How do you deal with spouse who's in dog years?

[Anonymous]

Does he have any friends? I ask because my DH was just like this, and what finally turned him around was making friends with a couple guys in the neighborhood. At first it was just drinking, but they started working out together, going on long hikes, and doing weekend ski trips in the winter. Ideally I would love him to be active with me, but it’s really his buddies that motivate him, so I’m very thankful that he’s lost weight and is in great shape.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: It would be different if I knew this when we got married but this has been a real disappointment and makes me depressed. OP

So, you have managed to take a perfectly functioning human being and reduce him to a shell of himself in only 12 years of being married to you. Congratulations, OP. That’s quite a feat.

Did you accomplish this in your previous marriages as well?

I’m not surprised you are depressed. You make the people you love miserable and don’t care to know how to stop. That would make me depressed too.

I'm guessing you're the spouse who's given up on life and full of resentment towards your spouse who hasn't.

No. Just a happily married casual observer of this train wreck of a marriage. Wondering how many other men OP has done this to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've been married 12 yrs and approaching 60. He LITERALLY walks like he's 90 and constantly moans and groans. He's extremely sedentary and 40 lbs overweight. I've tried to get him to at least walk our neighborhood, but he's uninterested. Meanwhile I'm at the gym daily, very active, have a BMI of 21 and can still do jump squats. We are both pretty much retired. When we met he was about 30 lbs overweight but much more active, worked out and walked at a normal pace.

I feel this is so unfair when one spouse gives up on their health and the other does everything possible to stay healthy. I don't understand how he can look at me and not be motivated. He sees how much I workout and how I eat, yet he literally thinks it's genetics! I've had friends tell me that we look weird together because at social gatherings he's sitting while I'm running around and dancing. He's getting worse and worse and I bet he'll be in a wheelchair by the time he's 65.

He was like this when you met him. By your account, he's only 10 lbs heavier than how you found him. He didn't give up, life *caught up to him. Perhaps he should be screened for physical or mental health issues or maybe alcohol or drug dependence? Outside of any of those, he is who he is.

He did work out, played golf and was a lot more active. Now he just lays around and watches tv all day. I've been just doing my thing during the day, come home and cook a healthy dinner. He comes to the table, eats and goes back to the bed.

Could he have undiagnosed physical ailments? I'm about your husband's age and was always active--played basketball, racquetball, lifted weights, etc. But due to physical ailments (e.g. arthritis, torn meniscus, plantar facsitiis) some probably due to being active for many years, it's getting harder and harder. I've shifted to more gentle sports like cycling and seen medical professionals and therapists, but the physical pain doesn't completely disappear. I can understand how someone might just give up exercise altogether is they're in constant pain. I'm trying to avoid going that route, but it's not always easy.

Check and see if he has physical ailments causing pain that make being active difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I want to go on a walk around the lake this afternoon. It is important to me that you come with me.”

What would he say?

NP - and my husband's response would be "no."

Some people are sedentary and, trust me, there is no nagging and encouraging them out of it. I feel incredibly, gobsmackingly lucky that being active feels good to me and that it is what I want to do naturally - similarly, I am so gd grateful that my natural inclination is to eat pretty well. It's not the case for my spouse, who sounds a lot like OP's husband - though a decade earlier, and considerably healthier.

And OP is understandably worried and frustrated. At this age - at any age, but especially as you get older - these things can really catch up to you. Not that eating well and exercising is any GUARANTEE of a long and healthy life - if only - but they at least give you a better shot. It is very worrying to look at the spouse you love, and see them deliberately lowering the chances that you will get to grow older together. Additionally - it would be really nice if the spouse wanted to actually do those active things with you. My husband and I love to take day trips together and we have activities we share, but he is never going to hike with me, kayak with me, golf with me, learn pickleball with me - these sorts of active activities that many older couples like to do together.

For myself, I deal with this in a few ways: I cultivate activity friends who will hike and paddle with me, so I am not relying on my husband to do things he can't and won't do. It's not as good as having a live-in mate who wants to go for a bike ride on a nice day, but it's better than skipping the stuff because he won't do it.

On the weekends, we do go on day trips that involve a lot of walking. I would like to see him be active on his own outside of this, but I really try to just understand that movement feels as bad to him as it feels good to me, and to try to find ways to incorporate movement in where it is feasible.

I get mad sometimes! Mad, scared, frustrated. I love this guy, and I want him to stick around as frustrating as I find him sometimes. And as much as I try to practice radical acceptance - or normal acceptance - sometimes I get angry with him. I beg him to get some exercise, to eat better. All the stuff. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. We usually return to the same baseline eventually - though he and I are both cooking more these days, with a lot more vegetables and good stuff.

I hope OP isn't a troll. I keep getting sucked into troll posts and responding with earnestness. I should stop coming to this forum, now that I think of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised at the vitriol toward OP on this post and I suspect it’s because those posters identify with OP’s spouse. Have you had conversations about retirement? What you want it to look like? I would talk about how being active is important to you and invite him to do some things that are maybe a baby step for him. If he is putting up walls then I would find a therapist who might have better ideas for me. Then, if he still decides he’s ready to start his decline, I would make sure I had enough financially to take care of his impending ill health and start planning my own active retirement without him. I’m sorry, OP, you are in a tough situation.

I'm surprised as well. It's not like it's a secret that some people behave differently during courtship than after marriage.

I agree with the above, except the bolded. If he is choosing a life path OP doesn't want to follow, she doesn't need to resign herself to becoming his full time caretaker. People divorce for having incompatible lifestyles all the time. And men often leave their wives for being sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“I want to go on a walk around the lake this afternoon. It is important to me that you come with me.”

What would he say?

NP - and my husband's response would be "no."

Some people are sedentary and, trust me, there is no nagging and encouraging them out of it. I feel incredibly, gobsmackingly lucky that being active feels good to me and that it is what I want to do naturally - similarly, I am so gd grateful that my natural inclination is to eat pretty well. It's not the case for my spouse, who sounds a lot like OP's husband - though a decade earlier, and considerably healthier.

And OP is understandably worried and frustrated. At this age - at any age, but especially as you get older - these things can really catch up to you. Not that eating well and exercising is any GUARANTEE of a long and healthy life - if only - but they at least give you a better shot. It is very worrying to look at the spouse you love, and see them deliberately lowering the chances that you will get to grow older together. Additionally - it would be really nice if the spouse wanted to actually do those active things with you. My husband and I love to take day trips together and we have activities we share, but he is never going to hike with me, kayak with me, golf with me, learn pickleball with me - these sorts of active activities that many older couples like to do together.

For myself, I deal with this in a few ways: I cultivate activity friends who will hike and paddle with me, so I am not relying on my husband to do things he can't and won't do. It's not as good as having a live-in mate who wants to go for a bike ride on a nice day, but it's better than skipping the stuff because he won't do it.

On the weekends, we do go on day trips that involve a lot of walking. I would like to see him be active on his own outside of this, but I really try to just understand that movement feels as bad to him as it feels good to me, and to try to find ways to incorporate movement in where it is feasible.

I get mad sometimes! Mad, scared, frustrated. I love this guy, and I want him to stick around as frustrating as I find him sometimes. And as much as I try to practice radical acceptance - or normal acceptance - sometimes I get angry with him. I beg him to get some exercise, to eat better. All the stuff. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. We usually return to the same baseline eventually - though he and I are both cooking more these days, with a lot more vegetables and good stuff.

I hope OP isn't a troll. I keep getting sucked into troll posts and responding with earnestness. I should stop coming to this forum, now that I think of it.

^ a decade younger and heavier, not healthier

[Anonymous]

Op you seem extremely angry and disdainful. That is more the issue.

My spouse is 7 years older than me and we have been together 17 years. Now 40 and 47. Yes, he is much more sedentary. 17 years is a long time and maybe 7 years is a lot. By 40s, some people look very different in age, fitness than others.

I prefer to look better than my spouse and to be a better weight. My spouse does not want to go on trips or activities is fine too I do that with friends, kids.

What is it that you want?

[Anonymous]

For the people ragging on OP for not liking the sedentary lifestyle, I wonder how old you are and how much hands-on elder care you have done on a daily basis.

OP, after watching my mom take care of my dad, I think I can appreciate your frustration. When someone aged quickly by their own hand, it forces someone else to prematurely step up and care for them. And guess what -that makes the caregiver age fast. It’s hard on backs, it’s hard on joints, it’s hard on the mind. Maybe OP doesn’t want to watch her golden years get eaten up by someone who couldn’t bother to take care of themselves (let alone anyone else).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op you seem extremely angry and disdainful. That is more the issue.

My spouse is 7 years older than me and we have been together 17 years. Now 40 and 47. Yes, he is much more sedentary. 17 years is a long time and maybe 7 years is a lot. By 40s, some people look very different in age, fitness than others.

I prefer to look better than my spouse and to be a better weight. My spouse does not want to go on trips or activities is fine too I do that with friends, kids.

What is it that you want?

I think, I hope this isn't a reach, she wants her spouse to be more active and take better care of himself. Am I off?

I know, it's wild to think that someone could wish these things about their spouse! What even!!

[Anonymous]

This is also a later marriage for the OP so she didn’t have the young easy years with him ..
I would divorce him because it is not fair to her and she has no control to change the course of his health decline

[Anonymous]

This does happen to some people and unfortunately both have to get on the same sheet of music. I have a friend who is nearly 60 snd very fit. Her husband, a few years older, couldn’t handle a lot of activities due to health issues. So what did she do? She sold her skis and dropped her gym membership. She had to fall Out of shape snd gain a few extra pounds to keep the marriage going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op you seem extremely angry and disdainful. That is more the issue.

My spouse is 7 years older than me and we have been together 17 years. Now 40 and 47. Yes, he is much more sedentary. 17 years is a long time and maybe 7 years is a lot. By 40s, some people look very different in age, fitness than others.

I prefer to look better than my spouse and to be a better weight. My spouse does not want to go on trips or activities is fine too I do that with friends, kids.

What is it that you want?

Sure, she’s angry. She has to accommodate his choices to keep together or leave him. She wants a fun partner to enjoy life with, not a self-made hospital patient.

[Anonymous]

Probably better to focus on what you both enjoy doing together. What is that?

[Anonymous]

I agree it sounds like depression. If he won’t talk to his doctor about it and start making changes, you should be up front and start taking about divorce. Give him a chance to turn it around, but don’t wait too long and let him drag you down.

[Anonymous]

Does your DH routinely get annual checkups? Have you ever gone to the doctor with him?