How do you deal with spouse who's in dog years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your DH is on multiple meds, he should talk to a pharmacist or his doctor about his symptoms to rule out possible side effects from the medications. Among other things, meds can cause depression and weight gain.

THIS, this, this.

The OP came back to crow about how she jumps onto counters but she is oblivious to the fact (which she even mentions!) that her DH is on meds. One is for thyroid issues. OP, are you just totally unaware that certain thyroid issues can create weight gain and/or affect energy levels? Make one sluggish, put on pounds? Affect your mental outlook?

Nope, you're sure he's just a lazy couch potato because he lacks your perfect will to be active.

OP, if you care about him at all, you would find out in detail about his conditions, the meds he's on, and side effects. Go with him to appointments, not to be his mommy, but to be a partner who gets the same information he does at the same time, so you can work as a team on the multiple health issues. You'd partner with him and his doctor on an exercise program for a long enough time that he will feel a difference (but he can't just start leaping on counters or dancing at parties like you demand--do you get that?). You would learn not to crow about your own wonderful health and instead would encourage him even if his efforts seem puny to your perfect self.

Do you actually love him as a person or is it all just contempt that he's not Just Like You, OP? I see zero effort on your part to see the larger issues here or to think of ways you can help him with them. Just asking him to go for a hike with you is not what I'm talking about but I'm not sure you can comprehend that. I really am not. I think you'll come back with more about how you do parkour around your house.

[Anonymous]

OP, some individual therapy might help you navigate this stressful time in your life. You can’t change other people, only yourself. People who are active and physically fit get serious illnesses and drop dead at young ages, too. What motivates you is not what motivates your DH or your mother. Stop wishing they were more like other people. That’s a terrible message to give to the people you claim to love. It’s demoralizing and depressing, which only works to alienate you all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP HERE

WOW I just got home from work and read all these comments! First of all, like I’ve said, my DH goes to the doctor regularly. He’s on all kinds of medications to control his blood pressure, cholesterol, thyroid etc. When I met him he was overweight, but a lot more active. He does have pain, but the pain is due to lack of activity. I’m a gym rat and if I have to miss a week of working out I start feeling achy! I can’t imagine never exercising. I’d be miserable too. At our age it’s detrimental to move. At nearly 60, I have zero pain, can climb 12 ft ladders, jump up on counters to change lightbulbs and swim laps with ease. We rarely hire handymen, because I can usually do it myself. Certainly not because we can’t afford it but because I like the challenge. My mom constantly yells at me for climbing ladders because she thinks it’s so dangerous. But coming from a woman who was sedentary her whole life and now can barely walk, she doesn’t get it. For the last 30 yrs she’s been telling me, “wait till you get my age!” Haha Seeing my mom and my DH only motivates me more.

Oh please. I am 61 and can do all those things. It's normal and I am not a gym rat. Also I thought you said you were retired. Yet you just got home from work at 7:40 pm?

Anyway, it's clear your DH has some underlying health issues that you aren't seeing. People in their 50's, even somewhat overweight ones, do not have trouble walking. Either you accept it, help him, or you get divorced. Your skewed superiority does not help you or him so it may be time to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP HERE

WOW I just got home from work and read all these comments! First of all, like I’ve said, my DH goes to the doctor regularly. He’s on all kinds of medications to control his blood pressure, cholesterol, thyroid etc. When I met him he was overweight, but a lot more active. He does have pain, but the pain is due to lack of activity. I’m a gym rat and if I have to miss a week of working out I start feeling achy! I can’t imagine never exercising. I’d be miserable too. At our age it’s detrimental to move. At nearly 60, I have zero pain, can climb 12 ft ladders, jump up on counters to change lightbulbs and swim laps with ease. We rarely hire handymen, because I can usually do it myself. Certainly not because we can’t afford it but because I like the challenge. My mom constantly yells at me for climbing ladders because she thinks it’s so dangerous. But coming from a woman who was sedentary her whole life and now can barely walk, she doesn’t get it. For the last 30 yrs she’s been telling me, “wait till you get my age!” Haha Seeing my mom and my DH only motivates me more.

Oh please. I am 61 and can do all those things. It's normal and I am not a gym rat. Also I thought you said you were retired. Yet you just got home from work at 7:40 pm?

Anyway, it's clear your DH has some underlying health issues that you aren't seeing. People in their 50's, even somewhat overweight ones, do not have trouble walking. Either you accept it, help him, or you get divorced. Your skewed superiority does not help you or him so it may be time to move on.

I work 1 day a week for fun and to get out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, some individual therapy might help you navigate this stressful time in your life. You can’t change other people, only yourself. People who are active and physically fit get serious illnesses and drop dead at young ages, too. What motivates you is not what motivates your DH or your mother. Stop wishing they were more like other people. That’s a terrible message to give to the people you claim to love. It’s demoralizing and depressing, which only works to alienate you all.

This is really good advice, OP. Count me as someone who sympathizes, but you can only change your reactions to things and can’t change others. A good therapist might give you some helpful tools to deal with your frustration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the sloth in our relationship and I am a woman. I’m just a big old nerd who likes to sit on the couch and read books while my husband likes to do lots of really active things. That said, I love to walk a 5K or a 10K Saturday morning, particularly if that event is being held someplace new or if it involves something cool like walking through a tunnel or over a bridge or through five miles of Christmas lights. I love a long bike ride. I like active vacations in cities that involve lots of walking. While I prefer to spend my free time knitting, or doing a puzzle or something like that, I have still managed to find ways to stay active and engage actively with my family. I think the OP needs to work harder to find something active for the two of them that he might enjoy, and he needs to work a little harder too.

I have a lot of friends like you. The overweight, I don’t understand, I exercise and eat healthy delusional friends. Seriously, how often do they have 5K events? How often are you able to take vacations? Staying healthy and taking care of yourself is something you need to do daily, not every blue moon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, some individual therapy might help you navigate this stressful time in your life. You can’t change other people, only yourself. People who are active and physically fit get serious illnesses and drop dead at young ages, too. What motivates you is not what motivates your DH or your mother. Stop wishing they were more like other people. That’s a terrible message to give to the people you claim to love. It’s demoralizing and depressing, which only works to alienate you all.

This is really good advice, OP. Count me as someone who sympathizes, but you can only change your reactions to things and can’t change others. A good therapist might give you some helpful tools to deal with your frustration.

Yes you are right! I definitely need someone to talk to. I know healthy people can drop dead as well. But at least I’m doing whatever possible to have quality over quantity of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, some individual therapy might help you navigate this stressful time in your life. You can’t change other people, only yourself. People who are active and physically fit get serious illnesses and drop dead at young ages, too. What motivates you is not what motivates your DH or your mother. Stop wishing they were more like other people. That’s a terrible message to give to the people you claim to love. It’s demoralizing and depressing, which only works to alienate you all.

This is really good advice, OP. Count me as someone who sympathizes, but you can only change your reactions to things and can’t change others. A good therapist might give you some helpful tools to deal with your frustration.

DP - and I have talked to my therapist about it. And basically the only real response is, well that really sucks.

I don't know why everyone thinks it's OP's fault that her husband is less healthy and less active than she is. She can't make him take care of himself, and she can't magically fix whatever mental and physical problems are contributing. And it is VERY NORMAL for her to feel frustrated that to the extent any of this is in his hands, he's choosing not to do anything about it. Sure, yes, she could be more empathetic - we could all be more empathetic. But how about that he could also be empathetic - and recognize that OP is in this for life with him, and would like him to take that life less for granted.

We're not guaranteed another day, or another minute, but we can try to build and buffer the strength and health that will serve us for as long as we've got. If you're married, it's not just you - your choices affect your partner, too.

Anyway, in short, of course DCUM is blaming OP for everything. Of course. Anyway OP is probably a troll and this thread will probably be deleted by noon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the sloth in our relationship and I am a woman. I’m just a big old nerd who likes to sit on the couch and read books while my husband likes to do lots of really active things. That said, I love to walk a 5K or a 10K Saturday morning, particularly if that event is being held someplace new or if it involves something cool like walking through a tunnel or over a bridge or through five miles of Christmas lights. I love a long bike ride. I like active vacations in cities that involve lots of walking. While I prefer to spend my free time knitting, or doing a puzzle or something like that, I have still managed to find ways to stay active and engage actively with my family. I think the OP needs to work harder to find something active for the two of them that he might enjoy, and he needs to work a little harder too.

I have a lot of friends like you. The overweight, I don’t understand, I exercise and eat healthy delusional friends. Seriously, how often do they have 5K events? How often are you able to take vacations? Staying healthy and taking care of yourself is something you need to do daily, not every blue moon.

Also, why does OP have to work harder to find the activity. Why doesn't her husband have to put in just the smallest amount of effort here. How about HE tries to find something for them to do together - or is that asking too much of those poor little incapable unaccountable men?

[Anonymous]

Why do people keep replying? It is obviously a troll thread, especially after OP’s latest response

[Anonymous]

Leave him before it's too late. You don't want to be wiping his azz.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 40lbs overweight and 60 years old, he should not be in so much discomfort walking. He should be evaluated by an orthopedic surgeon, podiatrist and neurosurgeon.

Agree. I'm in my 50s and 40 lbs overweight, and I can still run and do box jumps at crossfit. They aren't pretty, but I can do it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave him before it's too late. You don't want to be wiping his azz.

I'm assuming this pp is a troll, but there are several on this thread saying leave him. Did your vows not include "in sickness and in health"? Or is your word just meaningless? Serious question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave him before it's too late. You don't want to be wiping his azz.

I'm assuming this pp is a troll, but there are several on this thread saying leave him. Did your vows not include "in sickness and in health"? Or is your word just meaningless? Serious question.

I feel pretty certain this is the third or fourth husbands. I don’t think OP takes these vows super seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, some individual therapy might help you navigate this stressful time in your life. You can’t change other people, only yourself. People who are active and physically fit get serious illnesses and drop dead at young ages, too. What motivates you is not what motivates your DH or your mother. Stop wishing they were more like other people. That’s a terrible message to give to the people you claim to love. It’s demoralizing and depressing, which only works to alienate you all.

This is really good advice, OP. Count me as someone who sympathizes, but you can only change your reactions to things and can’t change others. A good therapist might give you some helpful tools to deal with your frustration.

DP - and I have talked to my therapist about it. And basically the only real response is, well that really sucks.

I don't know why everyone thinks it's OP's fault that her husband is less healthy and less active than she is. She can't make him take care of himself, and she can't magically fix whatever mental and physical problems are contributing. And it is VERY NORMAL for her to feel frustrated that to the extent any of this is in his hands, he's choosing not to do anything about it. Sure, yes, she could be more empathetic - we could all be more empathetic. But how about that he could also be empathetic - and recognize that OP is in this for life with him, and would like him to take that life less for granted.

We're not guaranteed another day, or another minute, but we can try to build and buffer the strength and health that will serve us for as long as we've got. If you're married, it's not just you - your choices affect your partner, too.

Anyway, in short, of course DCUM is blaming OP for everything. Of course. Anyway OP is probably a troll and this thread will probably be deleted by noon.

Some of us are not blaming OP for his being "less healthy and active than she is."

We are faulting her showing no concern whatsoever for looking into deeper roots to his issues like his other health conditions, medications, side effects, etc.