DIL choosing not to get involved in MIL's care - is this OK?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re doing plenty.

X1000 truly. I would completely appreciate an in law who took the time for those one on one activities. It’s really thoughtful of you. Nothing should be expected of you and anything you provide should be greatly appreciated

+1

You are not her daughter and your SIL has no say in what you do and do not do for your husband's mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“My role has been and will be to support Kevin in his caretaking duties by taking care of the house and the kids while he is with MIL or working out plans with you. If Kevin needs my direct help with anything for Momma Beth, he will let me know.”

Who, if anyone, is saying this to you directly? If it’s one of the siblings, there’s your script. If this is getting to you via your husband, give him that script, tell him to use it, and tell him to stop passing on their comments.

No one is saying this to me directly.
SIL has mentioned it to DH. Her husband too. DH told them things are fine as they are.

Is SIL’s husband on the schedule?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What more does SIL want you to actually do, and why? Is it because MIL desperately need more help? Is your DH clueless about this and SIL is the one doing the heavy lifting and she's getting resentful?

I am a DIL who doesn't lift a finger, because my MIL has plenty of care and doesn't need my help.

But I'd want to check that the sibling who is asking for your help isn't being completely overburdened. It's so typical that the daughter would be in that situation, and her brothers be lackadaisical.

MIL doesn't desperately need more practical help, she has plenty. Her cleaner/housekeeper and her private caregivers are doing the hard labor.
DH and his siblings are doing great.

SIL meant I could be more of a companion to MIL so that she doesn't feel lonely and anxious, and it would lift her mood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is that SIL’s husband on? Are you the only spouse not on?

This was my exact question.

NP and this is irrelevant.

Well it isn’t if complaining SIL is leaving her own husband off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is that SIL’s husband on? Are you the only spouse not on?

+1 this matters

[Anonymous]

Selectively answering questions makes me suspect OP is hiding some imbalance in how much each of the siblings/their spouses contributes to MIL’s care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is that SIL’s husband on? Are you the only spouse not on?

Yes and yes.

I'm not always around. My work involves working away regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is that SIL’s husband on? Are you the only spouse not on?

Yes and yes.

I'm not always around. My work involves working away regularly.

Okay, so your DH isn’t actually pulling his weight on MIL’s care. The other siblings are making it work by sharing the effort with their spouses, while your DH contributes less. I can see why SIL is unhappy.

[Anonymous]

When you become a caregiver, it changes the dynamic. I think what you’re providing her with companionship is truly a gift! You are doing enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is that SIL’s husband on? Are you the only spouse not on?

Yes and yes.

I'm not always around. My work involves working away regularly.

Okay, so your DH isn’t actually pulling his weight on MIL’s care. The other siblings are making it work by sharing the effort with their spouses, while your DH contributes less. I can see why SIL is unhappy.

My DH is the only sibling who works full-time. The others work very part-time or whenever they are able to get work (in a creative field).
The other siblings also live closer to MIL, 40 minutes vs 1.5 hours where we live.
I think DH does pull his weight, just in a different way. They all do different things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a DIL, age 55.

MIL is early 90s, living independently at home. She pays for a cleaner/housekeeper and for private caregivers.
Her adult children including my DH provide a lot of practical and pastoral support.

MIL and I get along very well (always have) but I don't get involved in her care. I see MIL from time to time, we have coffee together, we talk and we go out for lunch or dinner.
We don't live close to her.

DH thinks that's OK. One of his siblings thinks that's OK, but the other sibling thinks I should get involved and she has wanted to put me on the caregiving schedule. I've said no thanks. I am not close to SIL and it would open up a can of worms.

What do you think?

You are NTA. The "other sibling" is TA. How presumptuous!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“My role has been and will be to support Kevin in his caretaking duties by taking care of the house and the kids while he is with MIL or working out plans with you. If Kevin needs my direct help with anything for Momma Beth, he will let me know.”

Who, if anyone, is saying this to you directly? If it’s one of the siblings, there’s your script. If this is getting to you via your husband, give him that script, tell him to use it, and tell him to stop passing on their comments.

No one is saying this to me directly.
SIL has mentioned it to DH. Her husband too. DH told them things are fine as they are.

How convenient for your DH that things are fine with everybody pitching in more. They probably think you should step up to make up for your husband's lack of involvement. The problem is the burden isn't shared more equitably and your husband needs to address that with his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is that SIL’s husband on? Are you the only spouse not on?

+1 this matters

It doesn't matter. Whatever SIL's husband does or doesn't do is his choice. OP can make a different choice and that's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is that SIL’s husband on? Are you the only spouse not on?

Yes and yes.

I'm not always around. My work involves working away regularly.

Okay, so your DH isn’t actually pulling his weight on MIL’s care. The other siblings are making it work by sharing the effort with their spouses, while your DH contributes less. I can see why SIL is unhappy.

My DH is the only sibling who works full-time. The others work very part-time or whenever they are able to get work (in a creative field).
The other siblings also live closer to MIL, 40 minutes vs 1.5 hours where we live.
I think DH does pull his weight, just in a different way. They all do different things.

DH needs to work this out with his siblings and determine what works. If necessary, outside care can be hired.

None of this has anything to do with you, OP. She is DH's mother, not yours.

[Anonymous]

I have 5 SIL's only 1 helps with my mom. She pities me though (since I have 5 brothers and only 1 is helpful in any meaningful way) and she's just amazing in every way possible.

I eternally grateful to her but I have no expectation of my SILs helping, that is insane.

My nieces help some.