DIL choosing not to get involved in MIL's care - is this OK?

[Anonymous]

I think someone needs to look at the bigger picture here. If 90yo mil is lonely with two local children who visit regularly and a son and dil 1.5 hrs away who visit semi-regularly, it may be time to look into a move to assisted living where mil could be surrounded by people and activities instead of living alone, or at a minimum, have “companion care” where someone comes and stays with her during the daytime. That would likely be a better solution than pressuring op to do more three-hour round trips to visit. How much would that help really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is that SIL’s husband on? Are you the only spouse not on?

Yes and yes.

I'm not always around. My work involves working away regularly.

Okay, so your DH isn’t actually pulling his weight on MIL’s care. The other siblings are making it work by sharing the effort with their spouses, while your DH contributes less. I can see why SIL is unhappy.

My DH is the only sibling who works full-time. The others work very part-time or whenever they are able to get work (in a creative field).
The other siblings also live closer to MIL, 40 minutes vs 1.5 hours where we live.
I think DH does pull his weight, just in a different way. They all do different things.

And here comes the litany of excuses for why your DH “can’t” do his fair share. Plenty of us who have been involved in elder care for parents know this song well, we’ve heard it many times from our own siblings.

You speak from personal trauma, but it doesn't mean that OP's husband is slacking off.

OP has basically admitted that he/OP aren’t doing as much as the other siblings/their spouses.

And that does not, quite obviously, mean that OP's husband is slacking off. There is no requirement that their efforts be equal. They each do what they can, and what they want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been in a similar situation. Spouse and I provided most of the care for his Dad, while we had young children (2 under 7). We had private caregivers but he lived with us. SIL (husband's sister) came every 2 months for a weekend to help and give us respite. That was better than nothing I suppose, but her husband didn't do anything. It lasted 5 years.

I have accepted that she did what she could. But it wasn't equal, not even close, and when we asked that it be more equal, she couldn't comply because of her other restrictions (not local, small kids).

Our relationship will never be the same.

As for your situation, your spouse needs to put in an equal level of effort as his siblings. If you can foot the bill yourselves to pay for additional companionship, then you should offer to do that. If that means your DH's companionship is doubled, because you do not want to be there, then so be it. Whatever - if you want normal relations after your MIL dies, then you should do this.

That is ridiculous. And I mean you are ridiculous, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did most things for my MIL but I did it for my husband (and her as I did love her) as he could not working and I had more flexibility. If she has caregivers, what do they actually need you to do?

Companionship, keeping her company, talking with her, taking her places, MIL reminiscing about the old days when she was young, looking at old pictures together, that kind of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been in a similar situation. Spouse and I provided most of the care for his Dad, while we had young children (2 under 7). We had private caregivers but he lived with us. SIL (husband's sister) came every 2 months for a weekend to help and give us respite. That was better than nothing I suppose, but her husband didn't do anything. It lasted 5 years.

I have accepted that she did what she could. But it wasn't equal, not even close, and when we asked that it be more equal, she couldn't comply because of her other restrictions (not local, small kids).

Our relationship will never be the same.

As for your situation, your spouse needs to put in an equal level of effort as his siblings. If you can foot the bill yourselves to pay for additional companionship, then you should offer to do that. If that means your DH's companionship is doubled, because you do not want to be there, then so be it. Whatever - if you want normal relations after your MIL dies, then you should do this.

You had paid caregivers, so what is the issue. Every two months sounds reasonable when she has young kids. Her husband is helping as he has to take care of their family while she is away. I did it without caregivers.

Well, we both had jobs (not remote). With 2 young kids (0 and 2 when this started). And we didn't have 24 hr paid caregivers because we aren't loaded. We did all medication management and meals. We used FIL's funds and supplemented ourselves to give him daily CNA care while we were gone for work, but we also had to help with toileting, bathing, etc. occasionally when the CNAs could not come.

For 5 years.

Her husband didn't help. In fact, she brought her own kids with her each time rather than leave them with BIL. Her help wasn't very helpful when she was always watching her kids instead of providing companionship.

The reality is that in a lot of families there isn't a sense of equality. Often the oldest gets the brunt of the burden. And sometimes its the daughter. So I wonder if OP falls into that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been in a similar situation. Spouse and I provided most of the care for his Dad, while we had young children (2 under 7). We had private caregivers but he lived with us. SIL (husband's sister) came every 2 months for a weekend to help and give us respite. That was better than nothing I suppose, but her husband didn't do anything. It lasted 5 years.

I have accepted that she did what she could. But it wasn't equal, not even close, and when we asked that it be more equal, she couldn't comply because of her other restrictions (not local, small kids).

Our relationship will never be the same.

As for your situation, your spouse needs to put in an equal level of effort as his siblings. If you can foot the bill yourselves to pay for additional companionship, then you should offer to do that. If that means your DH's companionship is doubled, because you do not want to be there, then so be it. Whatever - if you want normal relations after your MIL dies, then you should do this.

You had paid caregivers, so what is the issue. Every two months sounds reasonable when she has young kids. Her husband is helping as he has to take care of their family while she is away. I did it without caregivers.

Well, we both had jobs (not remote). With 2 young kids (0 and 2 when this started). And we didn't have 24 hr paid caregivers because we aren't loaded. We did all medication management and meals. We used FIL's funds and supplemented ourselves to give him daily CNA care while we were gone for work, but we also had to help with toileting, bathing, etc. occasionally when the CNAs could not come.

For 5 years.

Her husband didn't help. In fact, she brought her own kids with her each time rather than leave them with BIL. Her help wasn't very helpful when she was always watching her kids instead of providing companionship.

The reality is that in a lot of families there isn't a sense of equality. Often the oldest gets the brunt of the burden. And sometimes its the daughter. So I wonder if OP falls into that situation.

Was the estate divided equally at the end between brother and sister?

[Anonymous]

Nobody gets to dictate a schedule of who does what when. You do what you can handle. It's not just about who has kids what age and what jobs. It's about the relationship with the parent and what you can handle without burning out. It's a lot easier to be the Golden child and breeze in and have mom happy to see you as she serves you tea, than it is to be mom's little Cinderella who is expected to do tasks for her all as she criticizes you, guilt trips you and tells you how much better your sibling is.

We don't have kids to have them take care of us. None of chose to be born. We all have to plan to for our futures.

I helped dad a lot because he was loving and kind and appreciative. I helped mom until she became so combative and difficult I could not take it anymore. My siblings have no idea what it is like to deal with her dark side because every time they came to town it was cause for celebration and her doting on them while she complained about me.

Sibling relationships fall apart because of past dysfunction, personalities and not giving eachother grace and having realist expectations. Yes, not all parents can afford the care they need. So the very least they could do is be on their absolute best behavior when an adult child steps up. Dementia adds a twist to that, but there are places even for those of modest means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been in a similar situation. Spouse and I provided most of the care for his Dad, while we had young children (2 under 7). We had private caregivers but he lived with us. SIL (husband's sister) came every 2 months for a weekend to help and give us respite. That was better than nothing I suppose, but her husband didn't do anything. It lasted 5 years.

I have accepted that she did what she could. But it wasn't equal, not even close, and when we asked that it be more equal, she couldn't comply because of her other restrictions (not local, small kids).

Our relationship will never be the same.

As for your situation, your spouse needs to put in an equal level of effort as his siblings. If you can foot the bill yourselves to pay for additional companionship, then you should offer to do that. If that means your DH's companionship is doubled, because you do not want to be there, then so be it. Whatever - if you want normal relations after your MIL dies, then you should do this.

You had paid caregivers, so what is the issue. Every two months sounds reasonable when she has young kids. Her husband is helping as he has to take care of their family while she is away. I did it without caregivers.

Well, we both had jobs (not remote). With 2 young kids (0 and 2 when this started). And we didn't have 24 hr paid caregivers because we aren't loaded. We did all medication management and meals. We used FIL's funds and supplemented ourselves to give him daily CNA care while we were gone for work, but we also had to help with toileting, bathing, etc. occasionally when the CNAs could not come.

For 5 years.

Her husband didn't help. In fact, she brought her own kids with her each time rather than leave them with BIL. Her help wasn't very helpful when she was always watching her kids instead of providing companionship.

The reality is that in a lot of families there isn't a sense of equality. Often the oldest gets the brunt of the burden. And sometimes its the daughter. So I wonder if OP falls into that situation.

Was the estate divided equally at the end between brother and sister?

There was no estate. All funds were used up, plus what we spent on his care in addition. probably $60-70,000.

No, SIL giving us 35000 wouldn't fix the inherent issue - which is unequal levels of caregiving.