DIL choosing not to get involved in MIL's care - is this OK?
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Anonymous
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I am a DIL, age 55.
MIL is early 90s, living independently at home. She pays for a cleaner/housekeeper and for private caregivers. Her adult children including my DH provide a lot of practical and pastoral support. MIL and I get along very well (always have) but I don't get involved in her care. I see MIL from time to time, we have coffee together, we talk and we go out for lunch or dinner. We don't live close to her. DH thinks that's OK. One of his siblings thinks that's OK, but the other sibling thinks I should get involved and she has wanted to put me on the caregiving schedule. I've said no thanks. I am not close to SIL and it would open up a can of worms. What do you think? |
Anonymous
| You’re doing plenty. |
Anonymous
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Yes, it's okay.
Sounds like they have a good thing going, but there's a sibling who wants some more time off. He/she can work with siblings to hire more caregiving time. |
Anonymous
| You’re fine with the way things are In the status quo. Your SIL’s opinion doesn’t matter. |
Anonymous
| It’s fine. Do your best to pick up some extra household stuff to enable your DH to do more for his mom, and call it a day. That’s what my BIL does and it works well. My husband by contrast both does that and pitches in directly - but different personalities. |
Anonymous
| Your MIL probably enjoys being treated like a normal person by you, as opposed to a caregiver's burden. |
Anonymous
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“My role has been and will be to support Kevin in his caretaking duties by taking care of the house and the kids while he is with MIL or working out plans with you. If Kevin needs my direct help with anything for Momma Beth, he will let me know.”
Who, if anyone, is saying this to you directly? If it’s one of the siblings, there’s your script. If this is getting to you via your husband, give him that script, tell him to use it, and tell him to stop passing on their comments. |
Anonymous
| Is that SIL’s husband on? Are you the only spouse not on? |
Anonymous
| It’s fine. In your case, I would likely do more because you haven’t stated any particular reason why you wouldn’t. But doing more would be above and beyond and there’s no duty to go that far if you don’t want to. |
Anonymous
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What more does SIL want you to actually do, and why? Is it because MIL desperately need more help? Is your DH clueless about this and SIL is the one doing the heavy lifting and she's getting resentful?
I am a DIL who doesn't lift a finger, because my MIL has plenty of care and doesn't need my help. But I'd want to check that the sibling who is asking for your help isn't being completely overburdened. It's so typical that the daughter would be in that situation, and her brothers be lackadaisical. |
Anonymous
This was my exact question. |
Anonymous
X1000 truly. I would completely appreciate an in law who took the time for those one on one activities. It’s really thoughtful of you. Nothing should be expected of you and anything you provide should be greatly appreciated |
Anonymous
NP and this is irrelevant. |
Anonymous
| Your family unit is contributing equally with the others, so I think you’re fine. That said, how are the other two siblings situated in terms of spouses and their participation. If you are covering more on the home front when your DH is helping MIL, it may be easier overall for your DH to help than a sibling who doesn’t have a spouse and therefore needs to come home and do for themselves everything you’ve been doing for your DH. If this is more about caregiver burnout and SIL trying to find some relief than about you personally, maybe the siblings should reconsider the schedule. |
Anonymous
No one is saying this to me directly. SIL has mentioned it to DH. Her husband too. DH told them things are fine as they are. |