How do you deal with spouse who's in dog years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op you seem extremely angry and disdainful. That is more the issue.

My spouse is 7 years older than me and we have been together 17 years. Now 40 and 47. Yes, he is much more sedentary. 17 years is a long time and maybe 7 years is a lot. By 40s, some people look very different in age, fitness than others.

I prefer to look better than my spouse and to be a better weight. My spouse does not want to go on trips or activities is fine too I do that with friends, kids.

What is it that you want?

OP has posted in an unsympathetic way so I understand the negative reaction. But not having a diagnosed health issue and being unable or unwilling to walk the family dog? Sounds like a big deal to me.

And sounds very different from your response which seems to be just about looks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the people ragging on OP for not liking the sedentary lifestyle, I wonder how old you are and how much hands-on elder care you have done on a daily basis.

OP, after watching my mom take care of my dad, I think I can appreciate your frustration. When someone aged quickly by their own hand, it forces someone else to prematurely step up and care for them. And guess what -that makes the caregiver age fast. It’s hard on backs, it’s hard on joints, it’s hard on the mind. Maybe OP doesn’t want to watch her golden years get eaten up by someone who couldn’t bother to take care of themselves (let alone anyone else).

Aged quickly of their own hand.

Thank you for the phrase. I’ve been looking for one to describe my mother and all of my complicated feelings on that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've been married 12 yrs and approaching 60. He LITERALLY walks like he's 90 and constantly moans and groans. He's extremely sedentary and 40 lbs overweight. I've tried to get him to at least walk our neighborhood, but he's uninterested. Meanwhile I'm at the gym daily, very active, have a BMI of 21 and can still do jump squats. We are both pretty much retired. When we met he was about 30 lbs overweight but much more active, worked out and walked at a normal pace.

I feel this is so unfair when one spouse gives up on their health and the other does everything possible to stay healthy. I don't understand how he can look at me and not be motivated. He sees how much I workout and how I eat, yet he literally thinks it's genetics! I've had friends tell me that we look weird together because at social gatherings he's sitting while I'm running around and dancing. He's getting worse and worse and I bet he'll be in a wheelchair by the time he's 65.

My biggest takeaway is that you need new friends. What horrible people to say something like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the people ragging on OP for not liking the sedentary lifestyle, I wonder how old you are and how much hands-on elder care you have done on a daily basis.

OP, after watching my mom take care of my dad, I think I can appreciate your frustration. When someone aged quickly by their own hand, it forces someone else to prematurely step up and care for them. And guess what -that makes the caregiver age fast. It’s hard on backs, it’s hard on joints, it’s hard on the mind. Maybe OP doesn’t want to watch her golden years get eaten up by someone who couldn’t bother to take care of themselves (let alone anyone else).

"By their own hand" is...dramatic. OP seems unwilling or unable to consider that when someone changes, that change might be driven not by laziness or simply no longer caring about looks etc. but by other factors. Nope, sh wants to focus on how she is the ideal motivator, right there next to him, so why can't he be like her?

OP -- Did you stop to break this down beyond just "he's sedentary" etc.? Did you ask yourself about things like these?
How has his job changed in the time he's grown more sedentary? Did it get harder, did he change jobs, is he frustrated in his work, or does his career feel stalled, or is he conversely doing well professionally but it drains him?
Does he have friends/relatives who have themselves become more sedentary etc.? The guys with whom he used to do stuff are now more homebodies themselves?
Has he had any losses like death of parents, changes to other relationships that were important to him (I can't recall, if you have kids--empty nest in recent years?)?
Does he express any worries/fears/frustrations about the world, current news, etc.?
In other words, OP, have you thought about whether he might be (as others have already said) undergoing some depression or anxiety, or grief (one can grieve life changes, not just people who die), etc. etc.?

I'm wondering why, if you loved him enough to marry him, you havent dug into reasons and potential bigger-picture things like these, rather than just focusing on how you're so healthy and he's just sedentary and lazy.

One does not have to be a weeping mess to be depressed. In fact, in men, depression often manifests as anger in some, lack of interest in life and activities in others. And if you think "He can't be depressed, he acts happy enough, he enjoys sedentary crap like TV shows etc.,," well, you aren't well informed; how one acts doesn't necessarily negate the idea that one can also be depressed or anxious without wanting to show it. He especially may not want to admit any depression, work frustration/career worries, the fact he's missing someone -- he may not want to admit those to you, OP, if he hears you always saying how ideal your habits are. Hard to talk deeply to a spouse who considers herself perfect and you, a lump.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the people ragging on OP for not liking the sedentary lifestyle, I wonder how old you are and how much hands-on elder care you have done on a daily basis.

OP, after watching my mom take care of my dad, I think I can appreciate your frustration. When someone aged quickly by their own hand, it forces someone else to prematurely step up and care for them. And guess what -that makes the caregiver age fast. It’s hard on backs, it’s hard on joints, it’s hard on the mind. Maybe OP doesn’t want to watch her golden years get eaten up by someone who couldn’t bother to take care of themselves (let alone anyone else).

"By their own hand" is...dramatic. OP seems unwilling or unable to consider that when someone changes, that change might be driven not by laziness or simply no longer caring about looks etc. but by other factors. Nope, sh wants to focus on how she is the ideal motivator, right there next to him, so why can't he be like her?

OP -- Did you stop to break this down beyond just "he's sedentary" etc.? Did you ask yourself about things like these?
How has his job changed in the time he's grown more sedentary? Did it get harder, did he change jobs, is he frustrated in his work, or does his career feel stalled, or is he conversely doing well professionally but it drains him?
Does he have friends/relatives who have themselves become more sedentary etc.? The guys with whom he used to do stuff are now more homebodies themselves?
Has he had any losses like death of parents, changes to other relationships that were important to him (I can't recall, if you have kids--empty nest in recent years?)?
Does he express any worries/fears/frustrations about the world, current news, etc.?
In other words, OP, have you thought about whether he might be (as others have already said) undergoing some depression or anxiety, or grief (one can grieve life changes, not just people who die), etc. etc.?

I'm wondering why, if you loved him enough to marry him, you havent dug into reasons and potential bigger-picture things like these, rather than just focusing on how you're so healthy and he's just sedentary and lazy.

One does not have to be a weeping mess to be depressed. In fact, in men, depression often manifests as anger in some, lack of interest in life and activities in others. And if you think "He can't be depressed, he acts happy enough, he enjoys sedentary crap like TV shows etc.,," well, you aren't well informed; how one acts doesn't necessarily negate the idea that one can also be depressed or anxious without wanting to show it. He especially may not want to admit any depression, work frustration/career worries, the fact he's missing someone -- he may not want to admit those to you, OP, if he hears you always saying how ideal your habits are. Hard to talk deeply to a spouse who considers herself perfect and you, a lump.

By their own hand is not dramatic. Plenty of people “give up” and decide they are old. Then -surprise!- they move less, think less, engage with life less, and their bodies start falling apart. The giving up in these cases happens before the falling apart.

[Anonymous]

At 40lbs overweight and 60 years old, he should not be in so much discomfort walking. He should be evaluated by an orthopedic surgeon, podiatrist and neurosurgeon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“I want to go on a walk around the lake this afternoon. It is important to me that you come with me.”

What would he say?

Not OP—if I were the spouse, I’d respond to that statement with “Why is it important to you that I go on this walk?”
What should be OP’s response?

In my case it would be, “because I want to share time with you doing something I enjoy doing.”

I often ask my spouse to walk the dogs with me. Our best conversations are out of the house, away from chores and work papers and stress. I guess maybe if word it “I’d really like you to come with me”.

If her only reason is to control his exercise regimen, then yeah, there’s no good response. I want to spend time with my spouse though.

I would love for him to walk our dog together. I just can't get him out of the house for any type of physical activity. Sure he'd do a movie or show but nothing that involves walking.

How about a treadmill in front of the tv?

Tbf, OP, he was 30 LBS OVERWEIGHT when you married him.

[Anonymous]

Well OP, I guess you have to stick with him. It doesn't sound like you'll be attracting anyone either. Sucks getting old doesn't it.

[Anonymous]

OP HERE

WOW I just got home from work and read all these comments! First of all, like I’ve said, my DH goes to the doctor regularly. He’s on all kinds of medications to control his blood pressure, cholesterol, thyroid etc. When I met him he was overweight, but a lot more active. He does have pain, but the pain is due to lack of activity. I’m a gym rat and if I have to miss a week of working out I start feeling achy! I can’t imagine never exercising. I’d be miserable too. At our age it’s detrimental to move. At nearly 60, I have zero pain, can climb 12 ft ladders, jump up on counters to change lightbulbs and swim laps with ease. We rarely hire handymen, because I can usually do it myself. Certainly not because we can’t afford it but because I like the challenge. My mom constantly yells at me for climbing ladders because she thinks it’s so dangerous. But coming from a woman who was sedentary her whole life and now can barely walk, she doesn’t get it. For the last 30 yrs she’s been telling me, “wait till you get my age!” Haha Seeing my mom and my DH only motivates me more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP HERE

WOW I just got home from work and read all these comments! First of all, like I’ve said, my DH goes to the doctor regularly. He’s on all kinds of medications to control his blood pressure, cholesterol, thyroid etc. When I met him he was overweight, but a lot more active. He does have pain, but the pain is due to lack of activity. I’m a gym rat and if I have to miss a week of working out I start feeling achy! I can’t imagine never exercising. I’d be miserable too. At our age it’s detrimental to move. At nearly 60, I have zero pain, can climb 12 ft ladders, jump up on counters to change lightbulbs and swim laps with ease. We rarely hire handymen, because I can usually do it myself. Certainly not because we can’t afford it but because I like the challenge. My mom constantly yells at me for climbing ladders because she thinks it’s so dangerous. But coming from a woman who was sedentary her whole life and now can barely walk, she doesn’t get it. For the last 30 yrs she’s been telling me, “wait till you get my age!” Haha Seeing my mom and my DH only motivates me more.

What’s up with this post? Jumping in counters and climbing ladders…Is your house some kind of obstacle course? And why bring your mother into this? She’s got to be close to 90.

You are so weird and nasty, OP.

[Anonymous]

My guess is dementia or depression. A PCP can’t accurately screen for Alzheimer’s or dementia so it doesn’t matter if he saw one already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP HERE

WOW I just got home from work and read all these comments! First of all, like I’ve said, my DH goes to the doctor regularly. He’s on all kinds of medications to control his blood pressure, cholesterol, thyroid etc. When I met him he was overweight, but a lot more active. He does have pain, but the pain is due to lack of activity. I’m a gym rat and if I have to miss a week of working out I start feeling achy! I can’t imagine never exercising. I’d be miserable too. At our age it’s detrimental to move. At nearly 60, I have zero pain, can climb 12 ft ladders, jump up on counters to change lightbulbs and swim laps with ease. We rarely hire handymen, because I can usually do it myself. Certainly not because we can’t afford it but because I like the challenge. My mom constantly yells at me for climbing ladders because she thinks it’s so dangerous. But coming from a woman who was sedentary her whole life and now can barely walk, she doesn’t get it. For the last 30 yrs she’s been telling me, “wait till you get my age!” Haha Seeing my mom and my DH only motivates me more.

What’s up with this post? Jumping in counters and climbing ladders…Is your house some kind of obstacle course? And why bring your mother into this? She’s got to be close to 90.

You are so weird and nasty, OP.

No kidding!! OP you sound so self absorbed and judgemental. I love going for long walks but not with someone like you going on about how spectacular you are . Somehow this post reminds me of Madonna's ex saying sleeping with her was like being in bed with gristle.

It sounds like your husband may have arthritis and/or other conditions causing pain. It's likely he doesn't mention it to his doctor. Some pain is complicated and some doctors don't follow up. It can be depressing not figuring out why you're in pain, especially when a spouse is condescending and judgemental.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in your corner at first, but the more you post, you sound mean-spirited.

[Anonymous]

If your DH is on multiple meds, he should talk to a pharmacist or his doctor about his symptoms to rule out possible side effects from the medications. Among other things, meds can cause depression and weight gain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in your corner at first, but the more you post, you sound mean-spirited.

+1. albeit I'd be down for hearing a venting session once in a while