Reply to DIL choosing not to get involved in MIL's care

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Is that SIL’s husband on? Are you the only spouse not on? [/quote]

Yes and yes.

I'm not always around. My work involves working away regularly.[/quote]

Okay, so your DH isn’t actually pulling his weight on MIL’s care.  The other siblings are making it work by sharing the effort with their spouses, while your DH contributes less.  I can see why SIL is unhappy.[/quote]

My DH is the only sibling who works full-time. The others work very part-time or whenever they are able to get work (in a creative field).
The other siblings also live closer to MIL, 40 minutes vs 1.5 hours where we live.
I think DH does pull his weight, just in a different way. They all do different things.[/quote]

And here comes the litany of excuses for why your DH “can’t” do his fair share.  Plenty of us who have been involved in elder care for parents know this song well, we’ve heard it many times from our own siblings. [/quote]

You speak from personal trauma, but it doesn't mean that OP's husband is slacking off. [/quote]

OP has basically admitted that he/OP aren’t doing as much as the other siblings/their spouses.  [/quote]

It sounds to me like this isn’t necessary care, it’s being a “companion.”  The amount of time SIL wants to spend with her own mom can be whatever she wants, but she doesn’t get to dictate how often OP goes to visit.  Or OP’s DH.  OP, how often does she get visited by one of the family?  As long as it is once or twice a week by someone, that seems more than enough.  Old people don’t have the right to be entertained constantly.  If MIL is lonely, she needs to move to AL where she can make friends.  Or have the caregivers drive her to the senior center.[/quote]

MIL gets visited 4 days a week by her adult children. Daily phone calls too.

Yes, SIL would like me to be a 'companion', not a caregiver. 
Being with her, taking her out, entertaining her, listening to her talk about the old days, her childhood, that kind of thing.
MIL already has a part time companion.

I know SIL is very worried about her mom's decline as she is so old. Also, most of MIL's friends have died so she doesn't really have her own friends anymore.[/quote]

That is completely fine, more than enough IMO.  I’d go once a month or so.  Your SIL has issues, they don’t need to become your issues.[/quote]

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