Has confronting the other woman ever gone well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope.

Never works, just makes things worse.

And why? The beef is with the DH not the AP. No AP forces another person to have an affair. That is ridiculous.

This tired line is ridiculous. No one “forced” the AP, a grown-ass adult with intact decision-making capacity, to screw a married man either. The “beef” is with BPTH of them, not just the husband. And don’t be predictable and blather on about vOwS. Anyone who thinks “vows” matter is childish and naive.

And of the APs who claim “but I didn’t know he was married,” at best 10% of them are telling the truth, and that’s a generous estimate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I emailed her H. That was pretty satisfying. She was part of a friends group and cutting them off was also satisfying because they tried to pretend to “my friend” to get information for her. I stayed friends with the ones that just didn’t get involved. The ones I cut off are still a little bitter.

I actually confronted another one because she was single. She also wrote me a letter begging me to be friends and she’d promise not to sleep with my h anymore. I told her about the married one, that was fun. She told me I was a bad wife, lol. I ran into her dad and said, “your daughter dates married men btw, I think she needs therapy”. He later made her get therapy do I feel I did the world a favor

I am not afraid of conflict so it was fine for me but I think it’s bad if you avoid conflict or that brings you anxiety.

Good for you. Every person in your position should do this, preferably to the spouse’s work email, where the AP has less of a chance to intercept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I emailed her H. That was pretty satisfying. She was part of a friends group and cutting them off was also satisfying because they tried to pretend to “my friend” to get information for her. I stayed friends with the ones that just didn’t get involved. The ones I cut off are still a little bitter.

I actually confronted another one because she was single. She also wrote me a letter begging me to be friends and she’d promise not to sleep with my h anymore. I told her about the married one, that was fun. She told me I was a bad wife, lol. I ran into her dad and said, “your daughter dates married men btw, I think she needs therapy”. He later made her get therapy do I feel I did the world a favor

I am not afraid of conflict so it was fine for me but I think it’s bad if you avoid conflict or that brings you anxiety.

You sound crazy.

They sound right. You sound like a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people on here are cheaters. Additionally, people will gaslight you into believing that the AP is not at fault.

Yes, confront them. If they have a partner, tell them too. Nobody should have to unknowingly risk their health because their partner is a lying s**t.

How is it the AP's fault?

NO it is the cheaters fault.

Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize she tripped and fell onto his genitals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a bunch of lunatics, letting the Other Woman off scot free.

She deserved to be punished, so she was.

DCUM is rife with cheaters, who make the same idiotic HURR DURR U HAVE A DH PROBLEM responses to every thread about infidelity. Consider the source. They’re pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Reaching out to the spouse could get someone killed. Also so often the APs have a lot to lose socially if the affair comes to light. So the BW won’t confront the AP or her DH bc it would make the cheating husband look bad at work if everyone knew, expose him or his firm to a lawsuit, or whatever. So the cheating husband strings along the OW until she thinks it’s her idea to end it so he isn’t materially harmed and the wife says nothing because it’s her $ too.

Let’s change your first sentence:

Sleeping with someone else’s spouse could get someone killed.


Christ. The passion from betrayal causes stable people to do crazy things. It all would never happen if the cheating didn’t happen in the first place. End of story.

Yep. Again a poster trying to shame a betrayed partner for not keeping everyone’s secrets. The toll it takes on a person to let that happen and carry that secret is huge. It’s gross people are advocating he/she turn a blind eye and just let everyone keep up their harmful, abusive behavior. The only one suffering in this situation is the victim: the betrayed spouse.

again, the belief that the betrayed spouse is the only one who suffers in these situations is myopic and false. Everyone suffers eventually. Everyone.

And the cheater and the AP deserve that suffering. Glad you’re all caught up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reaching out to the spouse could get someone killed. Also so often the APs have a lot to lose socially if the affair comes to light. So the BW won’t confront the AP or her DH bc it would make the cheating husband look bad at work if everyone knew, expose him or his firm to a lawsuit, or whatever. So the cheating husband strings along the OW until she thinks it’s her idea to end it so he isn’t materially harmed and the wife says nothing because it’s her $ too.

Uh ok. I make $250k. It’s my money too and my shared properties. Me. There’s a lot to lose for not saying something and ending it.

It’s just like a dumb ow to not think the guy she’s banging wealth and homes had a lot to do with his wife.

You only make $250K? Snort.

I’m sorry you’re so insecure. I hope you feel better soon.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:What a bunch of lunatics, letting the Other Woman off scot free.

She deserved to be punished, so she was.

I can see why your DH cheated.

A 16 year old has entered the thread.

Just someone (an old someone) who recognizes where the fault lies. If you want to “punish” anyone it should be your DH who broke his vows.

The fault lies with both of the adults who chose to enter into an extramarital affair. Period.

“Vows?” Are you 12?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Reaching out to the spouse could get someone killed. Also so often the APs have a lot to lose socially if the affair comes to light. So the BW won’t confront the AP or her DH bc it would make the cheating husband look bad at work if everyone knew, expose him or his firm to a lawsuit, or whatever. So the cheating husband strings along the OW until she thinks it’s her idea to end it so he isn’t materially harmed and the wife says nothing because it’s her $ too.

Uh ok. I make $250k. It’s my money too and my shared properties. Me. There’s a lot to lose for not saying something and ending it.

It’s just like a dumb ow to not think the guy she’s banging wealth and homes had a lot to do with his wife.

You only make $250K? Snort.

Only 3% of women make $250K or more so I’m sure she is top of the food chain and far above anybody that says “snort”.

Keep telling yourself that, underachiever.

Math is not your strong point, nor is English for that matter, or IQ, or EQ.

Yet somehow I am better educated than you and out-earn you. Wild!

I know you think these posts make you look strong and cool, but they actually showcase your insecurity and immaturity. Wild!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Nope.

Never works, just makes things worse.

And why? The beef is with the DH not the AP. No AP forces another person to have an affair. That is ridiculous.

+1

She isn’t the one who broke your vows.

That's such a disordered way of thinking. I'd love to talk to your therapist to see how you go to this place in your life.

Why not confront both of them? I’ve been married 25 years and if I found out my spouse had an AP over a period of time, I’d certainly need to find out who it was and say something. It’s really nice to think you can enter someone’s marriage with no consequences and the spouse is supposed to welcome you with open arms or turn him over.

Shedding light on a secret situation is empowering and an important part of recovery for many- whether they stay or go. You are t a victim when you look the big fat albatross directly in the eye and say “I see you”. It’s not so fun once the secret is out.

I’m not an OW, but if a wife confronted me I simply wouldn’t engage. I don’t have to talk to anyone I don’t want to, so I’d just leave.

“I’m so sorry” would be an adequate response. But I guess people with no conscience or empathy don’t feel they need to apologize to people they harm with their part in a situation.

Dream on. Why should she apologize to someone who literally wishes her ill? Apologizing won’t change anything. If she stopped it’s all that matters.

Either you’re a troll or you actually believe this. Either way, you’re a joke.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I confronted her, she kept on lying about it.

I also confronted. She got angry about him ratting her out and betraying all of their secrets to me. She also was terrified I was going to tell her spouse.

It was beneficial for me. I had already confronted and dealt with my spouse and I don’t let people bully me without confronting them.

Healing really didn’t begin until I got to say my piece to the people that wronged me. It was akin to taking my power back.

They both knew their families/spouses/kids would suffer trauma by what they were doing but it was just some harmless fun and an es are for them. “It didn’t mean anything”. They failed to calculate how wrong that was.

Oh and nobody knows but the 4 people (spouses and cheaters) not the kids. She had no employer and why would his work ever need to know?

Oh and her ho girlfriends she glamorized it too and also cheat on their husbands.

Oh so silly. Once you confront you have no control over who she tells, his work or whoever. You can’t control her response. Why escalate. Your DH is the o my one who matters.

You realize there was no control and she already was telling other people. And then there is the inherent risk of other people seeing the spouse and OW together and the kids finding out that way. That’s a much greater risk. Better to end the whole thing.

Really? And you think this is the OW’s responsibility and not YOUR HUSBAND’S?

I’ll type slowly for you, to assist you in reading comprehension.

I
T’
S

B
O
T
H

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is so strange to read pro-OW/OM posts. Who thinks like this? Who thinks banging married people is an honorable and good thing?

Cheaters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's amusing but also sad how desperate some women are just to be married that they stay with a cheater -- and then try to act like they've won something. Your cheater DH sucks but so do you...

He didn't leave his wife for you like he said he would, huh? You sound real bitter, boo. You probably still check up on their social media looking for a crack. Does it keep you up at night that he never really wanted to be with you??

Your assumption is that every OW wants her AP to leave his wife. Not true. Some just want the hot sex, gifts, and a non-committed nice time whenever they can be together. She is not looking for the cheater to become her husband. Trust me.

The majority of them do. Have you ever read any of the "Other Woman" forums on the internet. They all whine about the wives and waiting for kids to graduate high school so the man can finally leave his wretched wife and be with them. Most women can not compartmentalize the way that men do and they ultimately catch feelings and fall in love. "Some" want the gifts, but most want the man. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Reaching out to the spouse could get someone killed. Also so often the APs have a lot to lose socially if the affair comes to light. So the BW won’t confront the AP or her DH bc it would make the cheating husband look bad at work if everyone knew, expose him or his firm to a lawsuit, or whatever. So the cheating husband strings along the OW until she thinks it’s her idea to end it so he isn’t materially harmed and the wife says nothing because it’s her $ too.

Let’s change your first sentence:

Sleeping with someone else’s spouse could get someone killed.

Christ. The passion from betrayal causes stable people to do crazy things. It all would never happen if the cheating didn’t happen in the first place. End of story.

Yep. Again a poster trying to shame a betrayed partner for not keeping everyone’s secrets. The toll it takes on a person to let that happen and carry that secret is huge. It’s gross people are advocating he/she turn a blind eye and just let everyone keep up their harmful, abusive behavior. The only one suffering in this situation is the victim: the betrayed spouse.

No blind eye needed. Divorce is appropriate. And you can be frank about why, if you want, although sometimes there are reasons not to be quite as frank as at other contexts (e.g., tell your best friend or his mom or your shared old friend the details, but you don't have to bring it up to your child's middle school teacher that his dad was doing anal at the Route 66 No-Tell Motel while the other woman did 8-balls and honked like a goose, or whatever. You can, if you want, leave it at irreconcilable differences and a disapproving look. Or not. It's your child, you decide).

If you think extreme displays of wrath and comeuppance is the only alternative to "keeping secrets," then there is a problem with your imagination.

And no, I've never cheated, not been cheated on. Other bad things have happened, including physical abuse, but not that.

That’s very black and white thinking.

Divorce might be appropriate but I don’t think a 25 year happy marriage with a short affair indicates a spouse needs therapy not a divorce (necessarily).

Not sure why you have jumped to extreme displays of wrath when nobody on this thread has reported doing that or recommended it. I’m thinking your abuse has you in a pattern of this disordered thinking and I suggest DBT therapy for that.

Honestly, if people have been married 25 years, he’s probably just bored to tears with your snatch. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.

She likely is bored with his D and dad bod as well. But she doesn’t need to blow other men.

I heartily concur! Same old D is boring as hell. Why don’t they come to an agreement, then?

They did. The agreement was to be monogamous. He broke the agreement.

But if she’s bored as well, then why not spice things up?

Because they see more value in monogamy. People who always need to “spice things up” are chasing something that doesn’t exist. I’d suggest understanding why you have that unhealthy thought patterns.

Many people can’t be happy unless there is drama. It’s due to early childhood trauma and an addiction to cortisol which is released when engaging in risky activities. This is why when an affair is brought to light it becomes boring and rarely becomes a relationship.

Lol, there’s nothing sacrosanct about monogamy. Wanting something else is not pathological. Would you prefer your husband abruptly divorce you, than broach the topic of trying something a bit different?

An agreement is sacrosanct. If I choose monogamy that’s my choice. If my spouse agrees it’s on him to not break that agreement unilaterally. Taking away my choice breaks out agreement.

I’d rather my H bring up opening the marriage and I have the option to do that or divorce.

The problem is a H knows it will lead to divorce and they didnt want to divorce.

I divorced.

Always chasing “spice” is pathological. I suggest reading the “power of now” by Eckert Tolle to understand the root of your destructive thinking.

I simply disagree completely. Variety is the spice of life, in every regard. Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

Of course you do. These things follow patterns. That’s why it’s so easy, even from a few posts on a thread, to pick out those who have suffered abuse, molestation and abandonment.

People who can’t even sit quietly with their own thoughts. Those who must experience joy from a stranger telling them they are wonderful. People who can’t even imagine joy brought on intrinsically.

You’ll chase the “spice” to your own demise. Nobody will change your mind, I won’t stop you. If you stand in front of a fast moving train you won’t stop a train wreck. Some people need to wreck their own train to come to the realization of their disordered thinking.

It’s too bad. I wish you well on your journey down to the ashes and I hope you rise from them.

DP. You also won't stop armchair analyzing other people, apparently. Fascinating.

The lady doth protest to much me thinks

*too *methinks

Your efforts to sound superior and intelligent by quoting literature are failing badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am someone who was cheated on. I had no desire to speak to the "other woman" but I heard from a mutual friend that the OW once dumped by my ex, wanted to write to me, sort of to apologize. I made it clear that I never wanted to hear from her and that if I saw her, I'd probably break her face.

My ex-H dumped the OW after we divorced too. No clue if she feels any remorse for her part in the dissolution of our marriage. I doubt it after all of the nasty things she said to me. She felt like she deserved him and yeah, she did.