?

Or are you trying to be witty?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people on here are cheaters. Additionally, people will gaslight you into believing that the AP is not at fault.

Yes, confront them. If they have a partner, tell them too. Nobody should have to unknowingly risk their health because their partner is a lying s**t.

Most are married too. They are also cheating on their spouses. Two married APs is most common. Often has to do with what’s available to middle aged people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I emailed her H. That was pretty satisfying. She was part of a friends group and cutting them off was also satisfying because they tried to pretend to “my friend” to get information for her. I stayed friends with the ones that just didn’t get involved. The ones I cut off are still a little bitter.

I actually confronted another one because she was single. She also wrote me a letter begging me to be friends and she’d promise not to sleep with my h anymore. I told her about the married one, that was fun. She told me I was a bad wife, lol. I ran into her dad and said, “your daughter dates married men btw, I think she needs therapy”. He later made her get therapy do I feel I did the world a favor

I am not afraid of conflict so it was fine for me but I think it’s bad if you avoid conflict or that brings you anxiety.

Are you still married to this cheater? I really love these stories and if he cheats again I hope you can do something similar to the next OW.

Lol no. But we are still close.

I don’t take cheating personally because it’s just a flaw in the cheater.

I see these women as just flawed. My best friend was an OW, so I saw her just get used and abused. I feel bad for anyone who lets themselves get used like this.. but I’m also not walking away quietly. Lol.

Aren't most OWs already married? Then the cheaters are getting exactly what they came for. I don't understand this misogynistic narrative that the female in the relationship is always getting "used up" and "thrown out". I mean, they want sex and excitement and attention and they are getting it. 90% of them don't want to blow up their families either.

Your problem is with your spouse. It only makes you look crazy to go after the other person, though it's understandable to hate them with the fire of a thousand suns.

My best friend wanted to get married to him. Yes she was married to a great guy. Her work found out, she was fired. He continued to use her until finally she realized it and got the therapy.

Both my H’s affairs expected to marry him. I think if it’s just for fun, just walk away quietly when it’s over.

Also, I don’t hate them at all. Hate is a useless emotion.

I think a lot of OW make the mistake/miscalculation that he wouldn’t do something so transgressive unless he really loved her, and that therefore they have a future. So she knows it’s wrong, she just thinks he’s breaking rules for her. That’s why they’re so devastated when they realize it’s something else.

I think this is very true. It’s sad, like really hon.

[Anonymous]

If she’s married, yes, confront. It will scare the sh@t out of her that you might tell her husband. You don’t have to be crazy or loony. You are just some abstract person to them- not someone who is real with kids and a life and emotions.

Then, decide what you want to do. But, advice is usually for all 4 involved to know (both betrayed spouses) so there are two sets of eyes on the problem if the betrayed spouses choose to reconcile.

It’s par for the course that someone with no empathy or character would blame you. It’s almost comical in that sense. You really can see the borderline personality disorder firsthand. It’s everyone else’s fault. They will try sympathy first and then lash out in anger when that doesn’t work.

The only proper response by an OW/OM (and spouse): I’m so sorry. But, none have empathy or character to say that.

They will often lie to try to hurt you more. You aren’t going to get any truth out of them.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you tell us more about what you said to the OW and what she said back? I'm curious as to what you said by way of confrontation and specifically what her accusatory stance entailed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

A third party cannot waltz in and break up a happy, healthy marriage. Your spouse was clearly open to the idea of being with someone else, so all the fault is with him. The AP doesn't matter, and there is no pointing in "confronting" her. Even if she goes away, your DH will still be looking for another woman because he isn't satisfied with you.

This is just wrong on so many levels it's not even worth getting into your ridiculous assumptions.

I'm sorry you were cheated on, but the above is true. I don't think it's necessarily that "he isn't satisfied with you", but something else is going on. It's not like APs are some irresistible siren and the cheater has no control.

Yeah, he’s f@led in the head, or an alcoholic or a sex addict or has low self esteem or in a depression. Or slimy enough to go looking for just variety after a few decades of the same woman with zero intention to ever leave. Check one of the boxes. It’s never about the actual OW. It could have been anyone, nothing special there just easy and willing to settle for nothing for the vain hope of a future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Found out about DH's affair and confronted his AP, only to be shocked by her accusatory stance and lack of empathy. Is this really happening?

If you want to salvage this marriage, don't back down. If they were indeed having an affair, calmly confronting both was needed. What's the worse that can happen? Yes, your husband is the one who betrayed his vows but she is an adult woman knowingly participating in destroying a family. You did nothing wrong.

Now make up your mind about staying or leaving. If you are staying then ask your husband if he wants couple's counseling or divorce. Take it from there.

What's the worst that can happen?

1. You get yourself shot, or otherwise killed
2. You tell her husband, and her husband kills her and himself. Sometimes the kids too. The public doesn't always learn the reasons behind murder suicides, but I know one (personally know of) that occurred when the betrayed husband found out about an affair. Left their kids parentless.

It's never worth it. Get yourself tested for STDs, and get a divorce. He's not worth ruining your life over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she’s married, yes, confront. It will scare the sh@t out of her that you might tell her husband. You don’t have to be crazy or loony. You are just some abstract person to them- not someone who is real with kids and a life and emotions.

Then, decide what you want to do. But, advice is usually for all 4 involved to know (both betrayed spouses) so there are two sets of eyes on the problem if the betrayed spouses choose to reconcile.

It’s par for the course that someone with no empathy or character would blame you. It’s almost comical in that sense. You really can see the borderline personality disorder firsthand. It’s everyone else’s fault. They will try sympathy first and then lash out in anger when that doesn’t work.

The only proper response by an OW/OM (and spouse): I’m so sorry. But, none have empathy or character to say that.

They will often lie to try to hurt you more. You aren’t going to get any truth out of them.

+1

Any other response by an ow/OM shows their poor character and lack of empathy. (In other words, you will never get an apology).

[Anonymous]

I am an OW. If I were confronted, I would say I'm sorry and I don't expect her forgiveness. She can tell my husband, but he already knows and knew from the beginning. I was intensely lonely in my own marriage and made a terrible mistake in a moment of weakness. He told me everything I wanted to hear and made me feel beautiful and alive again, and told me that his wife was not interested in him or his needs at all and that he was lonely too.

[Anonymous]

This is just wrong on so many levels it's not even worth getting into your ridiculous assumptions.

I'm sorry you were cheated on, but the above is true. I don't think it's necessarily that "he isn't satisfied with you", but something else is going on. It's not like APs are some irresistible siren and the cheater has no control.

Do you always make so many assumptions? There you go again. Married 30 years, no cheating by either of us. I have, however, witnessed close friends who were cheated on. The cheating had nothing to do with what they did or did not do, and everything to do with the character defects of the cheating spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an OW. If I were confronted, I would say I'm sorry and I don't expect her forgiveness. She can tell my husband, but he already knows and knew from the beginning. I was intensely lonely in my own marriage and made a terrible mistake in a moment of weakness. He told me everything I wanted to hear and made me feel beautiful and alive again, and told me that his wife was not interested in him or his needs at all and that he was lonely too.

He knew from the beginning? You had an open marriage. Cheat with single people, don’t mess up families. That’s a lot of unnecessary trauma and drama when you could just as easily get single D. Awful to do to another woman/mother.

I’m sure you walked around wishing everyone a “Happy International Women’s day” yesterday. Hypocrite. No friend of women.