DIL choosing not to get involved in MIL's care - is this OK?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like SIL feels that OP's husband is not pulling his weight. Yes, logistically since they live closer it is easier for them to visit MIL. But, just because they have PT work or creative work, I don't think you should discount the time that might take away from their work/earnings or frankly other priorities they might have in their lives.

OP's DH needs to talk with his sister - maybe there are other ways he can contribute or support that don't involve in-person visits.

It's fine for OP to not get involved in MIL's care, but OP's husband needs to contribute to supporting his mother equally with the siblings (not necessarily by visits, but could be in other ways). OP has said that the other two siblings live closer and both of their spouses are also helping out too, it does seem like there is some likely imbalance.

My DH visits his mother and he also helps from afar. He does the 'boring' and time consuming household admin and finance work remotely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is that SIL’s husband on? Are you the only spouse not on?

Yes and yes.

I'm not always around. My work involves working away regularly.

Okay, so your DH isn’t actually pulling his weight on MIL’s care. The other siblings are making it work by sharing the effort with their spouses, while your DH contributes less. I can see why SIL is unhappy.

My DH is the only sibling who works full-time. The others work very part-time or whenever they are able to get work (in a creative field).
The other siblings also live closer to MIL, 40 minutes vs 1.5 hours where we live.
I think DH does pull his weight, just in a different way. They all do different things.

And here comes the litany of excuses for why your DH “can’t” do his fair share. Plenty of us who have been involved in elder care for parents know this song well, we’ve heard it many times from our own siblings.

I was stating facts. My husband IS the only sibling who works full-time. We DO live 1.5 hours away from MIL (we moved away).
DH's siblings DO all work either part-time, or occasionally, or not at all.
It is the way it is.

So tell your SIL that. But it’s clear you feel guilty and are defensive for a reason.

[Anonymous]

No OP. I'm 60+. My DH and I have had 4 parents pass. Lots of siblings/their spouses in various roles. All were reasonable people, ... No. It might be nice if you could offer and be very reliable and consistent re: your visits/your time socializing with MIL. So, others can count on that, whatever it is. But don't get drawn in to other duties or more than you can do on a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is that SIL’s husband on? Are you the only spouse not on?

Yes and yes.

I'm not always around. My work involves working away regularly.

Okay, so your DH isn’t actually pulling his weight on MIL’s care. The other siblings are making it work by sharing the effort with their spouses, while your DH contributes less. I can see why SIL is unhappy.

My DH is the only sibling who works full-time. The others work very part-time or whenever they are able to get work (in a creative field).
The other siblings also live closer to MIL, 40 minutes vs 1.5 hours where we live.
I think DH does pull his weight, just in a different way. They all do different things.

And here comes the litany of excuses for why your DH “can’t” do his fair share. Plenty of us who have been involved in elder care for parents know this song well, we’ve heard it many times from our own siblings.

You speak from personal trauma, but it doesn't mean that OP's husband is slacking off.

OP has basically admitted that he/OP aren’t doing as much as the other siblings/their spouses.

It sounds to me like this isn’t necessary care, it’s being a “companion.” The amount of time SIL wants to spend with her own mom can be whatever she wants, but she doesn’t get to dictate how often OP goes to visit. Or OP’s DH. OP, how often does she get visited by one of the family? As long as it is once or twice a week by someone, that seems more than enough. Old people don’t have the right to be entertained constantly. If MIL is lonely, she needs to move to AL where she can make friends. Or have the caregivers drive her to the senior center.

[Anonymous]

OP - it is not your role/burden to solve this for them (the family). It is not your role to protect your husband from their criticism (by doing more).

This is a sibling issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is that SIL’s husband on? Are you the only spouse not on?

Yes and yes.

I'm not always around. My work involves working away regularly.

Okay, so your DH isn’t actually pulling his weight on MIL’s care. The other siblings are making it work by sharing the effort with their spouses, while your DH contributes less. I can see why SIL is unhappy.

My DH is the only sibling who works full-time. The others work very part-time or whenever they are able to get work (in a creative field).
The other siblings also live closer to MIL, 40 minutes vs 1.5 hours where we live.
I think DH does pull his weight, just in a different way. They all do different things.

And here comes the litany of excuses for why your DH “can’t” do his fair share. Plenty of us who have been involved in elder care for parents know this song well, we’ve heard it many times from our own siblings.

You speak from personal trauma, but it doesn't mean that OP's husband is slacking off.

OP has basically admitted that he/OP aren’t doing as much as the other siblings/their spouses.

It sounds to me like this isn’t necessary care, it’s being a “companion.” The amount of time SIL wants to spend with her own mom can be whatever she wants, but she doesn’t get to dictate how often OP goes to visit. Or OP’s DH. OP, how often does she get visited by one of the family? As long as it is once or twice a week by someone, that seems more than enough. Old people don’t have the right to be entertained constantly. If MIL is lonely, she needs to move to AL where she can make friends. Or have the caregivers drive her to the senior center.

MIL gets visited 4 days a week by her adult children. Daily phone calls too.

Yes, SIL would like me to be a 'companion', not a caregiver.
Being with her, taking her out, entertaining her, listening to her talk about the old days, her childhood, that kind of thing.
MIL already has a part time companion.

I know SIL is very worried about her mom's decline as she is so old. Also, most of MIL's friends have died so she doesn't really have her own friends anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is that SIL’s husband on? Are you the only spouse not on?

Yes and yes.

I'm not always around. My work involves working away regularly.

Okay, so your DH isn’t actually pulling his weight on MIL’s care. The other siblings are making it work by sharing the effort with their spouses, while your DH contributes less. I can see why SIL is unhappy.

My DH is the only sibling who works full-time. The others work very part-time or whenever they are able to get work (in a creative field).
The other siblings also live closer to MIL, 40 minutes vs 1.5 hours where we live.
I think DH does pull his weight, just in a different way. They all do different things.

And here comes the litany of excuses for why your DH “can’t” do his fair share. Plenty of us who have been involved in elder care for parents know this song well, we’ve heard it many times from our own siblings.

You speak from personal trauma, but it doesn't mean that OP's husband is slacking off.

OP has basically admitted that he/OP aren’t doing as much as the other siblings/their spouses.

They live further away. It isn't practical for OP or her husband to be there as often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like SIL feels that OP's husband is not pulling his weight. Yes, logistically since they live closer it is easier for them to visit MIL. But, just because they have PT work or creative work, I don't think you should discount the time that might take away from their work/earnings or frankly other priorities they might have in their lives.

OP's DH needs to talk with his sister - maybe there are other ways he can contribute or support that don't involve in-person visits.

It's fine for OP to not get involved in MIL's care, but OP's husband needs to contribute to supporting his mother equally with the siblings (not necessarily by visits, but could be in other ways). OP has said that the other two siblings live closer and both of their spouses are also helping out too, it does seem like there is some likely imbalance.

My DH visits his mother and he also helps from afar. He does the 'boring' and time consuming household admin and finance work remotely.

I'm not saying your DH isn't helping his mother already. But, still sounds like his sister is having some feelings about it (rightly or wrongly). So, he should address is with her. Could be that SIL is feeling overwhelmed. You/your husband shouldn't diminish the support SIL/BILs are providing on the ground - just because you feel like it is easier/more convenient for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is that SIL’s husband on? Are you the only spouse not on?

Yes and yes.

I'm not always around. My work involves working away regularly.

Okay, so your DH isn’t actually pulling his weight on MIL’s care. The other siblings are making it work by sharing the effort with their spouses, while your DH contributes less. I can see why SIL is unhappy.

My DH is the only sibling who works full-time. The others work very part-time or whenever they are able to get work (in a creative field).
The other siblings also live closer to MIL, 40 minutes vs 1.5 hours where we live.
I think DH does pull his weight, just in a different way. They all do different things.

And here comes the litany of excuses for why your DH “can’t” do his fair share. Plenty of us who have been involved in elder care for parents know this song well, we’ve heard it many times from our own siblings.

You speak from personal trauma, but it doesn't mean that OP's husband is slacking off.

OP has basically admitted that he/OP aren’t doing as much as the other siblings/their spouses.

It sounds to me like this isn’t necessary care, it’s being a “companion.” The amount of time SIL wants to spend with her own mom can be whatever she wants, but she doesn’t get to dictate how often OP goes to visit. Or OP’s DH. OP, how often does she get visited by one of the family? As long as it is once or twice a week by someone, that seems more than enough. Old people don’t have the right to be entertained constantly. If MIL is lonely, she needs to move to AL where she can make friends. Or have the caregivers drive her to the senior center.

MIL gets visited 4 days a week by her adult children. Daily phone calls too.

Yes, SIL would like me to be a 'companion', not a caregiver.
Being with her, taking her out, entertaining her, listening to her talk about the old days, her childhood, that kind of thing.
MIL already has a part time companion.

I know SIL is very worried about her mom's decline as she is so old. Also, most of MIL's friends have died so she doesn't really have her own friends anymore.

That is completely fine, more than enough IMO. I’d go once a month or so. Your SIL has issues, they don’t need to become your issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is that SIL’s husband on? Are you the only spouse not on?

Yes and yes.

I'm not always around. My work involves working away regularly.

Okay, so your DH isn’t actually pulling his weight on MIL’s care. The other siblings are making it work by sharing the effort with their spouses, while your DH contributes less. I can see why SIL is unhappy.

My DH is the only sibling who works full-time. The others work very part-time or whenever they are able to get work (in a creative field).
The other siblings also live closer to MIL, 40 minutes vs 1.5 hours where we live.
I think DH does pull his weight, just in a different way. They all do different things.

And here comes the litany of excuses for why your DH “can’t” do his fair share. Plenty of us who have been involved in elder care for parents know this song well, we’ve heard it many times from our own siblings.

You speak from personal trauma, but it doesn't mean that OP's husband is slacking off.

OP has basically admitted that he/OP aren’t doing as much as the other siblings/their spouses.

It sounds to me like this isn’t necessary care, it’s being a “companion.” The amount of time SIL wants to spend with her own mom can be whatever she wants, but she doesn’t get to dictate how often OP goes to visit. Or OP’s DH. OP, how often does she get visited by one of the family? As long as it is once or twice a week by someone, that seems more than enough. Old people don’t have the right to be entertained constantly. If MIL is lonely, she needs to move to AL where she can make friends. Or have the caregivers drive her to the senior center.

MIL gets visited 4 days a week by her adult children. Daily phone calls too.

Yes, SIL would like me to be a 'companion', not a caregiver.
Being with her, taking her out, entertaining her, listening to her talk about the old days, her childhood, that kind of thing.
MIL already has a part time companion.

I know SIL is very worried about her mom's decline as she is so old. Also, most of MIL's friends have died so she doesn't really have her own friends anymore.

That is completely fine, more than enough IMO. I’d go once a month or so. Your SIL has issues, they don’t need to become your issues.

My SIL feels overwhelmed and she is worried about her mother's physical decline and her declining cognitive abilities (which is understandable). She thinks loneliness and anxiety will deteriorate her mother's health in general, and will cause her to deteriorate and die.
I think the thought of her mom dying is frightening her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is that SIL’s husband on? Are you the only spouse not on?

Yes and yes.

I'm not always around. My work involves working away regularly.

Okay, so your DH isn’t actually pulling his weight on MIL’s care. The other siblings are making it work by sharing the effort with their spouses, while your DH contributes less. I can see why SIL is unhappy.

You know what? The "children" also have a right to live their lives too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is that SIL’s husband on? Are you the only spouse not on?

Yes and yes.

I'm not always around. My work involves working away regularly.

Okay, so your DH isn’t actually pulling his weight on MIL’s care. The other siblings are making it work by sharing the effort with their spouses, while your DH contributes less. I can see why SIL is unhappy.

You know what? The "children" also have a right to live their lives too.

I want to add my dh and his sister have done more for their mom than she did for her parents. Just saying!

[Anonymous]

Do you have aged parents and does SIL visit them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is that SIL’s husband on? Are you the only spouse not on?

Yes and yes.

I'm not always around. My work involves working away regularly.

Okay, so your DH isn’t actually pulling his weight on MIL’s care. The other siblings are making it work by sharing the effort with their spouses, while your DH contributes less. I can see why SIL is unhappy.

My DH is the only sibling who works full-time. The others work very part-time or whenever they are able to get work (in a creative field).
The other siblings also live closer to MIL, 40 minutes vs 1.5 hours where we live.
I think DH does pull his weight, just in a different way. They all do different things.

And here comes the litany of excuses for why your DH “can’t” do his fair share. Plenty of us who have been involved in elder care for parents know this song well, we’ve heard it many times from our own siblings.

You speak from personal trauma, but it doesn't mean that OP's husband is slacking off.

OP has basically admitted that he/OP aren’t doing as much as the other siblings/their spouses.

It sounds to me like this isn’t necessary care, it’s being a “companion.” The amount of time SIL wants to spend with her own mom can be whatever she wants, but she doesn’t get to dictate how often OP goes to visit. Or OP’s DH. OP, how often does she get visited by one of the family? As long as it is once or twice a week by someone, that seems more than enough. Old people don’t have the right to be entertained constantly. If MIL is lonely, she needs to move to AL where she can make friends. Or have the caregivers drive her to the senior center.

MIL gets visited 4 days a week by her adult children. Daily phone calls too.

Yes, SIL would like me to be a 'companion', not a caregiver.
Being with her, taking her out, entertaining her, listening to her talk about the old days, her childhood, that kind of thing.
MIL already has a part time companion.

I know SIL is very worried about her mom's decline as she is so old. Also, most of MIL's friends have died so she doesn't really have her own friends anymore.

That is completely fine, more than enough IMO. I’d go once a month or so. Your SIL has issues, they don’t need to become your issues.

My SIL feels overwhelmed and she is worried about her mother's physical decline and her declining cognitive abilities (which is understandable). She thinks loneliness and anxiety will deteriorate her mother's health in general, and will cause her to deteriorate and die.
I think the thought of her mom dying is frightening her.

This is thoughtful analysis but I would just caution you against acquiescing to your SIL's request in order to allay her fear about her mom. You visiting more is not going to stop her mom from declining and, ultimately, dying. Her mom is in her 90s. This is the end. She's scared and getting upset with you and your DH over a perceived lack of involvement is helping her to feel more in control. It's all understandable, but it's not your job to indulge it by doing what she asks. One way or another, your SIL will need to come to terms with losing her mom. You being on the "care schedule" will not change that.

I think you should maintain the empathy you have (good for you for being able to see that your SIL is speaking from a place of fear and sadness) but also maintain the reasonable boundaries your DH and you have set around this issue. Your SIL will acclimate to it or she will stay upset. Neither outcome is your resposnibility. I am sorry she is struggling but this is a struggle almost everyone goes through at some point. Her mom has lived a long life. But she will pass. Silly will have to accept it and no amount of accommodating SIL's demands will make it any easier to accept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is that SIL’s husband on? Are you the only spouse not on?

Yes and yes.

I'm not always around. My work involves working away regularly.

Okay, so your DH isn’t actually pulling his weight on MIL’s care. The other siblings are making it work by sharing the effort with their spouses, while your DH contributes less. I can see why SIL is unhappy.

My DH is the only sibling who works full-time. The others work very part-time or whenever they are able to get work (in a creative field).
The other siblings also live closer to MIL, 40 minutes vs 1.5 hours where we live.
I think DH does pull his weight, just in a different way. They all do different things.

And here comes the litany of excuses for why your DH “can’t” do his fair share. Plenty of us who have been involved in elder care for parents know this song well, we’ve heard it many times from our own siblings.

You speak from personal trauma, but it doesn't mean that OP's husband is slacking off.

OP has basically admitted that he/OP aren’t doing as much as the other siblings/their spouses.

It sounds to me like this isn’t necessary care, it’s being a “companion.” The amount of time SIL wants to spend with her own mom can be whatever she wants, but she doesn’t get to dictate how often OP goes to visit. Or OP’s DH. OP, how often does she get visited by one of the family? As long as it is once or twice a week by someone, that seems more than enough. Old people don’t have the right to be entertained constantly. If MIL is lonely, she needs to move to AL where she can make friends. Or have the caregivers drive her to the senior center.

+1