How do you deal with spouse who's in dog years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the people ragging on OP for not liking the sedentary lifestyle, I wonder how old you are and how much hands-on elder care you have done on a daily basis.

OP, after watching my mom take care of my dad, I think I can appreciate your frustration. When someone aged quickly by their own hand, it forces someone else to prematurely step up and care for them. And guess what -that makes the caregiver age fast. It’s hard on backs, it’s hard on joints, it’s hard on the mind. Maybe OP doesn’t want to watch her golden years get eaten up by someone who couldn’t bother to take care of themselves (let alone anyone else).

It’s not that OP doesn’t like the sedentary lifestyle. It’s that she seems very narcissistic and doesn’t seem to regard her husband as a complete human being with his own worries and desires. What’s going on that he is so anxious about his health? Why is he in so much pain? What does he want to do with the rest of his life? What are his plans?

She doesn’t seem to know much about him except that he doesn’t admire her, isn’t inspired by her, and she hates him for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This does happen to some people and unfortunately both have to get on the same sheet of music. I have a friend who is nearly 60 snd very fit. Her husband, a few years older, couldn’t handle a lot of activities due to health issues. So what did she do? She sold her skis and dropped her gym membership. She had to fall Out of shape snd gain a few extra pounds to keep the marriage going.

I am 60 and a big skier. My DH has less interest in skiing these days. So I have found friends to ski with, or I go on solo trips, or DH will join me for ski trips but not ski every day. So I don't agree that one person needs to give up an activity they love, it just requires going about it differently.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like both of you had very early 1st marriages/children. Having multiple grandchildren in your 50's is a bit unusual for the DC crowd who are having their first children in their 30s (and usually those kids aren't having kids until their 30s). I wonder if that has an aging effect? I think having children later keeps you more active later, and of course for many people needs they need to work longer to pay for college, which keeps the mind engaged too. Maybe 60 is the new 40 only for people who live like 40 year olds, not those who are retired grandparents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does happen to some people and unfortunately both have to get on the same sheet of music. I have a friend who is nearly 60 snd very fit. Her husband, a few years older, couldn’t handle a lot of activities due to health issues. So what did she do? She sold her skis and dropped her gym membership. She had to fall Out of shape snd gain a few extra pounds to keep the marriage going.

I am 60 and a big skier. My DH has less interest in skiing these days. So I have found friends to ski with, or I go on solo trips, or DH will join me for ski trips but not ski every day. So I don't agree that one person needs to give up an activity they love, it just requires going about it differently.

That was her personal solution, though. She actually made a big to do over giving up her stuff. “WE are done with this” type of language. I look at my own parents and they are similar. One would shrivel up and die if the other suddenly lost weight, got fit and took on new hobbies. It’s an unhealthy dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow your attitude is awful. Disgusting really.

Oh please. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect one’s spouse to maintain their health, to the best of their ability.

Her husband didn’t suddenly change from an Olympic athlete into a slob.

[Anonymous]

gosh most of these posters are so mean. I hear you OP. DH also looks like an old man to me----moves soooooo slowly, mostly lives on the couch. Still going to job most days--but boy do I not look forward to his retirement. He has no friends, no real hobbies except msnbc watching. He won't eat much of what I cook, but I still cook and try to eat dinner with him most nights. I suppose all the posters will call me horrible as well for even noticing these things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:gosh most of these posters are so mean. I hear you OP. DH also looks like an old man to me----moves soooooo slowly, mostly lives on the couch. Still going to job most days--but boy do I not look forward to his retirement. He has no friends, no real hobbies except msnbc watching. He won't eat much of what I cook, but I still cook and try to eat dinner with him most nights. I suppose all the posters will call me horrible as well for even noticing these things

I don't think you or op is horrible, but the fact remains that men need their women to care for them. You and op may be horrible spouses for letting your men decompose before your eyes and only come into dcum to complain about it. Dh and I both encourage each other and continue to develop shared interests and activities to keep ourselves and each other fit and healthy. It seems you and op have given up on your part of the bargain. I would never throw my hands up and give up on my dh, he needs me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow your attitude is awful. Disgusting really.

Oh please. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect one’s spouse to maintain their health, to the best of their ability.

Her husband didn’t suddenly change from an Olympic athlete into a slob.

That's right. He gained 10 pounds. And went from slacker to slob, I suppose. If he really was as active as op portrayed, the weight gain would be more significant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:gosh most of these posters are so mean. I hear you OP. DH also looks like an old man to me----moves soooooo slowly, mostly lives on the couch. Still going to job most days--but boy do I not look forward to his retirement. He has no friends, no real hobbies except msnbc watching. He won't eat much of what I cook, but I still cook and try to eat dinner with him most nights. I suppose all the posters will call me horrible as well for even noticing these things

I think you seem like a nice person. It sounds like you genuinely care about your spouse, know how he spends his time, and want to help him.

OP, on the other hand, sounds like a narcissist. I’m not sure she is aware that her husband is a human being with feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:gosh most of these posters are so mean. I hear you OP. DH also looks like an old man to me----moves soooooo slowly, mostly lives on the couch. Still going to job most days--but boy do I not look forward to his retirement. He has no friends, no real hobbies except msnbc watching. He won't eat much of what I cook, but I still cook and try to eat dinner with him most nights. I suppose all the posters will call me horrible as well for even noticing these things

I don't think you or op is horrible, but the fact remains that men need their women to care for them. You and op may be horrible spouses for letting your men decompose before your eyes and only come into dcum to complain about it. Dh and I both encourage each other and continue to develop shared interests and activities to keep ourselves and each other fit and healthy. It seems you and op have given up on your part of the bargain. I would never throw my hands up and give up on my dh, he needs me.

Lucky you that you’ve never tried to motivate someone suffering from depression. You know how I know that? Because if you had to deal with that, you wouldn’t be on here dripping judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've been married 12 yrs and approaching 60. He LITERALLY walks like he's 90 and constantly moans and groans. He's extremely sedentary and 40 lbs overweight. I've tried to get him to at least walk our neighborhood, but he's uninterested. Meanwhile I'm at the gym daily, very active, have a BMI of 21 and can still do jump squats. We are both pretty much retired. When we met he was about 30 lbs overweight but much more active, worked out and walked at a normal pace.

I feel this is so unfair when one spouse gives up on their health and the other does everything possible to stay healthy. I don't understand how he can look at me and not be motivated. He sees how much I workout and how I eat, yet he literally thinks it's genetics! I've had friends tell me that we look weird together because at social gatherings he's sitting while I'm running around and dancing. He's getting worse and worse and I bet he'll be in a wheelchair by the time he's 65.

Isn't the "moaning and groaning" indicative of something besides lack of interest? Maybe he's in pain and has stop exercising due to the pain. The lack of exercise could also contribute to mild depression further dampening his interest in exercise. As we get older activities that used to be fun can be painful--at least for some people. If he's walking more slowly and "moaning and groaning" that sounds like someone whose body is breaking down.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. I've learned you can't force an adult to take care of themselves if they don't want to.

What you can do is express your feelings: tell him you're disappointed that he's unwilling to make the effort for you and for yourself. Tell him it considerably impacts your happiness, and your satisfaction regarding the marriage. That this is not how you envisioned your golden year together.

You say he goes to the doctor all the time: he has been checked for all common ailments, such as hypothyroidism (that can increase weight and cause fatigue, brain fuzziness, and depression), anemia, etc? If his blood pressure OK?

He needs to get out of the house every day to do something in the fresh air, and he needs to walk every day.

Also, I just wanted to add that I've only seen the shuffling "old man walk" associated with either dementia or advanced physical problems. So this might be beyond just "laziness".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:gosh most of these posters are so mean. I hear you OP. DH also looks like an old man to me----moves soooooo slowly, mostly lives on the couch. Still going to job most days--but boy do I not look forward to his retirement. He has no friends, no real hobbies except msnbc watching. He won't eat much of what I cook, but I still cook and try to eat dinner with him most nights. I suppose all the posters will call me horrible as well for even noticing these things

I don't think you or op is horrible, but the fact remains that men need their women to care for them. You and op may be horrible spouses for letting your men decompose before your eyes and only come into dcum to complain about it. Dh and I both encourage each other and continue to develop shared interests and activities to keep ourselves and each other fit and healthy. It seems you and op have given up on your part of the bargain. I would never throw my hands up and give up on my dh, he needs me.

Lucky you that you’ve never tried to motivate someone suffering from depression. You know how I know that? Because if you had to deal with that, you wouldn’t be on here dripping judgment.

I've actually suffered several bouts of depression in my lifetime, so I absolutely understand how it affects a person and their loved ones. Turns out, activity like exercise and learning new things keeps me from dipping too low. A nice byproduct of exercise, besides mental health boost, is that my body looks and works wonderfully at 55 yo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:gosh most of these posters are so mean. I hear you OP. DH also looks like an old man to me----moves soooooo slowly, mostly lives on the couch. Still going to job most days--but boy do I not look forward to his retirement. He has no friends, no real hobbies except msnbc watching. He won't eat much of what I cook, but I still cook and try to eat dinner with him most nights. I suppose all the posters will call me horrible as well for even noticing these things

I don't think you or op is horrible, but the fact remains that men need their women to care for them. You and op may be horrible spouses for letting your men decompose before your eyes and only come into dcum to complain about it. Dh and I both encourage each other and continue to develop shared interests and activities to keep ourselves and each other fit and healthy. It seems you and op have given up on your part of the bargain. I would never throw my hands up and give up on my dh, he needs me.

Lucky you that you’ve never tried to motivate someone suffering from depression. You know how I know that? Because if you had to deal with that, you wouldn’t be on here dripping judgment.

I've actually suffered several bouts of depression in my lifetime, so I absolutely understand how it affects a person and their loved ones. Turns out, activity like exercise and learning new things keeps me from dipping too low. A nice byproduct of exercise, besides mental health boost, is that my body looks and works wonderfully at 55 yo.

So glad you have it all figured out. But you are speaking from the perspective of someone who took their own steps to solve depression. OP can’t make her DH do these things. So acting as if you understand the role and emotions of the caretaker spouse is insincere. You don’t get it. At a very basic level, OP seems to understand the inactivity is not good for her DH. What exactly is your point? You’re fit and active and have been depressed and are therefore a mental health expert? Spare us the sanctimony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:gosh most of these posters are so mean. I hear you OP. DH also looks like an old man to me----moves soooooo slowly, mostly lives on the couch. Still going to job most days--but boy do I not look forward to his retirement. He has no friends, no real hobbies except msnbc watching. He won't eat much of what I cook, but I still cook and try to eat dinner with him most nights. I suppose all the posters will call me horrible as well for even noticing these things

I don't think you or op is horrible, but the fact remains that men need their women to care for them. You and op may be horrible spouses for letting your men decompose before your eyes and only come into dcum to complain about it. Dh and I both encourage each other and continue to develop shared interests and activities to keep ourselves and each other fit and healthy. It seems you and op have given up on your part of the bargain. I would never throw my hands up and give up on my dh, he needs me.

“Horrible spouses.” Someone sounds like a nasty piece of work, and it’s not OP.