DIL choosing not to get involved in MIL's care - is this OK?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH needs to talk to his siblings to see if they feel they have taken on a larger share. Each sibling needs to contribute fairly via themselves or their spouse in their stead.

Actually, no. That might be true in your family but it's not true in every family and there are reasons why one sibling might take on a larger share.

Also, one problem with this approach is that if siblings disagree about the total amount of work needed, the person who wants the most work to be done will always be able to accuse others of not doing their "fair share". For instance, this situation, most of the actual care is being provided by paid employees (the physical care and all the house maintenance). What the siblings are doing is the companionship, to make sure the MIL is not alone all the time. For companionship, some siblings will feel that having family spending time with her twice a week is plenty. Others will feel that anything sort of daily is not enough. How do you reconcile that? The differing opinions will be based on personalities, their individual relationship with the MIL, and their own preferences. No one is "right", no one is "wrong". But it's not fair for the person who has decided that MIL must be visited for at least two hours, seven days a week, to then say "Ok, my SIL must take one of those shifts because otherwise it's not feasible."

If SIL thinks her mom needs to be visited daily, and the other siblings disagree, then it is up to the SIL to shoulder the burden of her much higher standard of what adequate care is. She can't force her siblings to feel differently, and she's not automatically correct about her demands just because it's more than what others feel is enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have aged parents and does SIL visit them?

Um she's not related to them. The correct question is does SIL visit her MIL, her husband's mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have aged parents and does SIL visit them?

Um she's not related to them. The correct question is does SIL visit her MIL, her husband's mom.

No, because SIL's husband's parents died a long time ago, but I'm sure she used to visit or host her own MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a DIL, age 55.

MIL is early 90s, living independently at home. She pays for a cleaner/housekeeper and for private caregivers.
Her adult children including my DH provide a lot of practical and pastoral support.

MIL and I get along very well (always have) but I don't get involved in her care. I see MIL from time to time, we have coffee together, we talk and we go out for lunch or dinner.
We don't live close to her.

DH thinks that's OK. One of his siblings thinks that's OK, but the other sibling thinks I should get involved and she has wanted to put me on the caregiving schedule. I've said no thanks. I am not close to SIL and it would open up a can of worms.

What do you think?

You are doing more than enough. The coffee and meal get togethers probably boost her spirits and make her feel younger. Your SIL can hire more caregivers, but friendship gestures are priceless.

[Anonymous]

I've been in a similar situation. Spouse and I provided most of the care for his Dad, while we had young children (2 under 7). We had private caregivers but he lived with us. SIL (husband's sister) came every 2 months for a weekend to help and give us respite. That was better than nothing I suppose, but her husband didn't do anything. It lasted 5 years.

I have accepted that she did what she could. But it wasn't equal, not even close, and when we asked that it be more equal, she couldn't comply because of her other restrictions (not local, small kids).

Our relationship will never be the same.

As for your situation, your spouse needs to put in an equal level of effort as his siblings. If you can foot the bill yourselves to pay for additional companionship, then you should offer to do that. If that means your DH's companionship is doubled, because you do not want to be there, then so be it. Whatever - if you want normal relations after your MIL dies, then you should do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been in a similar situation. Spouse and I provided most of the care for his Dad, while we had young children (2 under 7). We had private caregivers but he lived with us. SIL (husband's sister) came every 2 months for a weekend to help and give us respite. That was better than nothing I suppose, but her husband didn't do anything. It lasted 5 years.

I have accepted that she did what she could. But it wasn't equal, not even close, and when we asked that it be more equal, she couldn't comply because of her other restrictions (not local, small kids).

Our relationship will never be the same.

As for your situation, your spouse needs to put in an equal level of effort as his siblings. If you can foot the bill yourselves to pay for additional companionship, then you should offer to do that. If that means your DH's companionship is doubled, because you do not want to be there, then so be it. Whatever - if you want normal relations after your MIL dies, then you should do this.

I’m sorry, but based on the information in this post, you and your DH seem to be the ones driving the wedge here. SIL gave what time she could … including 2 full weekends a month. You feel like her husband should’ve given more, but most people in this thread agree that the siblings are the ones responsible for providing care.. not the siblings spouses. You clearly feel like you’re in the right here but I feel for SIL.

[Anonymous]

^ sorry, one weekend every other month. But my point still stands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been in a similar situation. Spouse and I provided most of the care for his Dad, while we had young children (2 under 7). We had private caregivers but he lived with us. SIL (husband's sister) came every 2 months for a weekend to help and give us respite. That was better than nothing I suppose, but her husband didn't do anything. It lasted 5 years.

I have accepted that she did what she could. But it wasn't equal, not even close, and when we asked that it be more equal, she couldn't comply because of her other restrictions (not local, small kids).

Our relationship will never be the same.

As for your situation, your spouse needs to put in an equal level of effort as his siblings. If you can foot the bill yourselves to pay for additional companionship, then you should offer to do that. If that means your DH's companionship is doubled, because you do not want to be there, then so be it. Whatever - if you want normal relations after your MIL dies, then you should do this.

I’m sorry, but based on the information in this post, you and your DH seem to be the ones driving the wedge here. SIL gave what time she could … including 2 full weekends a month. You feel like her husband should’ve given more, but most people in this thread agree that the siblings are the ones responsible for providing care.. not the siblings spouses. You clearly feel like you’re in the right here but I feel for SIL.

Read more clearly. Once every 2 months.

[Anonymous]

I did most things for my MIL but I did it for my husband (and her as I did love her) as he could not working and I had more flexibility. If she has caregivers, what do they actually need you to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been in a similar situation. Spouse and I provided most of the care for his Dad, while we had young children (2 under 7). We had private caregivers but he lived with us. SIL (husband's sister) came every 2 months for a weekend to help and give us respite. That was better than nothing I suppose, but her husband didn't do anything. It lasted 5 years.

I have accepted that she did what she could. But it wasn't equal, not even close, and when we asked that it be more equal, she couldn't comply because of her other restrictions (not local, small kids).

Our relationship will never be the same.

As for your situation, your spouse needs to put in an equal level of effort as his siblings. If you can foot the bill yourselves to pay for additional companionship, then you should offer to do that. If that means your DH's companionship is doubled, because you do not want to be there, then so be it. Whatever - if you want normal relations after your MIL dies, then you should do this.

You had paid caregivers, so what is the issue. Every two months sounds reasonable when she has young kids. Her husband is helping as he has to take care of their family while she is away. I did it without caregivers.

[Anonymous]

You have said above that your husband and one of his siblings are okay with your current level of involvement, and another sibling wants to put you on the help schedule.

You have said that the other siblings live closer than you (40 minutes as opposed to 90 minutes for you) and that while you work and often work away from home, the other siblings just work part time in a creative field.

You have said that your husband does less visiting and more accounting/remote helping type work that is also valuable to his mom. And that his mom pays for plenty of around the house help that is conducting the "heavy lifting" of her care but that one sibling thinks she could use more visit-type emotional support to help her from feeling lonely.

It sounds like even though the siblings live closer, they also have work that causes them to be unavailable at times. I would not want to be put on a schedule, but if I could I would try to visit your DH's mother more when the siblings are less available, to be more helpful during their times of greatest need. I would try to make a little more of an effort. You have said your husband is the only one with a full time job, so it sounds like your work, though often remote, is also part time -- maybe you can help a little more than you are doing in a way that would be really useful and not that much of a burden to you.

My mom is 94 around the time she turned 90 she stopped being able to live on her own without additional assistance. She ultimately went to live with my brother and then in assisted living when my brother got worried about falls. Getting old is no joke and it can be very isolating, fwiw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is that SIL’s husband on? Are you the only spouse not on?

+1 this matters

It doesn't matter. Whatever SIL's husband does or doesn't do is his choice. OP can make a different choice and that's fine.

It's important because it's about family sharing. It's equality. Clearly you are a taker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 5 SIL's only 1 helps with my mom. She pities me though (since I have 5 brothers and only 1 is helpful in any meaningful way) and she's just amazing in every way possible.

I eternally grateful to her but I have no expectation of my SILs helping, that is insane.

My nieces help some.

Your brothers need to step up.

Yes but they don’t and they won’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have said above that your husband and one of his siblings are okay with your current level of involvement, and another sibling wants to put you on the help schedule.

You have said that the other siblings live closer than you (40 minutes as opposed to 90 minutes for you) and that while you work and often work away from home, the other siblings just work part time in a creative field.

You have said that your husband does less visiting and more accounting/remote helping type work that is also valuable to his mom. And that his mom pays for plenty of around the house help that is conducting the "heavy lifting" of her care but that one sibling thinks she could use more visit-type emotional support to help her from feeling lonely.

It sounds like even though the siblings live closer, they also have work that causes them to be unavailable at times. I would not want to be put on a schedule, but if I could I would try to visit your DH's mother more when the siblings are less available, to be more helpful during their times of greatest need. I would try to make a little more of an effort. You have said your husband is the only one with a full time job, so it sounds like your work, though often remote, is also part time -- maybe you can help a little more than you are doing in a way that would be really useful and not that much of a burden to you.

My mom is 94 around the time she turned 90 she stopped being able to live on her own without additional assistance. She ultimately went to live with my brother and then in assisted living when my brother got worried about falls. Getting old is no joke and it can be very isolating, fwiw.

How much financial stuff is your husband "doing". The mom is in her 90s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is that SIL’s husband on? Are you the only spouse not on?

Yes and yes.

I'm not always around. My work involves working away regularly.

Okay, so your DH isn’t actually pulling his weight on MIL’s care. The other siblings are making it work by sharing the effort with their spouses, while your DH contributes less. I can see why SIL is unhappy.

Yep, there it is. The siblings are doing more because the inlaws are involved. Get off dcum and go help.