DIL choosing not to get involved in MIL's care - is this OK?
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Anonymous
And here comes the litany of excuses for why your DH “can’t” do his fair share. Plenty of us who have been involved in elder care for parents know this song well, we’ve heard it many times from our own siblings. |
Anonymous
Your brothers need to step up. |
Anonymous
Agreed. It isn't for SIL to dictate what OP does to support MIL. If she feels overwhelmed, she can step back and more help can be hired, but she can't press OP into service. |
Anonymous
Agree |
Anonymous
Thanks for replying. I get it. It's often the case that the elderly person takes it all out on the main caregivers and the children who show up more often, and appears perfectly happy and affable to others who don't visit as much. That's my MIL, at any rate. She LOVES me and DH, because we live far away and can't hop on a plane very often. But she can be completely unpleasant and depressed with my poor BIL, who lives half of the time with her. It's unfair, but I've seen that dynamic play out so often. Familiarity breeds contempt. So you can always make conciliatory noises with your SIL, and visit a few more times, but unless your MIL is an angel, I wouldn't risk spoiling a good relationship. |
Anonymous
| How often does your DH go there to see/help his mom? |
Anonymous
Why do you care? It's not for you to deem it sufficient or insufficient. |
Anonymous
| It’s fine, and your DH can handle SIL. |
Anonymous
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Just joining the chorus of "you're fine" voices. Your SIL could have any number of reasons for believing you should be on the care schedule, but none of that changes the fact that this is your husband's mom, not yours, and your are doing what feels appropriate to you and makes sense within your marriage. Your SIL can choose to be resentful about that if she wishes, but her feelings on the matter do not dictate what happens. It's your choice and I think you are doing plenty.
Sometimes people get demanding when they reach this phase of elder care because they are unable to separate their feelings (about the fact that their mom is declining and will likely die soon, the fact that they themselves are getting older, about aspects of their relationship with their parents and siblings that might not be what they wished for or feel as satisfying as they thought it would, etc.) from the practical aspects of elder care like ensuring the parent is safe, getting proper care, and receiving an appropriate amount of companionship and affection. My sister does this regarding my mom's care. She will periodically start fights with my brothers or I, saying we need to be doing more, but it's based on her more general unhappiness about our mother's condition and about OLD resentments about family dynamics. My mother does not actually need any more care than she is getting, and my brothers and I do plenty. But my sister is working through her own grief and unhappiness by blaming it on the idea that we don't do enough, or that she does more. But a lot of the "more" she does is not necessary care. It's stuff like harassing my mom about what she eats or yelling at my dad about the fact that he doesn't do enough for her (he doesn't, but yelling at him doesn't change anything -- he is also old and that dynamic will never change). She wants me to do more harassing and yelling to relieve her of the burden. I'm not doing to. None of this actually changes anything about my mother's wellbeing. It is a separate dispute that is about my sister and her own feelings and my mom is actually incidental to it. |
Anonymous
OP came here for validation of her/her DH’s decision not to take a bigger role in MIL’s care. How much support they are currently providing is absolutely relevant to the question. If OP felt secure in her belief that they were doing enough, she wouldn’t have get the need to post here. She’s asking for validation because deep down she suspects they are not. |
Anonymous
| Your DH needs to talk to his siblings to see if they feel they have taken on a larger share. Each sibling needs to contribute fairly via themselves or their spouse in their stead. |
Anonymous
I was stating facts. My husband IS the only sibling who works full-time. We DO live 1.5 hours away from MIL (we moved away). DH's siblings DO all work either part-time, or occasionally, or not at all. It is the way it is. |
Anonymous
You speak from personal trauma, but it doesn't mean that OP's husband is slacking off. |
Anonymous
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Sounds like SIL feels that OP's husband is not pulling his weight. Yes, logistically since they live closer it is easier for them to visit MIL. But, just because they have PT work or creative work, I don't think you should discount the time that might take away from their work/earnings or frankly other priorities they might have in their lives.
OP's DH needs to talk with his sister - maybe there are other ways he can contribute or support that don't involve in-person visits. It's fine for OP to not get involved in MIL's care, but OP's husband needs to contribute to supporting his mother equally with the siblings (not necessarily by visits, but could be in other ways). OP has said that the other two siblings live closer and both of their spouses are also helping out too, it does seem like there is some likely imbalance. |
Anonymous
OP has basically admitted that he/OP aren’t doing as much as the other siblings/their spouses. |