Parent is not a bad person but still not emotionally attached to them - can others relate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't feel guilty. Parental relationships are tricky and no one has to be over the moon about a parent. Your dad is who he is, sounds like you've accepted that, and it's a wonderful gift that you had such a close relationship with your mom.

Yes, your Dad sounds like a nice guy but a mediocre parent.. and your cordial but not particularly emotionally close relationship sounds like the logical result, not some sort of anomaly. I actually think it makes sense to be clear-eyed about his limits--not so you can beat him up or yourself--but so you can temper your expectations about what he is really capable of offering and draw reasonable boundaries to preserve your time and emotional energy.

Yes, 100% agree. Nothing wrong with how you feel, OP. You never said you were entitled to flawless relationships- that comment and others are projections. Your dad is not an attentive and giving person and you manage your expectations and are clear eyed about that and what you can give. You don’t need therapy. You’re fine. And fwiw, I have pretty abusive parents and have surface level relationships with them because they can’t go deep or be relied on. And yes, I wish it were different. Wanting a close, healthy, functional relationship and being sad or disappointed about your relationship is normal. It’s not entitled. It’s natural. We are programmed to want love and nurturing and attention from our parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't feel guilty. Parental relationships are tricky and no one has to be over the moon about a parent. Your dad is who he is, sounds like you've accepted that, and it's a wonderful gift that you had such a close relationship with your mom.

Yes, your Dad sounds like a nice guy but a mediocre parent.. and your cordial but not particularly emotionally close relationship sounds like the logical result, not some sort of anomaly. I actually think it makes sense to be clear-eyed about his limits--not so you can beat him up or yourself--but so you can temper your expectations about what he is really capable of offering and draw reasonable boundaries to preserve your time and emotional energy.

Yes, 100% agree. Nothing wrong with how you feel, OP. You never said you were entitled to flawless relationships- that comment and others are projections. Your dad is not an attentive and giving person and you manage your expectations and are clear eyed about that and what you can give. You don’t need therapy. You’re fine. And fwiw, I have pretty abusive parents and have surface level relationships with them because they can’t go deep or be relied on. And yes, I wish it were different. Wanting a close, healthy, functional relationship and being sad or disappointed about your relationship is normal. It’s not entitled. It’s natural. We are programmed to want love and nurturing and attention from our parents.

This. Nailed it.

You’re doing great OP. Draw your boundaries as needed: don’t call during dinner, get your autobill set up, he needs to hire a weekly cleaner, maybe he needs meals on wheels, etc.

He doesn’t seem like a new hobby type person so stop with the above…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People on this thread are insane.

A connection is not created by blood relations.

They require give and take, love and compassion.

Your dad does not provide that, therefore you do not have a connection.

Your mom raised a good person so you help out where you need to but not out of great affection.

I’d work on getting him into an over 55 community so as his needs increase you don’t get sucked in.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on this thread are insane.

A connection is not created by blood relations.

They require give and take, love and compassion.

Your dad does not provide that, therefore you do not have a connection.

Your mom raised a good person so you help out where you need to but not out of great affection.

I’d work on getting him into an over 55 community so as his needs increase you don’t get sucked in.

This.

This thread is objectively horrifying. Here we have a nice enough dad, someone who is a recent widow, someone who never abused his kids, who did his best to parent despite his background. And still DCUM’s advice is to “cut him off“ by sending him to a retirement community.

Whatever happened to grace and compassion. In every relationship any of us have ever been in, we need to let the other person know what we can do and what we can’t do. We don’t institutionalized them if they fall short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on this thread are insane.

A connection is not created by blood relations.

They require give and take, love and compassion.

Your dad does not provide that, therefore you do not have a connection.

Your mom raised a good person so you help out where you need to but not out of great affection.

I’d work on getting him into an over 55 community so as his needs increase you don’t get sucked in.

This.

This thread is objectively horrifying. Here we have a nice enough dad, someone who is a recent widow, someone who never abused his kids, who did his best to parent despite his background. And still DCUM’s advice is to “cut him off“ by sending him to a retirement community.

Whatever happened to grace and compassion. In every relationship any of us have ever been in, we need to let the other person know what we can do and what we can’t do. We don’t institutionalized them if they fall short.

One person said that. It wasn’t “DCUM’s advice.” Way to flatten a really nuanced topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in mid-life and I am having similar feelings - about both of my parents. Except my parents were somewhat abusive as well. But they provided for us, they sacrificed a lot to give us better lives.

For me it is because, after becoming a parent myself, I'm trying to learn how to be a better parent, and am learning how important emotional connection is. But really, this is a fairly modern idea and expectation for parent-child relationships. And I will never have that ideal emotional connection with my parents and it wasn't until recently that I accepted that and am ok with it. For a long time, I was angry and resentful and sad about it, and was holding onto hope that I could somehow change that before it was "too late". But I've come to realize that it will not happen - they are not capable of it, and honestly, it would be hard for me also.

You don't have to be emotionally attached. With my parents, it is more the practical things, and acts of service, that defines our bond. They know very little of my life, and I have limited knowledge of theirs. And really, that's ok. Not every parent-child relationship is that Hallmark version that you see in the movies or on social media.

thanks for this. Not OP, but relate to this very much.

Poster above who said they relate. This all reminded me of a Carolyn Hax column from years ago. I’m hesitant to post because I’m not really a fan but this might give you some other points to consider. OP.

https://www.spokesman.com/stories/2018/aug/05/carolyn-hax-raised-in-a-loveless-home-she-feels-no/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on this thread are insane.

A connection is not created by blood relations.

They require give and take, love and compassion.

Your dad does not provide that, therefore you do not have a connection.

Your mom raised a good person so you help out where you need to but not out of great affection.

I’d work on getting him into an over 55 community so as his needs increase you don’t get sucked in.

This.

This thread is objectively horrifying. Here we have a nice enough dad, someone who is a recent widow, someone who never abused his kids, who did his best to parent despite his background. And still DCUM’s advice is to “cut him off“ by sending him to a retirement community.

Whatever happened to grace and compassion. In every relationship any of us have ever been in, we need to let the other person know what we can do and what we can’t do. We don’t institutionalized them if they fall short.

The real advice is: Don’t accommodate dysfunction

It will drive you insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on this thread are insane.

A connection is not created by blood relations.

They require give and take, love and compassion.

Your dad does not provide that, therefore you do not have a connection.

Your mom raised a good person so you help out where you need to but not out of great affection.

I’d work on getting him into an over 55 community so as his needs increase you don’t get sucked in.

This.

This thread is objectively horrifying. Here we have a nice enough dad, someone who is a recent widow, someone who never abused his kids, who did his best to parent despite his background. And still DCUM’s advice is to “cut him off“ by sending him to a retirement community.

Whatever happened to grace and compassion. In every relationship any of us have ever been in, we need to let the other person know what we can do and what we can’t do. We don’t institutionalized them if they fall short.

One person said that. It wasn’t “DCUM’s advice.” Way to flatten a really nuanced topic.

At least three people said “this” or “+1” to institutionalizing dad. Way to minimize facts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom died a few years ago and I get along fine with my dad but have no real emotional connection or attachment to him. He’s not awful or even bad, but just not someone I connect with. I’m curious if others have any of the following dynamics in their family.

I was very close with my mom. Dad never had a mean bone in his body but also never did much with my sibling and me growing up, like reading bedtime stories, playing games….that was all mom. He naturally puts his comfort and interests and needs before those of others. Like, he would watch a different show or movie from the one the rest of us were watching because he wasn’t interested in ours. And he never joined a board game with us because, again, he wasn’t interested.

He lives a few hours away and I talk to him on the phone a lot, but it’s often to help him with stuff because he’s pretty clueless about finances, paperwork, etc. Mom did all that too. So he’s always been kind of needy and not great at understanding how to account for others’ needs. He is outgoing and has friends, but just not good and seeing things through others’ eyes. Like he’ll call a dinner time and want to start talking about what he did that day without thinking at all about how that is a crazy time in a house with young kids. He’ll be oblivious even if he can hear craziness in the background. He’ll end a call with me telling me to “say hi” to them but is extremely superficial about them and couldn’t tell you really a thing about them. Mom adored them.

He was similar with my mom, telling her all his problems and needs but not having a true understanding or care about hers, even if he was performative about loving her.

I read so many horror stories about families of origin here and have come to appreciate my dad, because he’s never intentionally cruel or unkind. I can point to many flaws of his, but I know it could have been far worse. I feel guilty for my lack of feelings for him.

Hello,
I’ve watched my now adult children go through stages of what you are going though and realizing. Their father had a couple disorders which resulted in introversion, coming home and “decompressing”, poor to no verbal communication, and temper tantrums when “overloaded,” usually by basic stuff. He needed a simple life to best cope.

We both worked, and I had to do everything on the home front and child front and he tagged along when he felt like it. Usually when outsiders were involved he’d do his performance routine for them. This was NOT what I signed up for when marrying or having children, not how my father or brothers were. They all noticed his “differences” too, and helped me along helping as they could - larger group vacations, doing dad stuff with my kids, etc.

Re the kids. When little they kept bidding for attention from him. once in awhile he’d provide it, not answering their request but by goofing around for 5 mins. I’d have to structure things for them to do- read them them book, take them to this museum, play this board game, go on that hike. If I didn’t do that they’d all watch tv or do what they did yesterday. There was no emotionally supportive discussions, he knew very little about their hopes, dreams, worries, schooling, teams, troubles… unless I “filled him in.” Which was pointless as he’d have nothing to add or suggest or have a back and forget convo on.

Once in upper elementary, the kids realized they could trick dad into anything they wanted if I wasn’t around- buy this, let’s eat donuts again, I know how to do this and that and messes and accidents would ensue. And bad habits - slobs, don’t eat well, forget homework.

Anyhow, he’s kind of just there. Takes lots of pics if he is around, since he’s always on his phone a lot. It’s his safe place. Pretending to be busy so he’s left alone.

Applying to college time we had lots of fights. He couldn’t make sense of anything. Or why the kids played a sport or took music lessons. Or why go to camp.

He really could never see anything perspective or someone’s needs or even understand something told to him unless he had happened to experience it himself. Which is rare for many people not just homebodies.

The kids keep bidding for attention though. You want attention and love and care from each parent. So you keep hoping and you keep trying. Even abusive fathers kids keep trying. Maybe dad will spend time with me, and be a dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in mid-life and I am having similar feelings - about both of my parents. Except my parents were somewhat abusive as well. But they provided for us, they sacrificed a lot to give us better lives.

For me it is because, after becoming a parent myself, I'm trying to learn how to be a better parent, and am learning how important emotional connection is. But really, this is a fairly modern idea and expectation for parent-child relationships. And I will never have that ideal emotional connection with my parents and it wasn't until recently that I accepted that and am ok with it. For a long time, I was angry and resentful and sad about it, and was holding onto hope that I could somehow change that before it was "too late". But I've come to realize that it will not happen - they are not capable of it, and honestly, it would be hard for me also.

You don't have to be emotionally attached. With my parents, it is more the practical things, and acts of service, that defines our bond. They know very little of my life, and I have limited knowledge of theirs. And really, that's ok. Not every parent-child relationship is that Hallmark version that you see in the movies or on social media.

thanks for this. Not OP, but relate to this very much.

Poster above who said they relate. This all reminded me of a Carolyn Hax column from years ago. I’m hesitant to post because I’m not really a fan but this might give you some other points to consider. OP.

https://www.spokesman.com/stories/2018/aug/05/carolyn-hax-raised-in-a-loveless-home-she-feels-no/

The article is fine. It says break the cycle and be the best, mindful parent you can to your children. Pay it forward.

I know many people who deliberately try not to be their dysfunctional parent(s). Most are succeeding. They are also very forthcoming about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on this thread are insane.

A connection is not created by blood relations.

They require give and take, love and compassion.

Your dad does not provide that, therefore you do not have a connection.

Your mom raised a good person so you help out where you need to but not out of great affection.

I’d work on getting him into an over 55 community so as his needs increase you don’t get sucked in.

This.

This thread is objectively horrifying. Here we have a nice enough dad, someone who is a recent widow, someone who never abused his kids, who did his best to parent despite his background. And still DCUM’s advice is to “cut him off“ by sending him to a retirement community.

Whatever happened to grace and compassion. In every relationship any of us have ever been in, we need to let the other person know what we can do and what we can’t do. We don’t institutionalized them if they fall short.

One person said that. It wasn’t “DCUM’s advice.” Way to flatten a really nuanced topic.

At least three people said “this” or “+1” to institutionalizing dad. Way to minimize facts.

You realize that poster said more than find a retirement community? Which the posters could have been agreeing with.

[Anonymous]

It’s hard to have to parent your parent, their whole life. Kids shouldn’t be out in that position unless someone is disabled or there’s an emergency.

How old is he currently Op? You need a plan to scaffold him so he’s more independent until his 80s and health may deteriorate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You had a very close bond with your mother. Perhaps your father felt there was no room for him.

Right or wrong, he may have seen your mom as the uber-parent and felt lacking so he retreated. If he is not by nature an affectionate person seeing the rest of you bonding may have kept him as the odd man out.

Lots of people unfortunately have check-the-box father FIGURES. That’s all they’ll ever be, a figure. In name only.

They don’t teach or coach or help or connect with or support their children or adult children emotionally or in practice. At most they good around with their kid like a/he’s an accessory or a 2 yo.
They’re mainly concerned about their ego and image outside of the home and focus on work and male friends.

It’s a form of misogyny. As is blaming a (likely neglected by him) mother for picking up all the slack and doing the role two involved parents, sole homeowner, and maybe even having to care for him. Now OPs dad is parentifying her- pay my bills, so my errands, clean my house, answer my calls.

Yuck. He never grew up or into an adult role. Sorry.

It must be exhausting to hate on your parents so endlessly and deeply. Although it clearly gives you room to exercise wild imaginative leaps.

I know right?!! Good god. People have provided some insights for OP to think about and this poster goes ballistic. An obvious misandrist who is in need of a psychiatrist.

Back to OP's father. Since she has not given details about the type of work/background/family/religion he came from, that's something to consider. Was he a war vet? Was he in a blue collar job where he was physically drained by the end of the day? Did he come from a background where the marriages were not of equals?

OP again: These responses give me a lot to think about in trying to analyze my feelings about all this.

It’s not quite the right picture to think about him as letting her do it all. He cooked a lot, took us to lessons, etc. So that’s where I feel guilty and can see how I would seem entitled. He had really bad examples in home life growing up and definitely managed to rise above that.

But, I’m also reminded about what bothers me. Both parents worked as professionals, and dad got home BEFORE mom, but still didn’t do any of the bedtime routine or watch a show with us or something. Any means of showing concern for us tended to lack self-awareness of whether he was really thinking about us. Like, he’d always make the very same dessert for mom on a special occasion without recognizing that she never chose that kind of dessert when given a choice and never considering what she really did prefer.

I think part of it is that I just struggle to understand him.

Less than standard marriage and involvement for sure.

Go be the best person, friend, co-worker, spouse, and parent you can be.

This is not a matter of he wanted abusive or a drunk or walking out, this was it’s own form of neglect, immaturity, and ignorance.

Why? Doesn’t matter. The feeling and effect on his family is the same. You don’t have to accept his poor behaviors, but you do have to accept that is all he’s got. Find your meaning elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on this thread are insane.

A connection is not created by blood relations.

They require give and take, love and compassion.

Your dad does not provide that, therefore you do not have a connection.

Your mom raised a good person so you help out where you need to but not out of great affection.

I’d work on getting him into an over 55 community so as his needs increase you don’t get sucked in.

This.

This thread is objectively horrifying. Here we have a nice enough dad, someone who is a recent widow, someone who never abused his kids, who did his best to parent despite his background. And still DCUM’s advice is to “cut him off“ by sending him to a retirement community.

Whatever happened to grace and compassion. In every relationship any of us have ever been in, we need to let the other person know what we can do and what we can’t do. We don’t institutionalized them if they fall short.

One person said that. It wasn’t “DCUM’s advice.” Way to flatten a really nuanced topic.

At least three people said “this” or “+1” to institutionalizing dad. Way to minimize facts.

You realize that poster said more than find a retirement community? Which the posters could have been agreeing with.

So “+1000” poster meant “except the retirement community” thing but just didn’t type that? Sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on this thread are insane.

A connection is not created by blood relations.

They require give and take, love and compassion.

Your dad does not provide that, therefore you do not have a connection.

Your mom raised a good person so you help out where you need to but not out of great affection.

I’d work on getting him into an over 55 community so as his needs increase you don’t get sucked in.

This.

This thread is objectively horrifying. Here we have a nice enough dad, someone who is a recent widow, someone who never abused his kids, who did his best to parent despite his background. And still DCUM’s advice is to “cut him off“ by sending him to a retirement community.

Whatever happened to grace and compassion. In every relationship any of us have ever been in, we need to let the other person know what we can do and what we can’t do. We don’t institutionalized them if they fall short.

One person said that. It wasn’t “DCUM’s advice.” Way to flatten a really nuanced topic.

At least three people said “this” or “+1” to institutionalizing dad. Way to minimize facts.

You realize that poster said more than find a retirement community? Which the posters could have been agreeing with.

So “+1000” poster meant “except the retirement community” thing but just didn’t type that? Sure.

Whatever lady. 2 posters on a 4 page thread is not "DCUM advice." But keep doubling down!